msjones
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Posts posted by msjones
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I think the apostle Paul had it right -- happiness comes from being able to be content in any circumstances -- choices or no choices. I know people who can filter through all kinds of misery to find one little thing in which to rejoice. And I know people with vast freedom and opportunity who still feel unhappy.
So, in a quest for happiness, I think the need for choice/options/opportunity is less important than the need for a spirit of contentment.
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It might be on the easy side for a fifth grader, but don't miss Robin Hood! We read the version sold by Sonlight, and it was a huge hit with the whole family.
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I don't deserve any medals...but thanks for the sweet sentiment! I am just lucky to have had the priviledge of working behind the scenes in adoption before I adopted myself. It pretty much changes things forever. I've watched a girl sob her way through signing a relinquishment, then placed her child in the arms of a couple that has cried on my shoulder about their infertility. To see them then love on each other through their pain is an incredible experience...one that I wanted to repeat for my own children.
I'm sorry about your mom. Pragmatic or not, I'll bet she'd be horrified if she knew she'd hurt you. In any case, you are wise to see her for who she is and respect her for that. She adopted in an era much different than mine when adoption just wasn't talked about, and you can't change that reality. It's also true the fact that you can't change the fact that regardless of what she was taught about adoption, she is probably crazy in love with you whether she communicates it well or not. Despite a lack of communication, please remember that your feelings are valid and real. If you can't discuss them with her, find someone you CAN discuss them with and go for it!
:grouphug:
You sound just like my husband! He thinks (and he's right) that my mom just can't say what she means and so I need to keep that in mind when hearing what she says. I really love my mom, and she'll never be the gal who'll sit and have a heart-to-heart about anything like adoption issues. But, she'll do any number of practical things for me to demonstrate her love.
This stuff has been on my mind a lot the last couple of days (I've not given it this much thought in all of my adult life!), and it's been good to read all the other perspectives. I especially liked hearing from adoptive moms -- it helps to try to see things from my mom's perspective. So, thank you to all who shared.
My poor mom is just not emotionally healthy at ALL. So, I know I need to love her as she is and not expect her to 'learn new tricks.' That would be a path to disappointment and bitterness for me. I think that's where I've been heading as I let myself focus on her hurtful remarks. I'm sure there's a balance somewhere...I don't want to just let her verbally smack me around, but I also don't want to lay down and roll around in the pain of her remarks.
I'm trying to think about how I'll want to be treated by my kids when I'm her age.
I could go on all day, but I need to start school. Thanks to all who shared...I'm still new-ish to the message board world and feel strangely encouraged by you all. ;)
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As the mom of two adoptive daughters and four biological sons, I have to say that I am glad our adoptions were closed. If they had grown up having contact with another family, I feel it would have given them the idea that they weren't as much a part of OUR family as our boys. They know they are adopted and we talk about it openly (they are a different race, so it is obvious anyway).
If and when they decide (at least 18 years old) that they want to find their birth mothers, I will gladly help them do that. As children, I think that would be too much to handle.
We adopted domestically, but through an adoption attorney instead of an agency to avoid open adoption.
I'm sorry your adoptive mom hurt you with her comments. I try to be aware of what I say to them about their being adopted and never make a difference between them and our biological children.
:grouphug: to you.
I'm sure my mom would have struggled if my adoption had been open. My brothers (different bio moms) were adopted, too, so that would have been a lot to manage. Actually, I don't think she would have adopted in the first place if a closed adoption hadn't been an option. I know she (like you) had tried not to emphasize any differences, but I think the differences were so emphasized by the birth of my sister's twins, that she 'blew it.'
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Our oldest is our bio-child, and our other three are all adopted through open adoptions. I don't have the perspective that you're looking for, since I'm not adopted myself, but I just wanted to send you a great big :grouphug:!! I'm really sorry that your Mom is making such insensitive comments. I can see how this would really shake your world. I also want you to know that even bio-kids can be recipients of equally insensitive comments.... like the several times my mom has emphasized the fact that my dad was "very unhappy when he learned my mom was pregnant with me because they hadn't planned on having anymore children". What possible good could come from a statement like that? Same with your mom's comment....what possible good could come from it?
I guess that's all I have to say....just :grouphug: to you.
Be strong in who you are. God created you and loves you.....(and I don't know your religious persuasion, so I hope that doesn't offend you).
Jackie
Thanks for your kind words. Particularly helpful is your reminder that you needn't be adopted to hear these kinds of remarks from a parent. It helped me remember that my mom has been known to toss out thoughtless, extreme remarks. Her words are less painful when I remember that. Also, I'm trying to remember that we all have weaknesses; when I'm 73, I hope my adult children will be patient with my many shortcomings.
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Sorry so long to respond...had kiddos who needed teaching! ;)
We've had three out of the four of our kiddos involved in open adoption since day one. The fourth is in an unfortunate situation where the birth mother knows who and where we are, but will not respond even to direct pleas from our daughter. We're hoping that will change someday, as it hurts her deeply. Thankfully, we do have a glimmer of hope on that front, and the birth family of our boys has embraced her as their own to fill some of the void.
In any case, we are extremely comfortable with open adoption in part because I used to direct an adoption agency. There, I was able to get to know all members of the adoption "triad" and see where they were coming from. We decided that for us, secrecy made no sense. I'd personally seen how much most birth parents loved and wanted the best for their children even at great cost to themselves...why keep them away, esp. when it helps the child? I'd seen many adoptive children suffer through not knowing their roots, wondering if they'd been loved by their birth families or feeling disconnected from reality when secrets were kept. I'd also seen many adoptive parents feel more entitled to be the parents of their adoptive children when they'd met the birth parents and been a part of the relinquishment process, and seen deep friendships develop as a result. We insisted on open adoptions for our family...thankfully, we can still have hopes for the final one to work out!
Anyway, as far as our children go, it's been a wonderful experience for them. We've been honest about who they are and where they came from since the beginning and answer all questions asked as best we can (and if we can't, we can always call on the birth parent to do it!). Our birth parents come and spend the weekend at our house, and we go to their home as well. We know extended family and exchange Christmas cards. The kids love it because they know that they are loved all around. They don't doubt that we are their parents...they know who changed those diapers, feeds them every day and is always there for them! Frankly, adoptive parents seem to be the only ones who get occasionally confused on this front, and in our case the birth parents are quick to straighten us out! I can recall many, many times when our birth mother reminded me that she was awfully glad she wasn't the one who had to tell those little darlings "no" and smack their bottoms! ;) I've never felt more "entitled" to be a parent than at those moments. She knew I was doing a better job than she could have, and she'd let me know all about it.
The fact that our children know and love their biological parents just says to them that their origins are okay...that there was no little dirty secret to their birth, just two sets of parents who loved and made sacrifices for them and continue to love them now. Essentially, we want it to become part of their "story," but to be a non-issue, IYKWIM. We openly discuss their bio siblings as kids who are their brothers and sisters, just in a different way because they don't grow up together. The birth mother (we adopted a sib group) and I have developed a love and respect for each other that has grown into a deep friendship. The two of us share a bond that no one else in the world can share. She's one of my best friends.
My hope is that all of this will allow my children to grow up secure in the knowledge that they are loved, that they are okay, that their adoption wasn't a random event but rather something planned out by God and by people who loved them enough to sacrifice deeply for them. I want them to know that they healed my heart when they came and that I am okay with how my family was made...in my heart rather than in my body. I want them to know that I think their "roots" are darn terrific folks and are welcome here anytime.
HTH.
Jennifer,
This sounds so completely different from my family in every way! You sound like you deserve the gold medal for emotional health and maturity. Maybe you should write a book about your experience.
My mom, bless her, is not 'into' emotional health. She is a pragmatic kind of gal who takes things for what they are and then gets back to work. It's not really fair for me to expect her to be any different... but I'm still hurt and confused by things she has said recently.
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Bolded for my emphasis. This is like a kick in the gut to any woman, who at the age of 17 found herself pregnant by an abusive partner, escaped the situation, and wanted the best for the unborn child. For *most* birthmothers, adoption is the hardest decision they will ever make, bar none. A decision that stays with her for the rest of her life, and the sense of loss that is felt at every stage of life is only lessened a tiny bit by hearing and seeing, through cards and notes, that the child she loved enough to sacrifice selfish desires on the altar of adoption, is growing into a happy, well-adjusted child, teen, adult.
I dare not write more, because anything further would be very personal and not very nice to you.
This is why I have always felt thankful to have been adopted; thankful to my biological mother for her unselfishness, and thankful to my adopted mom for her lifetime of love and care. It's also the reason I really haven't wanted to initiate contact with my biological mom -- she was a teenage mom (only 15) and I don't know what kind of pain I may cause by contacting her. A closed adoption was her only choice back then, but I imagine (hope?) it may have provided her some peace of mind -- an assurance that she can 'move on' with her life.
But then, I'm conflicted, too. I wonder if she would like to know how I 'turned out.' Maybe she'd like to hear that I appreciate what she had the courage to do.
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As an adoptive mom, I have to speak to this. There is no way that picking up a child from an agency is like picking up a puppy. I've done both. Perhaps this sentence was meant to be a joke, but it really hit a nerve with me.
My two adoptive sons have NO idea the struggle we went through to become parents. Years of fertility treatments. Stacks of paperwork. Time on our knees praying to know what God would have us do. Even if my sons know the story, they can't yet understand the pain involved.
I had months of 'labor' to become a parent. It was never easy.
One of my sons hates being adopted and has since he really figured it out at age four. He is an adult now and seems to have found some peace with it, but I'm the one he screamed he hated and I wasn't his mother during those lovely teen years. If I had known what HE needed, I'd have given it to him. And we did counseling and every thing we could think of to fill the broken parts of his heart....But just like birth parents, adoptive parents don't always know what that particular child needs. In his case, an open adoption might have helped. I really don't know. The boy seemed made of storm clouds.
My other son is just the opposite. He grew up saying how lucky he was to have one mom that couldn't take care of him and one who could. This boy is made of sunshine.
I've found this thread interesting and illuminating. I appreciate the opportunity to be open and forthright about my perspective.
This is how I HAD been feeling about my adopted-ness -- like your "sunshiney" son. Then my mom comes out with this "you're not official" stuff. Hmm... I have a lot of respect for my mom and don't expect her to be everything I need or want in a mother.
I'm realizing that I'll have to come back to this thread later today when I have more time. My feeling about this are so complicated and I need to start school with the boys. (My feelings about this never used to be complicated...I'd like that to be the case again...)
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I was adopted as well and my mom told me right away about it, so I always grew up knowing.
I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It's like they don't want to or can't raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc.
If the child wants to find it's birthmom later when they're of age, then fine, help them, but to have this open adoption balogney with birthdays and letters and once a year garbage is just that. I think it takes away from the child's real, adoptive family for bonding, and gives rights to a birth parent who gave the rights up. That's what adoption is. It also takes away the child's right to know. My brother never wanted to know and didn't care. I did and when I was of age, I talked to my birthmom. The child deserves that right to choose at an adult age. And that takes away any child's right.
I have similar thoughts...
It seems that whatever is done should be done in the interest of the child -- not the relinquishing parent. We are liscenced foster parents (no foster kids at this time, however) and I was shocked by the level of openness endorsed by DSHS. Foster parents are encouraged to tell EVERYTHING about why a child is not with a birth parent. I can say without hesitation, there are certain things I just wouldn't want/need to know as an adoptee. Some things are better left unsaid. (I wasn't a very popular gal in the foster parent training classes. ;))
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Sure, I'd be interested in the viewpoint of an adoptive parent. It seems to me that I would feel like an alien in my family if I had had all that contact with another parent. I really hadn't felt different at all until it started being discussed. So I don't know what a lifetime of discussion and visitation would have done to me. I'm open to hearing about any experiences.
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I hope I can phrase my question well -- I truly have no intention of criticizing anyone's parenting decisions related to adoption. But the other adult adoptee thread has started me thinking.
I was adopted as an infant in 1969. My parents were very open about my having been adopted, and I just accepted it. It didn't seem like anything negative or even worthy of much attention. I have given my adoption very little thought up until recently.
I've been thinking about it because my mom has begun making comments about it. Comments about how we aren't "officially" family. These comments started around the time my sister's babies were born. (My sister is my mom's only biological child -- she adopted 3 and then became pregnant.) These comments don't seem intended to hurt me, but come across more like simple observations.
So, here is my question. If you are an adult adoptee, what do you think about today's approach to adoption -- the letters and/or visits to the birthmom, the heritage celebrations, the 'coming home' parties?
Just the few comments from my mom about being adopted have me feeling like an outsider -- for the very first time in my life! Apparently, she does NOT feel the same way about her bio daughter and her adopted daughter (as I had previously been told). I'm very much wishing my mom had kept her thoughts to herself. I wonder how adopted kids feel when their adoption is emphasized through today's 'openness.'
Have any of you fellow adoptees had this kind of openness? How do you feel about it? Do you think is has helped? Or is this question pointless because every family/mother/child is so different?
Again, no criticism intended here. I'm just genuinely curious about others' experiences.
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I will be praying for you. It can certainly turn your world upside down, can't it? I hope all goes well for you.
It just kills me to read that. I know exactly what you are feeling. For me it came when I was pg with DD#1. My Mom couldn't handle seeing me with my huge belly and watching my husband talking to the baby. One night she had had 1 glass of wine too many and she actually called me back to her room (we were visiting) and cried to me about how my precious baby was not "really" her grandchild...that she had failed my father...etc. What that said to me at that very moment was that I was different. All those years I believed the lie that I was the exact same as any child that was biological, but I wasn't. That's when I realized that I didn't belong 100%. It's an awful, awful feeling. I am so sorry that you know what I am talking about.
Thank you both :)
How difficult that must have been / must be for you. I feel for you - thanks for sharing that with me.
Thanks again for all of the posts. If any of you ever want to, please PM me.
(I don't know how to splice these quotes up, but I'm responding to your comment to me. ) I'm intrigued to read how similarly our moms are behaving. As soon as my sister's twins were born (her first and only bio grandchildren) the adoption comments began. It truly is remarkable how much those twins look like the rest of my family. Naturally, my kids (her only other grandchildren) don't look anything at all like my parents or uncles or aunts. This seems to have brought up some new feelings for my mom.
For example: She actually said recently that my grandparents aren't "officially" my children's great-grandparents. (I had just asked for some pictures of my grandpa's farm to show my boys.) I was stunned. So stunned that I said nothing. What could I say?
I have never felt adopted up until now. I really have given the 'issue' very little thought. It was a non-issue, really. And I'm 40 years old! All of a sudden I feel like her adopted orphan girl instead of her daughter. Now that it's talked about, I feel like some sort of add-on or extra. Yuck. I just wish she could have kept her thoughts to herself. It does me no good to know she feels this way.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get this out. And I truly hope some resolution can come to your situation. It sounds so emotionally exhausting.
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I just started using a new cookbook -- The Best Make-Ahead Recipe. It's by the Cook's Illustrated people, and it is excellent. So, if you have the money or a book store gift certificate, I strongly recommend it. ($35 -- not cheap, but a big, hardback book...)
The chicken pot-pie is excellent, so are the biscuits and dinner rolls. I made the make-ahead individual chocolate souffles for a Christmas party that were outstanding. I currently have chicken and rice casserole in the freezer -- we'll be trying it later this week.
It's not exclusively 'freezer food,' although a whole chapter is devoted to 'Oven-Ready Entrees.' The book also has slow-cooker recipes, make-ahead breakfast dishes (yum -- we loved the cinnamon rolls), and make-ahead holiday menus.
Hope that helps!
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I was adopted as an infant, too. I have never contacted my biological mother for fear of a situation similar to yours. But, if she contacted me, I'm sure I'd allow contact, just like you did.
I also understand the not-belonging-100%-to-anyone feeling. Ick. It's a brand-new feeling for me, as my mom has just recently talking more about my being adopted. (I had given my adopted-ness very little thought previously.) I have this new and very unsettling feeling that she doesn't think I'm really hers. (She adopted 3 of us and then became pregnant. She is much closer to my sister --her bio child-- than to the rest of us.)
I'm not sure this is good advice, but I suggest doing what feels the best to YOU. You didn't start any of this and all involved are adults responsible for their own behavior. Whatever you choose to do, you have no need to apologize or take care of those involved.
Practically speaking, could you just quit your Facebook account entirely? That would simplify one aspect of all this. You could just begin regular emailing with your bio mom -- then there would be no public relationship to 'manage.'
Best wishes to you.
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I'm so sorry to read about all you're going through and have gone through with your daughter. It must be so painful.
I wanted to second the Gordon Neufeld recommendation made by hornblower. My husband is a high school teacher, and has had a lot of success with Neufeld's ideas. Dh has worked with many angry kids, and while teaching is certainly not the same as parenting, there are some cross-overs. My husband has observed/experienced that once the relationship is destroyed, punitive measures seem only to 'fan the flames' of an angry, rebellious teen bent on revenge against parents/teachers. Neufeld's ideas are at least partially based on this belief.
I think his ideas and methods would provide you with some hope.
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So, 3 replies about time...
brief, frequent lessons for some things, longer stretches for others.
I love the idea of the whole week of history or science in one day. Not only would it allow us to really enjoy it, but my husband could join us, and it would free up more time during the week.
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What is one thing you've done or taught that has really brought success to your home school? Maybe it's a particular curriculum. Maybe it's part of your schedule, or philosophy, or a book that really helped you 'turn things around' in your teaching.
I am so glad to have implemented brief (about 5 minutes) daily practice of previously taught arithmetic skills.
:lurk5:
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I've been a Christian for a long time and the first I'd heard of Young Earth Creationism was 2 years ago at a homeschool co-op. I was stunned.
I'd be MUCH more likely to purchase Sonlight science if they included evolutionary-creation materials. I hope they will.
And thanks for the link to Holzmann's blog. I plan to check it out!
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I have struggled with anxiety attacks/insomnia and it is so very hard.
It must be morning by the time you read this, so I hope you finally were able to sleep.
One thing that helped me about was the advice to not fight the anxiety. Accept that your body is feeling how it feels and decide to get through it, and to remember that you will get through it.
In the morning, let the bad night go. Get started with a determination to make it a good day in spite of the bad night.
Also, if your husband will be gone again tonight, try to come up with a plan now for what you will do if you begin feeling anxious again and can't sleep.
I don't know where it is now, but I also found a web page about anxiety. (there are lots of them) It had suggestions about a meditative-type exercise that led me step-by-step into a more relaxed state. This really helped me. Sort of in the same way breathing exercises helped during childbirth -- it gave me and my body something else to focus on. If you google 'anxiety attacks' you may have some luck.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It is so hard, but it will pass, and you'll get through it. Good luck to you.
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The proof is in the pudding, isn't it?
Great work!
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I do not see an 'us vs. them' mentality here. I see people who have had public school teachers say the same thing to them as the OP heard (I know I have heard it a lot) and then they related how they had to "fix" the lacking education of their child. It happens. It's ok to post about it here at this homeschooling forum. We are here to support each other when these things happen.
I didn't see anyone generalizing that 'public schools are all bad and homeschoolers are all good'. Or, did I just miss that post? Of course people are people (kids are kids) it goes both ways. But, the discussion was centering around this specific lack of education in this specific school district to this specific child and others were supporting the OP with the same experiences that they had. This is a concern and people within the public school system should care about it, but they can't if they don't know it exists.
She was generalizing in the title of her post when she wrote, "You know how public school teachers like to say..."
She went on to the more specific example, but she did begin with a broad generalization.
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I don't have time to read all the posts right now, but just have to pipe in here...
My husband teaches high school math (all levels up to AP calculus) and I've never heard him say anything negative about the previously home-schooled kids he teaches. In fact, he has said the opposite. To paraphrase what I've heard him say repeatedly:
"The homeschooled kids I have are (almost) exclusively ahead of grade level in math, know how to study, how to learn, how to 'be students.' Also, they seem to be able to see the social situation for what it is and then rise above it."
Lets not paint public school teachers with too wide a brush.
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I'm only doing two, Levels C & D. The Level D book seems to take less time than C. I thought C was the most time-consuming so far. A friend of mine is currently doing C and the Geometric Approach, and she says her time teaching has gone way down this year. So, I think it may get easier.
My thought is, by putting in all the time now, you'll be saving time later. RS is so effective that your kids will be very well-prepared for upper-level math and all that time will have been worth it!
Anyone know of a site linking chapter books to history/science?
in K-8 Curriculum Board
Posted
I don't know of a website -- but I'll be checking back here to see if anyone else does.
What I'd suggest is looking in the Sonlight curriculum catalog. They plan their history and some science to include corresponding chapter books.