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Heather in Neverland

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Posts posted by Heather in Neverland

  1. No. Instead he met with both of my parents and asked for their blessing... Not their permission. We would have gotten married even without their blessing but it meant a lot to me that he did that. To me it meant he cared about my parents, too, and it was important to him that they understand his feelings for me and his intentions.

  2. I will not eat cherries or anything cherry-flavored.


    Or durian. I can't even smell durian or the bile will rise and durian season is nearly upon me. That means I will be driving around with my car windows up.

  3. In 1994 my boyfriend went off his bipolar meds and ended up committing suicide. It devastated me and the effects are still with me 20 years later. Please don't take chances. (((Hugs)))

  4. Started reading:

    The Hypnotist's Love Story by Liane Moriarty


    Still reading:

    The Glory of Heaven by John MacArthur


    Finished reading:

    1. The Curiosity by Stephen Kiernan (AVERAGE)

    2. The Last Time I Saw Paris by Lynn Sheene (GOOD)

    3. Unwind by Neal Shusterman (EXCELLENT)

    4. The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty (EXCELLENT)

    5. The Rage Against God: How Atheism Led Me to Faith by Peter Hitchens (AMAZING)

    6. Champion by Marie Lu (PRETTY GOOD)

    7. Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel Pink (INCREDIBLE)

    8. Cultivating Christian Character by Michael Zigarelli (HO-HUM)

    9. Detroit: An American Autopsy by Charlie LeDuff (um...WOW. So amazing and sad)

    10. Pressure Points: Twelve Global Issues Shaping the Face of the Church by JD Payne (SO-SO)

    11. The Happiness Project: Or Why I spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. by Gretchen Rubin (GOOD)

    12. Reading and Writing Across Content Areas by Roberta Sejnost (SO-SO)

    13. Winter of the World by Ken Follet (PRETTY GOOD)

    14. The School Revolution: A New Answer for our Broken Education System by Ron Paul (GREAT)

    15. Lost Lake by Sarah Addison Allen (LOVED IT)

    16. Beyond the Hole in the Wall: Discover the Power of Self-Organized Learning by Sugata Mitra (GOOD)

    17. Can Computers Keep Secrets? - How a Six-Year-Old's Curiosity Could Change the World by Tom Barrett (GOOD)

    18. You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You're Deluding Yourself by David McRaney (GOOD)

    19. Hollow City by Ransom Riggs (OK)

    20. Follow Me by David Platt (GOOD)

    21. The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman (SO-SO)

    22. Falls the Shadow by Sharon Kay Penman (OK)

    23. A Neglected Grace: Family Worship in the Christian Home by Jason Helopoulos (GOOD)

    24. The Valley of Amazement by Amy Tan (DEPRESSING)

    25. No Place Like Oz by Danielle Paige (SO-SO)

    26. 84 Charing Cross Road by Helen Hanff (DELIGHTFUL)

    27. The Light Between Oceans by ML Stedman (WORST ENDING EVER)

    28. Dreams of Gods and Monsters by Laini Taylor (SO-SO)

    29. Mere Christianity by CS Lewis (BRILLIANT)

    30. The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker (WONDERFUL)

    31. Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell (CAN'T-PUT-IT-DOWN-READ-IT-ALL-IN-ONE-SITTING BOOK)

    32. Dark Places by Gillian Flynn (SUPER CREEPY BUT REALLY GOOD)

    33. A House in the Sky by Amanda Lindhout (WONDERFUL)

  5. I never really thought about it. I suppose my number one rule is that it is low maintenance. Life is too short for high maintenance friends. I have no problem cutting out a toxic friendship like the cancer it is.



    I had a friend who kept score... You know... "I've called you three times this week and you've only called me once" and so forth. I do not have time for that nonsense. I have a close friend back in the states and our communication varies depending on what's going on in our lives. Sometimes we chat daily by iMessage. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks. But when we do talk again neither of us gets mad at the other for not calling. We do what we can when we can. No strings attached.

  6. In response to the OP: Around here, though, if some stranger came up and complimented a family such as yours as being a beautiful, international family, people would think he was being insensitive and racist.

    That's an interesting comment. I think that goes back to the whole "we are supposed to be color blind" mindset. Some have swung the pendulum so far back in the other direction it's like we are supposed to act like we are all LITERALLY the same color.


    It's a fine line. I don't want people to treat my kids poorly because of their race but I also don't want people to act like my kids are NOT Korean or Indian. Then it feels like it's something they should be embarrassed about. It is supposed to be a descriptor (straight hair, short, Korean, male, etc.) NOT a commentary.


    Funny story: my children spend a lot of time in the sun and so my youngest two, despite being different ethnicities, are about the same skin tone. The other day they were both sitting on the couch in their undies after a bath and my ds said, "Look mom, Natalie's camouflaged! You can't see her if she's sitting on my lap because we are the same color!" It made me laugh. To him it is just a color, not a commentary. I like it that way.

  7. I don't know if "not seeing race" is really a good marker of whether racism is getting better or worse. I think about the studies profiled in Nurtureshock and it seems like the biggest mistake white parents make is to assume that their child not being able to articulate race is a positive thing since in the long term they showed that it was a negative.

    That's an interesting point. I don't if I would say my kids don't "see" race but more like it isn't the number one defining factor for them. It is a factor of course but just not as important as whether or not someone is nice, honest, friendly, etc. We celebrate our children's heritage and do everything we can to teach them about it (including hiring a nanny that speaks Tamil to teach our dd her native language). We want them to be comfortable with who they are. But we don't want race to be the first thing that comes to mind when they meet someone. I think that is a step forward. It was not like that when I was growing up. Race always seemed to be the first thing, unfortunately.

  8. I think that things are getting better. In 1993, the issue of whether Denzel Washington would or would not kiss Julia Roberts in 'The Pelican Brief' was much discussed. In the film 'Love, Actually' there's a plot line where a young man is in love with his best friend's fiancee. It's not mentioned, and is not relevant to the plot, that the affianced couple are black/white. It's just not an issue. The film was made in 2003. I do feel that, decade by decade, there is a shift.



    I did not know that about The Pelican Brief. Very interesting!

  9. We live with one foot in the city and one foot in a mid-sized midwestern town.


    In the city it is getting better. In the town it is getting worse; not just about racism but also about classism. They want a bubble, and the 1950s (Ozzie and Harriet) look mighty fine from where they are sitting.


    This is why we never do move to the small town, even though I'm tired of homeschooling and would like to put the kids in school sometimes and the small town schools are "better." When I remember these problems that are very serious to me, "better" is not actually "better" at all and we choose to stay in the city. I'm not raising kids in a bubble. I just can't.



    That's an interesting factor... City vs. small town. I hadn't thought of it that way. I live in a city. I sometimes wonder what kind of experience we will face when we move back to the states and it sounds like it depends on where we move to.


    So now I wonder what affects the level of racist attitudes in an area the most...



    Small town?

    Level of education in the area?

    Income level of the area?

    Religion of the area?



    Philosophically speaking but also I am thinking practically...


    If I'm looking to move somewhere with warm weather (I am), what is going to be my best bet if I want to live in a place where my multirace family will be most accepted and my children will not have to face a lot of racist attitudes?


    Wait, I think I just derailed my own thread... :)

  10. An incident happened yesterday that gave me a tiny bit of hope for our present and future when it comes to racism:


    While eating lunch at the mall, a man (complete stranger to us) walked up to us and said, "I apologize for interrupting but I just had to tell you that you have the most beautiful family. I'm from London and I've been traveling all over the world and I've seen a lot of things, but your international family is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."


    We were pretty speechless. Our unusual family typically just gets lots of stares and the occasional insensitive question about adoption (are those your real kids?). This is a first for us.


    Then my youngest son asked why the man was so interested in our family and what did he mean by "international"? My oldest son piped in with, "You know, because I'm white, Natalie's Indian and you're Korean?" And Alex said, "oh yeah! I forgot. But what's the big deal? It's just our skin color."


    That moment has been buzzing around my head all day and night.


    I think it's pretty awesome that racism is not a factor for my children to the point that they often forget we are "different" at all... That we actually had to explain why the man was intrigued by us (my ds thinks our family is normal to the point of boring!). I actually had to explain racism to him. He said, "I remember that from when we studied the Civil War but I thought that was a long time ago?"


    Ah, the innocence of children. But it got me thinking... When I was his age in the 70s and early 80s, racism was not only present but common in my life. My family is from the Deep South, grew up during the 50s and 60s, and carried a lot of racist notions that were pretty openly expressed. And I grew up in the Detroit area, well know for its civil rights issues. I never even actually talked to a black person until I was 18yo because my parents kept us insulated in a white community. Seriously.


    Growing up I can say that I did not harbor the same level of racism as my parents did (I didn't really get what they were all worked up about) but being raised in that environment definitely affected me and I had to determine on my own to break from that kind of thinking. When I adopted my ds from Korea 10 years ago, our families were pretty mortified. Five years later we adopted an Indian baby and they were more a little more accepting.


    But the incident yesterday gave me hope. The man who approached us was younger than me, probably growing up in the 90s, and his attitude toward a multirace family was really positive. My children growing up in the 21st century, don't get why that man even noticed us at all. My hope is that my grandchildren, who will probably end up all being biracial, will not even be familiar with the word racism. Is that too much to hope?


    So, are things getting better where you are? Is there truly hope that, with each new generation, racism becomes obsolete... Just something they read about from history that makes them think how strange their ancestors were? Wouldn't that be great?

  11. And this conference, and the policy that resulted from it, are one of the reasons for the establishment of the state of Israel. The Zionist settlers had been working to establish a legal state, but corporately (as a nascent nation), they had not really gotten much traction until this happened. This and the Holocaust proved to uninterested Jews around the world that having a national homeland was essential. It was an ongoing uphill battle that took another 10 years until they had their own reclaimed land and legally recognized nation.


    Please tell me you're not saying the ends justified the means. I fully support the nation of Israel but I still don't think that this excuses what happened at that conference.

  12. We basically live on the face of the sun and have in-room units throughout our house. We only turn them on when we are in the room. It takes about 10 minutes before the room is really cold. It would cost us a fortune to leave them running all them time regardless of the temperature we set them to.


    You could try each option for a month and see who is right. :)

  13. Right Heather! What it entails is waiting several years for paperwork to process. Years! Not weeks, not months....years. So if you are in a cartel war zone, you and your family could easily be dead by the time you can come here legally.


    We tried to adopt from Nicaragua. Our girls died of strep turned rheumatic fever while they waited. Easily treatable here, but the antibiotics weren't available to them, and the money we sent for their medical care was stolen - three times. It's something we have a very hard time even talking about, and usually don't. So, that's the last I'm saying on that subject, or I won't be able to get through my day.


    These people come here illegally because they are desperate. It's not a whim. They don't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll go on vacation in America." They risk being abandoned by coyotes to die of the elements, being shot dead at the border, languishing in detention centers, dying in route, being captured by cartels, the list is long and fraught with danger.


    This will never end unless we get ruthless, put up fences, and shoot to kill indiscriminately, or get serious about ways to invest in and stabilize Latin American countries so that people have hope, a reason not to risk life and limb to leave. I am not for the first solution. It disgusts me just thinking about it.

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. That breaks my heart.


    I agree with every word you posted. I once felt like everyone should have to go through the same immigration hell I just went through... Until I went through it. Now I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

  14. But many of us are descendants of people who did come to America under duress and in dire straits, and still managed to do so legally. My grandmother's family came from Russia at the beginning of the 20th century. They saw the writing on the wall, and were able to escape. They are of the Mennonite persuasion and while they were able to get out before "it" hit the fan with the Bolshiveks, a lot of their families and friends did not and had to literally run for their lives. There are stories, books, movies made of the harrowing escapes these people made, over icy rivers into China and then they made their way into Canada and the US. Legally. And when they came to the US they didn't expect government help. They worked. They were poor, but they worked.


    As someone who just navigated the process "legally", I am willing to bet that what you have to do now to enter this country legally and what you had to do back then are vastly different. If you have not attempted this process then you have no idea the amount of money, paperwork and knowledge of immigration law that is required to do it legally. It is a nightmare that I have spent the last four years living through.


    I'm not saying it's ok to come illegally but I am saying that most Americans who demand that everyone come here legally have NO IDEA what that actually entails in 2014.

  15. I think it is unless there is a really good reason. Your employer has no right to dictate your out of work activities providing they are legal.

    That's not actually true. I've had to sign a "moral turpitude" clause as part of my contract for being a teacher. That means there are LEGAL activities that I cannot engage in while I work there.


    For instance, I can LEGALLY be a stripper on the weekends but if the school district where I worked found out, I would be fired. I can LEGALLY date an 18yo if I am single and so inclined, but if that 18yo happens to be my student then I will be fired. I can LEGALLY go on vacation to Cancun and drink myself into a stupor as long as I don't drive. But if I post pictures of myself doing body shots on FB, I can be fired. And so forth...


    And that's when I worked at a public school. Now that I work at a private Christian school, the list is even longer.

  16. If the substance is legal and consumed in a legal manner and that person is not currently impaired while at work, then there should be no consequences (similar to legal consumption of alcohol).


    It's still "in your system" only matters if the person is IMPAIRED while at work. Lots of things technically stay in your system long after the effects are gone.


    Having said that, I can't say I'm really excited about the idea of my pilot or my surgeon or even drivers on the road smoking pot "legally" until we find a breathalyzer-type test that can tell us if they are currently impaired the way we can do with alcohol.

  17. I'm trying to figure out if I just need a Xanax in my purse for the times when I'm struggling or whether I need a ton of therapy and stronger meds.


    How many milligrams of Xanax do you take?


    Thanks for writing!



    He gave me 0.5mg and I only take it if I feel the panic rising. I try really hard to use self talk and deep breathing to calm myself first because they make me sleepy. Sometimes I will break it in half and it will calm me without making me fall asleep.

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