What kind of problem is this?

[Pam H]

I am in a quandry, ladies. I really don't know if I'm dealing with a combination of puberty and testosterone poisoning <ha> with character flaws or if this is an issue with my younger son.

 

My 9.5 yos is annoying my older three boys. Not just a little, but to the point of destroying my 9yo's self esteem. He has been attacked so severely by his older brothers that I have honestly considered sending him to the ps.

 

I have talked and talked to the older three. They see the error of their ways and can't seem to help themselves. It's not a joint effort, it is individualized contact. But, it is across the board! None of them can "stand" his comments or presence. This makes me so sad.

 

The younger ds has always been highly intelligent. He knew his abc's by 18mos, etc. He seemed to change overnight right at K (his MMR shot? - I think) All of a sudden he was very clingy and sensitive. He required schedules and rituals. He wants to fit in in every way. He cannot bear to be wrong about anything. He tries to be "as old" as his brothers and other boys his brothers' ages.

 

So, what am I dealing with? What would you do?

[Laurie4b]

Having a housefull of boys, I do recognize some aspects of your situation. It seems they do go through a time of finding another "buck" that they can put in place. Younger brothers fill the need perfectly. While I think it's normal, I don't think it's right, KWIM? So part of the issue is an issue of training older brothers into "using your strength to serve those who are weaker" (one of dh's lines). Like all training, it's a long-term process.

 

As to your younger son, how does he do with peers? If he has friends his own age and gets along well with them, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he has an issue because of the alpha dog stuff with the older brothers. However, he, too, might need training in how you "fit in" as a younger person with older kids. There may be some limits he needs to accept. It's part of life. You can't always be part of the "in" group in the way you want to.

[Misty]

I am going through a similar situation here. My 5-year-old daughter has Asperger's and she is so annoying to her older 2 sisters. She drives them insane! She is constantly bouncing off the walls, talks way too loudly, acts out aggressively, etc. etc. I have daydreamed about sending the older two to public school just so they don't have to be around her all day (and so I can work more one on one with the youngers). But I have explained to them about her condition (the oldest has Asperger's too, but we haven't told her.. she is very high-functioning) and I have to constantly remind them of why she behaves this way. They think she is spoiled because she screams over every little issue. She borders on classic autism and Asperger's so she is very high-needs and very difficult to live with.

 

But anyway, I know what you are going through. Mine have started getting into physical fights with each other for the first time in their lives. It usually starts because the younger Aspie is being aggressive and the older ones just end up fighting back. They usually just argue, but the physical fights have happened a few times. It's usually my two Aspies who are fighting together. My oldest Aspie has such rigid thinking that she will never admit that she is wrong about anything, even if it is obvious to everyone. She has very rigid routines and thinking patterns that she will NOT betray for anything. So she is difficult in that area. But like your children, my older ones do see the error of their ways, but they just cannot help themselves (especially the oldest Aspie.. she has major impulse control issues).

 

And just to let you know, from what you describe with your youngest son, he does sound very Aspieish... The fact that he is so smart and learned things early, and the fact that he needs rituals and schedules, is sensitive and clingy, and also with the rigid thinking that he cannot be wrong.. Those are all things Aspies do! Have you had him evaluated? I'm wondering.. Does he have any type of obsesssion? My 5yo Aspie has only played with dinosaurs for the past 3 years (well, mostly, she is branching out some now). And my 11yo Aspie is obsessed with reading and also writing books. She spends every spare second at the computer working on current writing projects. She is a gifted writer and wants nothing more than to be published. Her verbal IQ is very high, which is very common with Aspies.

 

Hope this is helpful in some way.