Kathleen in VA
-
Posts
6,213 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Events
Blogs
Classifieds
Store
Posts posted by Kathleen in VA
-
-
Prayers and :grouphug:.
-
:iagree:
Letting people know is so easy now-a-days. With cell phones and texting, it is convenient for anyone, including "scattered-brained" males (or females) to drop a note to someone. Being care-free isn't really a good excuse for anyone to be inconsiderate, especially now.
If I didn't come home or was incredibly late or flew to another state, I would let my family know, and I own the house where I live. If I am willing to inform others out of consideration, at my age, as the house-owner, I don't think it is too much to ask adult children do the same.
I've gone through this myself. Typically once you let them understand that it isn't them asking permission but being considerate, they usually take the time to share their plans.
Yes, I agree. And I probably brought this on myself in some small way because I would definitely have tried to talk him out of it - too abrupt for my way of thinking - and he wouldn't have wanted to have to explain himself even if he was sure it was the right thing to do. I would have told him he didn't need my permission, but I certainly would have tried to talk him out of it. He probably knew that and just didn't want to deal with that.
-
It would be a HUGE deal in my house if my son (he's almost 21 not 23) took off like that. It would be one thing if he had an apartment and was supporting himself. Then, yes, he's free to do whatever. If he's still living in your house, then the rules change. Adult does not =age. Adult = action.
That said, he's in what I like to call "the STUPID phase." It's that period when kids think they are adults because of their age, but their actions and decisions do not bear that out. Flying to another city at the last minute without notifying anyone qualifies as one of those decisions. House rules do not fly out the door when kids turn 21. He had an obligation to let you know BEFORE he left since he is a resident in YOUR home.
Parenting is much harder at this end. It was easier when the kids were 2.
Amen and Amen!
Of course, I don't remember ever doing anything stupid.:D
-
:grouphug: :grouphug:
If he is considering popping the question, he's probably not capable of logical thought. Did he fly to see the other friend to gather courage, get advice, see if he could do something crazy.
I agree about the ditch comment, "please let me know in the future, so I don't worry. I am your mother."
My dh was known to take off on adventures. I did as well, but mine were better planned. I've already asked dh how he will feel about ds doing stuff like that. He had no response. It's fun when you're the one being spontaneous, it's not if you're left worrying.
I would have him make it up to your dd. :grouphug: :grouphug:
Yup.
Also, I agree with you on the logical thought thing too. I mean, how can you understand the inner workings of a computer and be able to set up your own server with stuff you bought one by one off of ebay and work in the computer field and still not be able to think logically. And, yet, there he is. I guess he has two compartments in his brain - one for math/computer/geek stuff and another for people stuff. The people stuff compartment is malfunctioning - always has.
-
ditto with the other posters-I wouldn't be happy about it but he's a grown-up (whether he acts like it or not LOL)---and if there is trouble with gf for him meeting sister and all he's gotta deal with that too....oh boy....:grouphug:
I'm having a very tough time thinking of him as a "man." Everyone keeps saying men do these things and men can act like this and my mind is still trying to comprehend that this guy really is a man.:tongue_smilie:
-
It seems to me that you're mixing a number of issues. And some of them are important and impact you and others are things you need to let go...
The two that are important are: 1) An adult who lives in your home needs to have the courtesy of letting you know when plans change radically, so you won't worry. Let him know that it was thoughtless and rude of him not to let you know he would not be home. And that this is a courtesy one would expect of any adult sharing a home -- simply saying/texting , "I caught a plane to NYC and won't be back this morning. I'll let you know the details later" would have saved you a lot of worry. 2) He made a commitment to take his sister somewhere and flaked. Thoughtless and rude to her and also to you / the cousins whom he just figured would magically pick up the slack. He needed to remember his commitment and make alternative arrangements.
The rest... Visiting his GF's foreign exchange friend, skipping out on a play, even possibly missing out on a family birthday celebration don't really seem to me like they're your business. You could say, later on, "It hurt my feelings that you blew off my birthday", but I don't think it's an issue where you should be upset that he has done something morally *wrong*.
I think it's important to let him know that you aren't trying to "parent" him in the way you would a 14yo. He's an adult. *But* there's a certain level of courtesy and mutual respect we expect in our relationships with other adults. He blew some of those off and should understand that it hurts, frustrates, and annoys those in his life.
But if he wants to go to NYC at the last minute, I think that's fine. And I think you need to stay way far away from the relationship with the GF/FE friend.
I think I missed this post the first time I read the responses. This is all true and wise. Thanks.:)
I'm going to ignore the birthday thing. I have to admit it made me feel kind of sad, but I know him well enough not to take it personally. It'll hit him some other day and he will apologize and feel bad and that'll be ok. I'm not going to bring it up or stew about it. However, if he does get married someday I will send an email reminder to buy her a card and some flowers.:D
-
I would let him know that you were worried and in the future to show some consideration if he won't be home as usual. I would also remind him about the importance of following through with committments or at least letting people know that he wouldn't be able to fulfill them. Other than that, I would tell him to have fun.
What's really frustrating is earlier this week I talked with him about how he's not ready to get married and that one of the most basic things he needs to do is to follow through on his commitments. Very. very. basic. He agreed with me - he was very open and congenial and said that he knew this was a weak area of his. Actually, he usually does get around to doing the things he says he will do, just not always when you think he ought to - he's on his own clock. He's always been like this. He's just plain quirky.
This has got to be one of the weirdest days in my life. Dd19, who was a Nanowrimo participant this year, said it is great novel fodder. She's already decided to fit it into her book somewhere.:D
ETA: I just noticed I called him Ds22 when he is, in fact, Ds23. Yes, he had a birthday in Sept. Guess I'm on my own clock too.
-
Little bit of an update. I called him back and asked him how gf was handling this and he said all was well. I guess we'll see, huh? Anyway, he's bought a ticket to fly out of JFK to San Antonio tonight and will be coming home on 12/14. He said he spoke with gf's father and gf and everyone is very excited to be meeting him. He sent an email with his flight info and I replied and told him to stop at a Walmart when he gets there to buy underwear and a toothbrush.:D
-
:iagree: I would express your concern about not knowing where he was and your disappointment about plans that were made that are now going to be broken. He also doesn't sound like a kid ready to get married to me at all. This doesn't sound like untypical male behavior for his age though by any stretch. My brother was out of control at this age. The male brain isn't fully finished developing until at least 25+ if that helps at all! :grouphug:
I'm also a bit suspect he's thinking about the exchange student!
And I think it's fine if he's living under your roof to have some courtesy rules in place. When I moved home in the summer during college, my parents would have me give a courtesy call if I wasn't going to be in by 2 am (I think, or some reasonable time). Not too much to ask IMHO.
Actually, that helps a lot! It explains a lot, too. I agree, he's not ready to get married at all. I've told him that. I'm pretty sure he knows deep down inside it's true, but he is running on emotions right now, not logical reasoning. It's hard to find a way to say, "You're too immature to get married," without sounding harsh and critical and creating a situation where he just puts me on "mute." Finding the balance - the never ending battle of motherhood.:tongue_smilie:
-
I would not be upset, especially given your last post with the additional information. He's young and had an absolute last-minute opportunity to have a fun little adventure for which (I assume) he paid for on his own. It sounds as though it happened very quickly and he DID call you as soon as he had a chance. There wasn't time to give you a head's up if he made these plans at 5:30 am and then was immediately off to the airport trying to get boarded onto his flight with a non-functioning phone!
Granted, I don't have a child of that age yet, but I do know what it's like to be 22 years old and at that age four hours without calling Mom is no big deal, IMO.
As far as the girlfriend business- let them work it out. Sounds like the girlfriend has no problem giving him a piece of her mind, LOL.
While I was still on the phone with him I had so many emotions running through me - there were times when I wanted to just rant and rave - but thankfully I managed to remain calm. Dd12 listened to my side of the conversation and after I hung up her only comment was how amazed she was at how I didn't get really, really, really angry at him.:D
Anyway, I thought I didn't really want to ruin the trip for him. So I said something like this, "I understand why you wanted to go and that you got a great price on the ticket. I understand the trouble you had with your phone and although you could have, I understand why you felt it was too early to call when you were still at work. I understand why you want to visit gf in SA too. I get it, really. I just was worried and it would have been nice to know where you were." I did not want to put a sour note on his whole day so we hung up with "I love yous" and I think he was feeling ok.
Usually, four hours is ok on not hearing anything either. I've gotten more antsy since he started working nights and has been burning the candle at both ends. It's a tough situation for him. He works 3/4 days a week, 12-hour shifts. The other days when he's not working he really ought to stay on that schedule (sleep during the day/do stuff at night) but there's nothing to do in the middle of the night, kwim? So he stays up and meets up with friends for lunch or goes hunting (ACK!!!!!) or stops in at Lowes to look at tools and gadgets. He comes home and really ought to sleep but keeps going - he wants to be with the family. He cleaned out the gutters and does other heavy duty chores around here, too. Then he gets all out of kilter and has to go back to work with his schedule all whacked and crazy. So if he doesn't come home from work right away I do worry that he's in a ditch off the side of the road somewhere.
ETA: Just wanted to add that I think he will definitely be getting an earful from gf. Since their relationship is almost all long-distance (skype is good but isn't the same as being with someone), she has him rather idealized. I'm kind of glad she has seen that he is not perfect in every way. Not that I want trouble between them, but I think it's healthy for her to see that he makes mistakes and can be thoughtless at times. Of course, she will have to decide what to make of all this. I'll discuss it with him if he wants, but I'm not going to get involved otherwise.
-
Yep. Didn't bother to tell mom OR girlfriend.
Maybe you should let girlfriend be the real heavy on this one? Will she let him know she was worried or blow it off?
When he called he mentioned that gf had called and was very angry with him. That's satisfying in that he realizes I'm not just an overprotective hyper helicopter mom - other people find this odd too. His gf told him he should call me. Thank you gf - points in your favor.:D
He has always been - I'm not sure - different. He's always been my most difficult child, but that doesn't mean he's a problem child - just odd. He's very, very sweet - he tears up at the end of the BBC Pride and Prejudice when Mrs. Bennett says, "God has been very good to us." He tears up watching Toy Story! He's very sweet - just seems out of touch with the rest of world sometimes. Kind of in his own little world. I've always know he will need to marry someone who is super organized and somewhat bossy just to keep him connected to the rest of us. He's brilliant in a lot of ways - geeky and tech-y and all that - can fix anything. He's got his own computer server set up in our garage!!! But he seems not to realize the whole cause and effect thingy in life.
Here's how his reasoning went on the calling or not calling thing. He decided all this at work at 5am. He was done making all the reservations, etc. by 5:30am. He thought that was too early to call home (although dh is always up and puttering around getting ready for work then). He left work at 6am and drove to Dulles. He just got a new iPhone (bought it used from someone at work) and it wasn't working. Sometime between 7am and 11am he found someone at JFK who showed him how to reboot it and then he called. Didn't occur to him to try a payphone (they still have those at airports right?) or if he could just borrow someone's phone to call home (are people likely to be ok with that?). He should have called from work before he bought the tickets, but he probably felt like he needed to snag them before the great deal disappeared.
I also think he felt sure I'd tell him he was nuts and that he promised to take his sister to a play tonight and what in the ding-dong was he thinking??? So he opted out of having to deal with that and just called after the fact. Yes, we need to have a little talk about doing what you say you will do and at least calling asap if your plans change.
This is rather uncharacteristic of him, but for some reason it doesn't surprise me too much. I think it's been bubbling just under the surface for several months (the desire to just go and do something - especially visiting gf in TX).
He does have a fairly decent job - just started in September - and feels "rich" but he isn't really. He's just so used to not having any money at all that having any discretionary income makes him feel rich. He doesn't pay rent but he contributes in other ways. He recently bought me a french door/bottom freezer refrigerator (used) because of my back problems so I wouldn't have to bend over to get stuff out of the fridge. He fills our cars with gas periodically and picks up stuff at the store (un-reimbursed) all the time on his way home from work. I know he's saving for when he moves out and I know around here that will be nearly impossible on what he earns (Northern Virginia) so I really just want him to keep putting his money in the bank. He did the Dave Ramsay Financial Peace University class and is very good about his money (unless tickets to NYC are especially cheap!!!!!).
I just read the newer posts and I, too, have a suspicion about the exchange student. It does seem weird to me. It would be very uncharacteristic for him to be sneaky though. It's more likely, when I take his whole personality into consideration, that he just wasn't thinking about how it might look to gf. He's a face value kind of person for the most part. If I were gf, though, I'd be stewing right about now.
Man, I'm glad I have some time to process all this before I have to talk to him. Thanks for your input and insight guys.
-
Ds22 works nights 6pm-6am/4 nights a week. He usually shows up here at about 7am and then crashes in his bed. At 9:30am his gf who lives in TX called and asked if I had heard from him. Ummm, ok, let me check the driveway and the bed (I was asleep because I had stayed up until 3am w/Dd19 just talking about her life, friends, etc.). Nope, no car in the driveway, no son asleep in his bed.
So I call his cell phone. Nothing. 10:00am I try again. 10:45am I try again.
We live in the country with some pretty tricky roads between us and Quantico (where he works). Ds does not get enough sleep - always pushing the envelope where that's concerned. I'm wondering if he's gone off the road somewhere and is wrapped around a tree.
11:00 he calls.
Me: Where have you been?
Son: At the airport. I flew from Dulles to JFK.
Me: You're kidding, right?
Son: No. The tickets were really cheap and it was such a good deal and I've never been to NYC before.
Me: *Stunned silence.* Umm, ok. When did you decide to do this?
Son: about 5:45 this morning.
Me: When will you be back?
Son: Well, I could come back this evening, but I'm also thinking about flying from here to San Antonio to see gf in which case I'll come back on Monday.
It's more complicated than that actually. His gf's "foreign exchange sister" is flying into JFK today for a 7-hour layover on her way back to France and Ds wanted to meet her since he's skyped gf and talked to FE sister a lot that way. I'm thinking gf is not going to be cool with this. If I were gf I would not be cool with that. So Ds says yes, he realizes it could look bad and that is why he also wants to fly to San Antonio to see gf. Also, in the last month or so he and gf (whom he met at least 5 years ago at a Civil Air Patrol activity in Alabama and has been corresponding with ever since) have been getting more serious about each other and I think he's thinking about popping the question.
He has tickets to a dinner theater to see "White Christmas" tonight. He and Dd19 and several of his cousins had planned weeks ago to see this performance because a friend from church is in the cast and they wanted to support her and thought it sounded like fun. I called Ds last night at work to verify that he, indeed, was planning on driving his sister to the theater freeing me up to do something with the two littles (not so little but we still call them that). He confirmed that yes, he would be able to take her, and so I made plans with the littles. This morning I reminded Ds on the phone of said plan and he seemed unfazed. He figured his cousins would just take her - he does not realize the logistical nightmare he has caused because now I have to figure Dd19 into my evening plans again. That's complicated too but just take my word that it creates a problem. I'll deal with it, but it would've been nice to know.
Oh, and did I mention my birthday is Monday and we are planning on celebrating it on Sunday with Ds24 and his wife and my granddaughter whom I see very little of due to car issues and Ds24's work/school schedule? I know he knows that because we talked about it before he left for work last night.
FE sister called him while we were talking so I just said good-bye. I really don't know what to think.
Do other people have kids who just decide one morning to fly to NYC and not bother to call and ask if that would be ok? I realize he's an adult, but he lives here. For four hours I've been wondering if he's lying in an ER unconscious or something. Part of me says this is what young folks do - they just decide to do things and then think about them later. Part of me wants to scream. Part of me wants to bonk him on the head with a pool noodle when and if he ever decides to come back home.
What would you do? (Oh, I just noticed I left the "Y" out of my title. Can you tell I'm a bit - oh, I don't know - unsettled?)
-
-
At one point I had three boys in a 10x12 room. I used all the vertical space. We had a loft bed and bunks. The loft bed (STORA at IKEA) was high enough for an adult to walk under comfortably. I put two dressers and a bookcase underneath. On another wall I put another tall bookcase. I did use all the wall space but it helped to keep the floor space open.
My two girls share an 8x9 room. They have a bunkbed, two dressers and a tall skinny bookcase. It's tight in there. I also use all the wall space for added shelving.
Visually, both rooms are nightmares, but I don't really see any other way to do it. We're just biding our time. I think it builds character in them and me.
I also have a garage. I put a large old carpet remnant out there and we bought two large wardrobes, also from IKEA, for overflow clothes and stuff. I don't know what I'd do without that garage. It's really my basement.
Btw, my oldest son moved out in June, 2010 and it's still crowded in the boys' room.:confused:
My consolation is this house is the ideal retirement home. Everything is on one level and I can vacuum the whole house without switching the plug to another outlet. :D
-
Thanks, everyone! These are all great ideas. :)
I decided to make one of these desk calendars for each of them and then add something small besides - cookies and homemade hot cocoa mix perhaps.
-
http://www.tipjunkie.com/home-made-christmas-gift-ideas/
There are some great ideas in here. It starts out with sewing, but keep going, there are other ideas as well.
Lots of scope for the imagination here. Thanks!
Are they outdoorsy? Do they camp? For that type you could make firestarters, eco-friendly soap, meals in a bag, would anything along those lines be good?Hmm..not so outdoorsy. One owns his own landscape design business, several are computer types - not so much computers but they have office jobs and besides hanging out with family, I don't really know how they spend their free time (not camping though), one is the head sound engineer for the National Cathedral, one is an artist (as in portrait artist and he's very, very good at it, too.) One plays golf, but he already has all the little golf accessories I could make by hand. Two of them are new dads - both have one-year old sons. They also have all the little gadget and gadget covers too. These folks don't really need anything, but I'd love to give a thoughtful gift anyway.
I'm now seeing that something consumable would probably be best. Goat milk soap and some peppermint hot cocoa in a mason jar (not together, lol), perhaps.
-
Pajama/lounge pants
pillows (I have great GI Joe and Spiderman material for the dorks in my life) or blankets
I made my dad a drawstring bag for his golf ball in his golf bag for his birthday.
We like the ceramic pictures ornaments at winkflash.
Collages of pictures are always a hit (more with the older guys than the younger ones).
Photo mugs?
i think there are more things for women, because more often than not we are the ones making the whatever, that we come up woth things we would like.:D
Excellent theory - you are probably right.
Thanks for the ideas, ladies. Keep 'em coming.:)
-
I'm not having any trouble finding lovely homemade gift ideas for children and women - the internet is saturated with them (thankfully), but there are very few ideas for homemade gifts for men. I have several nephews and a cousin I buy gifts for for every year and I'm at a loss as to what to give.
I've considered food and that may end up being my final decision. But I thought I'd go ahead and ask you ladies if you have any suggestions before I resort to that.
I think it's very interesting that there are tons of crafty items one can make for women (soaps, lotions, hair accessories, stationery items, home decor, etc.) but very few crafty items intended for men. I could probably get a government grant to research this phenomenon.:D
I did find one tutorial on how to make a bow tie from a regular tie, but I'm thinking that's a lot of work for something that most likely will end up in the back of a drawer, if kept at all.
So, anyone want to help me out here?
-
That's a marvelous site - I could spend hours and hours there. Actually, I think I did.:D
-
Interesting perspective on the standardized testing debate:
I found this quote particularly compelling: “If I’d been required to take those two tests when I was a 10th grader, my life would almost certainly have been very different. I’d have been told I wasn’t ‘college material,’ would probably have believed it, and looked for work appropriate for the level of ability that the test said I had."
Someone I know posted this on FB. This is the same sentence that struck me as well. How many kids are taking these tests and deciding to skip college when they really are college material??? Frustrating to say the least.
-
I have a phone phobia too. I always think I'm bugging people, I don't know what to say, but when I call someone, or they call me, we talk for a while and it's fine. I should get over it because I feel guilty.
I don't mind facebook, texting, or forums, but I feel like people can respond on their own time, have time for form their response (sometimes!).
I cringe if I have to make calls to businesses. I did work in insurance for 5 years where I spent all day on the phone dealing with complaints and questions and agents. Maybe I'm still suffering burnout.
:iagree:I always wondering if I'm interrupting something important. That's usually the first thing I say, "Am I interrupting anything?" I absolutely hate making phone calls. It takes weeks to get my nerve up.
I'm also glad to know I'm not the only one. Really glad. Something about not being the only one is very comforting.
-
I voted wrong. I said 3/4 but that's for my whole life (I'm 52). I never actually gotten a ticket though. Twice I was about 9 months pregnant and both times the officer took one look at my belly and said, "Nevermind." The last time was last year on my way to church (!!!!) - I had gained a bit of speed going down a hill. He just gave me a warning, though.
-
If he gets the job (1 in 8 chance right now), he would work in downtown DC on K St.
If you move here, I highly recommend buying/renting near a VRE station (Virginia Railway Express). I have a friend who's husband works in DC and they live in south Stafford near the Leeland VRE station. He takes that to work everyday. That station is near the Rappahannock River - just north of Fredericksburg (very near Ferry Farm where George Washington grew up). Houses in south Stafford are less expensive than North Stafford and Woodbridge. If you look at real estate online the address might say Stafford or Fredericksburg because it has to do with which post office your mail gets delivered from rather than the actual city limits. This link might give you an idea of what things cost:
http://fredericksburg.com/Homes
Also, a lot of folks do a thing called "slugging." I've heard it's unique to the DC area. Commuters go to commuter parking lots and slug rides with others going their direction. Sounds kind of crazy, but apparently it works rather well for a lot of folks.
http://dc.about.com/od/transportation/a/Slugging.htm
ETA: Just found this cute little house for about $160,000 in the Ferry Farms subdivision. I've driven through here a lot because we used to participate in an activity at Ferry Farm Baptist Church. It is very family friendly and convenient to shopping/museums/Old Town Fredericksburg.
-
My husband delivers mail in Woodbridge - he is intimately acquainted with it. There are some very lovely parts and some perfectly hideous parts. Just depends. Pm me if you'd like.
We live in Stafford. Much less expensive than further north - also more homeschool friendly than Prince William County (where Woodbridge is).
Where exactly is your husband's job located?
Unexpected generosity...Anyone have someone do something you were grateful for?
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
This is a great thread - so encouraging!
Last spring or summer (I'm getting old - cant' remember) I posted here about not having money for gas. A dear and precious lady here sent me her tithe for the month - $300!!!! I was and am still completely humbled and very, very grateful. I will not name her because I think she may want to remain anonymous, but God knows who she is.:) May He richly bless her with her heart's desire.