ADHD thoughts & questions

[Plucky]

I held my ds back last year and it was the right decision. He has poor impulse control, not so good social skills, he's pretty dramatic. Medication helped for a while, but as he has gotten older - not so much. He's 11 now and more of a handful. We've increased his medication. We visit the psychologist, pediatrician, psychiatrist, physical therapist, etc. I'm tired of seeing experts and they aren't really helping.

 

I guess I expected things to get even better after the initial meds were started. Things are staying the same except he's getting older and going through trying to challenge me more. He always thinks things are unfair and that it is someone else's fault when he gets in trouble. He tells me he's "sensitive" since he's always getting upset at people, but he isn't usually sensitive to others.

 

And then, his piano teacher thinks he is a musical genius, and she could be right. He has perfect pitch, knows instinctively things that other kids take years to grasp, can play a song perfectly by ear after only just hearing it, and composes songs all the time. This is definitely one of his gifts. He loves music but doesn't seem to want it to be his everything either. He wants to be a Historian & watches the History channel every chance he gets.

 

So on one hand with traditional work he seems delayed and math is a real struggle for him. Forget logical thinking. He is very creative and definitely a think outside the box person. In fact, he can often ONLY think outside the box.

 

By normal academics standards he is failing. I don't think he can be tested properly to find out how intelligent he really is. Does this sound at all like any ADHD kids you know? I'm exhausted by his gifts AND his academic struggles. Any thoughts you'd like to share? I'm struggling lately with parenting him. Its really, really hard work (its always been hard, but I thought it would get better I guess). I can reason with my other kids. I cannot reason with this child. :(

[MamaSheep]

Our dd was recently diagnosed with ADHD but is not currently on meds. I don't know if it's just that she's got a very mild form, or if growing up in an environment suited to her Aspie brother (structured, routines) has helped minimize her own symptoms, or what, but while she definitely falls within the clinical criteria she is a very cheerful child and has none of the behavioral problems normally seen with ADHD. (Though her distractibility was becoming an issue at school last year and beginning to turn into some attitude issues that could easily have led to behavior problems, which is why she's being homeschooled this year to see if we can nip some of that nonsense in the bud.)

 

Anyway, my point here is that one of the things that her doctor told us at the last appointment when the diagnosis was presented and we were discussing options, was that one of the ways they differentiate between ADHD and certain other diagnoses is that if it's ADHD, then the ADHD meds usually work. If you try several different ADHD meds and it doesn't help, then it's probably NOT ADHD after all and there's something else going on with that child. So if the meds are not helping you may want to explore other possibilities.

 

Honestly, what you're describing sounds a lot like my son, especially when he was younger. The issues with social skills and impulse control and the lack of empathy definitely sound like him, and he used to have a really hard time connecting "getting in trouble" with his own actions instead of blaming it on someone or something else (he honestly couldn't see the connection and it used to frustrate me to no end). His thought processes do not match up well with the way other people's minds work, but once you "get" how his mind works his thinking is highly logical--it's just not the same "kind" of logic one would normally think of. He has always had astounding skills in very specific areas, and is obviously incredibly bright, but school was a HUGE struggle for him, especially writing and math (which I could never figure out because informally he could grasp quite advanced mathematical ideas, he just couldn't translate that into doing math academically).

 

I think if I were you I'd have him evaluated for learning disabilities and possibly for autism spectrum disorders or other neurological challenges along those lines.

[Plucky]

Our dd was recently diagnosed with ADHD but is not currently on meds. I don't know if it's just that she's got a very mild form, or if growing up in an environment suited to her Aspie brother (structured, routines) has helped minimize her own symptoms, or what, but while she definitely falls within the clinical criteria she is a very cheerful child and has none of the behavioral problems normally seen with ADHD. (Though her distractibility was becoming an issue at school last year and beginning to turn into some attitude issues that could easily have led to behavior problems, which is why she's being homeschooled this year to see if we can nip some of that nonsense in the bud.)

 

Anyway, my point here is that one of the things that her doctor told us at the last appointment when the diagnosis was presented and we were discussing options, was that one of the ways they differentiate between ADHD and certain other diagnoses is that if it's ADHD, then the ADHD meds usually work. If you try several different ADHD meds and it doesn't help, then it's probably NOT ADHD after all and there's something else going on with that child. So if the meds are not helping you may want to explore other possibilities.

 

Honestly, what you're describing sounds a lot like my son, especially when he was younger. The issues with social skills and impulse control and the lack of empathy definitely sound like him, and he used to have a really hard time connecting "getting in trouble" with his own actions instead of blaming it on someone or something else (he honestly couldn't see the connection and it used to frustrate me to no end). His thought processes do not match up well with the way other people's minds work, but once you "get" how his mind works his thinking is highly logical--it's just not the same "kind" of logic one would normally think of. He has always had astounding skills in very specific areas, and is obviously incredibly bright, but school was a HUGE struggle for him, especially writing and math (which I could never figure out because informally he could grasp quite advanced mathematical ideas, he just couldn't translate that into doing math academically).

 

I think if I were you I'd have him evaluated for learning disabilities and possibly for autism spectrum disorders or other neurological challenges along those lines.

 

The medications do work. Yesterday he was off and it was a nightmare. We are in the process of adjusting them and I am just frustrated. I thought he might be an aspie, too, but both his pediatrician and psychologist says he is not, because he can stay on topic in a conversation and has decent eye contact (I tend to think he fakes a lot of this as that is why I didn't know he had adhd at first).

 

I do need to have him tested for learning issues. I've put it off because he does better and then he doesn't. I'm tired of experts I really am. I'm also tired of all the stinking appts. I know I need to press on and maybe switch psychologists, but this one knows us and accepts us and doesn't judge the homeschooling.

 

I also think sometimes that maybe I need to just love this kid and accept where he is at, while still drawing the line at unacceptable behavior. I worry for him. He's high anxiety & melancholy as well. He's happy most of the time at home but is very moody. I asked the psychologist about bi-polar at one point. My ds is so good at pleasing experts.

 

I guess the answer is to keep pressing on and find someone that will help us.

[MamaSheep]

The medications do work. Yesterday he was off and it was a nightmare. We are in the process of adjusting them and I am just frustrated. I thought he might be an aspie, too, but both his pediatrician and psychologist says he is not, because he can stay on topic in a conversation and has decent eye contact (I tend to think he fakes a lot of this as that is why I didn't know he had adhd at first).

 

Oh I'm sorry, I thought before you were saying they didn't work. My bad. And I'm sure your experts know more than I would about whether he's an Aspie. I sometimes think I fall into the "if what you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail" trap. Asperger's and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (in a big fat way) are what I'm used to dealing with, so that's always the first thing that comes to mind.

 

I do need to have him tested for learning issues. I've put it off because he does better and then he doesn't. I'm tired of experts I really am. I'm also tired of all the stinking appts. I know I need to press on and maybe switch psychologists, but this one knows us and accepts us and doesn't judge the homeschooling.

 

I also think sometimes that maybe I need to just love this kid and accept where he is at, while still drawing the line at unacceptable behavior. I worry for him. He's high anxiety & melancholy as well. He's happy most of the time at home but is very moody. I asked the psychologist about bi-polar at one point. My ds is so good at pleasing experts.

 

I guess the answer is to keep pressing on and find someone that will help us.

 

I totally know what you mean about being fed up with "experts". They all tell you something different and only some of it helps and they're not the ones who have to LIVE with it. And sometimes they don't really even know what they're talking about. In the past we've worked with the public school therapists of various kinds, and for the most part it's been a positive experience even though ds has been new territory for most of them. We did have one psychologist who just refused to "get it" and kept trying to work with ds on his "anger issues" when I kept telling her that what she was seeing was sensory overload and/or the "fight" response being triggered by anxiety. Learning anger control techniques was absolutely useless, but she seemed to think the real problem was me. This year he's going into junior high, which is where she transferred to after leaving the elementary school a couple years ago, and after talking to her about him it's clear that she's still stuck in HER way of thinking, even though we've had a lot of progress happen through working with him on ANXIETY management instead of anger management so it's pretty clear to me that she's barking up the wrong tree. So we're choosing to forgo psychological services this year....sigh. Experts.

 

One "expert" who was teaching a seminar I once attended had the sense and humility to point out to us all that an "ex" is a has-been, and a "spurt" is a drip under pressure. I remind myself of this on a regular basis....lol.

[Plucky]

Oh I'm sorry, I thought before you were saying they didn't work. My bad. And I'm sure your experts know more than I would about whether he's an Aspie. I sometimes think I fall into the "if what you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail" trap. Asperger's and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (in a big fat way) are what I'm used to dealing with, so that's always the first thing that comes to mind.

 

 

 

I totally know what you mean about being fed up with "experts". They all tell you something different and only some of it helps and they're not the ones who have to LIVE with it. And sometimes they don't really even know what they're talking about. In the past we've worked with the public school therapists of various kinds, and for the most part it's been a positive experience even though ds has been new territory for most of them. We did have one psychologist who just refused to "get it" and kept trying to work with ds on his "anger issues" when I kept telling her that what she was seeing was sensory overload and/or the "fight" response being triggered by anxiety. Learning anger control techniques was absolutely useless, but she seemed to think the real problem was me. This year he's going into junior high, which is where she transferred to after leaving the elementary school a couple years ago, and after talking to her about him it's clear that she's still stuck in HER way of thinking, even though we've had a lot of progress happen through working with him on ANXIETY management instead of anger management so it's pretty clear to me that she's barking up the wrong tree. So we're choosing to forgo psychological services this year....sigh. Experts.

 

One "expert" who was teaching a seminar I once attended had the sense and humility to point out to us all that an "ex" is a has-been, and a "spurt" is a drip under pressure. I remind myself of this on a regular basis....lol.

 

Thanks for the shoulder. You are very kind. I'm thinking my kiddo may have ADHD & Asperger's now. I'm going to have to really push this with my doctors.

 

Is the learning issue testing any different if Aspergers is suspected?

[Tami]

I understand your frustration. It is a very demanding and tiring job raising an ad/hd tween! Like me, you sound like you could use a good cup of encouragement and a bottle of patience to go with it. This is a HUGE job, and I really think that homeschooling is the best way to go.

 

I hate to recommend a book, but I am going to recommend one anyway! This one is a cup of encouragement, and it takes a strength-based, practical approach to managing AD/HDers. The audio is on sale for only $10. I cannot tell you how much I love, love, love this book!

 

I agree with you about all the therapy. I think it *can* cause too much turning inward, overanalyzing everything, and emphasizing feelings TOO much to where the adder starts to take advantage. Remember that YOU are the expert on your child, and that therapy whould have a...err...therapeutic effect. Trust yourself on what is not working, take a deep breath, and take charge of the situation.

 

I have found it best to concentrate on loving my child, honoring her special add gifts, and focusing less on trying to "fix" her. The studies show over and over again that the sense of connectedness and love are the BEST predictors of how these kids will do as adults.

 

Explore supplements, whole foods, structure, behavior modification, limiting screen time to 30 min per day, and anything else that might help just a little. Dr. Amen has some good recommendations at his website.

 

You are the most important person in your child's life, so set boundaries for yourself and take care of yourself so that your cup is full, rather than empty. You must put yourself on the "To Do" list, and make time for friends, time away, physical health, hobbies, and the like. You know, time to just be YOU, not a wife or mom. This is actually not a selfish thing to do; it is very UNselfish, because it will equip you to stay in the game for the long haul. What can you plan to do for yourself this week-end? Next week?

 

You are not alone. It is common for parents of ad/hders to become depressed, so please watch yourself for signs and symptoms of that as well. It is vital for me to exercise everyday, have time outside of the house with friends, to have a hobby, and to eat well to maintain my sense of well-being. How are you doing in those areas?

 

All the best to you!

[Plucky]

I understand your frustration. It is a very demanding and tiring job raising an ad/hd tween! Like me, you sound like you could use a good cup of encouragement and a bottle of patience to go with it. This is a HUGE job, and I really think that homeschooling is the best way to go.

 

I hate to recommend a book, but I am going to recommend one anyway! This one is a cup of encouragement, and it takes a strength-based, practical approach to managing AD/HDers. The audio is on sale for only $10. I cannot tell you how much I love, love, love this book!

 

I agree with you about all the therapy. I think it *can* cause too much turning inward, overanalyzing everything, and emphasizing feelings TOO much to where the adder starts to take advantage. Remember that YOU are the expert on your child, and that therapy whould have a...err...therapeutic effect. Trust yourself on what is not working, take a deep breath, and take charge of the situation.

 

I have found it best to concentrate on loving my child, honoring her special add gifts, and focusing less on trying to "fix" her. The studies show over and over again that the sense of connectedness and love are the BEST predictors of how these kids will do as adults.

 

Explore supplements, whole foods, structure, behavior modification, limiting screen time to 30 min per day, and anything else that might help just a little. Dr. Amen has some good recommendations at his website.

 

You are the most important person in your child's life, so set boundaries for yourself and take care of yourself so that your cup is full, rather than empty. You must put yourself on the "To Do" list, and make time for friends, time away, physical health, hobbies, and the like. You know, time to just be YOU, not a wife or mom. This is actually not a selfish thing to do; it is very UNselfish, because it will equip you to stay in the game for the long haul. What can you plan to do for yourself this week-end? Next week?

 

You are not alone. It is common for parents of ad/hders to become depressed, so please watch yourself for signs and symptoms of that as well. It is vital for me to exercise everyday, have time outside of the house with friends, to have a hobby, and to eat well to maintain my sense of well-being. How are you doing in those areas?

 

All the best to you!

 

You're right. I also haven't been practicing self care like I should. I've let some things go as I prepare for school & am avoiding some things, too. I think I'm letting it get to me too much and getting obsessive. Thank you. It really does help when other moms get what I'm going through. :grouphug:

[Misty]

You just described my 11yo daughter to a T and she has Asperger's and ADHD (and OCD). As I was reading I was thinking "Definitely Asperger's!". It can be difficult to diagnose for the higher-functioning ones though. You really have to find a good psychologist who is well-versed in Asperger's. Some kids are "Aspergerish", but don't quite have enough for the diagnosis. Have you watched Mozart and the Whale? The girl with Asperger's on there has perfect pitch. It's a good movie.

[Plucky]

You just described my 11yo daughter to a T and she has Asperger's and ADHD (and OCD). As I was reading I was thinking "Definitely Asperger's!". It can be difficult to diagnose for the higher-functioning ones though. You really have to find a good psychologist who is well-versed in Asperger's. Some kids are "Aspergerish", but don't quite have enough for the diagnosis. Have you watched Mozart and the Whale? The girl with Asperger's on there has perfect pitch. It's a good movie.

 

I've been thinking he was "Aspergerish" for a long time. In fact, he had a speech therapist that first told me she thought he was. She worked one-on-one with him an hour a week. So far the idea has been brushed aside. I'm definitely going to push an eval. I think he is very high functioning but even so it affects so much of his life. Maybe I'll bet that movie. Thanks for the post.

[JennW in SoCal]

I wanted to pop in with some words of encouragement from someone who has been there, done that and survived to tell the tale!

 

My oldest ds is ADHD and OCD, and I think Aspergerish, though we've had different "experts" give differing opinions about that. But, no matter what the dx, puberty was the absolute worst period of life with the kid, with the ages of 12 & 13 being the worst of the absolute worst.

 

The ADHD and obsessive symptoms were at their peak during these years. He shut down and wanted to quit all the outside activities he had previously been enjoying, and seemed to hit a wall with the increasing academic demands that come with middle school or logic stage work. The only thing he wanted to do was focus on his obsessions -- I was desperately worried about him, couldn't seem to imagine him getting through high school much less succeeding in life.

 

Fast forward a few years and he is one terrific kid who graduated with honors last spring. He has harnessed his obsessions into a career path and is trusted and respected by area professionals in his field. He is starting a new job next week, starting college the week after that and probably moving across country early next year to start his dream career. A couple of good friends who held my hand during that dark and difficult period have said to me recently, "don't you wish you could have seen how well it would all turn out?" There is no crystal ball, but I want to share with you that this period, like the "terrible twos" will pass!

 

So how did I survive that bleak period? What can you glean from my experience? Well, my first piece of advice is to love your kiddos even though they are in a very unlikeable stage. Sounds simplistic, but it is necessary for living with them during this time. And learn to laugh about it all -- a good sense of humor is important along with some time away from them for coffee and chocolate. :D Remind yourself what a brutal period this is for your child, too. Puberty isn't easy, and kids with ADHD, OCD and/or Aspergers do NOT cope well with change. My son felt like his body was betraying him by growing and changing so rapidly. On top of the physical changes, their brains shut down to only primal instincts -- eating and sleeping and grunting. They are struggling, so you just have to love them and not let them be horrible -- there is a line of decent behavior that they can't cross no matter how miserable they feel.

 

Academics are hard during this time for even neuro-typical kids due to this business of their brains shutting down. I went back to reading aloud quite a bit. Or listening together to audio books. We did short assignments in writing, and I hired a tutor for a while. What worked the best, though, was incorporating my ds's interests into school. He is a Disney freak and obsessed with theatrical lighting design, so I made all of that a part of school. He created word problems from Disney statistics -- average wait time for Space Mountain, for instance. His grandpa bought him some shares of Disney stock and he followed the stock market and read the business pages of the newspaper. He started volunteering with the tech team at church and eventually joined a youth theater group where he got lots of hands on experience in lighting which has led him to being hired by community theater groups.

 

Meds were helpful. Therapists were helpful during particularly critical periods, but not for times when things are going well. ADHD kids need such a well structured environment, but teens balk at mom doing too much for them, so helping them learn to organize themselves with whatever works for them -- electronic PDAs or calendars, or old fashioned paper organizers.

 

This got long, but I hope it helps. You will find you have an interesting young adult under your roof in a few years, then you'll suddenly wonder where the time went when they are heading off to live their own lives. It is interminable right now, I know, but with lots of love and humor you'll both get through it.

[Plucky]

I wanted to pop in with some words of encouragement from someone who has been there, done that and survived to tell the tale!

 

My oldest ds is ADHD and OCD, and I think Aspergerish, though we've had different "experts" give differing opinions about that. But, no matter what the dx, puberty was the absolute worst period of life with the kid, with the ages of 12 & 13 being the worst of the absolute worst.

 

The ADHD and obsessive symptoms were at their peak during these years. He shut down and wanted to quit all the outside activities he had previously been enjoying, and seemed to hit a wall with the increasing academic demands that come with middle school or logic stage work. The only thing he wanted to do was focus on his obsessions -- I was desperately worried about him, couldn't seem to imagine him getting through high school much less succeeding in life.

 

Fast forward a few years and he is one terrific kid who graduated with honors last spring. He has harnessed his obsessions into a career path and is trusted and respected by area professionals in his field. He is starting a new job next week, starting college the week after that and probably moving across country early next year to start his dream career. A couple of good friends who held my hand during that dark and difficult period have said to me recently, "don't you wish you could have seen how well it would all turn out?" There is no crystal ball, but I want to share with you that this period, like the "terrible twos" will pass!

 

So how did I survive that bleak period? What can you glean from my experience? Well, my first piece of advice is to love your kiddos even though they are in a very unlikeable stage. Sounds simplistic, but it is necessary for living with them during this time. And learn to laugh about it all -- a good sense of humor is important along with some time away from them for coffee and chocolate. :D Remind yourself what a brutal period this is for your child, too. Puberty isn't easy, and kids with ADHD, OCD and/or Aspergers do NOT cope well with change. My son felt like his body was betraying him by growing and changing so rapidly. On top of the physical changes, their brains shut down to only primal instincts -- eating and sleeping and grunting. They are struggling, so you just have to love them and not let them be horrible -- there is a line of decent behavior that they can't cross no matter how miserable they feel.

 

Academics are hard during this time for even neuro-typical kids due to this business of their brains shutting down. I went back to reading aloud quite a bit. Or listening together to audio books. We did short assignments in writing, and I hired a tutor for a while. What worked the best, though, was incorporating my ds's interests into school. He is a Disney freak and obsessed with theatrical lighting design, so I made all of that a part of school. He created word problems from Disney statistics -- average wait time for Space Mountain, for instance. His grandpa bought him some shares of Disney stock and he followed the stock market and read the business pages of the newspaper. He started volunteering with the tech team at church and eventually joined a youth theater group where he got lots of hands on experience in lighting which has led him to being hired by community theater groups.

 

Meds were helpful. Therapists were helpful during particularly critical periods, but not for times when things are going well. ADHD kids need such a well structured environment, but teens balk at mom doing too much for them, so helping them learn to organize themselves with whatever works for them -- electronic PDAs or calendars, or old fashioned paper organizers.

 

This got long, but I hope it helps. You will find you have an interesting young adult under your roof in a few years, then you'll suddenly wonder where the time went when they are heading off to live their own lives. It is interminable right now, I know, but with lots of love and humor you'll both get through it.

 

Thank you. He is in an unlikeable state right now and I've felt really guilty about that. I've always been the mom that didn't quit and lately I have felt like quitting. He really is a fascinating person and has a good heart when I can reach it. His older brother went through puberty around this time, maybe that is part of our problem. I do need to keep my humor and stop taking things so seriously. Love & humor and a couple more evals. Take care of myself. Okay, I got it. Thank you so much. Your post is very helpful. :grouphug:

[jolley]

Didn't read all the posts so if this doesn't apply....:blushing: Does he have

1)ADD or ADHD

2)Acting out, fighting

3)Social withdrawal, excessive anxiety

4)Immaturity

5)Learning difficulties

 

This is called an Emotional Disturbance. My ds 8 has it. Hadn't heard of it until the diagnosis. Fits him perfectly though.....