Declining Student Resilience - has this article been discussed yet?

[TranquilMind]

I talked through several scenarios with my 16 yo daughter and asked what she would do. Then I told her how some kids responded. She was astounded that some kids would respond in the ways that they did, but then said, "It makes sense. Parents need to teach their kids that they can fail. Our society doesn't do that. It says 'good job' no matter what and always tells you that 'you can do it! You can do anything!' We're lied to all the time."

 

Wow.

 

As some have posted--I too have tried to prep my kids for independent life, how to get help or deal with things, how work/tests/papers/deadlines work in college (and in "real life)--I want them to know they have resources to call on, and that they can always call me, but also want to build in them as many tools as possible so they would feel able and capable of dealing with things on their own more and more. My goal has always been to walk alongside rather than do it for them. To model if needed, to act as coach if needed, to get out of the way if needed. I often do things like ask them "what's your plan for _____" (whether the blank is getting a bigger chore done, studying, writing, handling a certain situation...). I want them to be very used to handling things but to also be able to get helpful feedback if they are out of ideas or if they need a gap filled in here and there in their plan. 

 

It makes me sad that there is a growing number of people who don't feel ready to handle the challenges of college life or outside the home. 

 

(snip)

 

Ha! Great idea. I asked my 16 yo dd what she would do for several of the scenarios. I thought most of her answers showed a lot of maturity, but she did crack me up over the mouse one--"I'd call animal control. You should never handle a mouse on your own. Or I'd call the landlord." LOL, I think the first part was years of Animal Planet speaking vicariously through her! Cracked me up! In her defense, we've been lucky and never had mice, so she's not familiar with dealing with them--she did much better with the failing grade and mean-spirited roommate scenarios. I did say calling the landlord was a good idea (he/she should probably know), but that they could also go to the store and just pick up some mouse traps. 

 

 

Yes, my son was a bit surprised at the "switch" that flips on that 18th birthday. One day parents have to know and sign for everything, the next day parents are not allowed to know unless the 18 yo authorizes it and the 18 yo has to know what to do! 

Wow, Merry...that is eye-opening, on the part of your daughter.     We all need to tell our kids that the world doesn't give a rip or think you are special.  You are going to have to make things happen, not wait for things to happen. 

 

Ha ha.  Mouse control.    I wish they had mouse control.  But, as you say, it is called D-con pellets that you get at Lowe's.  ;)

 

I must confess that when I DID have a mouse that got crushed under my stove and squealed all night, I did leave a terrified message with lots of exclamation points on the connecting door for the landlord, but he lived upstairs!  He came and took it away.  Ugh. 

[TranquilMind]

I have really different thoughts about this...

 

For one thing, I began parenting determined that my kids weren't going to be those dreaded, entitled "praise junkies" that everyone was talking about. I was only going to give specific, grounded praise. I was going to be willing to tell them from the get go that they had messed up sometimes.

 

Well, it was a mistake. At least, I now think it was a mistake. One of my ds has turned out incredibly anxious and while I think a huge part of that is genetic (dh also has depression and anxiety and ds is a lot like him, amplified a bit), I also think I exacerbated the problem when he was younger by not reassuring him that he was just generically "good enough" for the world. As I discovered a couple of years ago, he never really felt like he was smart or kind or handsome or any of those basic things. Because I never said that stuff when he was really little. As it turns out, telling a kid that his picture has nice lines doesn't help him believe he can be an artist. Telling him that he did a good job sharing a specific toy doesn't help a kid know he's a nice kid. He has an almost complete lack of self-confidence. And, hey, no resilience. I'll just be honest. His resilience is the pits.

 

So now I spend a lot of time on that generic, you are special kind of message. And getting him to say that stuff to himself. Stuart Smiley... I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. And I wish I'd done it from the moment he was born. And people who think it's giving him special snowflake syndrome can basically go stuff it.

 

However, I'm also a proponent of free time and giving kids more independence. I see that when my kids do things that are independent that they feel good and I try to make more opportunities for it. But I also know that it's hard to create those sometimes.

 

When I was in middle school, my mother went back to grad school and basically relinquished a HUGE amount of the parenting. She stopped doing daily cooking, she stopped being around, she never took me anywhere (you want to go, sure, find a ride because I'm not coming for you), she stopped doing much of the cleaning. She told me, this is now all on you. But on the other hand, she was incredibly emotionally available to me. She always supported my ideas and dreams and all that stuff. And she told me a lot how grateful she was that I was such a great kid, who would cook for myself and my little brother, do the grocery shopping, clean up the living room, etc. And I saw that she really couldn't do those things - she was working and in school and we were just scraping by and I knew all that. So I felt important. And it gave me a huge amount of independence.

 

I don't know how you recreate that. I mean, my kids can see that I *do* have time to do the dishes and cook dinner. I have instituted things for them to do, but they often feel like a lot of work to get off the ground. Don't get me wrong... it's work worth doing and all... but I can't just recreate that situation for my kids, as much as I think that odd balance of love and support and forced work helped me become a responsible, resilient adult.

I think you can do both.  You can assure a kid he is wonderful and perfect because he is YOUR kid, and also ground him in reality. 

 

My kid washed the dishes the other night (the big ones that won't fit in the dishwasher) just because.  I almost fell over.  It sinks in after 3,203,348,237 repetitions that we all live here and we all work here.  ;)

 

Stuart Smiley...heh heh. 

[TranquilMind]

But my point was that there are degrees. I left for college in another state when I was 18. My father paid my tuition and loans. My mother came up one weekend and bought lamps and new sheets for my dorm room. I worked, but the summer I lived with my boyfriend, my father also paid for my summer classes. When I graduated, I lived at home for a few months before getting my first apartment with dh (pre-h status). We got jobs and paid rent, but our parents and grandparents would give us money for birthdays and Christmas gifts. We got married a year later and they gave us money and dishes and furniture and so forth and helped pay for the wedding. Dh's parents gave us cars they were finished with for years instead of trading them in. A couple of times when we needed a loan, we got one from parents instead of taking out from the bank.

 

There's a HUGE gap between, bye, you're on your own at 18 and, I'll finance your entire life. Our parents never paid our rent or bought us a new car or paid for a trip or anything, but money they gifted us periodically for "Christmas" did help buy that stuff. And I believe the vast majority of families pay for some elements of a child's life well into their 20's and even 30's sometimes through gift money, used furniture and cars, payment for education, and other basic stuff.

Nothing wrong with gifts, anytime.

It's expectations of gifts that are the problem.