[Recommendations for someone pulling kids out]

I would start her off with Julie Bogart-- the Bravewriter blog and podcasts and all the other stuff Julie does seem to me like a positive and encouraging start. She has a fun post on deschooling.

[Inner-city living makes for healthier, happier people, study finds]

Safe, walkable green spaces and opportunities for positive human interaction and retreat seem necessary no matter where one lives. Walking distance to small, well-stocked shops also would probably add more to my happiness than Amazon Prime does, but maybe that's just the mental ideal I've created (I call it Paris).

 

Living in the country without a driver's license was immensely isolating for me, too (as a teenager), and the roads were treacherous to walk/bike as all lacked sidewalks. When I see suburban developments in my area with tightly packed McMansions with minimal backyards, no sidewalks, and no common areas, I feel that these areas are also tremendously isolating. Rural areas (at least in the U.S.) have historical reasons for being spread out, but there's really no excuse for planners today to be doing such a poor job of creating livable suburban spaces. The good thing to remember if one disagrees personally is that these studies aren't intended to turn all people into urban dwellers, but to use data about what makes people happy to create better suburban living spaces for the many people who live there due to choice or circumstances.

[Beast Academy Facebook discussion group]

While I do think that perspective can be very limiting-- as a secular homeschooler, I think it's important that we're not erasing discussions of faith from our homeschool but rather free to choose the best resources for us and be frank about their biases with our children--  the author of LoF clearly made a conscious, reasoned decision to include aspects of his Christian faith in the books even though they're not strictly necessary to the texts' math instruction (and knowing that it might alienate some readers). That was his choice, just like the group moderator in this case was free to make the choice to exclude all discussions of books with references to Christian beliefs, regardless of the fact that it might alienate some members of her group.

 

However, I do think math and religion are a really interesting topic, FWIW, and I imagine you math could get pretty religious because math is one reason I'm agnostic and not an atheist!

 

 

[Books you wish you'd waited to give your kids?]

Call of the Wild was too brutal with the dogs when we first tried it.  But we just stopped as soon as that was realized.

 

I have more regrets about books that were missed when dc still young enough to appreciate them.  

 

I also have regrets about a book that got given away whose title and author we don't know and thus could not replace.  Thought reading it to ds once or twice was fine, but he would have liked it many times only it was too late.  (It had a theme that went something like How much do I love you?  And then some animal with the animal parent saying something that would make sense in terms of that animal about how much the parent animal loved the baby animal.  Basically a picture book with a little writing on each page.

 

And I missed some basic classics like The Little Engine That Could when the right emotional stage was there for it.

 

Totally agree with the bolded, although...I know so many adults who are passionate about children's literature that maybe it's not too late! But it's a different kind of appreciation, isn't it? You used the words "emotional stage," and I think those are just right. There's something about reading a book that just gets you.

 

I read most of Judy Blume's books (some to the librarian's considerable consternation) when I was about 8 years old. I didn't get any of the references that appalled the librarian's sensibilities, and maybe that's an argument for allowing kids to read the books they want, but just to play devil's advocate maybe that's also an argument that I would have gotten more from them if I'd read them once I really was going through adolescence, and feeling insecure about my body, or discovering it Deenie-style. (As it was, I thought Deenie's special place was her shoulder.) I missed out on one of the things that makes Judy Blume Judy Blume. I guess this happens to adults, too, though-- when you read the right book at the right time in your life, it's a revelation. And that can't necessarily be something you can predict or control.

 

[i also wanted to say I'm pretty sure we can figure out your Mystery Book...I keep thinking of "almost it" books (I Love My Mommy Because immediately came to mind but not quite what you're looking for)...on that note, though, you made me realize with your comment that it is worth it to buy the library book my 4 year old adores while she still adores it. Not worth pinching those pennies.]

[online math games]

If she is okay with something competitive, my kids like Sumdog. (Enough that I'm like a broken record recommending it, and that I pay for the monthly subscription even though many of the games are free without it.)

[9 year old can't read, need cheap/free suggestions]

Free, and very good, but somewhat time-consuming to sift through because they are intended for classroom use: the Core Knowledge Skills materials contain readers, worksheets, and lesson plans.

 

It is good of your friend to help. From the limited information we have, I'd imagine she is giving that girl more than just tutoring, but also another warm, caring adult presence at a time when it really makes a difference.

[Talk me down or push me over]

Thinking about it, our main stress areas are math and writing, and our main conflict is over her getting her work done each day without me having to nag, and her being ready to work with me when I'm ready to work with her. My days are pretty tightly scheduled, and when I have a time slot open to work with her, I need her to be ready to go, not reluctant or sulky or resistant. That's really my biggest issue, her attitude can throw my whole day into a tailspin as my carefully constructed plans to get it all done fall apart. I need to practice detachment on that one. 

 

I think I can't be the only one who reread this several times because it felt so good to have someone voice my own feelings so cogently.

 

And I am not dealing with the health issues your family has, which add an extra burden. But I think so many of us can relate to this in general.

 

I have no idea how to be detached about it; it makes me feel really upset. But are those feelings of anger and sadness and resentment really bad, or in a way do they help bring us closer to the feelings our kids must have about the fact that we can often be unavailable in a multitude of ways when they want or need us for something? In truth, I am often sulky and resistant when I am in the middle of an activity (including that wonderful called thinking) and another person interrupts and expects something from me without taking into account what I am doing. Even if they're talking about something that would normally excite me or interest me, it just feels intrusive not to have that respectful, "Are you busy?" or, "When you get a chance, could I tell you something?"

 

This is not at all helpful, I realize, in terms of getting the work you've set off to do done, but I've found that when I have to frequently say "Not now, I'm in the middle of something" to my kids, they are more likely to say "Do I have to? Right now?" to me. And that kind of season is a good time to become a little more flexible and unschool-y.

[WWYD? Friend's kids and food]

My sister struggles with an eating disorder, and sadly, if that is part of the issue here, there is nothing you can say that is going to significantly affect the parents' behavior.

 

Every sane, reasonable argument postulated previously in this thread about reasonable portions, limiting snacking, and so forth may be co-opted by the person afflicted with an eating disorder to explain why they are controlling their child's food intake. And also to explain away their own eating behavior: "I'm just a light eater. I don't snack. I already ate."

 

At least, that is my experience. Yes, say something, because you must, but be prepared to be rebuffed with criticism of your own parenting or diatribes about the eating habits of most people, which are valid from a social standpoint but invalid when an active, growing child is asking for a second helping of chicken and sweet potatoes (to give one potentially healthy, nourishing example) or can't make it for 4-6 hours between meals without a handful of nuts or a yogurt and an apple. Expect the possibility that the person who is being question will latch onto the one time they saw your children chowing down on Goldfish and juice only 30 minutes before lunchtime, or the time you served bowls of Cheerios for lunch, as evidence that you have no right to speak on this issue.

 

Now, hopefully your friends are just kind of oblivious as to these issues, but there's also a chance that what you see as small appetites is restricting. And this is a very hard issue to deal with. If your friend doesn't get mad at you for sharing your food, that's very promising and I agree that explicitly planning for snacks and lunch is your best bet. What do the parents say when their kids are whining or behaving badly and you ask them, "What's going on w/ ______? It seems like he's not feeling that great right now." Good luck.

[Help me hone my thoughts on early math education]

Yes, your plan sounds reasonable to me!

 

One thing I would add to your verbal sessions is just not forgoing scribing totally-- I like to help translate our conversations into mathematical language by keeping a whiteboard beside us when we play games. I don't make a big deal out of it, but I think this is one of the reasons sometimes math can be tricky for unschoolers-- yes, human brains are wired to do math, and we use it all the time, but part of numeracy is also a comfortable familiarity with the conventions of translating our understanding to written equations and symbols. Most of us don't come into daily contact with written math in the same way we do with written language, so there are fewer natural opportunities to become comfortable with it. (But you likely have already formed your own opinions about this from your own experience!)

 

Your child also does sound like an ideal candidate for a set of c-rods. Gattegno's books are available free online, too, for ideas. They can really encourage a great deal of creative, imaginative, and playful conceptual understanding.

[Favorite Picture Study / Art Cards]

This may not be exactly what you're looking for-- I didn't think it was what I was looking for until I came across it used and was impressed by the quality-- but we like the Art Resources published by Core Knowledge. They're collections of art prints (arranged by grade, which is unnecessary for our purposes!) on 8 1/2 by 11" card stock. They have some suggested questions on the back. My kids have actually appropriated many of these and hung them on their walls! (I've never used the teacher's guides or anything; these stand alone in my opinion as a way of acquainting kids with great works of art. When I want more meat, I use library books as supplements.)

[Possessive with a gerund?]

Personally, I vote for your sending that email.

[Talking Homeschool Styles with Tweens]

Well, when my daughter expressed interest in unschooling, I first wanted to find out what she meant by unschooling. She meant that she wanted more autonomy, not that she wanted to worm out of all academics and do nothing valuable with her time all day long. She also meant that a few of my curriculum choices were turning out to be pure busywork, and she was right.

 

I feel like I benefited from pondering my answer, and what I ended up with was not a critique of unschoolers but a more crystallized understanding of my own educational philosophy, which is that kids should have a growing say in their education as they mature, but that guiding them along certain logical sequences of understanding will be to their benefit as their passions and interests change, and as they encounter the absolutely normal feelings of self-doubt and ebbing motivation in the face of passions and program prerequisites. This is my personal belief, but I agree with my daughter that her unschooling friends are poster children for the fact that unschooling can create really great people who make many aspects of the philosophy seem more tenable than in the abstract.

[Should I switch to Beast Academy? Can you share your BA routine?]

I agree that if your kids have been successful this far with Singapore, going back to BA3 (except for just fun supplementation or the challenge problems) might not be ideal.

 

Did you know you can look at MIF's complete teacher's guide online? (You are asked to give some personal information in order to access it.) If this is only a temporary hiccup in Singapore, that might get you over the hump. I've not done 5A, but I do know that my third grader was ready to do Beast 3A after Singapore 2B. Since BA contains problems that can be challenging even for adults, it can be appropriate to send kids back to it for enrichment and enjoyment, but they will still be solidifying concepts that your kids have likely already mastered.

 

With that said, I'm a huge proponent of doing Beast Academy on its own since it's what changed my third grader (who was rushing through her work, making silly mistakes, and complaining "This is boring") from a math complainer to someone who tackles problems with excitement. She prefers to read the Guide on her own or we read silently side-by-side, stopping and talking things over before turning the page, and then to do problems with me at her side. I don't have any hard and fast rules about time spent, but I look at the problems and try to decide where good stopping places might be-- there is often a natural flow (as with Singapore and other well-designed programs!) where the questions actually build upon each other and deserve to be done together. And my daughter's behavior can also point to good stopping points!

 

Ideally, I would love for my kids to do BA together. But my older one is devastated when her younger sibling gets things before her. I don't want it to be this way, and think the age gap shouldn't be so meaningful, but I respect my older daughter's feelings and the kids take turns babysitting and playing while I do math with the other one. I think BA has great problems to work on with a partner, but for now, I have to be that partner.

[Daycare-update]

Wow, it made me feel old when I recalled a study on preschool expulsions and Google revealed that it was published over 10 years ago. But it's pertinent: Pre-K Students Expelled at More Than Three Times the Rate of K-12 Students

 

An interesting quotation from the lead author of the study: "When teachers reported having access to a behavioral consultant who was able to provide classroom–based strategies for dealing with challenging student behaviors, the likelihood of expulsion was nearly cut in half.â€

 

It is a sad fact that most preschool/daycare teachers-- like most parents!-- are not properly educated in managing unwanted behaviors. That's why we get the hot sauce advice. There's actually really good research on what works with kids, and daycare would seem an excellent place to apply the research, since we can't require parents to receive accreditation! But it's also a problem that daycare workers receive so little respect and social support; if you go into a career because you have a passion for it, you are more likely to be enthusiastic about the opportunity to guide little kids to be their best (and keep up-to-date on the latest social research re: things like biting and intervention!), especially if you receive gratitude from society as a whole for helping socialize our littlest citizens. We don't necessarily need "behavioral consultants", just a little more information/education.

 

One thing I have observed, both as a parent aware of my own missteps and working in a preschool classroom, is that many times the perception of the adult plays as crucial a role-- or perhaps the more crucial role-- in understanding the behavior of children as the actual behaviors. And when I'm feeling frazzled, disrespected, and underpaid, you bet I don't want to be around a kid who is having a bad day or a bad week, nor do I want to be responsible for fixing it.

[Being Careless with Math?]

Well, when I was in school, we rarely sat and did a page of problems on our own at that age. Math when taught well is not a solitary effort, but often collaborative and involves communication. Kids do problems up on the board. Other kids chime in. Kids work things out in groups. This was true for us in all of my math classes, including high school. The only time we worked alone was on tests, which are artificial situations that our teachers relied upon because they often couldn't put in the 1:1 time required to ensure we were all really learning the concepts.

 

So, I think maybe some of your concern is misplaced, but also your expectation that your child should do math alone just because she's capable of understanding it. This is okay, I think, for rote practice of facts, but it's not the best practice in math teaching. (Now, some kids love doing math practice independently, and that's fine, but needing or wanting more scaffolding is very normal. And since most kids don't have the opportunity to see lots of written math in the same way that they read, it is often necessary to get them accustomed to showing their work in a consistent and clear way.)

 

I don't know what to suggest about time. I have not mastered this and do fewer subjects so that we can hit math well. But I'd actually rather spend less time doing math daily than have my child develop bad habits on her own, which is exactly what happens here.

[At what age should I teach my child how to write?]

In kindergarten, letter reversals seem very common and developmentally normal. This was the rational, back when I was in school, of starting learning handwriting in grade 1.

 

My sister, a k teacher, rues the earlier emphasis on handwriting. She feels this is akin to working very, very hard to teach a group of 9 month olds to walk, when some of them haven't even started crawling yet. She would like to see more time spent on development of fine and gross motor skills through other activities.

 

My kindergartener currently spends a lot of time coloring, stickering, cutting, doing mazes, and drawing. I have her also spend about 1 or 2 minutes forming a letter each day. We will slowly work through the alphabet this way. FWIW, my third grader (of the super messy don't-care handwriting) recently decided she wants us to be able to read the stories she writes, and voila! Her handwriting has begun to look absolutely neat and lovely. Once she had the capability to write legibly, consistently, for her, it was just a matter of being able to see the point of it all.

 

This isn't to say you shouldn't look into dysgraphia or dyslexia if you're really concerned that your son isn't meeting reasonable expectations for his age, but that the school's expectations aren't necessarily reasonable or developmentally appropriate-- according, at least, to my k teacher insider.

[I'm a Bad Mom]

I am reminded of the time my sister came home in high school and showed me that her entire back was black and blue after jumping off a bridge with friends.

 

Boy, was I glad she was alive so that I could start pummeling her.

 

Your reaction, like mine, was certainly one of those definitions of love that doesn't make it's way into the dictionary. I'm glad your daughter is doing well and hope she'll be uncomfortable just long enough not to take another physical risk like this, but no longer.

[diet and mood]

Ah, that sounds like my 7 year old. Down to growling.

 

I think the greatest thing here is that your daughter noticed feeling better! I mean, I'm an adult, and I have a hard time being aware of my emotions/physical state and the things that affect it. It seems to me from what you wrote that perhaps she feels best when she has a certain amount of fresh/raw fruits and veggies, protein, and fiber at each meal (along with a moderate amount of healthy fats). And maybe she can deal with carbs and sugar as long as it's a moderate amount, not on an empty stomach? For instance, can she do pizza if it's accompanied by a salad (with chicken or chickpeas, avocado, nuts)? Are pancakes okay if she eats one or two after having some fresh fruit, yogurt, and a piece of sausage? If it's a blood sugar issue, this might help-- if it's an ingredient issue or the gluten, it wouldn't.

[Which Foreign Language if any ???]

Learning any foreign language is useful in many ways beyond the practical, much like learning an instrument. And much like learning an instrument, it can create a lot of unhappiness and stunted learning if you're having to force an unwilling kid to practice-- because practice is the most essential, habitual component of learning a new language.

 

So my personal preference is that if you can't put them in a situation where practice is inevitable and utility is obvious to some degree (even at minimum, where they frequently see signs in this language or hear it spoken in public if not at home or by family members)...let them choose. And let them change their minds, if they're still young. The people I know who have used their language study in their adult lives-- as a hobby or in a career-- are those who chose it themselves and enjoyed it. (I am thinking of my friend the classics professor who is finding his pursuit of Latin and ancient Greek useful, and my former neighbor the Russian major who is living and working in Russia, and my friend of Italian heritage who studied Italian to be able to read her grandparents' letters and now is working through reading Italian lit in her spare time for fun, or my sister who studied Spanish and is now working teaching kids who come to kindergarten speaking mostly Spanish.)

 

Spanish is definitely easiest where we live: there are the most free resources available, my kids hang out with kids who speak Spanish at home and thus have that natural curiosity to figure out what they're talking about, and we can participate in the kind of cultural activities that make people interested in learning about a different geographical location (by which I mean: EATING!) If music has inspired curiosity in your kids about Italian, that sounds like a fine place to start, and if they change their minds, knowing one Romance language is very useful if you want to learn a different one!

[JAWM People from Other Nations]

I also have strong personal reactions against people photographing my kids. I'm private to the point where my friends know to reassure me, when they take pictures of our kids together, that they will not post them on their blogs or Facebook.

 

With that said, our family is half Asian. My kids happened to have inherited the half that looks completely northern European. They look very exotic to our less worldly Asian relatives, who both grew up in a culture where it's not considered rude to gaze fixedly at another person (or, one might say, stare) or even to comment on the physical appearance of another person directly and frankly. One other thing? As a culture, they adore children. They just love having kids around. This is a mass stereotype, but kids tend to be very welcome-- and welcomed lovingly-- in public and at all occasions in a way they aren't generally in the U.S.

 

I think it's good to be able to step up and say directly, "NO PHOTOGRAPHS." But I think it's also good to have that place in your heart that moves past the "My kids are not an exhibit in a zoo!" reaction to, "These people think my kids are adorable, their cherubic faces make their hearts happy, and when they look back on their trip in America, one of the things they remember about it is the sweet kids they saw." I know if my relatives were taking the pictures of kids, that's what they'd be thinking and they really just aren't all that worldly-- they do not come from a particularly diverse part of the world, and part of the advantage our our position (if we choose to use it) is that it sometimes makes perspective-taking easier.

 

In any case, I'm sorry it put a damper on your vacation because as logical as I am about this, it does make me feel a little protective of my kids when an adult strikes up a conversation with them asking if we are really their parents, and if anyone else in their family has blue eyes, etc...photographing can also feel like an incursion.

[Regional dialect? Moi?]

They're exactly the same.  But then, I'm also from New England. :D

 

Agreed. Then again, my grandparents also used to put an r in wash (when they spoke).

 

On the plus side, it was easier for me to spell aunt than for my friends who had ants.

 

[Media literacy & consumer literacy]

Thanks for the tips. What is Digital Passport?

 

It's a set of brief videos and games that teach kids about certain aspects of digital safety (communication, privacy, cyberbullying, web searches, crediting web sources). I don't think it contains any information about advertising awareness, or "Click here to claim your $1,000 prize!", or any of that, but it does have some good information. There are also two more programs intended for older kids, Digital Compass and Digital Bytes.

[4th grade newbie, need help and advice.]

So she dislikes CC. And she disliked school. (What are the things she disliked about it, anyway?) I am noticing a pattern here. What did your daughter envision when she begged to be homeschooled? What would her ideal day look like? What does she consider the things she needs to work more on or things she'd like to cover this year in greater detail? (I'm not saying you have to fulfill these wishes. But since you DID fulfill her wish to be homeschooled, I know you care enough to at least hear her out and probably already have heard her out!)

 

I don't know what you daughter is like, or what will work for her. There is wonderful advice and ideas here, but kids thrive on different models. It doesn't matter how wonderful CC or a classical education in general is if it's not engaging your daughter. But you are not doing anything wrong! If your daughter spent years disliking school, you've got a wonderful challenge to create a learning environment that is unlike that bad experience as possible. Perhaps your daughter needs more creative and intellectual freedom than CC offers? (I don't know. I've never done CC. I don't know your daughter.)

[Media literacy & consumer literacy]

Common Sense media has a series of lesson plans devoted to digital literacy. The link goes specifically to a page on information literacy but there are also links to the scope and sequence and games & interactives-- my kids use Digital Passport, but I'm not sure this is exactly what you're looking for.

[One on one time with your kids]

I just want to respond to one thing that I didn't see mentioned yet.

 

Although it doesn't appeal to you, if your DH (who sounds like an amazing guy based upon this alone) is encouraging you to go out alone, and is volunteering to watch the kids, try it! Just once. You may hate it and never do it again. But if he is giving you that opportunity, just try a special Just You date where you do whatever you like to do, or once liked to do but no longer like to do because you are so devoted to your kids you don't even miss it, really. I mean, do something you don't even think is special, like go to the grocery store alone and listen to a podcast while shopping, or make a Target run alone.

 

I know you are just looking for ways to carve out more 1:1 time with the kids here, but if you can also find time to rediscover not just the mom you used to be, but the person you used to be before kids became your number one priority, you might just like it. Maybe. And even if you don't...the homecoming is so sweet, and your battery is recharged.