Whiny vent not jawm

[Tree Frog]

6 minutes ago, math teacher said:

I'm glad she is cleaning up-that is the only nice thing I saw that they have done. Everything else is incredibly rude, and I would be incredibly angry. In fact, the relationship would probably be broken beyond repair.

She was apparently in tears in tears that I might have it. Family is incredibly important to her. Do just shrugged his shoulders when he told me and said, "what does she expect?" Lol

[Tree Frog]

They've left, all the windows are open and fans on, she washed all the bedding (sheets and blankets), and cleaned and disinfected everything upstairs. 

Thank you for helping me release my anger. 

[Grace Hopper]

4 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

I wasn't sure about being upset about this. In some families, I think it might be normal. 

What’s “normal” for your family is whatever you decide to do. 

4 hours ago, I talk to the trees said:

It may be the way some families behave- so “normal” for that family- but it is still incredibly inconsiderate and totally rude! 

Again, your (nuclear) family, your normal. Decree what you like. 

2 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

I don't really talk to them, so it mostly goes through dh. It's the first time they've done this and it caught us of guard. 

I have asked myself over and over when something like this happens, why don't I say something? The thought at the time never crosses my mind. I know I'm angry (or whatever feeling), but I don't act on it very often. I'm trying to change that, to say what I think, but for some reason, it's difficult for me. 

“Sorry, we aren’t available then.” You do not have to come up with fake excuses and emergency projects and/or lie about it. Because you just don’t, you don’t owe them any explanations about why you can’t have them as houseguests next time. Besides, make up or wrangle up a project and it sounds like bil is the type who’d want a look-see so he can point out all the ways you’re doing it wrong. 

2 hours ago, Tiberia said:

You have the right to be angry and frustrated.

They seem immature and selfish, but not necessarily toxic. They seem difficult and annoying, but not evil.

But, I'd sure make plans in case this ever happens again: I'd have some big craft ready to set up in the empty rooms in case they want to come again unannounced. "Oh, we're repainting all the bookcases right now, so you'll need to stay at a hotel this time." If that's too indirect, just tell them to stay at a hotel because of what happened last time, and you need your space. 

I would try to take the high road, as you have done, unless this becomes a pattern. 

 

Again, don’t waste your time dreaming up excuses. Sorry, that won’t work for us” is all the explanation required. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Tree Frog]

7 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Sorry, we aren’t available then.” You do not have to come up with fake excuses and emergency projects and/or lie about it. Because you just don’t, you don’t owe them any explanations about why you can’t have them as houseguests next time. Besides, make up or wrangle up a project and it sounds like bil is the type who’d want a look-see so he can point out all the ways you’re doing it wrong

If I'm not face to face and have a moment to think, I can respond appropriately. But when when there's a problem f2f (in this case, not masking when they said they would), I get angry, don't show it, but also don't do anything to fix the issue. I guess I don't confront people when I need to. 

Edited January 21, 2023 by Tree Frog

[Katy]

Tears are appropriate for someone who didn’t give a crap about basic sanitation in the days prior. She must recognize that decent people don’t behave this way, so where is the apology?  Even with regret there’s not basic decency. 

[Tree Frog]

5 hours ago, Katy said:

Tears are appropriate for someone who didn’t give a crap about basic sanitation in the days prior. She must recognize that decent people don’t behave this way, so where is the apology?  Even with regret there’s not basic decency.

I started to defend her because she did tell him to back up several times when he came down before she got sick, but ultimately, there were other things they she was a part of, too. I think she did the best she could. 

[Ting Tang]

12 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

I would appreciate other views on this because I really need to change my attitude.

Bil and sil told dh they had purchased airline tickets and would be visiting over the long weekend, arriving Thursday night, departing Sunday. They didn't let us know ahead of time or confirm it was a good time for them to visit. I didn't communicate with them at all during this time. 

They arrived Thursday. We were going to meet at a restaurant before going home. They said bil had a bit of a cough and runny nose, so he wanted to test for Covid before meeting with us. His wife told us in the restaurant he had a fever the night before and they were just getting back from a cruise. He tested positive.

They offered to stay at a hotel, but we said they could stay upstairs like our ds had done when he had Covid. We have 3 bedrooms upstairs, but no one uses them unless the kids are home. We just asked the door stay closed, windows stay open, and that everyone in the house mask. I explain I'm leaving in 2 weeks to help my dd move and am concerned about getting sick and not being able to help her. They decide sil should sleep in a different room to hopefully prevent her from getting sick. We live in south central Texas, so the outside temps are between 55* and 80*. Not unmanageable. 

He has cold symptoms, no big deal, feels fine quickly. Has a hard time staying in his room, but does mask. Insists on loading his dishes in the dishwasher because "it's safer that way", despite me telling him I'd load them. 

They tell us they won't need to change flights since they were heading home on Tuesday anyway. (We thought they were leaving Sunday.)

On Sunday, she gets sick enough to not keep anything down until Wednesday. He takes care of her. She stays in the room with the door closed. Dh takes time off work on Tuesday, but returns to work for the rest of the week. I continue to work. They all eat outside Wednesday and Thursday nights. I had classes on zoom both nights, so didn't have much to do with them and didn't eat with them. 

Friday she's back to normal and cleans her room and vacuums. She's moving back to bil's room.

I come home from work Friday. They're both sitting downstairs, watching TV. No masks and all the windows had been closed. They mask when they see me, so it's clear they aren't masking in the house, but know that I prefer they mask. 

They eat upstairs and dh and I eat outside because they thought it was too cold to eat outside. It was about 60*. We play cards, everyone masked. While we're playing cards, they say that don't know how they got Covid. I said I thought it was because they were on a cruise likely without good ventilation. They laugh at me and tell me how careful they were being and all the times they spent outside. They only went to a show and ate inside and there were very few people in the rooms when they were inside. I didn't follow up with asking how well ventilated those rooms were. When they start laughing at me or mocking me, I stop participating in the conversation. 

Today I woke up with a backache, headache, some sniffles. The backache and sniffles are normal. I occasionally wake up with a headache, but it's not common. I tested negative and have no fever. 

So I'm now isolating at dh's request. 

I need perspective. Bil is a doctor who knows everything and pretty much ignores other opinions unless he personal can understand and agree with them. One of four conversations I had with him this visit was about why I'm being certified as a teacher installing of continuing to be a sub. I explained I wanted something a little more fulfilling, that I really enjoyed both the school and class and I have the opportunity to keep the class I'm currently teaching. He asked how much more I'd be making as a teacher (told him about double what I'm making now), then again asked why I'm doing the certification and whether we needed the money. I explained we don't need the money, I'm doing it for personal reasons. I think I repeated personal reasons to his why's two more times before I ended the conversation. Another conversation was about the kitchen light that was flashing like a disco ball. I removed it from the socket and left it on the counter while we were playing cards. After cards, he commented we should use led lights. I told him we'd tried them and didn't like them. He said they were less expensive. I said they were too bright. He said they lasted longer. His wife stepped in at that point and agreed they were bright. 

I'm angry I can't use my house for a second weekend, I'm angry they didn't follow the protocols dh asked them to follow so I wouldn't get sick, I'm angry that the things I perceive as important are laughed at or ignored, mostly by bil. (Regarding the getting sick: I realize I could've picked up something from school. I wasn't masking prior to their visit. I think I'm just frustrated that I couldn't sit and eat or drink anywhere in my house except my bedroom, without masking. Dh goes to bed between 730 and 830, so after he went to bed I either went outside to drink or sat in my car. After 9 hours of work and 3 hours of class, I didn't want to sit and visit. I wanted to drink the water I couldn't during the day because masking, but my home wasn't a safe space.)

Tell me if I'm being unreasonable in my frustration. I really need to let go of my anger as it's not productive. Typing this out has helped. 

The good thing is that I don't have to interact with them anymore before they leave tonight. 

I was ticked by your second paragraph! in my head I have called them bad names. Hope you feel better soon and that it doesn’t evolve. 

[Tree Frog]

7 hours ago, Ting Tang said:

I was ticked by your second paragraph! in my head I have called them bad names. Hope you feel better soon and that it doesn’t evolve. 

Thank you. I'm testing again this morning, but yesterday I was negative.