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Capt_Uhura

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    Feedback needed for 7th grader's compare & contrast paper

    in K-8 Writing Workshop

    Posted

    You're welcome! I probably would say good job and move on. Also, I think it's really helpful to collect essays that you think are well written. Let her read them and then discuss the structure. "why do you think the author enumerates the points he's going to make?" "It helps the listener/reader follow the arguments." Give her a list of connecting words. SWB has a good list in WWS and Paragraph Writing Made Easy has a good list broken down into time, enumeration etc. Have her think of it has a road map she is leading her readers along. She needs those words to tell us where to go.

    Feedback needed for 7th grader's compare & contrast paper

    in K-8 Writing Workshop

    Posted

    This paper will explain the differences and similarities between the novel Shiloh and the movie Shiloh. Shiloh is about a dog who was mistreated then later found by a boy named Marty. Marty is a poor, 11 year old boy who lives in West Virginia and who adopts Shiloh.

     

    The book and the movie have some similarities. Judd Travers was mean to his hunting dogs and everyone else. One of his dogs, Shiloh, followed Marty home one day. When Judd found out, he wanted Shiloh back, but Marty made a bargain with Judd so that he could keep Shiloh. Marty had to work for Judd to pay for Shiloh.

     

    In some ways the book and the movie are different. In the book, Marty’s best friend was a boy named David, but in the movie his best friend was a girl named Sam. Also, in the book Marty’s family was poor. They had three rooms in their house. In the movie they didn’t seem that poor because they had a big, two story house. In the book, Judd said he would not keep the deal to sell Shiloh, while in the movie, he said he wouldn’t keep his deal and he also fought to get Shiloh back from Marty.

     

    I prefer the book over the movie, even though I do like movies better because I am more visual. In this story, however, the book had much more detail and was more interesting.

     

    Well, I am probably the least qualified to comment lol but since no one else has, I will give my opinion. Now I don't have any idea what is good for a 7th grade level. So keep that in mind. I'm also doing LToW w/ my boys so I have that format in my brain so I don't know how standard it is. But, w/ all those caveats, here are my thoughts.

     

    I know you said the assignment suggest that lead in but I do not like that. Also the next few sentences are a narrative to set up the essay. I think that should be first and then state her thesis.

     

    Shiloh is about a dog who was mistreated then later found by a boy named Marty. Marty is a poor, 11 year old boy who lives in West Virginia and who adopts Shiloh. While the movie Shiloh stayed mostly true to the book Shiloh, there are a few differences. (this sets you up for going into a compare paragraph and then a contrast paragraph)(Also the Shiloh is and Marty is is a bit repetitive. Better would be "Marty, a poor, 11 year old boy, lives in W. Virginia. He adopts Shiloh. - I wouldn't join those two sentences b/c they are not related. Has she had active and passive voice?)

     

    In the 2nd paragraph, I just think she needs some connecting words.

     

    The book and the movie have some (enumerate here????) similarities. (In both the book and movie,) Judd Travers was mean to his hunting dogs and everyone else. One of his dogs, Shiloh, followed Marty home one day. When Judd found out, he wanted Shiloh back, but Marty made a bargain with Judd so that he could keep Shiloh. Marty had to work for Judd to pay for Shiloh.

     

    In some ways (enumerate????) the book and the movie are different.(Passive voice: The book and movie differ in three key/minor aspects). In the book, Marty’s best friend was a boy named David, but in the movie his best friend was a girl named Sam. (Liked the parallelism here) Also, in the book Marty’s family was poor. They had three rooms in their house. In the movie they didn’t seem that poor because they had a big, two story house. In the book, Judd said he would not keep the deal to sell Shiloh, while in the movie, he said he wouldn’t keep his deal and he also fought to get Shiloh back from Marty. (This paragraph is much better. She used connecting/transitional phrases. She kept to the parallelism of book then movie, book then movie, book then movie.)

     

    Ok, she's a struggling writer. I don't know how to handle that. Maybe she just needs to be told, GREAT JOB, and move on. Then in the next essay, work on passive voice, for example.

     

    As far as the content. I'm not as good with that. My feeling is that the similarities between a book and movie are not as important as the differences. I felt I wanted some opinion on what if anything the differences brought to the movie. Are those differences inconsequential? The plot stayed the same. Did the fact that the boy had more money in the movie make you feel more or less empathetic with him? Did being poor relate to him having to work to keep Shiloh since he didn't have money? Did he have to work to keep Shiloh in the movie since he had more money?

    So maybe what I'm missing is a summary paragraph? This all might go beyond the scope of the assignment and/or scope of the grade level)

     

    (Ok I'm going to make this up b/c I haven't read the book or seen the movie. This is in no way polished b/c I haven't had breakfast and my blood sugar is dropping rapidly. :001_huh:

     

    "The key points of the plot remained the same in the book and movie Shiloh. (partial reiteration of the thesis) The sex of the best friend is inconsequential to the plot. However, that Marty was portrayed as middle class in the book as evidenced by the differences in houses, made me less empathetic with Marty. That difference was then reflected in Marty not having to work to keep Shiloh since he could just pay for him. I prefer the book over the movie (I don't know if you need to say "Over the movie), even though I do like movies better because I am more visual. In this story, however, the book had much more detail and was more interesting.

     

     

    In that sentence, that she prefers the book gets lost. I think that should be the last thing the reader reads. Better would be, "Because I am more visual, I usually prefer movies to books. In this case, however, I prefer the book because it had more detail and was therefore more interesting."

     

    I suppose any discussion on why the movie producers chose to change Marty's financial status would be more rhetoric level?

     

    Ok well, that's it lol. Anyone feel free to tell me I stink and I shouldn't bother writing my opinions on essays as I'm just learning about all this myself.

    Art of Problem Solving?

    in Logic Stage & Middle Grade Challenges

    Posted

    I've heard such great things about AoPS. I'm hesitant to use it, tho, since I'm not mathy. I was ready to outsource math for pre-algebra and beyond. Can a 6th grader enroll in the online courses without parental involvement? My fear is that he will be stuck at some point, and I will not be able to help him.

     

    I think your DS would be fine. There is a messageboard for discussion w/ the teacher. If he got stuck, he'd email his question and the teacher and other, I forgot what they are called, assistants? will answer his question.

    "Five Reasons Why Your Child Won't Be a Scientist" Blog Post

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    I think the notion that the only kids going into STEM fields have STEM-parents is related to the generally poor science/math education in this country. STEM-parents are more likely to nuture and afterschool their DC in science. You can have non-STEM parents who nuture and afterschool science for their DC as well. I read the speech of the valedictorian from a nearby high school. He credited his valedictorian-ship to his parents afterschooling math and science, saying that the math and science taught at his high school was crap. :001_huh: He used more sophisticated words than I am using but that was the gist. So this kid has an advantage in going into a STEM career b/c he will be better prepared for college than the other kids at his school that didn't have the ASing that he had.

    "Five Reasons Why Your Child Won't Be a Scientist" Blog Post

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    The good scientists I know are all good writers - because they have to write a lot of papers and get them published in prestigious journals. If you don't write correct English, you don't get your paper published. And some editors are really nitpicky about language details. Incorrect English can be grounds to have your paper rejected, at least from the better journals.

    :iagree: Japanese colleagues of mine could not get their papers published in even 2nd tier American journals due to poor grammar. After I started rewriting all of their papers, they were accepted on the first submission - same data, same science - good English.

    "Five Reasons Why Your Child Won't Be a Scientist" Blog Post

    in General Education Discussion Board

    Posted

    I think it is important to realize that science will not advance if all we have is just one type of thinker working on a problem. Most problems that I am aware of require a very broad range of skills in order for there to be a successful outcome. Some team members will need to be deeply theoretical, some will need to be extremely "hands on", others will need to be extremely practical, some will need to manage the process, etc. Many times technical people will tend to think that their approach to the problem is the best or most valuable, when in reality nothing will get accomplished unless a broad-based set of approaches comes to bear.:iagree:

     

     

     

    :iagree::iagree: You need those folks who change/challenge the paradigm. You need those folks who once the paradigm shifts, goes in and fills in the details b/c the paradigm shifters have moved on to the next cool idea. YOu need those folks who can integrate it all and see the big picture while those others are at the sub-microscopic details. It's all good. :D

     

    I'm only on page 3 so this is likely been said but I think it depends on the kid. DS, who was then 8yrs old, said that reading about science wasn't doing science. He wanted to do science. Some kids are content with reading books, writing a summary, researching a topic to learn more about it, DS likes discovering things for himself. WHen he was 8-9yrs old, he wanted to know if hot water cools down at the same rate that cold water warms up to room temp. He designed an experiment to test it, using the LEGO NXT to capture the data. I could have googled that and read him the answer but the look on his face when he graphed the data was priceless.

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