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Dandelion

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    A Sunday Chat

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I like donuts but hardly ever eat them (maybe once or twice a year).  My favorites are the glazed chocolate donuts.

     

    Our weekend was ok.  DH has been out of town for five days and I'm super-tired.  Had big plans for some fun activities with the kids this weekend, but we ended up just hanging around the house.  We still had fun - just not the fun I had planned.  

     

    I volunteer with two local nonprofits.  One is an autism nonprofit which I began volunteering with three years ago and of which I'm now the president of the board.  It's a small nonprofit, so the president's role is anything but glamorous.   ;) In addition to serving as president, I run several support group meetings each month, handle support requests we receive via email/phone, speak to local businesses and other groups about autism, etc.  We're an all-volunteer organization and we divvy up whatever needs to be done among us.  The other nonprofit I work with is an animal rescue start-up.  It's an initiative a friend of mine and her mom are starting up, and I'm helping them write their business plan in preparation for seeking funding/grants. 

     

    DH and the kids don't volunteer at this time, but I'm looking for something we can all do together as a family. 

    help/advice - my wild child! (spd? strong willed?)

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I'm talking about my 3rd child, my 2nd son.  He has always been more difficult.  I hate to label him, but...

     

    He's 3.5 years old now.  He has always been very boisterous, a bundle of energy.  He walked at 10 months and basically ran straight away and hasn't stopped!  From 4 months old (I remember it vividly) he became so intense, aware of the world, noticeably cranky that he couldn't do/get what he wanted on his own.  He is so contrary and constantly argues, he is quite verbal and has a good vocabulary, I can understand 99% of what he says, but if you ask him a question his immediate response is always 'NO'.  Always.  Sometimes it comes out as 'NooooooooES' when his brain realises fast enough - we've tested it.

     

    Sounds exactly like my DS when he was that age.  FWIW, he has since been dx'd with Asperger's (with co-morbid SPD/ADHD).  Doesn't mean your DS necessarily fits any of those diagnoses.  He could just be an intense child based on what you've described. 

     

     

    This arguing starts from the minute he wakes up, he nags, whines and just goes on and on and on.  I don't give in very often, but I try to be reasonable.

    He fights with his older brother, screams when he doesn't get his way.  Throws mega tantrums, kicking, screaming, biting, sobbing, I have never seen anything like it before (I have 2 older kids who had their moments but nothing on par with this!)  Other people who have seen him at his worst are at a complete loss.  He does better with strict boundaries and 100% consistency, though he's pretty incessant at testing those boundaries, but he can behave well.  He pushes boundaries harder with some people and in some places (ie. grandparents), he is clever, he knows where the inconsistency can be found.  I think he is quite immature for his age, and has pretty poor impulse control.  He just refuses to comply until he's 100% sure that you mean it and will follow through, and even then he may still refuse.  

     

     

    Consistency is the key.  If you decide to set a boundary, you must stick to it, or the incessant testing will continue.  A book I read a long time ago had an interesting description for kids who incessantly test in this fashion: "aggressive researchers".  Basically, kids who are wired this way will test and test and test until they get a definitive answer regarding the boundary.  That's why consistency is so important, because if the boundary is firm on Monday, but it's flexible on Tuesday, it's confusing to the child.  So he keeps testing.  Makes complete sense when you look at it from that perspective.

     

    IME, it's important to identify the truly important boundaries (e.g. no biting, no hitting, etc. - they'll mostly be safety-related), and become a lot more flexible about other things.  If you have too many rules with a child like this, both you and your child will be exhausted at the end of each day.  And the connection/relationship with your child will suffer from the constant power struggles.  

     

    I'm starting to wonder if there's more going on with him, simply because we're struggling with the same issues over and over.  The current one is toilet training.  Feels like we've been at this forever.  I know he's fairly young still, but he had it!  He's still pretty good with #1, but we're struggling with #2 and he just doesn't care, or get it, or something.  He used to be fine, then he regressed a bit, we were working on it, now he's worse.  This seems to be a bit of a pattern with his behaviour in general, just when I think we've turned a corner it all gets worse again.  About a year ago he was toilet trained, he had figured out that he could get do it on his own (pants off, climb onto toilet etc.) and was happy to go - he likes to be able to do things himself, his way; then he wanted me to help every time, now he just holds on, refuses to go, goes in his pants and ignores it.

     

    We have had quite a bit of stress/upheaval in his lifetime, I'm unsure how much of an effect that might have had.  We've been pretty stable for about a year now though.

     

     

    DS wasn't fully potty-trained until close to age 5, despite our best efforts.  The stress/upheaval you mentioned could certainly have something to do with the regression.  I'd back off on this a bit (just relax about it and follow his lead) and focus on other issues for awhile.  

     

     

    Some other random things that may or may not ring bells for someone:

    He HATES the swing, always has.  Screams.  Sometimes he's happy to try it again but he's terrified.  I think he feels out of control.

    He has always been more sensitive to feeling uncomfortable physically, like wind, teething etc.

    .....he has favourite clothes, when he realised he couldn't wear them all the time (he secrets them out of the washing basket/pulls them off the washing line) he moved to include other similar clothes (stripey).  He does this with food, colours, movies, toys etc.

    He's quite fearless and very capable, climbs, jumps, runs.

    Hated drawing/colouring until the last month or so (this didn't worry me as his older brother was the same)

     

     

    Most of this sounds sensory-related. 

     

     

     

    Anyway, we're exhausted, the whole household.  He can be such a joy, he's got the brightest smile you've ever seen!  He can be very sweet, fun, loving and clever.  I've read SPD checklists and he ticks some of the boxes, not all, so I don't know if that's something to look into further or if there might be something else.  Or just any ideas/tips/books on dealing with a very strong-willed pre-schooler!  I purposely haven't listed what we've tried as I'd like to hear all suggestions with a fresh and open mind!

     

    Thanks!

     

    From what you've described, I would definitely take a closer look at SPD.  A book I found helpful in that regard is "The Out of Sync Child". 

     

    Aside from that, what has been most helpful with DS is putting relationship/connection first, shifting the emphasis from consequences to teaching right behaviors, helping him feel more understood (by acknowledging his perspective/showing empathy), providing more opportunities for exercise/sensory input, giving him more choice/control, avoiding power struggles and saying "yes" more.  It's hard to have a power struggle if mom won't engage.   ;)  

     

    The beauty of all of the above is that these are all shifts parents can make on their own.  They don't require the child's cooperation (although most children will likely respond quickly and positively).  The problem with many "conventional" parenting methods IMO is that they put too much emphasis on *making the child change*.  The reality is that you can't really make your child do anything.   Sure, you can force your will on your child - but the child still chooses how to react.  The only thing you truly have complete control over is your own behavior.  IME it's infinitely more effective and less stressful for everyone when you focus on changes you can make to your approach and behavior, vs. trying to get your child to make changes.  

     

    ETA: We did have DS tested for food sensitivities and made some changes to his diet based on that. Eliminating his reactive foods reduced some of the hyperactivity, sensory issues, aggression, as well as some physical issues.  The changes were more pronounced in the first few months and then leveled off.  While diet changes helped, changing our approach to DS provided greater benefits. 

    Drama

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I agree that meeting with her will not help, and will possibly make things worse.

    Respond to her request with "There is nothing more to discuss", and then be the broken record if she asks again.

    IME this kind of drama only resolves when one of the parties involved leaves the group. You mentioned that she has stopped coming to the meetups. Hopefully it will stay that way. My guess is that she's more likely to stay away if you refuse to meet with her.

    That may sound harsh but I've seen this kind of drama completely tear groups apart before. The vast majority of the time, it was because one or a handful of people *created* drama. When people are inclined to do that, no amount of discussion is going to change anything or restore a healthy group dynamic. In those cases, it's better for everyone involved when the person causing the drama moves on.

    Here's a HWYHT (how would you handle this)

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    1) I'd contact the person who sent the docs and provided the instructions for clarification.

     

    2) If that person wasn't available, I'd contact someone off the phone list of people to contact if there's a question.

     

    3) If I couldn't reach anyone from the phone list, I would call the co-worker that does the same job as me (shouldn't matter that they're in another building - I'm assuming the person can be reached by phone or email).

     

    4) I would contact my supervisor only if all other options had been exhausted. I wouldn't bother any of the co-workers who have different jobs, as I would assume they wouldn't have the answer.

    When to talk to an immature almost 10 year old about growing up?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Instead of giving her the book, how about just using it as a jumping-off point to discuss the topics you think would be helpful to her at this time?  Use it more as a reference/guide for yourself? 

     

    In the book, there's a section about freckles and that you shouldn't think you look funny with freckles. She's probably never given her freckles a second thought! I don't want to hand her this book, have her read it, and then begin wondering and second guessing herself as she looks in the mirror, or wondering if freckles really are strange....when she never has before! .

     

    I've always loved my freckles, but then I never had someone tell me (nor did I read a book that told me) otherwise.   :)  I'd be hesitant to give her a book that could introduce completely irrelevant and unnecessary "issues".

    Making good friends

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Once you have a 'target' - lol - be someone who is genuinely interested in that person. Ask them questions, remember stuff they tell you. Remember to share appropriate info about yourself.

     

    Be hospitable. People appreciate someone opening their home.

     

    Don't take rejections personally. Sometimes its just not meant to be. It doesn't reflect on you.

     

    Once you have a friendship going, keep it going. Do your bit about keeping in touch, supporting her, showing an interest.

     

    Be interesting (OK, I find this hard at times :)) Share an anecdote, a funny story, an interesting news story.

     

    You don't have to be an extrovert or very confident to do the above. I'm an introvert with plenty of friendships built through the above ideas.

     

    If you don't feel confident about initiating friendships, fake it :) Putting yourself out there does carry a risk of looking stupid or rejection, but that doesn't kill you. Loneliness, while safer, is no fun either.

     

    And be patient. Friendships can take months or even years to blossom.

     

    Good luck!

     

    Great advice, especially the bolded IMO.  Keeping in touch is so critical.  While you don't always want to be the one emailing, calling, initiating get-togethers, etc. (one-sided relationships aren't fun) don't always wait for the other person to make the first move either. 

    Making good friends

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Welcome to the boards!    :)

     

    I've found that the best way to make friends is to connect with others around a shared interest.  Do you have a hobby or something you enjoy doing in your spare time?  Are there groups in your area where people connect around that hobby/activity?  I'd start by checking out www.meetup.com, www.groups.yahoo.com, as well as the community boards on www.craigslist.org for your town.   If you're on Facebook, you could also search Facebook groups for your area.

     

    Join a few groups, and just lurk for a bit to get a feel for the groups and how people interact and connect.  If it seems like a group and its members might be a good fit for you, sign up to attend a meetup or get-together, and go from there.  Attend several group get-togethers to start getting to know individual members better.  Group meetups are a great low pressure way to get to know people.  After awhile, you'll likely form a closer connection with some individuals and can then invite someone to join you for coffee or lunch outside the group. 

     

    HTH! 

    ??? About Pediatric sleep study & medication

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

     I casually mentioned that she might have difficulty falling asleep with all of the electrodes on her head (rather jokingly) and the nurse then wrote the prescription. 

     

    I thought the same thing, but DS didn't seem to have that much trouble falling asleep.  However, I didn't sleep a wink all night (I was in a recliner in his room).  I just couldn't relax, with cameras monitoring us and people coming in occasionally throughout the night.  If you'll be spending the night, you might want to take a nap beforehand.   ;)

    MSG free?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    MSG is really difficult to avoid.  If I had to cut out MSG, I'd likely move to a paleo-type diet.

     

    You may already be aware of this, but MSG can be found in more than 40 different ingredients.  Just avoiding foods with "MSG" or "monosodium glutamate" on the label is not enough.  Even many organic foods contain MSG, as an additive to ingredients like "yeast extract", "natural flavoring", "seasonings", etc.   

     

    I actually did a research paper on MSG a few years ago (as part of a health coach training/certification program) and was surprised to learn about the loopholes in FDA regulations that allow MSG to not be listed as an ingredient if it's added to another ingredient and constitutes less than a certain % of the primary ingredient (it's been a few years, so I don't recall the exact %).  Even if a product says "No MSG added", that doesn't mean that it doesn't contain MSG.  You really have to read the actual ingredients and compare them to a list of MSG-containing (or potential MSG-containing) ingredients like the list I linked above. 

     

     

    Have you ever heard of this?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I seriously doubt it. The CPSC and the DoJ seize goods from ports, etc all of the time. But, they don't go knocking on doors and take toys. 

     

    I doubt it too, but since my google-sleuthing turned up a hit on "federal agents seize Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", I thought I'd pass it along.   ;)  

     

    The case summary at the link does mention homes being raided by federal agents in order to seize toys, but those were (I presume) the homes of people being indicted.  Just posted it on the slim chance that the OP might recognize the names of the individuals/businesses involved.  

     

     

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