Rose in BC
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Posts posted by Rose in BC
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No real news except my (adult) niece chatted with him on Facebook yesterday. He told her he'd be going home in a few weeks.
I had a very busy week which effectively allowed me to bury my head in the sand :). One positive ('cause you have to see the silver lining), we've had a good week with our eldest son who has FASD and a mild intelectual disability. We've had tough days with this boy...different tough days than with our youngest son. Our eldest ds is very attached but his special needs really affect his ability to make good choices. Anyway, he's been home alone with us (dd is on a youth trip) and that's resulted in a pretty good week.
My struggle right now is wrestling with the thought "could it be better for ds with his birthmother?" Rationally the answer is no, but I can't help but wonder if he has peace with this connection. No real way of knowing for certain because of limited conversations. So my mind plays in overdrive.
It's still all quite surreal at times.
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Hence
No one in my area uses it in normal conversation. Ds and I are out to change that. I used it in a meeting this week, on purpose.
That's a challenge...I'm preparing briefing notes for a presentation tomorrow. I'm going to use the word hence. It'll provide me with a little levity . :)
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Some happy news tonight. I was away on a business trip but tonight when I got home there was a voice message from son. No one was home at the time he called. He said he wants to stay at least one more week. That's way better than I imagined (although it will likely be more than a week, it seems he's still thinking of home).
I texted him saying how good it was to hear his voice. I know he called because no matter how much he has "hated" us ...he has a need to talk with me. It's been his MO his whole life. (And we seems to communicate the best via phone :).)
A glimmer of happiness. I'll take it. :)
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Thanks...I'm tired tonight so kind of sad. I look back at our years as his parents and there's so much we cold have done different/better....we really were ignorant to his special needs FASD, RAD, ODD, until very recently. We just kept thinking we had to learn new parenting techniques...we failed him in so many ways.
But we told him every day that we love him and we're his forever family through thick and thin.
On a neat side note our dd also adopted, went on a youth trip four provinces over. The group went to do volunteer work. On her first day she texted saying "mom you'll never guess what job I got. Working with FASD adults! I was raised to do this...literally." (We have two FASD kids.). How awesome is her attitude!
Btw my sisters and best friend agree with your comments that the longer he's the there the more likely he'll get a taste of reality.
Or maybe he'll love his new reality. :(
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I don't have much to report. I'm getting a funny/sinking feeling though ...he's not in a rush to come home it seems. :(.
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Honestly, I have been through some of this, and it is better for you if he stays longer. The longer it goes, the more he sees how their home really is. He really needs the mental clarity. If he only has fun he won't know how it would be to be there all the time. Maybe he could even notice that even though she bought concert tickets now she can't afford to pay the water bill and its about to be shut off, or whatever. My oldest would always call at the end of the summer with her mom and BEG me to let her stay longer. I figured out that her mom expected her to do it and listened in. But six weeks was enough, when we picked her up she always gave a BIG sigh of relief to be home.
Hmmm, that makes a lot of sense. That's a good perspective. Thanks.
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Hold strong little mama! You are doing great without that manual. You have good instincts, and are listening to your head instead, that is what parenting a RAD child is all about. LOL Know what you know, but don't follow your heart....follow your head. You know if you had a manual, he would find a way to be the outlier anyways. LOL
Prayers for peaceful dreams for you tonight.
For him, prayers that he is starting to see the difference in the love that comes from parents that have taken care of him his entire life and the love a bio-parent who just met him. They are both a strong love, but they are very different on so many levels. I hope he is open to seeing that.
Are you allowing yourself to enjoy the break at least? If nothing else, please take a moment to enjoy going to bed at night, without having to deal with attitude all day long and to wake up in the morning to birds chirping and kids playing.
Thanks for this awesome post. Follow my head, not heart is the best advice (not easy to do). I chuckled at your comment about not having to deal with his attitude. So true. Of course I do have two other teens including one other FASD boy, who still give me plenty of attitude :). But nothing competes with a RAD child :).
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I have no update from social services. I'm guessing they may not have gone until Friday afternoon and by the time they updated our local worker maybe it was too late in the day to call us. I will call them first thing Monday morning. (I had hoped they could have even emailed a brief note, but they didn't.)
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So I just hung up the phone. Ds called home. I was so happy to hear his voice (conversations thus far were texts).
He asked me not to book a return flight yet.
I tried not to sound panicked. I knew bio mom was sitting near him (could hear her).
He asked how much notice I needed to book a flight. I said a week (which is true because we live In a fairly remote area that's seeing an industrial boom so flights are often full of construction workers.)
It was such an awkward conversation knowing she was listening in. I just told him we loved him and missed him and that we were happy he was getting to know his birth family.
There is no procedural manual for this kind of an event.
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(((hugs)))
I have no idea what the right way to handle that would be in your unique circumstances.
But, my instinct would be to get on the next flight (or drive) and GO GET YOUR SON.
I'd involve a lawyer immediately, and would use the police to enforce your child to go with you, and would tell them all that I'd put restraining orders prohibiting ANY contact until he is 18 if they don't all cooperate. I'd also get rid of internet and long distance phone access. I guess I'd just freak out.
I am sure that would not be helpful. ;)
Stay very busy this week. Go to the movies. Watch a movie marathon. Whatever you can do to keep your mind occupied and your body tired. If you exercise, do lots. If you don't usually exercise, do a little. ;)
Ha, ha! Those are all the things I'd like to do, but I know my boy and I know that wouldn't help our situation. (My other two kids, absolutely but then they wouldn't have boarded a plane without us in the first place.)
This child has stretched us in ways i never would have imagined. And we love him so much. ,
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Thanks for all the supportive comments. As this day winds down I do wonder what if calls us and says he's not coming home. I don't think that will happen but it could happen.
I'm going to try very hard not to go down that road of thinking. It's useless to worry.
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Here's a brief update. He's having fun. And I'm having a hard time not feeling a bit resentful. (I wished you knew me in real life. Neither my dh or I are resentful, bitter kind of people.). I guess I'm feeling like how can we compete? She has him for a week or two and they're doing "cool" things. Tonight they're going to a KISS concert tonight. It's hard not to feel resentful that she can afford tickets but is saddling us with his return flight which will be $400 and we're a single income family.
He's probably thinking they're cool and we're stick in the muds.
They posted a "family" photo on Facebook today. He looks happy. I'm happy they get to know each other I guess I just wished it would have played out differently and involved us.
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Tons of hugs and love being sent your way. Prayers of safety and clear eyes for him.
I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but I do agree that you did the best you can for him (and the family) by letting him go. You are very brave and a good mama to see that this is a journey he needs to take and it would have been done with or without your support. I am certain, you making this trip possible for him, is the right thing to do. While you continued to offer him and 'out' all along, you allowed him to board the plane and start taking the steps to meet his bio-family. Good, bad, whatever his experience there....you did the right thing by letting him go. The rage you would have dealt with otherwise, would have been inconceivable and only damaged your family more.
Prayers and positive thoughts for you and yours,
~Tap
Thanks for these kind words.
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I have fibro but I would gladly take the steroids if it actually meant getting rid of this. I hope you are treated successfully.
That is how I'm feeling at this moment but I do have to wait until I see rheumatologist. Dr said it might still be fibromyalgia and sometimes people have both...hope not.
The only issue with steroids is that some people have to take them for a couple of years and that's hard on the body.
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My dad got this dx several years ago (at about age 70?). He is still on steroids as it hasn't gone away. It is painful but he has managed by keeping active.
I think it typically diagnosed in the elderly....good to hear he's remained active.
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Yes he did board plane and arrived safely. He said everything is okay. Today social services is supposed to pay a visit and give me an update from their perspective.
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Although I am younger than usual age for this disorder.
Two drs in our clinic agree with this diagnosis but are sending me to a rheumatologist for confirmation. Last month when I went for my fibromyalgia prescription I asked dr how he could be certain it was fibromyalgia. He said it was usually a diagnosis of elimination..rule out other things. I described some newer symptoms. He immediately said I was describing polymyalgia. I went for blood work that showed a high crp level which indicates inflammation.
Outcome is good...treatment harsh. Patients usually require one or two years of steroids.
Anyway, I'm curious if anyone here is familiar with it.
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You're a winner! I could NEVER do that!
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What an emotional day. I just said good-bye to my dd who is going on a youth trip for the next two weeks. Of cours that's a great trip for her and we'll see her in a couple of weeks.
Next good-bye is ds who leaves in a couple of hours. Who knows the outcome of that trip.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. I need them. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. This morning I'm over thinking things...will she think I've taken good care of "our" son? What will he tell her about us? I think I've recounted everyday of our years together, wishing we'd done some things differently.
My family is great...all my adult nieces and nephews, along with my sister and her dh are on stand-by.
What a crazy day.
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Thinking of you today.
I would just like to send you more hugs
Thank you.
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This is the part I can't grasp, he's 15 years old, it is not out of your hands unless a judge orders it and no judge in his right mind would do that. I pray that your son decides not to go, I did something similarly stupid at 15 and it effects me to this day.
I guess what I mean is we could forbid him from going and then he'd either go anyway (apparently with ID he actually can board plane without our permission,) or he'd stay and be angry with us. And I'm not talking regular teenage anger...I'm talking over board anger that hurts the whole family. We've lived with that for years and won't knowingly put our other children into that circumstance.
Reactive attachment disorder is out of this world. If you haven't experienced it first hand you can't imagine it. We have been held hostage by this boy's behavior for over a decade. I can't even believe some of the things we have endured and I was part of it.
It's been a journey, that's for sure.
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Earlier today I posted that this was a bad idea, but now I wish I'd just given you a hug. The hug smiley thing doesn't work on the ipad, so this will have to do: (((((Rose)))))))))
Thanks for the hug ...and for what it's worth, you're right. It is a bad idea. Out of our hands. Its actually surreal that something so big is out of our hands.
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It wouldn't be unreasonable at all to insist THEY provide the return ticket BEFORE he leaves. It should not be on you as they are the ones paying to bring him out they should pay to return him. fwiw, I urge you to looking into a condition called Pyroluria and Histadelia (very common with Pyroluria and is a direct known cause of ODD). It sounds like what his mother might have and its genetic, treating that would turn your ODD kid into a sweet loving kid if its the root cause and just might help the RAD thing. I dealt with all that hell until 2 years ago when we found out my dd12 had both, totally different kid now.
Wow I've never heard of this. I will definitely check into this. Thanks.
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Not to sound critical, and I hope it doesn't (I've missed the backstory), is there some reason you can't get on that plane with him? I agree that you can't do anything to stop this from happening, but there's also nothing to stop you from being right there at every possible opportunity. If the moment comes when he can't take it, you could be only a hotel room away rather than 2 1/2 hours or across states. At the same time, if I were in your shoes, I might feel ready to step back a bit from a terribly difficult parenting situation and let things unfold however it goes. That'd be completely understandable.
Either way, (((hugs))).
We thought about this but it isn't easy for us to do this a) the flight is around $800 per person, the hotel probably $200 a night (major tourist city), B) our dd is leaving for a youth trip this week too and we need to be here to get her ready for this half way across Canada trip, and c) we have another special needs boy we can't leave home alone and is difficult to travel with.
We had offered to drive him there at a bit later date but that wasn't good enough.
As it is this will hit us financially because we have to buy the return ticket.
My son found his birthmother on Facebook -- update
in The Chat Board
Posted
Thanks for your kind words. I'm not sure I'm handling anything....it's so overwhelming its hard to even think it all through.
We couldn't force him to come home if we wanted to....trust me when I say a child with RAD is not your typical child. Plus if we did successfully get him home before he wanted to, our life would be hell....he'd make sure of it. Honestly I've been wondering what life will be like upon his return. Will it be better or will things be worse than before (which is hard to imagine).
Last night I sent several "I love you and miss you" messages. Today on Facebook birthmother and adult birth sister had posts about how complete their lives are now that he's part of their lives and how much they love him. I almost wondered if he said something positive about us and they were reacting.
It's painful. And confusing. And honestly we don't always really know what to do. No instruction book with this situation.