Tell me what you think of dd's writing.

[Shawna in Texas]

I'm sick and I've already blubbered through the errors I could catch, but this was her first properly researched where she had to actually read and reread the assignment that MCT had given and work within a time frame. I'd love any constructive opinions you can give me. :001_smile: Here is the unedited original.

 

Deep Sleep is the time in sleep where you are most comfortable. Your limbs are relaxed, your breathing is slow, your heart rate goes down. While in deep sleep, you are hard to awaken. Whereas REM sleep you are easily awoken. In deep sleep, this is the only time you can wet the bed because your brain is off. You don’t know that you are hungry, thirsty, or even have to use the toilet. In REM sleep, you know more of you’re surroundings. You need DEEP sleep to have memory, you get your memory by sleeping. This is how short term memory loss is created. You cannot sleepwalk whilst sleeping deeply, but you can go into REM sleep. Deep Sleep is extremely hard to study, since it is a time that your brain is shut off. Fact about sleep: When you first fall asleep, you reach deep sleep first. You are like this for 90 minutes. Then you enter REM sleep for 10 minutes. Then the cycle keep going throughout the night.

 

REM (rapid eye movement) sleep is when you are more aware in your sleep, you can feel feelings, and feel things (touch, blanket, etc.) Your limbs are tense, your heart and breathing is faster, showing that you are physically and mentally in the dream zone. While in REM your eyes move from side to side. You think you actually dream throughout the night, but, in deep sleep, you don’t remember anything, so it seems like you are in REM all night. You are easily awoken in this process of sleep. While in REM sleep, you can start to sleepwalk. The older you get, the less you dream. Infants have 80% REM in sleep. Adults have 25%, and the elderly have (estimated) 7%. Fact about REM: This is the only time where you can enter the dream zone.

 

Sleepwalking; the only time in sleep where you actually have activity. This is rare, but not too rare. When you are sleepwalking, you can stand up, talk, play with toys, turn on the TV, go to the backyard and act like you are playing football, even look at objects like they are foreign, and try to pick them up. Dangerous things can happen too, like unlocking front doors and wandering the streets. Picking up knives or expensive vases. People often say never wake a sleepwalker, because, if you wake them up, their muscles will spasm and they won’t understand what it is going on. You are EXTREMELY easily awoken in sleepwalking, so you mustn’t awake and say go to bed. Simply lead them back to their bed and talk to them. Fact about Sleep-walking: It is very common in the ages 4-8.

 

Reference pictures-

A kitten Sleeping:

 

http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~umair/images/cat.gif

 

Or Homer Simpson:

 

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/231/464621041_1601057ada.jpg

 

A sleep chart: By age, toddlers (ages three and younger) need 12-15 hours of sleep. Children (3-10) need 10-13 hours of sleep. Adolescents need a little more than 9 hours. Adults need 8 hours, and the elderly need 4-6 hours of sleep.

[specialmama]

I am not familiar with MCT, so could you give a quick run-down of what the assignment was? It's easier to critique if we know what the student was expected to accomplish. I'm assuming these are 3 distinct paragraphs to be judged apart, correct? Or are they to flow together in a report or essay? Also, has she worked on outlining?

[Shawna in Texas]

I am not familiar with MCT, so could you give a quick run-down of what the assignment was? It's easier to critique if we know what the student was expected to accomplish. I'm assuming these are 3 distinct paragraphs to be judged apart, correct? Or are they to flow together in a report or essay? Also, has she worked on outlining?

 

Ah, that might help. Informative one-page descriptive piece on an academic subject. Two or more paragraphs. Basically, it's about orderly paragraphs. Tying one into the next. Yes, she has worked on outlining; we do it daily. We aren't the most succinct, so it's something of a challenge to get one that's well...succinct. I feel like I'm forgetting to say something, but if you have any more questions, just ask. It's hard for me to judge her writing beyond grammar stuff, because she makes me laugh. :tongue_smilie:

[specialmama]

Thank you Shawna, that does help. Here is what I would work on if I were you: thesis statements/introduction. I would say that is the weakest (most lacking) part of the whole thing. I'd start with paragraph topic sentences, how to make a strong (interesting) topic sentence, etc., then move to a thesis statement/introduction that really captures her audience. I think she did a good job of having 99% of her paragraph content pertain to one subject (topic sentence) so there's a strong point. Her information is good and presented clearly. She picked some great key facts from her research so I'd encourage her there. Her little factoids at the end of the paragraphs with a colon: LOL, I think it's cute she does that. Is that her personal style? I'd let her know it's good to show her style, there is nothing wrong with it, but I'd also equip her with other paragraph closing styles just in case she was stuck in a habit and not knowing how to get out of it. Was she to do a bibliography? I have a love-hate relationship with them myself LOL, so to me it isn't that important at this stage. If I were you, I'd now sit down with her and make an outline of her 3 paragraphs... lead her to an "aha" moment. As you're making the outline, go in order of what she's written, circling or highlighting things as you meet them (to visually cancel them out) and plunk them into the outline. She'll see where she added details that were supposed to be under a subtopic instead of off on their own.

I'm sure others have more to say, but those are the key things I would work on and commend, especially the bold parts. Hope that helps. And congrats mom, it sounds like she's a bright girl with a lot of personality and style. :)

Edited March 2, 2010 by specialmama

[Pongo]

I'm sick and I've already blubbered through the errors I could catch, but this was her first properly researched where she had to actually read and reread the assignment that MCT had given and work within a time frame. I'd love any constructive opinions you can give me. :001_smile: Here is the unedited original.

 

 

 

Did she write and outline for it? The flow/transitions are a bit rough. A small introductory paragraph with a clear thesis statement might alleviate some of the transitional issues, but it's a rough draft and easy enough to fix for her final:D

[Pongo]

Thank you Shawna, that does help. Here is what I would work on if I were you: thesis statements/introduction. I would say that is the weakest (most lacking) part of the whole thing. I'd start with paragraph topic sentences, how to make a strong (interesting) topic sentence, etc., then move to a thesis statement/introduction that really captures her audience. I think she did a good job of having 99% of her paragraph content pertain to one subject (topic sentence) so there's a strong point. Her information is good and presented clearly. She picked some great key facts from her research so I'd encourage her there. Her little factoids at the end of the paragraphs with a colon: LOL, I think it's cute she does that. Is that her personal style? I'd let her know it's good to show her style, there is nothing wrong with it, but I'd also equip her with other paragraph closing styles just in case she was stuck in a habit and not knowing how to get out of it. Was she to do a bibliography? I have a love-hate relationship with them myself LOL, so to me it isn't that important at this stage. If I were you, I'd now sit down with her and make an outline of her 3 paragraphs... lead her to an "aha" moment. As you're making the outline, go in order of what she's written, circling or highlighting things as you meet them (to visually cancel them out) and plunk them into the outline. She'll see where she added details that were supposed to be under a subtopic instead of off on their own.

I'm sure others have more to say, but those are the key things I would work on and commend, especially the bold parts. Hope that helps. And congrats mom, it sounds like she's a bright girl with a lot of personality and style. :)

 

Opps, I should have read this first. :iagree:

[Shawna in Texas]

Thank you Shawna, that does help. Here is what I would work on if I were you: thesis statements/introduction. I would say that is the weakest (most lacking) part of the whole thing. I'd start with paragraph topic sentences, how to make a strong (interesting) topic sentence, etc., then move to a thesis statement/introduction that really captures her audience. I think she did a good job of having 99% of her paragraph content pertain to one subject (topic sentence) so there's a strong point. Her information is good and presented clearly. She picked some great key facts from her research so I'd encourage her there. Her little factoids at the end of the paragraphs with a colon: LOL, I think it's cute she does that. Is that her personal style? I'd let her know it's good to show her style, there is nothing wrong with it, but I'd also equip her with other paragraph closing styles just in case she was stuck in a habit and not knowing how to get out of it. Was she to do a bibliography? I have a love-hate relationship with them myself LOL, so to me it isn't that important at this stage. If I were you, I'd now sit down with her and make an outline of her 3 paragraphs... lead her to an "aha" moment. As you're making the outline, go in order of what she's written, circling or highlighting things as you meet them (to visually cancel them out) and plunk them into the outline. She'll see where she added details that were supposed to be under a subtopic instead of off on their own.

I'm sure others have more to say, but those are the key things I would work on and commend, especially the bold parts. Hope that helps. And congrats mom, it sounds like she's a bright girl with a lot of personality and style. :)

 

Thank you. I'm much more lucid today, so I was able to pick at it a little more thoroughly.

 

We discussed topic sentences and also how these are supposed to descriptive and not comparative. After taking out all the REM stuff in the first paragraph, it started to flow better. I think the transition between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs is pretty good. We didn't need a bibliograhy, but she showed me where she got the info and I explained that she needed to clarify some things, particularly the deep sleep/memory stuff.

 

Her style is a whole 'nuther thing. I think she should start writing editorials. I really enjoy reading what she writes.

 

Thanks for the idea about the outline after. We will do that today. I think that would help her quite a bit. Because while she used and outline, she embellishes quite a bit, so I think this will help with unnecessary embellishments. :001_smile: Thanks again.