simka2
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Posts posted by simka2
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I am so happy for all!
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I know that when my ds had to have surgery (at a national children's hospital) it is very tricky to get the surgery (room) booked. I did have to drop everything so we could be ready on a moments notice to get him there.
I am sorry. I know it is frustrating. Just know the surgeons are in a similar frustrating place. They cannot do the surgery without access to the tools. THe whole system is weird. :tongue_smilie:
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Can someone explain how these work? Tomorrow's looks really interesting, but I am not sure what this entails.
Help?
http://us4.campaign-archive2.com/?u=8b0600c50a6edcfcf9aea65d5&id=1d7e95acd6
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I do not think I could prove harrassment. Plus, unless there is a danger element I would have to prove a fiscal consequence. Thankfully, this man cannot effect us this way ever again.
I DO have the option of just not being a FB or online. :tongue_smilie:
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:grouphug: You have been in my thoughts!
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Well, we made it back safe and sound. The kids were soooooo good in the car. :D
Things are smoothing out at work. Still have no idea how this will play out for us. Dh has an idea of someone he wants to replace the person who quit, but he is very hesitant to recommend anyone after this little episode. Eventhough he has been asked by both his company and the contract holder who he would recommend. It would be a lot easier if this state was not under a bit of an international spotlight right now. :glare:
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What if you kept your current account but then had a separate, more private FB account for people who are family and otherwise completely unrelated to anyone at your old church?
You could still check in with the first account and be in touch with those people. You could move certain people over to the new account (they'd have to do this knowingly, but you could friend them with the new account and then delete them off the old account). You'd have your privacy and freedom on the new account without worry.
Each FB account can only have one main email, so you'd have to have a second email. (But you could change the current account to a newer email that you might not check as frequently, and then open the new FB account with your preferred email.)
Clear as mud?
Thank you! This is my plan B if I still feel uncomfortable, after I block all the people I need to. :D
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I have requested a new user name from the mods. I have no idea when or if they will get around to it, but I am definetly having to up my security a bit.
What I have not shared on the GB, is that when I was in the anger phase of healing I really did not care if "he" saw my posts. He had found me on another forum under the same user name and I was not going to let him bully me into hiding. Now, that I KNOW he is still following me 4 years later...I just want peace. I'm not as angry as I once was.
I went ahead and changed my avatar now, to hopfully make this transition easier for regular, but hopefully not to easy.
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Thank you! Things are still really up in the air, but "I" feel calmer. ;)
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:grouphug:
I agree with what everyone said about blocking and changing all your privacy settings.
The only thing I always worry about my own page is that my friends could log in while hanging with other people I didn't accept and they would see my page that way. It doesn't give them access to talk with me but how do we really make sure no one but our friends can see our pages. I just don't think we can.
That's just a little something that has bothered me lately.......
Yes, this is something I have thought about as well. It is troubling.
I am often at war within myself. Part of the problem lies in how much I am willing to share IRL (so to speak) You see we started as the children's pastors, then absorbed the youth dept, and finally absorbed everthing young adult and down. I have "kids" (now in their late teens early twenties) who want to be FB friends. I love them dearly and cherish the time spent as a Pastor's wife in their lives. Thankfully, they were young enough or fringe enough to not have been drastically affected by what happened. Basically, I do not feel it is for them to carry all the gorey details. OTOH, I now this man. I know that he did not give a second thought to using direct family members and casual aquaintances to keep tabs on me and dh.
They (the fb kids) are from a culture that for the most part loves to have a ton of FB friends, and I need to be cautious. I just feel torn.
It turns out FB has some better security features than when I went through a similar episode last year. At that time the only way I knew to protect myself was to make sure we did not have mutual friends. Thanks, everyone for the support. I am a little shook up, but having a long drive home from vacation really helped me sort my emotions. I do not want this person to have power over me, but I am also not as angry as I once was. I just want to feel safe and move on with my life.
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Yes, I went ahead and did this this morning. The reason I had not done it before was that I had a lot of dupliciate people in my life connected to him. Monitoring the mutual friends allowed me to see who he had recruited as spies. I know sounds crazy, but people will do things for their "pastor" that they normally would not. Especially, if they think they are protecting him from the enemy (me :tongue_smilie:).
Now, it is clear that I have someone in the role and he is more than happy to oblige, afterall he could have just blocked me..like his wife did. Ugh! This thing is so nasty!
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Many of you know I went trough a traumatic experience at a church dh and I were staff pastors. This involved a Sr. Pastor who has major control and other issues. It involved spyware on my old computer and a lot of horrid things I really do not want to go into. Because this was a huge church I always had quite a few friends on fb. Because of security issues I had created a system where I did not accept friend requests from anyone who was mutual friends with this man.
Someone has alerted him to this. I can now see that we have mutual friends, but he has found a way to block my being able to see who. In a sense I feel betrayed in my own friends circle, but I do not know for sure how this has developed.
I do have reason to think it is someone who recently friend requested and I declined may have inadvertantly alerted him. I care deeply for this person (dh officiated their wedding), but she had the former pastor as a friend (she is a young adult and had a huge friends list) She knew the whole story, so I simply explained why I could not accept. She said she forgot they were even friends and if she unfriended him would that be okay. I accepted. Now, about 2 weeks later he has figured out how I am doing this. She may have innocently told someone, but he is alerted and I cannot ascertain who our new mutual friend is.
Sorry, this is confusing. :glare:
Is there a way to save this fb account if I do not know who the enemy is in my friends list is? Do I just need to create a new, very small account? Can I import my pics?
Please be gentle as this is very triggering for me. I am so sad and upset.
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Also, I will be driving back from Florida tomorrow, with all 4 kids, all the way back to Houston. My mother and grandmother are following a day behind.
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Dh is in a bit of a predicament. He just had someone he supervises quit. He had recommended this person a couple years ago, but over the last 6 months they have developed a rather serious drinking problem and issue with working for women. Recently this emp[loyee has been asked to file reports with a female supervisor and he has refused. As a result of dh telling him, in nice terms to, "to get over himself" and "it's only 3 weeks," this person quit. It does not reflect well on dh and is in a rather sensitive state (of the states dh supervises). I do not know what the fall out will be. Best case dh will do a little damage control and get a quality replacement. Second best, dh will have to personally take over this state as this is coming at a really bad time (this could involve a relocation for our family :glare:). Worst case, the company looses confidence in dh's abilities. I am future tripping just a bit. ;)
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Hmmmm, maybe poke your head in and say, "are there any finals today?" That should be all the reminder he needs. ;) does he respond better to loss of privledges or physical labor.
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Wow! I have been out of the loop. I just caught up on the Jack Chick and Julie Bogart/Brave writer situation.
The Jack Chick situation I understand as an oversight and I can give that GHC. But when I take this combined with the JB/BW I am once again left with that icky feeling.
I had considered flying to a GHC convention this year, but could not find enough speakers I wanted to hear to make it worth while.
Here is what I just cannot understand...why, after the whole Ken Ham fiasco, would they backtrack in such a way? The die had been cast. Their identity as a more "inclusive" homeschool convention was secured. Now, IMO they have shot themselves in the foot.
Next year it will once again come down to convention speakers and vendors for me. If they cannot diversify, I am really just not interested in spending the money.
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You have all been really helpful! It is so good to read your stories about how this is playing out in your homes!
I struggle with this as well, and DD goes throught these phases every year now, just before her birthday.What really helped me was reading a book called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. I read it years ago, and as far as I remember it mostly applies to younger children, but one particular line stuck with me.
It is the suggestion that every behaviour, no matter how ugly, has a positive intent, poorly expressed. The trick for me is to exhale and to remember the positive intent, and try to find it. It makes me more mellow, more meditative, and really helps not to escalate the situation. When I remember to look for the positive intent, things are just so much better. But then there are times when I forget. :001_huh:
I also try to have as much 1:1 as possible with DD during those phases. It is hard in the beginning, but gets easier within a couple of days.
One example about the positive intent that I remember from the book was a little boy who, upon being told to hold his brother's hand while crossing a road, pinched his brother.
The intent, however, was not to hurt his brother, but to assert his independence--he really wanted to cross the road by himself. The point is that it is not okay to hurt others, but it is okay (and quite good, indeed) to want to be independent. When the situation is deconstructed this way, it is is easier for me, as a parent, to be more reasonable and calm in my approach. It is also quite an effective approach, when done consistently. It reaffirms the child's perception of herself as a good person, and allows for gentle teaching moments.
HTH.
The bolded is brilliant! I had read something similar before, but completely forgot about it until you mentioned it. I remember thinking about how gentle of a mother I would be if I remembered that......then I forgot! :tongue_smilie:
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It is so good to know I am not the only one who does this!!!!
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It sounds like what you saw your mother doing was 'not taking it personally'?? And keeping the big picture in mind. Which is easier to do when you don't have to live with the dc 24/7, IMHO.
Yes, this is it. It is hard when you are together 24/7, but she managed it to a greater degree with my younger siblings...so there has to be a way! :D
I'm not sure if this would help you, but what I tell my now-grown kids about raising kids (in case I'm dead and gone when any of them have kids :rolleyes:) is this:
It does help! .
Your mother is a wise woman. If my husband would have listened to her (or me!)' date=' he'd have a relationship with his firstborn. Instead, he chose to "win" and never extended the child any grace. Sadly, he's realized his mistake too late; he's finding it hard to penetrate the emotional wall his 15 year old child has built to protect himself.Reading this book helped me to develop a good relationship with my son and help his father to recognize why he hadn't.
http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881[/quote']
Thank you! I was seeing this wall develop between dd and I, and I hated it. Truthfully, I knew I was repeating the same dynamic I had with my mom, but I did not know how to let go a bit. Fear is an incredible thing! :glare:I am so grateful for this trip with my mother, getting to see her interact with the kids and pick her brain.
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Well, 11 is a hard age and it is so hard to not engage. I am now on my fourth 11yo and I "think" I have learned some things along the way.
I'm not certain about the specifics in your case. My 11yo daughter wants to argue about everything. If I tell her her response is argumentative or whiney, she immediately tells me it is not and wants to argue.
Exactly, and then I engage..which to me is somewhat what I mean by "needing to win." I need her to KNOW she is the one coming across whiney.
I've begun to tell her it is not what she thinks but how it is perceived that is important. I perceived what she just said differently than she meant it, so please find a way to phrase it so I know how she meant it.
At times, she is just in a bad mood and nothing any of us says or does is right. Then, I tell her that her world is out of whack and we are not walking on eggshells around her anymore. She can improve her outlook, take a nap, or just remove herself from the situation, But she is definitely not allowed to make everyone miserable just because she is feeling "jumbled" inside.
I agree with this. My mother has the amazing ability of not walking on eggshells, but just happily ignoring the attitude offender. :D I, on the otherhand, tend to put my entire life on hold until dd stops her negative attitude or removes herself from the room. That sets us up into a battle of wills and gives her a lot of control over me, which I do not think is the greatest solution.
I do quite a bit of talking about the fact that she is changing, beginning the process of becoming an adult and sometimes her feelings and perceptions are "different" than what is happening. Part of the growing up process is learning to handle the "nothing-is right-in-my world" feelings while being nice to those around you. It is something we all have to learn to be able to get along with others around us. Then I ask if there is anything she needs from me at the moment. Sometimes she just needs a hug.
Hope this helps some
Linda
Linda, it does. I am realizing that what I am struggling with is a bit more ambiguous than I realized.
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I'm not sure what an example of "winning" in this context is. Does it mean allowing children to behave badly and not discipline them, then the child "wins?" Or is it more like winning an argument?
In any case, just as an example, suppose Child A says something nasty or backtalky. I remind them that this is not nice and would they like to rephrase. ( I do this pleasantly) If they escalate or refuse to try again in a better tone, then I say are you sure? If they are sure they will not try to fix things, then I say something like "well maybe you're just in a bad mood and being with people isn't helping" so then they are sent to their room (with schoolbooks or not, depending on time of day) to cool off and come out and apologize/rephrase later.
I also remind the child that "I" don't talk to them in a nasty way, and I don't allow others to do it, either. And if I lose my temper I don't apologize for disciplining, but I DO apologize if I said anything mean, or in a nasty tone. (so they know what it looks like to apologize)
I'm not trying to win, I'm trying to instill civilized behavior. Can you decribe for me how this is or is not winning?
This is very close to how things work in my home as well. The problem is that with four kids I am starting to notice a few things. One is that I cannot maintain this with all four, all the time. It turns me into a constant referee/coach. Second, is that I am focusing a lot on the negative behaviors.
I specifically asked my mother this question as she was the youngest of 3 and took some horrific verbal abuse from her older siblings. I knew it really hurt her and she was angry at her parents for allowing it. Her response was startling. She said she realizes she really didn't need her parents to intervene all the time. She needed them to reassure her of her self worth inspite of her sisters actions and equip her to handle their jabs within herself. It is a slight difference in focus. Focusing on equipping the recipient means they get the majority of the focus, while ignoring the negative behavior of the aggressor. Then at a later time, when emotions are cooled you would discuss positive verbal communication with the offending child.
This s why it is hard for me. I would be releasing control of when their negative behaviors stop. The immediacy of it. It is difficult to explain. Sorry.
Granted none of this is hard and fast and there are going to be times where kids need to be separated or granted space to cool off. :D
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True confessions, I have not read L&L. I have read the reviews (neg and positive) and can reasonably tell that approach will not work for my family in a major sense (I am sure there are some great nuggets in there!). We have a lot of animals and if I followed that approach I could not watch them starve so my children could experience the natural consequence of not fulfilling their responsibility. The no-discussion part has me a little confused as well.
The one thing my mother did really well with me, and I am trying to do with my kids...is discussion. A lot of good dialogue. When to have the dialogue and for what purpose is one of the questions I amtrying to answer. I can see that lecturing in the middle of a negative episode is not the way to go.
My problem is with finding the middle ground.
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Let me see if I can explain where this is coming from. I was raised by a single mom until I was 11. She married my step-dad and our relationship seriously changed. I do not know if it was him, her having two more children, alcholism or the bi-polar disorder....but things were really rough and confusing for me as an adolescent.
Fast forward to today, when I am starting to notice a similar relationship between dd11 and I. I did not want this, but it is happening. We are combative with one another and I have noticed that I tend to need to "win" to feel that I am maintaining my role as "mother."
Now, we are all on vacation together. My grandmother, mother, myself and dd. Mom and I have had a lot of time to talk about the past wounds. I can see that she is truly sorry for how things developed between us. She had apologized as a Step in AA 5 years ago, but I can really see it now. Some of that is because she did get my much younger siblings through adolescence without the trauma I went through.
I asked my mother what she regrets most with me and she said, "Needing to win." She said she didn't understand with me that children are simply on "lease" from God. (She is not particularly religous, but does believe in a higher power) This is so hard for me! Dd11 is in such a "ugly," attitude phase that I often want to pinch her head off! ;)J/K of course, but I do find myself often upset with her and embarressed by her attitude. My mother one the other hand takes it all in stride. Tries to redirect dd and when that doesn't work, she just ignores whatever dd is doing and cheerfully focuses on something else or interacts with one of the other children.
I am trying to implement more of this, but really struggle with how. :confused: I love my children very much and want what is best for them. Sometimes, I fear that if I let things slide/go/pass they will develop horrible habits and ways of interacting with one another. My mother is of the mind that if I am living a good example, they will come out of this ugly duckling phase just fine.
So, if you have successfully learned to let go more; To not have to win or address most of the issues and drama that develop with the older child...how did you do so?
I guess what I am seeing is two part situation. Part 1, is that I need to develop a more peaceful and joyfilled demeanor myself. Part 2, is that I need to allow the children more room to make mistakes and just BE...even if I do not like how they are being in that moment.
Any thoughts?
URGENT prayer request
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
Praying!!!!