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Heather in Neverland

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Posts posted by Heather in Neverland

  1. Another desk worker here and the first day I wore the fit bit I couldn't believe how low the number was.

     

    It was practically negative.

     

    So now my students and staff probably think I'm nuts as I do random, purposeless laps around the campus in the sweltering heat trying to get that stupid number up.

  2. It does matter for many other religions.

     

    My amah (housekeeper/nanny) was raised a devout Hindu and married a devout Hindu man. A few years ago she and her daughters became Christians. Her husband disowned all of them and says they are "dead to him". The oldest daughter just got married and he refused to come to the wedding and demanded his name be taken off the invitations. He has not seen or spoken to them in three years.

     

    Also, here in Malaysia it is illegal for a Malay to convert from the Muslim faith to anything else. If one person in a married Malay couple wanted to convert from being a Muslim it would not only destroy their marriage but get them arrested.

     

    So it's not just Christians who may feel this way. Many other faiths have similar feelings on the unity of religion in marriage.

  3. I did not breast feed my one birth child. I did not want to. I have my reasons and I could explain them to you. But explaining makes me feel like I have to justify my decision and I don't.

     

    My baby. My choice. No regrets.

     

    Your baby. Your choice. If anyone gives you lip about not breastfeeding just tell them... "Let's play a game called mind your own business. You go first."

     

    Now get a bottle in that baby's mouth and start ENJOYING your new born! Congratulations!

  4. Safe travels! Enjoy your visit. Is this your daughter's first time to the US? I was following your other thread with interest.

     

     

    :

    Actually my daughter's visa did not come in time so she cannot go. She is staying here with her dad and her older brother. My middle child and I are going to the U.S. for two weeks so my mom doesn't have a fit. :)

  5. Started reading:
    Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

    Still reading: 
    all caught up!

    Finished reading: 
    1. The Curiosity by Stephen Kiernan (AVERAGE)
    2. The Last Time I Saw Paris by Lynn Sheene (GOOD)
    3. Unwind by Neal Shusterman (EXCELLENT)
    4. The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty (EXCELLENT)
    5. The Rage Against God: How Atheism Led Me to Faith by Peter Hitchens (AMAZING)
    6. Champion by Marie Lu (PRETTY GOOD)
    7. Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel Pink (INCREDIBLE) 
    8. Cultivating Christian Character by Michael Zigarelli (HO-HUM)
    9. Detroit: An American Autopsy by Charlie LeDuff (um...WOW. So amazing and sad)
    10. Pressure Points: Twelve Global Issues Shaping the Face of the Church by JD Payne (SO-SO)
    11. The Happiness Project: Or Why I spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. by Gretchen Rubin (GOOD)
    12. Reading and Writing Across Content Areas by Roberta Sejnost (SO-SO)
    13. Winter of the World by Ken Follet (PRETTY GOOD)
    14. The School Revolution: A New Answer for our Broken Education System by Ron Paul (GREAT)
    15. Lost Lake by Sarah Addison Allen (LOVED IT)
    16. Beyond the Hole in the Wall: Discover the Power of Self-Organized Learning by Sugata Mitra (GOOD)
    17. Can Computers Keep Secrets? - How a Six-Year-Old's Curiosity Could Change the World by Tom Barrett (GOOD)
    18. You Are Not So Smart: Why You Have Too Many Friends on Facebook, Why Your Memory Is Mostly Fiction, and 46 Other Ways You're Deluding Yourself by David McRaney (GOOD)
    19. Hollow City by Ransom Riggs (OK)
    20. Follow Me by David Platt (GOOD)
    21. The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman (SO-SO)
    22. Falls the Shadow by Sharon Kay Penman (OK)
    23. A Neglected Grace: Family Worship in the Christian Home by Jason Helopoulos (GOOD)
    24. The Valley of Amazement by Amy Tan (DEPRESSING)
    25. No Place Like Oz by Danielle Paige (SO-SO)
    26. 84 Charing Cross Road by Helen Hanff (DELIGHTFUL)
    27. The Light Between Oceans by ML Stedman (WORST ENDING EVER)
    28. Dreams of Gods and Monsters by Laini Taylor (SO-SO)
    29. Mere Christianity by CS Lewis (BRILLIANT)
    30. The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker (WONDERFUL)
    31. Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell (CAN'T-PUT-IT-DOWN-READ-IT-ALL-IN-ONE-SITTING BOOK)
     

     

  6. Well, here in Malaysia they certainly know how to take a day off. There are more public holidays than I can count, about 20 I think. They also get about 4 weeks worth of sick time and at least 4 weeks worth of vacation time.

     

    They also travel a lot which is easy to understand when you can get to lots of different countries in a short plane ride.

  7. This is the best explanation I have read:

     

    Think of yourself as a TRIANGLE.  You come from the land of triangles.  Everyone around you is a triangle.  It is all that the other triangles know.

     

    You have moved to the land of CIRCLES.  Everyone around you is a circle.  While you have not become a circle, your points have started to become a little rounder and not so pointy. 

     

    Eventually you are no longer really a triangle, you are not a circle, but you are your own shape a slightly roundy triangle.

     

    You go back to the land of triangles for a visit.  They THINK you are still a triangle.  You left a triangle.  They don't know any other triangles who have changed.  They expect you to think, and eat and act like a triangle.  But YOU know you are no longer exactly a triangle. 

     

    We are impacted by where we live and who we live with.  Other people need to accept that!

    I've been thinking about this post for a few days and I love it, but I realized that it's missing a piece (in my situation). I would add...

     

    As a triangle I knew when I moved to the land of circles that I was not a circle and never would truly be a circle. But I assumed I would always be a triangle. I didn't really notice how my points were becoming more rounded. Then I went back to my home land of triangles fully expecting to feel like a triangle. It was only when I was back among triangles that I even realized I was no longer a true triangle. That was the biggest shock of all.

     

    Compared to the circles I live with I am very much a triangle, but compared to triangles, I'm some weird shape that doesn't have a name.

     

      

    I'm really glad you started this thread, Heather.  I'm somewhat relieved  to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way about going back.  It's also oddly comforting to see some responses and know that the attitudes toward ex-pats aren't just specific to my little sphere of reference within my former country, that it is, indeed, a larger sentiment than I had guessed.

     

    Nothing in this thread makes me less anxious about going back, but at least I have a broader perspective now.  And, knowing I'm not the only one is a huge help. 

     

    Best to you on your trip home and I do hope it is less stressful than you're anticipating.  :grouphug:

    I totally agree. I had no idea there were so many others on this board that have experienced this same feeling. The idea I am trying to wrap my head around is that I will always be this way now. I am forever a slightly rounded triangle. There is no going back.

     

      

    Thinking more about this: I think there are actually two layers to the shock: in my case, the first was the visceral horror at the casual abundance in Europe; the second was shock at how much I had changed, that a stack of Toblerones could turn my stomach - who was I now?.

     

    L

    Exactly. Not realizing how much you have changed. Then suddenly you are confronted with it and the only word that describes it is shock.

  8. I think that part of this is just not wanting to be lectured very much.

    I have friends who are teachers, and who are ALWAYS instructing. It's their primary means of communication. It's habitual. And it's really, really annoying. Since homeschooling, I have tended this way myself, and I try to consciously stop myself from doing it. There's a place for mutual sharing, and a place for being more of the lecturer, and family is not usually the latter, or at least not for very long.

     

    Heather, I'm really sympathetic, especially about the guilt thing and wanting to be known as you know, but I think that the lecturing issue is something to watch out for as well.

    I'm sorry. I don't think I understand what you mean. Are you saying that because I am a teacher I come across as lecturing my family about Malaysia rather than just sharing about the five years of my life they weren't part of?

  9. :grouphug: I think this is the norm. I've heard a rule of thumb is that to reintegrate into one's home country, plan for 2 years back in the US for everyone 1 year out of the US. So people who live overseas longterm and then return are really cultural citizens of a 3rd realm of a mix of the two. Do you have a missions organization to help you or did you go without an organization? Even if you didn't go with an organization, you may want to check with some of the progressive missions agencies because they recognize this huge challenge and have some wisdom and experience with addressing it. They may even have materials that you could give to those closest to you to help them understand.

     

    I think one thing that may help is to fight the impulse to believe it reflects a personal lack of care for you and yours. There is probably a well of love and care that is quite tied up in sorrow as well--sorrow that they have lost you from their daily lives. Sorrow that wishes you were here all the time. If you think of it in the abstract (kind of sociologically) rather than personally, that may help.

     

    I think your friends and family wanting you to just step back into place is an amplification of the phenomena that happen to all of us. For instance, if I haven't seen a child for a while, they freeze in my mind in the stage in which I knew them. Hence my shock that this kindergarten student is now graduating from high school! For your family and friends, they've all moved forward together, and the changes in each has happened gradually. They see you in time-warp change mode and it's hard to take in that much change in a short visit. Does that make sense?

     

    I think the "not quite belonging anywhere" is part of the suffering that is inherent in being a missionary and is part of sharing in the sufferings of Christ. He didn't really belong here, either. It helps a person long more for the heavenly country that is your true home. It's also part of the suffering of Christ to be a family member of a missionary (there is a sense of loss of the familiar kind of connection with the loved one.) Both sides need to give some. You are probably much more aware of this than they are. They are in a "bubble thinking" situation. They all see things more or less the same and that validates that that is actually the way things are. So they are going to be more likely to expect you to fit back into the the "normal" bubble. They've never had to think differently. So though it's unfair, it's probably easier for you to see the problem and try to figure out how to build bridges.

     

    I wonder if you talked with this in a straightforward way if that would help. "I know it's hard for you because I'm not the person I was 5 years ago. I've changed permanently and in a setting apart from you, so we didn't change together. What is hardest for you about that?" "What's hard for me is that I truly want to try to bridge that gap to some extent, but it seems hard for you to hear about my life there. Can you help me understand that?" (You may find, for instance, that they are hoping you come back to the US for good and expressing too much interest in your life of Malaysia might make that less likely.) or "Malaysia is a part of me. Can you try to be open to Malaysia as a way of loving me?"

    I'm all choked up now. Thank you for this... I really needed to read these words.

  10. I am going on a 21 hour trip this coming Tuesday from Malaysia to Detroit.

     

    We all have iPads so I load them up with games, books and movies and we all have headphones. iPads have changed my life when it comes to travel. I don't have to think of a zillion different things to keep them busy now. They can write or do something educational or play games or read or whatever, all on one device. It's brilliant.

     

    And snacks. Lots of snacks. And sleep if you can.

  11.  

     

    Having had that experience, I don't think it's necessarily about the person wanting to talk about their 'trip' and show pictures. This isn't a vacation - it's her life. It's weird to visit people and have long conversations while pretending that a huge chunk of your life doesn't exist.

     

    ?

    YES! That is it exactly! It's not that I think Malaysia is so much better than America or my life is so much better than theirs or even that I have this need to drone on and on about "my life in Malaysia". But the fact that I have to act like none of it is happening and I have been living down the street from my family just like I always have is just ... weird and sad.

  12. Kinda off topic, but ...

     

    Oh my stars! It has been 5 years since you accepted that job? What happened to your little FIAR boys? They didn't grow up did they? They couldn't have, 'cuz that would make me feel old, and I'm not in the mood to feel old this morning.

     

    5 years! Wow.

     

    Praying for peace, and a vacation that exceeds your every expectation.

    I know. Five years. It's crazy how fast it went by!! Yep, my little FIAR boys are now 16 and 10. Not so little any more. I think Malaysia must have its own hyper-speed time zone. That's the only explanation for how five years has gone by already!

  13. This thread has been eye opening for me in general but I think your post nails it, Kat. I have a daughter I adore who talks about nothing but moving to japan after graduation. I don't want to think about it! So now I realize I could turn into a denier like Heather's family and it's not that I wouldn't be interested, more that I would miss her so much and secretly feel abandoned and worry she would never return.

     

    Thanks to this thread, I can start prepping myself to put on a good face if need be.

    My mom has had a very hard time accepting this move. She hates the fact that we live here and even after 5 years never lets an opportunity go by to remind me of how miserable I am making her by living here. She is a master at making me feel guilty.

     

    She does not acknowledge or affirm any of the awesome experiences we have had here. I think she feels like if she agrees with me on any of it or shows any interest then she is giving me permission to stay and that will never happen.

     

    So she just ignores anything that has to do with my life in Malaysia and will actually ask me not to talk about it around her.

     

    I have told my dh that if our children have opportunities to live abroad and I start acting like my mother to PLEASE call me out on it. I don't want to do this to my children. They have a right to live their lives without guilt from me. So I will smile and support them and then just cry in my pillow when they can't see me.

  14. I am interested, though, in the culture shock you experience when you come back to the US. What is it that is shocking?

    I want to know how you experience comng back here, now, too. I am utterly fascinated by cultural differences, and if I was your relative, I would be listeninf to your comparisons with rapt attention.

     

    There are lots of things that make coming back to the U.S. a "shock" to the system...some I can explain and some I really can't. But here are two things that stand out from my last trip...

     

    1. The sheer vastness of America is astounding. I live on a small, densely populated island. Everything and everyone feels squished together most of the time. The traffic is bumper to bumper. The people are shoulder to shoulder. The houses are on top of each other and there are no yards. You have this constant feeling of limited space. When I get to the U.S. It feels immense. The cars look like tanks. The houses are like castles. In Michigan I am from a small, quiet suburb. When I go back it feels deserted. Where is everyone? I go to the mall and hardly anyone is there. There is no one on the street. No one walking around. The vastness of America makes me feel tiny and lost and swallowed up and a bit lonely.

     

    2. The abundance of America. In Malaysia I can grocery shop in about 12 minutes. It's pretty easy when your choices are white bread or wheat bread and that's it. When I go to a supermarket in the states, the bread aisle is as big as my house and there are 527 different varieties of bread and I just stand there paralyzed with indecision. It makes me feel anxious and the last time I visited I ended up leaving without buying anything because I was overwhelmed by the choices.

     

    Those are just two small examples (I could talk about the ubiquitous police presence and rabid gun culture but things might get controversial). :)

  15. Your post brings back memories. I remember the shocking realization that our families didn't really care about our life "away". We were just supposed to slip back in our slot and go on like nothing ever happened.

     

    Your nerves are understandable! Hang in there!!!

     

    Glad to know my family is not the only one like that.

     

    I have a few friends who are TRULY interested and ask questions and are fascinated to learn about other cultures. I'm that way, too. If someone in my family moved to a foreign country I would pepper them with questions about it!

     

    It is just so odd to me that so many people actually have no interest whatsoever in any culture other than their own. 

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