Pathological Demand Avoidance & homeschooling

[Lovinglife234]

I’m starting to learn about this and it explains so much for my child with ASD.  

If your child struggles with this- do you find it harder between you as the mother and your child vs say their dad, or someone else?  It makes sense since I place 90% of the demands on him.  Just Brushing his teeth was a huge ordeal until age 12. 

How do you homeschool your child?  I started mine with power homeschool as a last resort and it’s going really well.  He loves to be independent (needs to be) and having demands from the computer has been much easier for him to accept.  However I would like to know of other options especially for math and LA.

Edited 22 hours ago by Lovinglife234

[maize]

I've always limited making demands on my kids; I was extremely demand avoidant as a child myself (when I read about PDA it all made sense). I like the terminology more often embraced by neurodivergent people: persistent drive for autonomy. That's what it felt like to me as a kid: I HAD to maintain my autonomy. The more pressure someone put on me to do something,  the stronger my need to not do that thing became. Even things I would ordinarily have wanted to do--if someone was trying to make me do them, I developed an intense need to not do them. Think of it as the opposite of what drives some folks to be people-pleasers even if that means neglecting their own needs and desires--their need to do what the other person wants overrides all other motivations. For someone with PDA, the need to not be controlled by someone else overrides all other motivations. That's why consequences tend not to work. 

What can work is collaborating with the child.  You need to position yourself as an assistant, walking beside rather than directing them. You are there to help them achieve their own goals and desires. They need to understand the purpose of something like tooth brushing and choose to do it themself. This can be complicated where executive functioning difficulties exist because the child might in fact want to and intend to do something and still fail to do it; this leaves the parent with the task of figuring out how to scaffold and provide gentle reminders or positive incentives from the position of an assistant/support person--not from a directive position.

People who don't have the complex relationship baggage of a parent can often get away with being more directive,  so if you can off-load teaching to other people that often works better. My family has used a lot of tutors--we've found good quality, inexpensive tutoring by outsourcing overseas to people who live in areas with low cost of living and low wages. A good wage to them is an affordable wage to us. Preply.com is a good source for tutors--it advertises as a language-teaching platform but tutors can offer any subject. My kids have done math, chemistry, coding, voice, cello, violin, and acting lessons with experienced tutors (also languages!)

This is a good book for understanding the basic concept of collaborative parenting:

https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Human-Beings-Collaborative-Partnership/dp/1476723761

[maize]

Teaching textbooks online is a decent math option for a kid who isn't super interested in math. For a math-loving kid, I bought the ebook versions of the Art of Problem Solving series and gave access to a tutor on Preply to work with my child.

[Lovinglife234]

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Edited 4 hours ago by Lovinglife234

[Lovinglife234]

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Edited 4 hours ago by Lovinglife234