[Does your family do sleepovers?]

I voted "Sure," but I agree with other posters that, while we do sleepovers, we don't have them because we feel they're an important childhood experience. We just have them for fun. I certainly don't believe that kids who don't do sleepovers are missing out.

[Sleepovers - how do you do it?]

I am open to last-minute sleepovers. We had one last night, as a matter of fact. Sometimes we end up with four or five extra boys overnight. We are definitely a spontaneous more-the-merrier family when it comes to the boys' friends, and have been for years. (It's way easier now that they are teens!)

 

That said, rule number one of sleepovers, spontaneous or not, is courtesy to everyone. I think you were perfectly reasonable. If either mom says no, it means no, even if the reason is that you just plain don't feel like it. Sleepovers are work, especially with kids who aren't familiar with house rules and routines.

 

If we didn't do last-minute sleepovers, I would still expect the kids to not beg. I wonder if having another adult encouraging you to change your mind made them think it was ok to continue.

 

When I do say no to a get-together, I try to make at least a tentative plan for another time. I think this helps because the kids know that even if it won't happen now, they will get to spend that time/activity with the friend(s).

[Which game to order?]

Concept

[Where is the oddest place you found your lost phone.]

Refrigerator. On top of the sour cream. ???? I'd been clearing the table, but still....????

 

Do you have a Find My Phone app or similar? In case St. Anthony is busy.... ;)

 

 

[WWYD - parenting advice on dd10's art]

These are unrealistic expectations for a ten-year-old child.

 

And "giving her an opportunity" to compare the two pieces, so she'll see the mistakes and pick up on the fact that the second one isn't good enough (without you actually having to say that), IS within the range of what a 10yo can do. In other words, she'll get it.

 

This isn't how to raise a child with a special talent. Not if you want her to be joyful and confident about her work, and not if you want the absolute privilege of being her #1 fan for a lifetime.

 

This. A million times this.

 

It's really about how to give space to be creative and allow her to develop her own intrinsic self-editing skills without internalizing yours.

 

The point isn't whether the artwork was rushed or sloppy. It isn't whether it was her best work--that's your estimation, but it may be that given the time and circumstance, that's the best effort and attention she could give to a piece she'd already painted in a different time and place.

 

She tried something new: Recreating a piece she'd already made, and she's learned some of her own lessons about her technique and re-creating and what speaks to her as an artist. Hanging the painting honors those lessons, even if it didn't come out the way either of you pictured initially.

 

I am so glad you're carving out time and space for her to focus on her art. What a gift to a growing artist. :)

[WWYD - parenting advice on dd10's art]

I agree with Anne. Relationship first. Creating art is such a personal experience. My now-grown artist dd would have been crushed if I'd suggested her art needed improvement because it was as though she'd put a little piece of herself on the canvas. Especially at 10-12ish, when she was really exploring who she was as an artist and a person. It was really important to me to honor where she was developmentally.

 

I still have a couple of her pieces hanging in our home. I treasure them.

[What are your kids doing this summer?]

DS16: Advanced vocal recording workshop for two weeks, some kind of volunteer work at the Y or the recycling center

 

DS14: Summer ballet classes and his studio ballet intensive.

 

DS12: Beginning vocal recording workshop, maybe a sleepover camp if we can squeeze it in.

 

We're all going on a Disneyland/California vacation at the beginning of the summer, and taking a trip to Seattle to visit dd, and we want to get in a backpacking trip and some camping trips, so that's all we've planned. :)

 

[I suck at step mom]

Hugs. BTDT, including talking too much sometimes.

 

It really hurts and really stinks when we see them hurting and can't do anything about it. I remember feeling helpless and sad and angry on my dsd's behalf. Hang in there. This kind of relationship building lets him know you're always in his corner and he is deeply loved.

[Maxi skirts and dresses]

I've seen them in couple stores.

 

I have two tank maxi dresses that I will likely wear all spring and summer because they are so comfortable and easy.

 

But I am not super fashionable, so there's that. :D

[An update of sorts]

Praying for peace and healing for all of you.

[Divorced/separated couples living together....any stories?]

My husband and I are in the process of doing something similar right now, for financial reasons and to keep the kids' lives and homeschooling stable.

 

We are both in counseling, as a couple and individually, and see a counselor who has helped couples navigate this kind of transition. FWIW, the counselor says it's more common than most people realize because many couples do not share it outside their circle of closest friends.

 

We are currently in the process of figuring out an agreement about relationship/emotional boundaries (continued counseling, sharing household responsibilities, discussing the possibility of future dating before it becomes a pressing issue, communication, mutual respect) and plan to come to a general agreement about finances, custody, and other legal issues, both now and if we decide to divorce, before visiting an attorney to draw up a postnuptial agreement.

 

One of the most important pieces for me is that we've agreed to a scheduled formal check-in periodically, with a promise of rigorous honesty, so that we can decide individually and as a team whether the situation is working. It really will have to work for everyone if it's going to create the kind of environment we want to maintain for our children.

[S/O Parents not wanting to pay]

I haven't read the whole thread.

 

But one thing you might consider is joining the board for your choir, or getting to know the board members and doing some brainstorming about helping families afford choir.

 

Our children's choir board, a few years ago, reorganized and made whole-choir fundraising a priority so that we could offer more scholarships and help drop the costs of things like uniforms and trips. For example, a scholarship fund and application procedure was established for families who fall just above the qualifying line for financial assistance but still find it challenging to pay the entire tuition amount. Very few people apply, and those that do are quite modest in their tuition requests, so the fund has always had plenty of $ available.

 

Also, the choir stopped charging for concert tickets and set up a concessions and donations table instead, and ended up making as much or more than the ticket proceeds, especially when the cost of printing tickets and order forms (and the time cost of finding volunteers to oversee ticket sales and make sure all of the money was turned in and....) was taken into account.

 

Individual choirs help fundraise for their trips. My son's choir is traveling to New York, and they are fundraising up a storm. Some of the choristers are great musicians and have done small performances at local restaurants. The choir puts all of the money they raise when they perform in the community into the trip fund. The cost of the trip for each individual has already dropped significantly, thanks to the efforts of the amazing volunteers who are busting their buns to raise enough money that each chorister can participate without straining family finances.

 

My other sons' choir is putting together a simple event to fundraise for a trip to Disneyland--they will sing at a local pizza place. The pizza place is donating a portion of the proceeds from those who mention the choir, and a fabulous parent has asked businesses for donations for raffle baskets to be raffled at the end of the event. Because the baskets are 100% donated items, each chorister gets to put 100% of the $ for tickets they sell toward their individual trip account. And we don't have to get out to sell popcorn or wrapping paper or candles for a percentage of the $ we collect....

 

I am SO grateful for the parents and the board who have time to put into thoughtful fundraising because it means that many families can participate that might not otherwise. :)

[New packed lunch ideas]

Sometimes a new condiment can make the same things taste "new" and less boring. I'm thinking of things like tomato jam, pepper jelly, hummus with additions like red peppers and garlic, whatever you can find locally.

[Building a resume: Resume service? DIY? What worked for you?]

Thank you! :)

[Building a resume: Resume service? DIY? What worked for you?]

Thanks. That's very kind. :)

 

It might have a bit too much identifying information.

 

Bumping.....

[Building a resume: Resume service? DIY? What worked for you?]

I have an old very basic resume. I had basically been hired by the place I work part-time right now, and needed one for the HR file, so it's pretty slapped together. I'm trying to figure out the quickest, most efficient, and most cost-effective way to get a good resume together.

 

Local resume services will do the whole shebang, including a cover letter, and I could sit down with a person who is familiar with the job market in the area and especially with the particular institutions and positions I'd like to apply for. But the price tag made me :svengo:  But it might be worth it if I get the job I really want. Plus...the cover letter. It's been years since I actually wrote one, but I remember that being the very. worst. part. :ack2:

 

Has anyone here had good luck with an online service? They seem to be much lower, cost-wise. But I am concerned about quality.

 

Or any good sites that will hold my hand and walk me through building a good solid-looking resume that won't get chucked in the "No" pile?

 

I am SO anxious about this, much more than it really warrants. It signals a big change in our lives, and I need to get over this hump so I can get things moving.

 

Thanks!

[How did your kids learn to play an instrument?]

Did you teach them yourself?

 

Online lessons?

What did you use for this if you went this route?

 

In person lessons?

 

Group or private?

 

Did you use the public schools for this?

 

What worked or didn't work for you?

 

If you went for group or private lessons how much where those? What is a good rate to seek for that?

Piano.

Private, in person lessons.

Rates are so area- and experience-dependent, that you really need to ask around and shop around. Both of our piano teachers charged at the higher end for our area, but spent a lot of time educating themselves, are excellent musicians in their own right, and offer additional benefits to their lesson/teaching--one teacher does recording, for example.

 

What worked: Interviewing the teacher and/or observing a lesson before starting lessons. Making sure that the teacher's expectations and philosophy are a good match for student and family.

What didn't work: My son has been taking lessons for 12 years. We should have switched teachers 2-3 years before we actually switched. I didn't recognize that the teacher who was excellent with him as a youngster and who was great with *some* of her other teens was no longer a good fit for my ds. He has switched to a teacher who treats him like a peer and a musician rather than a student. He is now thriving and progressing again instead of frustrated and ready to quit.

[chiropractic care....questions]

Ask around for recommendations. While chiropractors often also encourage other non-traditional treatment approaches, the main focus should be on structural adjustments. The main focus should not be trying to sell you supplements, oils, or other alternative therapies, though they may make a recommendation or two. A chiro may not be able to correct a structural deformity, but might be able to alleviate some of the resulting pain and tension.

 

I found an amazing chiropractor. The treatment started with a structural evaluation, which was then used as the basis for my treatment. I also started therapeutic massage through the same office--the massage therapist and chiropractor work together to complement one another's treatment.

[If you wanted a makeover...]

Hair: Unless you already have a stylist you totally love, I would ask around for recommendations for a good mid- to high-priced salon. It's way more expensive than diy, but worth it to get a flattering new style/color. About three years ago, I took a leap of faith and just put myself into a stylist's hands. When I went in, I told the gal that I needed a cut and color, that the only requirement I had was that it couldn't be time-consuming to style, and that I needed a change that would be flattering for my hair and face shape but had no idea what to do. She gave me a cute cut that suits the hair that I actually have and which I've worn pretty much ever since, except that I have gone even shorter. I have since gone to three different less expensive stylists (as they've moved or switched careers) who've kept the same basic idea/cut, given me new color suggestions, and showed me a few different ways to style my hair easily. It has been so worth the initial investment.

[Separated but living together, and homeschooling]

Will the kids know what's going on, or are you trying to "hide" it from them by maintaining the status quo?

 

Honesty is pretty important to me. They know things are difficult right now and that we're trying to figure things out and make things better.

 

Once we get things sorted and figure out how this might work, we plan to sit down with the kids and discuss it with them as a family, sharing what is appropriate and how it will impact our family life.

[Separated but living together, and homeschooling]

In addition to the above, consider having a lawyer walk you through the equivalent of a "prenuptial agreement" about how things, money and custody will/would be divided if you divorce. Having a clear, legally binding 'what does that look like' agreement will give you both a sense of stability and investment in the desire to either not divorce, or (whenever, maybe) you think about divorce as another option in comparison with your current plan.

 

I was wondering about this kind of agreement specifically, and if it is a "thing." It seems like such a sensible thing to do, and would protect everyone involved.

[Separated but living together, and homeschooling]

Thank you all. It is reassuring to see that I am thinking along the right lines. Much of what has been mentioned is already in place or we are trying to negotiate the boundaries.

 

I especially appreciate the advice about how to navigate the boundary issues. Everyone is safe. Dh is a good and patient father. Daily life--who will do what and pick up whom and do the grocery shopping and etc.--has always worked well. Clear boundaries are now in place. We're currently trying to navigate how to keep from stepping on toes, and what family life might look like IF we go ahead with this.

 

I responded more about specific issues, but decided to keep things more general. I will say that I am SO grateful and as I said above, it is reassuring to see I am on the right track, I think, especially with the "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" advice.

 

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond with your thoughts. Thank you.

 

 

[Separated but living together, and homeschooling]

I need some help thinking this through.

 

My husband and I have decided to try to live in the same home and to continue our family life, but our relationship as a couple is over. We've made this decision (on a trial basis) because staying legally married and sharing our home allows me to continue working part time, allowing our teens to continue homeschooling, and it gives them their accustomed frequent access to both parents. And it makes sense financially right now so that we aren't having to maintain two separate households. We're envisioning something very similar to what we've always done--family dinners, continuing the same household tasks, even going ahead with the family vacation we'd planned this summer--but with separate sleeping/living spaces.

 

There are so many people on this board with such a variety of experiences, that I'm hoping for some thoughtful advice, and maybe you can help me sort through this or point out issues or ideas or ask questions I haven't thought of.

 

Both of us are in counseling right now. (Non-negotiable.)

 

I am concerned that I am taking a risk by not putting the kids in school and getting a full-time job, just in case things go south.

 

I'm trying to figure out how to do this and still protect my kids and myself financially and emotionally. And dh too, actually.

 

And please, this isn't a JAWM post, but things are pretty raw, and I am weary. I'm open to all kinds of input, but please be kind, or at least polite, even if you think it's the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas.

 

(Edited to remove some details.)

[Children's theater--am I a monster?]

I get invited to a lot of plays and performances put on by children we know. My own DD does a lot of theater and we're always encouraged to invite everyone, hang signs, etc. I don't do that.

 

Does anyone actually want to watch a child, that is not related to them, perform?? I go to my own children's things because I love them and I'm proud of them and I have no choice. I don't go because the play will be great. Am I a monster??

My youngest does children's theater. I try to take him to some of the other performances put on by his theater group because his friends are in them. When he's in shows, friends of his (theater and non-theater friends) will come watch to support him. :)

 

ETA: You're fine not going. No monster-ness there. While we appreciate the friends who have time to come watch, we'd never want anyone to feel pressured or obligated. That takes the fun right out of it.

[What is in your ballycumber?]

Seven Gothic Tales, Isak Dinesen

 

Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain (started for a book group, got busy and sidetracked by the next selection)

 

Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain

 

Nine Parts of Desire: The Hidden World of Islamic Women (started to re-read, but got sidetracked by books I hadn't read yet :D )

 

I had the flu at the beginning of January and spent several days on the couch making my way through 2-3 more, so it's a shorter list than it used to be.

 

I don't have much of a tsundoku, I don't think. If I don't get around to reading something after a while I return it to the original owner or give it away.