Would you all mind reading my essay?

[LuvingLife]

I just finished my persuasive essay for Literature and I was wondering if you guys would mind reading through it and possibly helping me proofread read it? In my literature book I just finished reading about excrepts from Martin Luther King Jr and Malcom X and how their views of violence differ from one another. So then I had to choose whether I was for violence, or against it and I had to persuade my readers to follow along with me. I won't tell you what I chose, I will let you read it and then you can decide. Would you guys mind helping me choose a title too?

Here it is:

 

 

An Act of Violoence

 

 

 

 

A young girl was murdered today, 6 people killed and 13 others wounded in a violent rampage, is World War 3 just around the corner? Violence. That's all there ever seems to be today, it surrounds us like the air we breathe and tries to destroy us. This is what our world has become, an act of violence, will it ever stop?

Many of us are for violence, but I am not for the use of violence unless all other attempts have failed, and even then I am still hesitant to use it. There are other ways that we can solve our problems, many of these solutions do not involve any violence at all, they involve talking things through, agreeing with them and trying to solve your dispute with words, not violence. Although it is tempting at first, we must try to control ourselves and use words, or even write to them what you feel, like the old saying says, the pen is mighter than the sword. Of course the sword can kill many, but the pen can be used to torment the mind, and whatever you say will stay with that person forever, so choose your words wisely. Violence can get us what we want or what we deserve, just like we were able to win our freedom from Britain, but that did not come without a big cost. There were innoccent people involved that should never have been but were, all because of one act of violence. Small little disputes can grow into violence, and blossom into an all out war, leaving us with a huge problem that could have probably been avoided if we had tried to talk, tried to listen, and maybe even tried to compromise.

I know that to many, talking about our problems and trying to solve them doesn't seem like the most grand or logical thing to do, especially when there are lives at stake in some situations. But we must remain strong, and try to remember the consequences that you and others may face of we decide to act with violence. Just stay strong and remember that you have the power to change, what will you do with it?

 

 

 

 

Does this seem ok? I will take any suggestions, I do have to hand this paper in tomorrow though, so any help is appreciated!:bigear:

 

(This seems a lot longer when handwritten on lined paper, believe it or not, this was almost a two page paper and they only wanted one page.)

 

 

[Laurie4b]

I just finished my persuasive essay for Literature and I was wondering if you guys would mind reading through it and possibly helping me proofread read it? In my literature book I just finished reading about excrepts from Martin Luther King Jr and Malcom X and how their views of violence differ from one another. So then I had to choose whether I was for violence, or against it and I had to persuade my readers to follow along with me. I won't tell you what I chose, I will let you read it and then you can decide. Would you guys mind helping me choose a title too?

Here it is:

 

 

An Act of Violoence

 

Violence (sp) Your essay isn't about an act of violence. Perhaps a question would work. You could craft a question similar to the one that was the essay prompt. Keep it short, though.

 

 

A young girl was murdered today,Good opening--gets the reader's attention 6 people killed and 13 others wounded in a violent rampage, is World War 3 just around the corner? Violence. That's all there ever seems to be today, it surrounds us like the air we breathe and tries to destroy us. This is what our world has become, an act of violence, will it ever stop? In the sentences with lists, I would change to two declarative sentences followed by a question. As it is, you have two run-on sentences.

Many of us are for violence Give examples, but I am not for the use of violence unless all other attempts have failed, and even then I am still hesitant to use it. There are other ways that we can solve our problems, many of these solutions do not involve any violence at all, they involve talking things through, agreeing with them and trying to solve your dispute with words, not violence.Run on sentence. You're using commas instead of semi-colons or periods. Although it is tempting at first, we must try to control ourselves and use words,No comma here. A comma is used before a conjunction only when a complete sentence follows the conjunction or even write to them what you feel,use "we" instead of "you"; you are switching pronouns in the same sentence like the old saying says, the pen is mighter than the sword. Of course the sword can kill many, but the pen can be used to torment the mind, and whatever you say will stay with that person forever, so choose your words wisely.Are you talking about avoiding verbal violence here? Violence can get us what we want or what we deserve, just like we were able to win our freedom from Britain, but that did not come without a big use a synonym for big like substantial or significant or overwhelmingcost. There were innoccent Sp people involved that should never have been but were, all because of one act of violence.Where? Give specific details. Small little disputes can grow into violence, and blossom into an all out war, leaving us with a huge problem that could have probably been avoided if we had tried to talk, tried to listen, and maybe even tried to compromise. Give a specific example.

I know that to many, talking about our problems and trying to solve them doesn't seem like the most grand or logical thing to do, especially when there are lives at stake in some situations.Leave out "in some situations." But we must remain strong, and try to remember the consequences that you and othersuse "we" instead of "you" may face of if we decide to act with violence. Just stay strong and remember that you have the power to change, what will you do with it?

 

Again, you are joining a declarative sentence to a question with a comma. Use two sentences or a semi-colon. It is a run-on sentence as it stands. Also, I would rewrite it using "we". You need to keep the pronoun use consistent throughout the compostion. For instance, "We must remember to stay strong..."

 

 

Does this seem ok? I will take any suggestions, I do have to hand this paper in tomorrow though, so any help is appreciated!:bigear:

 

(This seems a lot longer when handwritten on lined paper, believe it or not, this was almost a two page paper and they only wanted one page.)

 

 

 

You were very clear about your position on violence. I've included mostly punctuation corrections and suggestions for where it would be good to use examples. Were you supposed to relate the essay back to MLK and MX?

Edited January 25, 2011 by Laurie4b

[LuvingLife]

You were very clear about your position on violence. I've included mostly punctuation corrections and suggestions for where it would be good to use examples. Were you supposed to relate the essay back to MLK and MX?

 

Thank you very much and no I did not have to relate the essay back to MLK and MX, I was told to think about their views and how it affected themselves and the people around them. I am glad that my essay is good, and I appreciate you taking the time to read and edit my paper!:)

[lionfamily1999]

I just want to let you know I enjoyed reading your essay.

[LuvingLife]

I just want to let you know I enjoyed reading your essay.

 

Thank you very much and I am glad that you enjoyed it! I also appreciate the fact that you took the time to read it.