Grandparent dilemma...

[ConnieB]

The backstory in a nutshell: My bio father left my mom, my brother, and me when I was 6. My mom remarried a wonderful man, when I was 8, who is my daddy. My bio father bounced in and out of our lives for about 9 more years, and when I was 15, I told him I had had enough. I didn't see him again until he showed up at my wedding 5 years later, intoxicated, to make a scene. I didn't see anyone on that side of my family until this past summer when my grandfather (bio father's father) was dying and asked to see me and my children. So I took them. My grandfather passed in November, and I have mended the relationship with my grandmother and cousins, who never did anything to me, but whom I cut out of my life because I was 15 and thought it was all or nothing, if you kwim. Anyway, my bio father is still like a stranger to me. I love him, I have forgiven him, but I don't know him. My kids have accepted him as their grandfather and love him, but they are super close to my step-dad, who is their papaw. But you know how kids are; they can't have too many grandparents. Anyway, the point is that it is a strained relationship, but we are all trying.

 

My bio father asked me last week if he could give our family money for Christmas, in addition to the gifts he has gotten our girls (digital cameras for the big girls and something else for Cora). I told him that he didn't have to do that, but he insisted that he wants to help with their education. Keep in mind he hasn't bought me a gift or sent a card for Christmas in 18 years, and he has never bought my kids a thing. So my husband and I told him that, yes, if he felt like he wanted to, we would appreciate a gift for Christmas.

 

Fast forward to this past Tuesday night. He sent me a facebook message and asked if my girls had a computer. I told him they don't have their own computer, but we have a family laptop. He asked me if he could get them one. I talked it over with Patrick, and sent my dad a very gracious reply that while we appreciate the offer very much, we didn't think it was a good idea because of their age. They don't need a computer, and they don't use the computer we have much. Guess what? Yesterday morning he showed up, unannounced with a desk top. I just stared at him, open mouthed. I told him that we said no. He said, "Nakia, I want the best for my granddaughters, and they need internet access, a place to download pictures, and they have to learn to type." I was honestly shocked and speechless. Believe me, I am hardly ever speechless. He stayed at my house for two hours (first time he has ever been here) and by the time he left, I had a migraine and an eye twitch.

 

I am not trying to sound ungrateful, but we said no about the computer. Our children are young, Anna is learning to type on the family computer. Our house is TINY, and we simply do not have room for another desk top. Anna is getting a desk for Christmas, but my 10 year old is not having a computer in her room. Sure, we can not hook internet up, but then what's the point? They don't need to play games. They can download their pictures on the family computer. We could buy our entire curriculum for next year with the money he spent on the computer.

 

AND WE SAID NO!! Why ask if you are going to do it anyway? If he wants to help, why not ask what we need? Part of the problem is me. I have memories of him bouncing in a few times a year and taking us to expensive restaurants, buying us expensive things, and then leaving. I don't want him trying to buy my children's love. They already love him.

 

Patrick is furious. He feels we have been completely disrespected, and he is right. I don't know what to do. I tried talking to my dad, but he won't listen. I honestly don't want to hurt his feelings. He lost his sister and his dad within two weeks. I know he hurts. I know he wants to make things right with me. He just won't listen to me.

 

I feel like we have a few options: take the computer back and get the money and use it for our curriculum, take it back and get a laptop so that they will have a computer but it takes up less room and we can monitor the use, or keep it even though we literally have nowhere to put it.

 

Help me out here, please. I'm sorry this is so long and crazy sounding. UGH! Welcome to the Christmas drama, Nakia!

 

Computer goes back in the box and into a closet or the garage.

 

I would write him a letter.....edited from the first angry version, lol.....saying simply that you appreciate the gesture but that you were not going to allow your children to have the gift for all the reasons you originally declined his offer. If he'd like the computer back, please come get. And then suggest some things that he CAN do to enhance his granddaughters education that would be acceptable....he can save the list for next gift giving occasion, or return the computer and use the money for something on the list. My list would have things like annual memberships to the zoo, museum, science center, etc....or perhaps there is a big ticket item that your schoolroom could use, like a microscope. Or maybe piano lessons for the kids (though this one I'd have some concern about his unreliability...so maybe think harder on this one given his style). These are all things that we let the grands know would be much appreciated. And so we have several annual memberships that are renewed each year as continuing gifts. And when we've had a particularly great day at one of them, the kids will call the grands and tell them about it.....kinda like a thank you note that keeps on giving!

 

But I would most definitely not allow that computer to stay. It's a symbol of his disrespecting your authority and with some people you can't give an inch. If he refuses to take it back you could always donate it to the library or some other charity and then let him know.

 

I know it sounds cruel to refuse a gift, but it's not a case of his just showing up with something you deem inappropriate (and unreasonable given a small home), because then I'd react differently because the thought was there but just off center. The disrespecting your decision means that he loses the right for you to grin and bear it. Polite yes, pushover no.

 

As for his drifting in and out of the grandchildren's life...if it happens deal with it then.....but don't deny your children his love just on the possibility that he'll hurt them. If we all protected ourselves like that we'd never love anyone. My MIL is fairly unreliable...she lives far far away and never visits, but will call and promise the children she's sending them something....and it never appears. We've asked her not to tell them about it, just let it be a surprise and promised we'd have them call immediately so she doesn't miss out on their happiness. But she won't. So we had to decide whether to disallow phone calls that weren't monitored or if we had to tell our children the truth about grandma....she's good at making promises, but poor at following through. But her love isn't a promise...it's a fact, and there is nothing to follow through so they don't ever doubt her love. Your father is trying his best....maybe he'll be better because it's grandchildren and less responsibility, so he can stick around because the pressure isn't there as much as it was towards you. Sad, but possibly true. Let him build...or ruin...the relationship with your children. It sounds like they love him for who he is...so let him be him.

 

And give yourself an extra hug.:grouphug:

[Nakia]

Computer goes back in the box and into a closet or the garage.

 

I would write him a letter.....edited from the first angry version, lol.....saying simply that you appreciate the gesture but that you were not going to allow your children to have the gift for all the reasons you originally declined his offer. If he'd like the computer back, please come get. And then suggest some things that he CAN do to enhance his granddaughters education that would be acceptable....he can save the list for next gift giving occasion, or return the computer and use the money for something on the list. My list would have things like annual memberships to the zoo, museum, science center, etc....or perhaps there is a big ticket item that your schoolroom could use, like a microscope. Or maybe piano lessons for the kids (though this one I'd have some concern about his unreliability...so maybe think harder on this one given his style). These are all things that we let the grands know would be much appreciated. And so we have several annual memberships that are renewed each year as continuing gifts. And when we've had a particularly great day at one of them, the kids will call the grands and tell them about it.....kinda like a thank you note that keeps on giving!

 

But I would most definitely not allow that computer to stay. It's a symbol of his disrespecting your authority and with some people you can't give an inch. If he refuses to take it back you could always donate it to the library or some other charity and then let him know.

 

I know it sounds cruel to refuse a gift, but it's not a case of his just showing up with something you deem inappropriate (and unreasonable given a small home), because then I'd react differently because the thought was there but just off center. The disrespecting your decision means that he loses the right for you to grin and bear it. Polite yes, pushover no.

 

As for his drifting in and out of the grandchildren's life...if it happens deal with it then.....but don't deny your children his love just on the possibility that he'll hurt them. If we all protected ourselves like that we'd never love anyone. My MIL is fairly unreliable...she lives far far away and never visits, but will call and promise the children she's sending them something....and it never appears. We've asked her not to tell them about it, just let it be a surprise and promised we'd have them call immediately so she doesn't miss out on their happiness. But she won't. So we had to decide whether to disallow phone calls that weren't monitored or if we had to tell our children the truth about grandma....she's good at making promises, but poor at following through. But her love isn't a promise...it's a fact, and there is nothing to follow through so they don't ever doubt her love. Your father is trying his best....maybe he'll be better because it's grandchildren and less responsibility, so he can stick around because the pressure isn't there as much as it was towards you. Sad, but possibly true. Let him build...or ruin...the relationship with your children. It sounds like they love him for who he is...so let him be him.

 

And give yourself an extra hug.:grouphug:

 

Thanks Connie. I especially appreciate the last paragraph. My husband and I decided this past summer, when I began seeing that side of my family again, that as long as my bio father stays sober around our family, is kind to the girls, and is respectful to us, he will be allowed in our life. While this incident is disrespectful of our wishes, it is not reason enough to kick him out of our lives. And yes, he is trying. I hope he will be a wonderful grandfather to them. The do love him, and he obviously loves them. We spent time with him today for Christmas. It's obvious how much he cares for them.

[Nakia]

Just a thought---if it's from WM and you don't have a receipt, that means that it will go on a gift card, and therefore won't be tangible cash that you can use on curricula, savings acct, etc.

 

I thought of that so I called, and you are right. But what we were thinking is we could use it for groceries since it's a SuperWalmart, and then just use our grocery money for the month for the curriculum or their savings accounts.

[Alicia64]

You've been through so much with your "father."

 

I have to tell you: I probably would have handed it back to him lock, stock and barrel.

 

My dad kindly gave our 4 year old boys a fancy game system for Christmas and -- before I even knew what had happened -- dh had ultra kindly declined.

 

It wasn't a big deal at all. We're just not TV or video game people. We thought we'd been upfront about it, but I guess were weren't.

 

I agree w/ you: I wouldn't want your bio dad's insanity brought into my kids' lives. It's bad enough that you had to put up with it.

 

Alley