Only me
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Posts posted by Only me
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I am also looking for ways to provide room for 20 people to sleep. My daughter's college hockey team is stopping on the way to an out of state game. They will only be here for about 10 hours. Two can fit on the sofa sleeper and probably another one on the chaise lounge connected to the sofa sleeper. Then we have two more couches and a love seat so that will provide spaces for 3 more. Other than that I have a cot, a queen size air mattress and a twin size air mattress. That leaves me with 10 to figure out. A few girls supposedly have air mattresses but I'm not sure how many. I am willing to buy a few more air mattresses or some kind of sleeping pad but it needs to be inexpensive. Any ideas?
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Everything we do affects our lives. She is young. If she makes a choice that closes this door, she'll just have to wait for another to open. The best thing that anyone who cares about her can do in this situation is to be available should she need advice later. She is in love or thinks she is, there isn't much that can counter that.
What methods did you use to help her overcome her compulsiveness as a child? Does she have a solid understanding of logic? Did she have instruction on controlling her emotions? Was she evaluated for executive function issues?
She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and Possibly OCD at 14. Really we didn't see much compulsive behavior until more recently. Since she is an adult and won't share with me so I don't know what they are doing in therapy. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been very honest with her therapist as she has also changed the story with other people I know. She is making people think that she has known this boyfriend for 2 years when in fact they were very casual coworkers 2 years ago (never hung out or anything and rarely had the same shift). They kept in very casual contact on Facebook and only started talking in late September. She is telling people that they have been good friends for 2 years. She flew out to see him for 3 days in October and now has decided to move in with him. She hates her current job and misses college life (she just graduated in May). Grass is always greener and all that. I'm just worried that her OCD is not allowing her to think clear and he is also 6 years older than her.
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All the teaching applications I have filled out have explicitly asked if and why you have broken a contract. It does, in my opinion, move you to the absolute bottom of the pile if the reason doesn't meet their (hr &/or principals) expectations.
That's what I'm afraid of. She is young and compulsive and not thinking about future consequences. What if she gets a job in Florida and hates that too or somehow loses it? This could affect her whole life. She doesn't have a good reason except that she is unhappy and wants to be with this boy.
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My dd is 24 and therefore I have no control over what she does. Unfortunately she has been making some bad choices which I won't go into but she wants to move out of state. She is a teacher at a public school and is very unhappy in her job. I thought she would finish the year but just found out through her sibling that she may be planning to leave before Christmas. I know that she had applied for a license in the new state but as of a few days ago she told me she hadn't received yet. She told her sibling that she has been in contact with a possible new employer. Her brother expressed concern about her breaking her contract. She is under the impression that she just wouldn't be able to teach in the same school district again. I've tried to do a little research but can't find anything official. From what I've read she may not ever be able to teach in our state again and it would put a black mark on her records and make it difficult for her to get other jobs. She is moving in with a boyfriend who she has basically just known for about 2 months. He lives out of state so they have actually only spent 3 days together. If this relationship doesn't work out she will have nowhere to live and I feel she is risking a lot. I know she is an adult but I think she is making a terrible mistake. Also I cannot bring this up to her or she will know her sibling told me.
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SO JEALOUS that your supervising drivers can be 18! It's 21 in PA and of course Diamond didn't turn 21 until ten days before Sweet Child was eligible for her road test. >:^( Plus we need 65 hours. And I think that is expected to increase by the time BabyBaby gets her permit.
(Mini rant on weird PA laws... if SweetChild was married and her husband was 18 HE could supervise her driving on her permit, even if he just got his license that day with zero hours practice. Age 18+ does not need any minimum hours to test. But a sibling age 20 with almost five years experience is not good enough. ARRRGH!!!)
Oops I was wrong it is 21. It wasn't an issue for us since my oldest is my worst driver. There is no way I would have had her help her younger siblings.
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In the past 12 months, I have gotten four - FOUR - of my kids licensed.
I am now fully grey headed.
Wow I give you a lot of credit. All 3 of mine took driving lessons but our state requires 50 hours of practice with a parent (or other licensed driver over 18). My dh didn't help at all so that's over 150 hours but they are 3 years apart. My youngest two were good drivers but it was horrible with my oldest. I'm still terrified to drive with her.
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If it's someone's chore to empty the trash, isn't overflowing at least partially their own fault for not taking it out often enough? I don't think I've ever encountered a trashcan in someone's bathroom that was so small it would overflow from one person's menstrual products in less than 24 hours.
It's not his chore! This is a spin off from a post of mine. People somehow have the misconception that it is my son's chore to throw out the garbage. It's not. I was just saying that he is tired of my dd being careless. It's not just a one time thing. She should wrap it up and then throw it away. I don't care who she is sharing a bathroom with it's gross to find a used pad falling halfway out of the garbage or on the floor. How can anyone be ok with that? Again this isn't a one time thing. My son doesn't have any hang ups. He is a mature 18 year old guy. He has lived with two sisters all his life and is used to the bathroom being taken over by makeup, bras etc. I just think in this case she is being inconsiderate.
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So the other thread talking about adult children and cleaning, etc. had a few comments about not making the boys clean up after the girls' monthly trash. Now, I inferred that they otherwise took out the trash...so WHY wouldn't you make the boy take it out during that time of the month? Even if it is overflowing. So what?
Maybe I misread and maybe it was the girls job to do it anyway. But I've noticed that some feel the need to protect boys from the reality of menstruation, and I always wonder why, in the 21st century, that would be the case.
My MIL is like that. She couldn't handle my leaving one pad (unwrapped, of course) in the cabinet under the sink because her SIL (a grown man, married and a father) might open the cabinet and see it. Completely baffled me. But I'm of another generation and another culture, and it was her house, so whatever. Not a big deal.
But I guess that's what made me think about it and decide to ask what I'm missing.
That was my post. I just wanted to clarify a few things. First of all my son is quite used to seeing feminine products, bras, etc. you name it lying around. He has lived with 2 sisters all his life. He is definitely not "protected by the reality of menstruation". I'm sorry if my post was confusing. He is actually quite open with me about that stuff. My son goes to school full time and is in a sport for college. He is also quite busy. We ask him to mow the lawn and during the winter he will do the vacuuming and occasionally other things when we need help. Picking up the trash is not his job. We've asked daughter to take care of the bathroom. It is the ONLY thing we ask of her. She does nothing else around the house. The main reason we want her to clean the bathroom instead of him is that it is 99% her mess. Yes he showers in there but that's it. She has all of her makeup all over the place. She will leave empty shampoo bottles in the shower (he uses a different shampoo). She will get another razor but leave the old one in there. She is also just very sloppy getting ready-toothpaste and makeup all over the place, cloths all over the place. Believe it or not my 18 year old son is tons neater. So this is not a matter of him not taking the trash out during that time of the month. He has taken the trash out several times when that was his job. Right now the bathroom is her responsibility. It's not just about sharing a bathroom with her brother. She shares it with her sister when she is home from college and she is grossed out by it too. She doesn't wrap things that she should wrap. I'm not talking about something accidentally becoming unwrapped. This isn't a one time thing. It happens every month. Sometimes it doesn't even land in the garbage. No one wants to have to pick that up off the floor.
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I definitely don't disagree. However, I will also add that a young twenty something who doesn't keep her home area clean but navigates work successfully is the norm more than an illness. (It's some kind of black hole for a while while they learn to master adulting.... some things they had previously master go backwards while they master other areas and bringing them all successfully together really takes a while longer and it being on their "radar" kwim?)
As for the guy thing - this really could be indicative of a much larger issue. Or it could not. I know an awful lot of women who have put a value on themselves that is flirting driven, sexually driven, power driven, man driven.... take your pick. I am definitely offering advice on my own experience, as I suspect most here do, but I can tell you that devaluing one's self and being involved in a shallow relationships can definitely stream from a misplaced value on yourself and your identity, paired with bad social messages (several years in a sorority.) While I am *ALL* for Christians getting help for depression, bipolar, etc., not all bad choices are rooted in mental disorder. Mom didn't mention a lot of issues while she was growing up, especially in those super hormonal early teen years. These behaviors and values seem to be acquired after time away in a different environment than home. KWIM?
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And I am sorry about your marriage. Is your Dh her dad?
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You didn't say if she is taking meds, but if she is, antidepressants can cause manic or hypomanic behavior in some people. If this were to be the situation, could you call the psychiatrist to report behaviors/symptoms? The dr wouldn't be able to tell you anything without your daughter's consent, but he/she would then be aware that something possibly med-related is going on.
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Yes to this...
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Yes. If mental health is behind the behavioral difficulties, consequences will not be effective at all.
As a parent, this is a really tough situation to be in and there just isn't much you can do.
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I have a 23 yo living at home saving up. He and my 19 yo share a bathroom. I don't mess with their room or bathroom. THey can live like single guy or whatever. I know at some point they will grow up and take care of there own home. So I say don't stress about that. I only make a big deal if we are having company. They will clean up when I ask but I can guarantee you if you tell them like they are children they tend to act like children.
I don't expect them to check in with me except to let me know if they will be home vs staying at a friends or out of town. THey both are good about giving me a text.
Now my youngest sons is dating another college student that also lives at home. Her parents pretty much have the same view. She and her sister help mom out with general stuff like loading the dishwasher but there bathroom and room are there to live like pigs or clean LOL this comes from
My son whoms room is not the neatest says girlfriend is a pig pen so lord that must be nasty LOL
THe kids work, study and have college so I get they are busy and just dont' push it.
Now the op daughter is like my oldest son an independent adult. I know we moms expect things but honestly the best thing you can do is do just row with it and build a relationship adult-to adult.
You dont' tell another adult how to live or guide there actions.
You just have to bite your tnghe and be their for them. They will grow up. I've seen great changes in my older (problem child) He has is finally making more reasonable decisions .. Thank goodness
As for our marriage I'm so sorry you are having issues lord knows my dh and I are figuring out life with just the 2 of us.
The boys live here but have their separate life. I only cook for him and I. I will cook for the boys when they let me know they will be home. THey dont' tell me then they can get their own food !
I've learn to be my sons best friends. They feel open to share anything (I mean anything) I'm glad they can confide in me. They also know I'm a Christian and don't' always agree. But what they do know is I never preach or guilt them. I'm just a wise old lady. ;) They both along with there friends tell me I'm always right after the fact LOL.
I wish I could stop them from doing hurtful stupid stuff but I had to learn the hard way and sadly my oldest son is like me. Thankfully my youngest son is making wise choices.
:grouphug: ​ Middle age life is not for sissy's :willy_nilly:
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It sounds to me like she is not mentally and emotionally stable. A brain that is not functioning properly does not manage organization and other executive function skills well (leading to messy room, bathroom, chores undone...) as well as having impaired decision making skills.
The dating behavior, since it sounds like a significant departure from her past normal, makes me wonder if the depression diagnosis might actually be bipolar (often misdiagnosed as depression). Bipolar II is particularly likely to be misdiagnosed as depression.
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I really appreciate all the help. I've decided to delete the post due to privacy reasons. I am hoping to talk to my therapist tomorrow regarding how I can help her.
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I have several chronic health conditions that cause me a lot of pain. I do not have a job and therefore my husband feels that I should be 100% responsible for the house.
Long story but we have to host about 20 girls from my daughter's college hockey team. It will literally only be about 9-10 hours. They just need to stay here to sleep on the way to a game. Their college is 4 hours away from us and they are playing a a school an additional 8 hours from us. It's going to be a big inconvenience but I've agreed to it because my daughter is one of the drivers. She won't get home from practice until midnight the night before and then has several hours of classes from about 8-4. They are leaving at 4:30 and it will be difficult for her (or any of the drivers) to drive 8+ hours and not get there until 1 am. It will help a lot stopping at our house.
Due to my health problems and lack of help from anyone else, my house is a bit of a mess. I don't mean things like dishes, laundry or the main bathroom and I'm not a hoarder. I mean more like piles of papers that need to be gone through and things like washing windows, floor boards, cobwebs, ceiling fans.
Since we will need to have people sleep on couches I need to spot clean and vacuum those. We also have a sofa sleeper in the basement so now I need to straighten the basement up. It's a mess-mostly from stuff from my college daughter who graduated but she won't have time to help. The basement is also our catch all for things we want to store but since it is hard for me to bend over or lift it isn't very organized. I realize that college kids probably won't care but I'm embarrassed by the mess and it's totally up to me to clean it up.
The biggest thing is our carpets. They need to be shampooed. We have dogs and we spot clean but they need a deep cleaning since some people may have to sleep on the floor. My husband used to do it regularly but ever since I got sick he has stopped doing stuff. He holds it against me that I don't work full time and that I don't keep the house as clean as he wants. Today I asked him if he was going to be able to do it before the kids come and he had a fit saying "your arms aren't broken". I told him I don't Know how to run the machine and asked if he would show me and at least help me move furniture but he refuses.
He said I can just hire someone. The problem is I really just want a few rooms and the stairs done. How does that work? Will I still have to move furniture? We have a piano so I don't even want that moved. Do they have to move it? Can I just keep it there?
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We live near Chicago and I'm a third generation Cub's fan. I still feel like it's a dream. My dad is 82 and I'm so happy that he finally got to see them win. My college daughter is such a big fan and couldn't stand missing watching the game with us. She goes to school in Wisconsin 4 hours away. She left after class yesterday afternoon and for Got home around 7:30. After the game she went with her brother to Dick's Sporting Goods to get t-shirts etc and ended up standing in line for over 2 hours. They didn't get home until after 2. Then she had to leave again at 6:15 this morning for the 4 hour drive back to campus in time for biology lab. In a way I'm glad she is used to lack of sleep due to her insomnia since I was worried about her driving after only 3 hours of sleep but she did fine. I'm so glad we were able to share the moment as a family, although at times I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. My son is thinking about going to the parade and rally tomorrow but they are expecting record breaking crowds. I will be watching it on TV.
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I'm so happy. I'll admit I cried when they won.
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I'm so excited. My dad was 11 last time the Cubs were in world series. His dad was also a Cubs fan and I've been one as long as I can remember. I can't imagine how crazy it is downtown. It's loud enough here in the burbs with the fireworks.
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OK I missed the part where you said you are doing this for Christmas. Or maybe I misunderstood.
I would not tell an unmarried young adult in my family "Dad and I are taking your brothers to xyz for Christmas. You can come too, but you have to pay." I can't imagine telling an unmarried, just starting out young adult she has to pay to spend a holiday with family.
I'd probably pay if she were married too. Being unmarried makes a little worse because it's like she has no family to spend Christmas with.
I apologize if I'm misunderstanding the scenario. As I'm understanding it, I think it is setting the family up for some long lasting hurt.
We were thinking about going over Christmas break not actually over Christmas Day. It wasn't originally going to be a present but I'm thinking about changing it to that since my husband doesn't think we should pay for my daughter since she has a full time job (as of September) My husband will probably be more agreeable if we decide to go as a family Christmas present.
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BINGO.
even if you pay, adult kids have the right to say no.
Of course. That's a given. Normally I think she would be thrilled to go. Our relationship hasn't been the best lately but of course I would ask her if she wanted to go and wouldn't hold it against her If she didn't want to. I want to go to a warm beach over xmas break since we've been talking about it for years but it has never happened. We mentioned the possibility last summer but it was more in passing. Most likely she would want to go but would definitely be hurt if we made her pay. I just don't agree with doing that but my dh can be Stubborn.
When your children move out to you keep their room
in The Chat Board
Posted
When your adult children move out do you let them keep their bedroom? Do you store their stuff? My dd is 24 and moving out permanently out of state yet expects us to keep her room and store her stuff. I want to make sure I'm not being as unreasonable as she thinks I am. We expect her to take everything or find storage. She has boxes full of stuff everywhere from her childhood as well as her time away at college.