lovinmyboys
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Posts posted by lovinmyboys
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18 minutes ago, Katy said:
An introvert’s source of social connection need not be large to be beneficial. A spouse, a few friends, a few adult children may be all you need to experience the benefits. It doesn’t have to be a huge network.
I did have a big social shakeup in the pandemic. I just lost respect for too many people. We ended up moving where people view the world more like us. It’s not perfect but it’s better. Expensive solution though, and not possible for many.
ETA: I was just listening to a podcast about this. I’m pretty sure it was Cassie from Clutterbug’s podcast. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember the name of the researcher she was talking to. Only that he’s worked on that Harvard human study for a long time. He said introverts need less, but still some social connections.
Do you think the move was worth it? We are moving in the next 6-18 months and I really want to move to a place where people share a more similar world view to me. But those seem to be in higher cost of living areas and they aren’t close to family. If I decide to be more socially selective, I guess it won’t matter much where we live.
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10 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:
I largely went into social retirement in 2020....we left our church community, I became essentially homebound due to covid due to mask shortage/lack of vaccine, and what remaining friends I had outside of church moved or moved on. Honestly, it's largely been fantastic. I completely agree about a lack of reciprocation/balance being an issue + a number of people becoming....difficult to enjoy being around. I find myself a lot happier and more at peace. I hope that at some point I'll find some friends who I find joyful to have in my life, but I'm completely fine if I don't. I'm still very, very busy with kid taxi stuff and managing a household---but I think when the next season of life comes, I'll embrace it and if I need to expand my network, I will. 🙂
Yes leaving church is part of it for me as well. And I still have 4 kids at home, so I’ll be busy with them for several more years.
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I feel very safe where I live now. I would go out at any hour alone and not worry. My kids have lots of freedom here.
I have felt mostly safe everywhere I lived, but I probably wouldn’t have walked alone after dark without feeling a little nervous at least.
I do think most people are statistically pretty safe in the US as long as their close associates are safe people and they aren’t committing crimes. Most violent crime is domestic or some sort of gang/drug related.
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For my entire adult life I have worked hard to make and keep friends and build community. I have had to start over quite a bit as we have moved several times. I have gotten a lot of joy from these relationships.
But now I think it just feels like a lot of work and often isn’t reciprocated. I’ve had my feelings hurt some lately. I’ve discovered that some people are just real jerks. And I’m tired. My kids are getting older and can manage their own social lives now. It kind of sounds nice to just take a few years and read, catch up on shows, exercise, and work on some hobbies.
I’ve read several novels lately that show how necessary a community is (Man Called Ove, All the Lonely People, Vera Wong’s Unsolicited Advice for Murderers). They have motivated me to continue to build a community. But I don’t think I am really that person. I think maybe I would be happier if I never had to talk to anyone. I’m just worried I’ll turn into a grumpy old lady if I do that.
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I do live overseas, but am kind of living my best life here, so it isn’t that.
I think it is just that I would like a partner in this parenting thing. My youngest is dealing with a bit of a tricky social situation and I would like dh’s input, but he is really never home to talk about it. I guess it is kind of the cliche mental load. I’m not at all overworked, but it would be nice to have someone to discuss things with. Living overseas does add to the mental load a bit because things are done differently (and in a different language).
I think the volunteer thing bugged me because I didn’t even know it was an option for him to get off work early.
This has been helpful. I have brought it up a few times over the years and dh seems honestly unable to understand the problem. I kind of just gave up (or thought maybe I am being unreasonable), but this has given me some ideas of how to approach the conversation better.
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2 minutes ago, YaelAldrich said:
I feel like I am hearing everything the other poster are saying but I think I also hear some sadness and anticipated grief about the fact that your children are getting bigger and will be out of the house sooner than later. Or maybe that's just me!
I might feel compelled to just think about those feelings for a little bit and see if they are resonating with you.
Oh for sure! My oldest graduates from high school this month and will be going a long way away for college in August.
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That’s so great things are going well with your future dil. That relationship can be so tricky!
We are currently renting and I may never buy a house again (partly because of prices!!) but also it is so nice not having to worry about trees, etc.
I got my nails done today and can see why people like to do that. I just keep staring at them- makes me happy.
We have a busy few weekends so I’m trying to plan so everyone can get where they need to go. My two middle boys each have a couple of babysitting jobs and I love that they like doing that and that people hire them. My two youngest have their middle school dance tonight and I love seeing everyone dressed up. Next weekend I am going to see Taylor Swift with a few neighbors and then the next weekend my oldest graduates from high school.
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He has given me different reasons for volunteering- he thinks it sets a good example for our kids, he likes coaching, they asked him to, he likes hanging out with the other coaches. It would be fine, but he is making that time up on the other days. So yesterday he didn’t get home until after 10:30. And I think it bugs me because he has never really gotten off work early to help me. I’ve just had to figure out how to do things on my own.
After a fairly decent night of sleep, I’m feeling better. I have been overwhelmed before at different stages and I am going back to strategies I have used before- cut down on obligations and go to bed on time. Plus, I will use some of your tips.
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Oh no! I believe identitytheft.gov has lots of good information with checklists and where to report. Glad it wasn’t too much, but I’m sorry they got something. And I’m sorry that now you have to deal with it all.
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Dh is volunteering with the jv team. My kids do play, but not on that team. It is only a few weeks but I am still annoyed because there is just a lot going on and I feel like he never has time, but somehow has time for this.
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19 minutes ago, regentrude said:
How much spare time does he have? How much spare time do you have? Is the issue that you don't have time to yourself but he does? If you're not working, I assume you have some me-time during the day? Would you feel more fulfilled if you, too, had a job to go to during the day?
My DH starts work at 8am and gets home around 7pm. I work shorter hours, so I do all housework and cook. He comes home for lunch ( which I cook and have ready on the table, and I love that we can do that.) That seems fair. When the kids were younger, I worked only part time and did all homeschooling and the bulk of parenting. When he comes home, we both have time off.
I would feel resentful if he plopped down while I was slaving in the kitchen after working all day, but this seems immensely fair. And not DHs fault. When I felt unhappy with the situation of being half a housewife, I upped my responsibilities at work to have another area in my life that is mine. It seems counterintuitive, but it helped a lot feeling better about my life.
Eta: if the volunteering isn't for your kid's team and wasn't discussed, I'd point out to him that he should prioritize his family.
Thinking about it more, it isn’t the spare time that is the issue for me. I definitely have more than dh. Dh is always helpful when he is here.
I want to be like what you describe where I get everything done while he works. But it just hasn’t worked out. Four tween/teen boys eat so much I feel like I could cook all day long. Plus I have three in braces so we seem to spend an inordinate amount of time at the orthodontist. One of my kids has an ankle injury so that has been extra appointments. I’m not sure exactly what I am doing wrong because I currently don’t feel like I am keeping up with everything on my own. I used to homeschool all four of them and I think I did a better job of staying on top of things then. I think I was better at parenting the under 12 crowd. I’ve spent a lot of time this evening helping ds14 with his Polish homework because he was in tears. I don’t know. It just feels like a lot.
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I think posting helped clarify. I do get plenty of time for myself during the day, so it isn’t like I want to sit and read quietly and can’t. It is more that I would like to have family dinners and read with my youngest and watch Brooklyn 99 with ds16, chat with my oldest etc. Instead I feel like I am rushing from one thing to another and can’t really enjoy the time with my kids. Evenings have a lot going on. And my kids are older so technically I could go out all evening and they would be fine. It just isn’t my vision for my family. In some ways it was easier when they were younger because I would just read one book to everyone. I could treat them more as a pack. But now that they are in school and older, they need me in more individual ways.
When I discuss it with Dh, he just says the boys should be doing more work around the house so I wouldn’t be overwhelmed. But that isn’t really the problem. Plus, one of them has a hurt ankle and my oldest is taking his senior exams. They are all busy- it isn’t like they are doing nothing instead of making dinner or doing the dishes.
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I really have no idea.
For the 18 years we have been parents, I have done the vast majority of it. And I mostly don’t mind. I always wanted to be a mom, I enjoyed homeschooling, I like most aspects of raising kids. Dh has always had jobs that required long hours and travel. I feel like most of the time, I have handled it well and only complained occasionally.
Anyway, currently my Dh still works a lot and travels. The kids are all double digits and all in school full time and I’m not working. I still do almost all of the morning and evening stuff. I am kind of getting tired of it. It is just a lot and I really can’t do it all. I can’t be in two places at once, etc.
So dh volunteered to help with a sports team at the school for a few weeks so he has to get off early those days, so the other days he works late to make up for it. So he isn’t home the days he volunteers and he isn’t home the other days because he is working. I’m just so irritated about the whole thing. Then one night he asked if I cared if he played basketball at 5:30 and I just didn’t respond to the text. Then he texts and says never mind it was canceled and so he stayed at work all evening.
I don’t even really know what I can do about it. He isn’t home very much and he has to work. And volunteering and exercising are healthy things to do. I guess I’m just wondering how common this is.
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I hate tornado season
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7 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:
It’s really bad here.
Oh no! Praying for safety
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Just now, TexasProud said:
And most of the time I am not this anxious about it. I am just in a tailspin right now as it feels like everything is caving in, so it is the straw that broke the camel's back today. Most days, I am not this bad unless they do super cells like they are saying today. But that has been rare.
I have anxious days sometimes too. Do you have to go anywhere today? Can you just stay close to home?
Would a weather radio work? I know they are still recommended even with phone alerts.
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Uncertainty is so hard!
My adventure of the day: ds15 calls from school to tell me he went to the school nurse because his throat hurt and she told him he has an abscess and he needs to see the dr today because it could spread to his lungs. The nurse never called me which really aggravated me. Yes, my ds is in high school, but he can’t take himself to a dr. Anyway, I found a dr with an evening appointment and got him in and there was no abscess. This is a much more boring story now that I have typed it out.
I’m certainly glad ds didn’t have an abscess, but that took up a good portion of my day. And I’m considering complaining to the principal tomorrow. If the nurse really thought he had an abscess in his throat, she should have called me. The note in the portal just says “sore throat.”
Im really not someone who complains because I figure people are doing their best and I don’t want to cause trouble. But it should just be a policy that if the school nurse thinks the student should see a dr, the parent should get a phone call.
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Do you have tornado sirens where you live? When we lived in places with tornados, I had a plan for what we would do if the sirens went off. When I knew we were under a watch/chance of bad weather, I would just note it and carry on with my day knowing if the sirens went off, then I would go to our tornado safe place. Typically the sirens give you enough time to get to safety.
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Thanks everyone. I do feel better. After a second doctor appointment I feel more confident that his ankle will heal ok- he may have to have surgery, but it should work fine and be pain free eventually. I think he feels kind of tough to be able to say he broke his ankle and no one knew (although that isn’t really the lesson I want him to take from this).
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This is this kids first broken bone, but my other three have all broken something and theirs were all obvious. I still remember my then 3yr olds cute little voice saying „my arm is not working.”
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6 minutes ago, Terabith said:
You are SOOOOO not alone. My oldest is a super duper whiner/ overreactor, and there was one time we completely missed a real injury because we couldn't tell the difference between the pain expressed after the drawer fell on their foot and the general whininess. In no world would I assume a kid complaining/ avoiding walking for a couple of days that seemed to resolve would be a broken bone in the absence of other physical signs.
I really didn’t think so either. I only took him to the dr to kind of cross it off the list, and was shocked. So then I’m trying to remember back to when he hurt it because I don’t think I even ever considered taking him to the dr. And while I do think it is mostly my fault, he is certainly old enough to communicate that he is actually injured.
The dr said he didn’t really know how he could have been playing basketball or hockey with his ankle like it was.
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7 minutes ago, athena1277 said:
I know you feel terrible, but it happens. My brother broke his arm when he was 3yo. My mom didn’t realize for 2 weeks. She only realized something was wrong because he usually used 2 hand to open/close our heavy sliding glass door. He started struggling with it because he would only use one hand. Don’t beat yourself up too much.
Did his arm heal ok? That is what I am most worried about. The dr seemed to say that it can be fixed with surgery if necessary. I just don’t want him to have a bad ankle the rest of his life.
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My kids mostly interact with non native English speakers and they have definitely picked up an accent….but I don’t know how to describe it. They have also picked up some interesting ways to phrase things and I don’t think they realize it. They use words in ways Americans wouldn’t use them. And my kids have only been overseas for 2 years and are all in double digits. I was surprised how much their speech changed.
On 4/24/2024 at 5:58 PM, maize said:I've often wished I had a recording of myself as a young adult--people often commented on my accent and asked where I was from, and I wonder myself what it was they were hearing. Both my parents have fairly generic Western US accents--my mom grew up in Alaska, Washington, and Oregon, and my dad in California and Utah. At the time I came back to the western US for college I had been out of the country for 9 years, living in 4 different countries with 3 different languages, and most of the English speakers I interacted with were not American (and often not native speakers). I'd clearly picked up *something* but I don't know what. My siblings all had similar experiences of being asked about their accents.
It's been years since people have commented on my accent or asked where I am from after hearing me speak, so I assume I have naturalized here.
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I love it too! Except the weather didn’t cooperate this year
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Has anyone embraced a more solitary life
in The Chat Board
Posted
When you are living a more solitary life, do you feel like you have some sort of obligation to other people? Checking on them or helping them out?