What would you do about putting kids back in school?

[Kathy in MD]

I think it's sort of unrealistic to expect an 11 year old to use logic anyway.

 

You're right that, beyond saying I want to do it because of ______ (fill in the blank with a simple reason) an 11yo probably can't be logical and counter act their parents' arguments, if the parent even has a coherent list of reasons why not. And because of that, if it's really, really important to them, they become frustrated and often whine, nag or act out. For which they are often punished and their desires ignored.

 

Our reasons for homeschooling aren't all about logic - a lot of them are emotional too, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think most 11 year olds are more limited that adults in their ability to calmly stick to logical and respectful discussion. There's going to be some emotion. This is his life! The parent is the grown up and needs to keep trying to bring the discussion back to a sold, respectful, thoughtful ground, because the child isn't always going to do that. Part of being an adult ....

 

So I'm not sure. I agree that Father doesn't always know best, but I don't think I have to be perfect to get to be the mother and make some difficult decisions. And I don't think a child should have to perfectly present his case in order to be listened to respectfully.

 

Just being honestly, 100% listened to helps with much of the frustration. And then respond, even if "Let's give it some time. Bring the subject up again in a month if you still want _______, and we'll discuss it and maybe some compromises."

 

Sometimes we probably make bad decisions for our children, and certainly we sometimes give them the choice to make bad decisions for themselves.

 

There's a tough judgement call to make at times. Are our dc acting out because they've learned how to yank our chains, or are they acting out because it's super important to them and we're ignoring them too often, not even trying to make acceptable compromises?

 

Or worst of all, is the "surface" desire covering for a much deeper, real problem? For example, my ds was acting out badly and making racist remarks to my dh and me. It finally came out that his friends were giving him a hard time about being adopted and presumably acting "white" (ds is of a different ethnic group). I gave him a good retort for his friends and he was able to defend himself verbally. The obnoxious remarks stopped almost immediately. ETA So sometimes when we do a knee jerk reaction to rudeness, we're closing out a major problem in our dc's lives. Sometimes we need to dig below the surface to find it.

Edited May 5, 2009 by Kathy in MD