Reefgazer
-
Posts
6,861 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Events
Blogs
Classifieds
Store
Posts posted by Reefgazer
-
-
1 hour ago, TexasProud said:
Ok, so we currently have a 17 year old border collie that I expect to die in the next year or two. Not in great shape. We also have a 16 yo inside/outside cat ( goes outside during the day, sleeps in daughter's room at night). We are starting to travel A LOT for weeks at a time. So far one of our adult children has been here when we have been gone, but may not be feasible as much in the future, and we have some young people that can help when they cannot. But we have said for a long time no more pets ( These are the last 2 of the 2 cats and 4 dogs we have had since 2005...well momma dog started at 2000). We plan to be gone for a month August/Sept and another three weeks in October. (Of course depends on mom, as well...)
So a few days ago a cat showed up. Assuming it was dumped because it is so incredibly friendly. We could make it a barn cat ( We live on 50 acres and have 2 outside open sheds: one where we store tractor and other farm equipment, our firewood, etc. The other one that houses cows when we have them. We have had a few wild cats that live out there, but we never fed them and they ran as soon as they saw anyone.The shelters around here do not place feral cats. They put them to sleep. We can take it and have it "fixed" and then bring it back home. (They do that for free. Now sure if we would do that or take it to our vet if we chose to do that.) Honestly, we could put it in a carrier right now. It is sitting by our front door meowing right now. But then would we need to feed it? It is so skinny. Would it learn to hunt? Our other animals have timed feeders. I guess we could buy another one to put by the front door... But again, we are traveling so much... We really didn't want another animal. But my heart hurts for this really sweet cat. She looks to be 9months to a little over a year old... an adult, but a young one. So this could be around awhile.
Any advice?
I volunteer for a cat rescue. Identify a cat rescue near you and contact them to tell them she is friendly, you are willing to pay for a spay and rabies vax, and ask can they help find her a home. Please continue to feed her, though; she did not aske to be dumped.
-
2
-
-
On 5/25/2022 at 6:53 AM, mlktwins said:
Yes! My mom passed a long time ago and I’m responsible for my dad (87) with dementia. He now routinely calls his caregivers a “b” and gives them the finger. He does it when I am there so I know it is true. He has also become a dirty old man, which he also now also does in front of me 😩. He has punched my DH in the face one time. We no longer get close enough to allow that to happen again. He never would have done these things a few years ago. Dementia sucks!
Try to solve/accommodate this privately and within the family. Calling the cops for assistance when a dementia patient gets ornery in certain states will get the dementia patient a trip to jail for the night (I kid you not).
-
2
-
-
She can put a strap on it so it is cross-body. Totally washable, well-made, roomy, lots of pockets, and can put a zipper close on it instead of the snap ones I have.
-
1
-
-
On 5/19/2022 at 3:16 PM, Resilient said:
We've faced this in our family. It's not fun ... but I do have some thoughts about what we did right...and wrong.
-
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
-
Get ahead of the game. Start NOW to learn what your options are in case things get bad. For example, in our situation the family member was financially destitute (because in early dementia he made really really bad decisions...) So we had to find care facilities that took Medicaid. This was NOT easy to find...but at least we knew ahead of time what the options were.
-
If there are already signs of dementia, get eyes on the finances now. See point 2. Seriously--he lost a fortune, lost his house, left his wife with zero$. "Getting eyes on" might involve getting Power of Attorney.
-
Get Medical POA.
-
Get the diagnosis. Baseline info helps.
-
You can do a lot of this in the background. In our situation, his wife was sure she could take of him and was hearing none of it about nursing care...until she realized she herself was losing her health and sanity in taking care of him. Then SHE said, "I can't take this anymore" and my husband swooped in with all the info, all prepared because he had done all of the work in the background. He waited for HER to be ready to let go, though, and didn't push her around.
Incidentally, HER health improved once she didn't have to take care of her husband...staying awake all night to make sure he didn't wander, and so many other things. They visited, and looked at picture books from the past, and he was always happy to be with her, and she with him, but not 24/7/367 in a caregiver/receiver role.
Yes! All of this!
-
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
-
On 5/19/2022 at 10:13 AM, Michelle in IL2 said:
Yes, the aggressive thing worries me. He threatened her once during chemo. Very concerning. But nothing else has happened since.
My mom struggles sometimes with getting frustrated with him because he just was a jerk sometimes at his best (not all the time). So is he just being a jerk or does he actually need some compassion because he is struggling. It's hard for her.
So sorry you are going through this as well. It's got to be hard being so far away. Hugs and prayers.
One of the signs of dementia is personality changes and this was what my mom had to deal with. My dad was a mild-mannered guy who normally wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful, but once dementia set in he would call my mom a bitch and fling the F word around, which would upset my mom to no end.
-
1
-
-
On 5/18/2022 at 2:55 PM, prairiewindmomma said:
A first step is to reach out to his primary care doctor. You also need to have a pow wow with all of his kids and your mom to talk about what is going on with him.
A lot will depend on finances and care. Your mom might want some respite care---larger towns often have adult daytime drop in daycare. She could drop him off "to have coffee with friends" while she goes and runs errands, takes a break, etc. Your mom might also want someone to come to the house and help with some of his care (bathing, grooming, light housekeeping etc.).
To qualify for a nursing home or dementia care unit placement, he will have to be evaluated to see what his levels of need are.
When you are touring facilities, https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/ this can be a starting comparison tool, but you also want to ask a lot of questions about access to PT and OT and feeding specialists within the facility, staffing ratios, covid vaccination and masking requirements, turnover rate, activities offered, state inspections, and direct care times. My best advice is to time the tours for about 10 am and see how many people are still in their rooms in pajamas and how many are out doing activities. Also, use your nose, eat a meal there if you can, and see how well the staff treat the other staff.
Some states have "agencies on aging" or "elder care" or other non-profit county sponsored agencies that can help guide the process and let you know what is out there.
Good advice here!
-
On 5/18/2022 at 2:12 PM, Michelle in IL2 said:
Hello! I was hoping others who have already been down this road with aging parents/loved ones might be able to offer us some direction.
My mom is a very independent, with-it, 79 year old. Gets around well, drives, no major health issues, plays Words with Friends and kicks my butt almost every time. Her hubby (same-ish age) has been showing signs of dementia for 1 to 2 years, maybe longer. He doesn't seem to remember his family members when they visit. He has a hard time remembering things. Through his recent cancer bout, Mom had to remind him every day why they were going to his chemo treatments. He has recently had 2 procedures requiring anesthesia in which he started acting super weird and wired, not sleeping and into everything like a toddler. Luckily, he came out of it after 2 days. But it just provided us a window into where he might be headed. My mom was VERY stressed, upset, crying, and I worry about how much longer she will be able to handle him.
I think she is mostly ok with him right now (when he doesn't have the anesthesia reaction going on), but I'm guessing it will be right around the corner when she won't be able to handle it. He doesn't officially have a dementia diagnosis. He is still able to take care of his toileting needs for the most part. He is able to dress himself, although she lays out his clothes. She has to make sure he takes his meds, as in she stands over him and watches him to make sure.
How do we start a process of getting her some help when the time is right? Is it important to get an actual dementia diagnosis? What help would be available to her? Is he most likely headed for a nursing home of some sort? I live about 30 min away and can provide her with some support. My brother and sis-in-law live close and help her out with things when needed. Mom rarely asks. His own kids don't seem to want to come around much. There is a memory care facility that just opened up in their area. Maybe, we need to check in with them and see if they have any counselors or support available? They live in Illinois is that is relevant.
Thank you so much for any advice you can give on where to start. I'm at a loss.
There is way more to consider than I could possibly post here, but I'll hit some main points for you to consider. My dad died at 91 with dementia; my mom was (and still is) with it and mentally capable, but she is 92 and physically frail and couldn't physically care for him near the end. With that background:
1. It can be hard to know which direction the dementia will take, because all dementias don't play out the same way. When we think of dementia, we automatically think of memory and cognitive loss. That was certainly the case with my dad to some degree, but it was the physical failure that overtook him and killed him, long before he was mentally gone. He had some cognitive impairment in personality, judgement, and attention span, but otherwise was fairly coherent and could have a decent conversation. But his legs failed, his ability to swallow failed, and his appetite failed. Be prepared for a different approach to care in each of these situations.
2. If the person lives long enough, it is very hard to survive without nursing home care; I've seen people do it, but for most it is not a realistic possibility. If you put your loved one in a nursing home for any reason, you must make sure you, a sibling, a spouse, a parent, a family representative of some type is there every, single day and paying close attention to what the staff is doing and how they are caring for your patient. In my personal experience with my dad and in my sister's general experience (she works in a nursing home as a front desk receptionist), the patient who has family around constantly, asking questions, closely participating and monitoring care gets the attention of the staff. At least one of us was there every day, and in addition, we hired an aide to sit with my dad when there were long stretches during the day when one of us couldn't be there. The aide's job was to wait on my dad and make sure he had care and company, and to make sure he was taken care of medically. My sister works in a nursing home with a great public rating and reputation, and she said that so many CNAs quit when the vax mandate came down that they are horribly understaffed. Patients have called the front desk begging to have their diaper changed, and have called the cops to get the CNAs to answer their call buttons. She said the CNAs close the door to the rooms of patients who ask for things when they don't want to listen to them cry or yell. I have no doubt this goes on everywhere.
3. If the family cannot pay for care, Medicaid will pick up the cost, but there will be some spend-down of assets necessary. This varies by state as to how much assets the surviving, non-ill spouse can keep, so check your state law. Generally, it includes a house, car, and some financial assets. My dad only lived for 4 days after being admitted to a nursing home and we chose to avoid that paperwork and pay cash for that partial week of care, so I don't know the entire process. Our local Office for the Aging helped advise us, and I recommend hooking up with them fast because they can give you advice quickly and usually have an elder-care attorney on staff.
4. The patient's doctor (or hospital if admitted to a nursing home from the hospital) refers the patient to a nursing home. Hospitals have a social worker on staff to answer your questions and facilitate the transfer into a nursing home. You might not (probably will not) have much choice of nursing homes because beds are scarce, but insist on a home close to you because, see point #2.
5. Get your legal paperwork in order before your mom's spouse declines any further. It will make things much easier if someone has power of attorney for him and medical decision-making powers set up in advance. Make sure your mom is co-owner on all assets (TOD) because when he passes this will make things much easier for her. In addition, make sure someone has power of attorney and medical decision-making power for your mom. That way, someone can help her when she is exhausted or overwhelmed. The Office for the Aging can help set you up with an elder-care attorney to do this, at low or no cost.
6. If possible, keep your patient at home as long as you can, and bring in a home health aide for respite care, if possible. If your mom's spouse is still physically capable of living at home, then a respite care person 1-2x/day might be enough. If your mom's spouse has trouble sleeping at night, a respite care person to sit may only need to be tasked with tending to the person at night so your mom can sleep. That respite care person can be a family member or paid aide, but later on in more advanced dementia, your mom will need someone more often. If your mom's spouse is more physically declining than mentally, life is tougher for her because he will fall, choke on food, become incontinent, etc... This type might need a nursing home sooner because their needs are not as predictable (i.e., you don't know when they are going to fall and then curse out their spouse for trying to help them up because personality changes are part of the disease process). You can get an aide through a professional organization, but will pay much more for it. We had aides we found through word-of-mouth and did not find them through a professional organization. The aides we had were known to us (family friends in the nursing field or recommended by family friends) and we were very happy with what they provided.
7. Even though his own kids don't seem that interested, ask for their help, physically and financially. Some people don't take action until the crisis is upon them and that may be the case here. Bring them up to speed and ask for firm commitments to his care and well-being. Get your and your mom's financial ducks in order first, and someone needs to obtain power of attorney before you ask them for anything. This is not to say you are being dishonest, or trying to hide things from them, or trying to rip them off, but you don't need otherwise-absent family members complicating your attempts to care for him. I had power of attorney for my dad and mom, and I sent brief financial summaries each month to my siblings to keep them in the financial loop and to be transparent about where money was going. Still, set it up first and notify them later. Sounds obnoxious, but it makes providing care and setting up a plan a lot easier if there are not too many cooks in the kitchen.
Hope this helps you some. #2 and #5 Are super-critical, IMO.
-
1
-
3
-
-
No, I wouldn't. I'd just assume this kid was curious and fascinated.
-
1
-
-
History Odessey is top-notch n this category, I think.
-
Quality knives.
A set of leftover containers and lids in various sizes.
Quality wooden spoons.
Hand mixer.
-
On 4/17/2022 at 11:02 AM, mellifera33 said:
I'm planning for my rising 9th grader, and was surprised by the order of topics in Miller-Levine. Unit one was what I expected: scientific method, basic chemistry, etc., but then unit 2 jumps to ecology? Now I'm old and haven't taken an intro to bio class in 25 or so years, but I had thought we'd do a general order of basic chemistry for life science, cells, genetics, evolution, basic organismal bio, and ecology at the end. I haven't looked at a lot of lesson plans or current high school biology textbooks, but now I'm wondering if starting with ecology is an idiosyncrasy of the Miller-Levine book, or if it's a more general trend of how biology is taught now. I hadn't planned on using the teacher's guide, but now I'm curious if it explains the choice of topic sequence.
If you used Miller-Levine, did you follow the sequence in the book, or the traditional sequence? Is there a pedagogical reason for ecology before cell biology?
I used Miller-Levine a few years ago with DD; we did the traditional sequence, with Ecology at the end. Makes no sense to do Ecology at the beginning, when you have no concept of animal or plant biology. I also skipped all of the human anatomy at the last part of the book. IMO that is Human A+P and does not belong in a General Biology text.
-
1
-
-
Make it substantially cheaper to re-use something. For example, refills of coffee in a re-usable cup should be cheaper, bottled water should cost a pretty penny over water in a glass at a restaurant, and a grocery credit for re-usable bags at the supermarket.
-
6
-
-
My son felt Algebra II was instrumental to understanding precalculus.
-
1
-
-
Does anyone know of any resources for teaching Polish? I prefer print, but can work with electronic resources, as well. Ideally, the resources would have tests, worksheets, etc... I know of Duolingo, but I am looking for something that teaches the grammar and sentence structure, similar to Memoria Press' Latin or a traditional French textbook, etc...
-
I'm so sorry.
-
What is the best way to clean a painting that is heavily layered with grime that has built up over the years? The painting is oil on canvas, has no tears or rips, and is about 30 years old. It is in a wooden frame. I was getting quotes in the hundreds of dollars to do this, so I have to figure out how to do it myself because I can't afford that/
-
On 1/21/2022 at 6:36 AM, sweet2ndchance said:
This isn’t necessarily a JAWM but this is a very hard and raw situation for me so please be gentle.
Due to a variety of circumstances, my adult dd(20) and I have been estranged for a number of years. I was finally able to contact her a couple of years ago and let her know that I wanted to talk to her. She was understandably upset with me but I told her I wanted to work through things and have a relationship with her. After her initial blow up at me, she didn’t respond to me for several months.
Then she messaged me out of the blue. Her father (my narcissistic ex-husband) and stepmother had kicked her out of their house for making fun of them with her boyfriend on her phone. (Or that’s the story she told me anyways, I have no way to know otherwise) So she had moved in with the boyfriend and his parents were charging her rent to stay in their house. I told her she was always welcome to come to my house if she ever needed somewhere to go but she told me she was happy where she was even if she had to work two jobs to make ends meet. (She was also having to pay her father for the brand new car he bought on his credit for her with the agreement that she was to make the payments).
We talked on and off. She said that she and her boyfriend wanted to come visit us(me, her stepdad and her half brother). I told her anytime, they were both welcome, and we would help with gas money or bus fare if needed (we live 8 hours away from each other). She said they would just need to figure out when they could get time off work. Sadly, it never happened.
Slowly, she stopped messaging me. Then stopped responding to my messages. I figured she was just a busy young adult with a lot on her plate. I went to send her a message on her birthday and the message would not go through. I tried several different ways and none would go through. The error message I was getting made it seem like she had blocked me. I was devastated. I was hurt. I had no idea what happened because nothing in our most recent messages to each other indicated that she was mad or upset with me.
A couple of months later, I had the thought, “What if she changed her name?” So I tried looking up her first name and boyfriend’s last name and sure enough I found her. Pictures of her wedding all over the page. I took a chance and messaged her under her new name. I told her I was sorry I missed her birthday and her wedding but that I would love to hear from her again and told her I loved her and missed her. The message I got back from her was pure vitriol. How I was a horrible mother and her step mother was far superior. She didn’t tell me about the wedding because she didn’t want me to show up uninvited “like I had been there for her all her life”. How I lied to her about everything, that I was angry that she found out I had lied, and she didn’t need me in her life. Many things she said were almost word for word things her father had said to me during the divorce. I recognized this and knew she was under his thumb again.
I calmly told her that there were some misunderstandings here and I wanted to talk them out with her. I told her I didn’t know what made her think I was angry with her because I have not been. At all. Let’s talk about this, can you tell me more about what you think I lied about? I ignored all the hate and vile she spewed at me because I recognized it as being parroted from her father and only focused on “what can we do to make this right?”
She responded with “I don’t want to argue with you. I don’t want to make things right. I don’t want a relationship with you. I want to live my happily ever after without you and you go live yours without me.” So, I sadly respected her wishes and did not contact her again after that.
That last exchange we had was in November. Fast forward to today, I get a message from her. All it says is, “I want my stuff. Can you mail it to me?”
I still have some of her childhood things from when she lived with me. They are in a hope chest in my bedroom.
My knee jerk reaction was “You want to treat me like you did in November and now you want a favor from me? Sorry, sweetie, but you want to be an adult and be treated like an adult then you have to live with the consequences of burning your bridges like an adult.” Fortunately, I’ve learned not to respond immediately. I haven’t responded to her at all yet.
Honestly, even if we had not had the exchange we had in November, I can’t afford to mail her all the stuff. It’s several, decently heavy, moving boxes full. It would cost a fortune no matter how I sent it. But, if she’s still under her father’s influence, that is going to result in a tantrum. He did pretty much the exact same thing during our divorce, demanded his stuff be brought to him and then tantrumed when I told him that I would meet him half way.
I don’t want to hold her stuff hostage but I don’t want her to think the way she treated me was ok either, ya know? Plus financially I can’t do exactly as she requested. I might be willing to meet her somewhere and give her the stuff but honestly right now, the way things are, I don’t feel safe being around her until she is ready to talk rationally. With a therapist in the room if at all possible.
I promised myself, and my kids, that I wouldn’t let anyone treat me the way their father treated me again. And I have kept that promise, I don’t let anyone mistreat me and then expect me to do things for them anymore. But this situation is giving me pause… I’m unsure how to proceed in a manner that enforces the boundary I’ve set of not letting people mistreat me and doing what is fair and right. I do know that no matter what I say or do, even if I find a way to mail the things to her, she will still be mad at me. But I do want her to know that when she is not spewing her father’s toxicity, she is always welcome here and we can always work things out if she is willing.
My husband (her stepdad) thinks I should just respond to her with “I don’t want to argue with you.” and leave it at that because she didn’t even have the courtesy to say something like “I’m sorry about how things ended last time but could you mail me my stuff please?” She just basically demanded I do this for her without acknowledging that she crossed a line last time we talked. I can’t say I don’t agree with him but I don’t know if it’s the approach I want to take.
So, how would you approach this? Please remember to be gentle.
You can't force a relationship. Although I am only hearing your side of the story, it seems your DD has some serious problems that need the help of a professional; this you will not be able to fix.
Tell your DD you cannot afford to send the boxes, but she is free to come pick them up at a mutually agreeable time (when your husband is home or a trusted friend is with you). Hang up the phone if she screams or verbally abuses you in any way. And then drop it. If she wants the boxes badly enough, she'' come get them.
-
8 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:
Our county just asked the National Guard to come help staff the nursing homes.
Are you in NY. by any chance? I thought Gov. Hochul was supposed to send Guardsmen to nursing homes to alleviate the shortage, but the one my sister works in upstate has not seen any assistance yet.
-
1
-
-
14 hours ago, historically accurate said:
My teen has applied to 15 places - all with signs saying help wanted. She did not get any callbacks. She was finally interviewed by the library I work at because I gave my boss a heads up. I don't think the new internet only applications are actually getting to the hiring managers.
My son applied for his first job that had a "Help Wanted" ad and got hired in 3 days. But he went in to the store and personally asked if they were hiring before he filled out the application. I was in a PetSmart with a "Now Hiring" sign in the window and I asked if they were hiring and they said "not right now, we're full, but we'll take your application". I think going into the specific store and asking is important to weed out wasting time with resume-collectors.
-
6
-
-
23 hours ago, ***** said:
Society seems to have deemed the caring of the elderly as insignificant as well. So many assisted living places have unskilled /undereducated workers that in my opinion can be detrimental to the caring and safety of our elderly. II can't even imagine what is going on in assisted living places anymore, although I am sure there are still some that are better than others. When my parents were alive, they lived in assisted living, so I have a good idea what goes on there.
My sister works in an upstate NY nursing home and the lack of staff there is borderline neglectful (and this is considered a decent nursing home, reputation-wise). She said the staff shortages sky-rocketed to a critical state when the covid vaccine was required and they had a lot of CNAs and RNs just up and quit.
-
1
-
1
-
-
Most of the colleges my daughter looked at specifically required a credit in American history and a credit in world history for their social studies sequence.
-
1
-
-
On 11/21/2021 at 8:01 AM, cintinative said:
I was planning on putting together the labs myself also and not purchasing a kit--I have quite a lot of glassware and other things purchased over the years for various other endeavors.
I do own the lab book, and I have not looked at it yet. I will take a look.
Can you clarify what you mean by "publisher's review worksheets"? I have the "study guide" which is essentially chapter summaries with review problems. Is that what you mean? If not, would you by chance still have the ISBNs for what you had, including the teacher's guides? I have the TE text but not for anything else. (edited: I don't have TE for labs)
All my chemistry stuff is packed away in the attic until I teach chemistry again, but I will say the review worksheet and teacher versions of such are a bit hard to find. I found them by regularly searching Amazon until a copy of each shoed up. This is the link for the review worksheets, which are currently on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/World-Chemistry-Teacher-Resources-Worksheets/dp/0618190643/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=zumdahl+chemistry+review+worksheets&qid=1638683769&sr=8-2
-
1
-
-
Well, regarding Thanksgiving, if you find the traditions offensive, just give thanks and call it done. It doesn't need a narrative at all, really.
-
On 11/17/2021 at 4:25 PM, Forget-Me-Not said:
We shelled out the money for a Tempurpedic 14-15 yrs ago and it’s been fabulous. I thought I’d miss the bounce of a regular mattress/box spring set up, but I don’t. We haven’t had any issues with sagging or indentations with ours all this time. We miss our bed when we go on vacation.
Same here. I'll never go back to a regular mattress; that Temperpedic has been a godsend.
Using dual enrollment credits for either high school or college
in The College Board
Posted
One college my son is looking at told me that his dual enrollment credits can be used for high school or for college, but not both. There are a few extra math and foreign language credits that he has that we plan to use for college credit (but not high school credit since he has plenty of math and foreign language for high school). So my question is how do I construct his transcript for this college? Do I just send them the same transcript with all of his high school courses that I send to every other school? Or do I construct a special transcript for the school with only the high school credits that he plans to use for admission when he applies ?