Wording: "Ground Rules" for overbearing in-laws

[jljohn]

I've not read all the responses to this question, but here are my thoughts:

 

First, if I read you correctly, your in-laws stayed 6 weeks in the spring and are staying 6-8 weeks in the fall. That is 3 to 3.5 months this year, and all of that fell/will fall during the school year. That's half of your school year. In a way, this is the big issue here. I might feel the need to talk about guidelines or schedules if family visited for two or three weeks a year, but when you shift to two or three months, I think that establishing guidelines and schedules is crucial.

 

Next is how you do it. We don't know your family situation or your past attempts at such a thing, but in most situations, I'd imagine it would be best coming from your husband (or from both of you together). Unless specific enumeration of rules is necessary, trying to get them to see and get on board with the big picture (nutrition, education, healthy habits, responsibility, etc) will be much softer, more palatable, and more effective. Only you can know what the right approach is though.

 

Finally, in regard to your listed rules, it sounds to me like you may be trying to 'overstate' the rules to give yourself a bit of a buffer zone. Could you try, in your own mind, to identify what you really want and find ways to get your in-laws to partner with you in achieving those goals? For example, you may not actually want to limit your child's time with grandparents during the day; instead you may just be wanting to protect education time. Are there ways the grandparents can be involved from time-to-time--helping the kids with the chores, taking them on educational field trips, listening to their reading and taking down their narrations, reading dictations, etc? Similar thing can be done when it comes to nutrition. Let them make fruit smoothies together. Send the grandparents and kids to the market/farm stand to load up on whatever is fresh (and maybe don't fret too much if a little ice cream is snuck on the side.) Now maybe your in-law would be resistant to all such attempts to bring them alongside, and then you may have to fall back to the list of forbidden acts, but I'd want to give them a chance to partner with you in achieving your goals for your kids.

 

I hope this helps!

 

Jeremy

 

(D-6, S-5, D-1)

Edited August 31, 2012 by jljohn

[Sun]

I can definitely understand the desire to set some limits. I agree that the tone of the list is too harsh, though, and it would make me feel very, very uncomfortable to be handed a list like that. I think you can say the same things but make the tone much more friendly and collaborative, which might make them feel more cooperative.

 

You certainly need to restrict the snacks with the behavior that you've seen in the past! However, it sounds like your in-laws were really trying to be accommodating (going back to buy new "healthier" snacks--even though they weren't any healthier, they did try). Would they perhaps be amenable to a list of healthy snacks? This could include fruit, vegetables, pre-packaged items listed by brand and type, etc. Then perhaps you could mention in the note that you know they were also surprised and upset by how the kids reacted at meals last year, and you're sure that they want to avoid a repeat this year. Maybe they would be willing to have a few special snacks that they dole out once or twice a week, leaving the rest of the snacks either to you or off of the pre-approved list?

 

I also agree that it would be best if your DH could talk to them, but I can also see the benefit of having a printed list for them to refer to. I would really work hard at making it friendly, though. Here's a quick version of what I might try if it were my in-laws:

"Welcome! We're really excited to have you here over the holidays this year! We want to make your stay as comfortable as possible, so please let us know if you need anything.

 

Last year we loved having you here, and the kids were very excited to be able to see you all the time. However, we noticed that they had some trouble handling the changes in food and bedtimes. We know that you also noticed the behavior challenges that popped up, and we're thinking that if we all work together, we can help make this year's visit even better, especially in regards to keeping things consistent for the children while still having fun together.

 

We know you love to have snacks for the children, but it can also cause problems for them at mealtimes. Here's a short list of ideas for snacks that are OK for them in the afternoons (or whenever you do snacks). If you have ideas for things that aren't on the list, would you please check with us first? That helps us avoid undermining each other and helps us present a united front to the kids!

 

Food Ideas:

Vegetables with dip

Fresh fruit slices

Etc.

 

We know that it's the grandparents' job to spoil the kids, but with such a long visit, we hope you won't mind restricting other snacks to once or twice per week, preferably on the weekends when school isn't an issue!

 

Bedtimes are another tricky area for us. On short visits, we can let bedtimes slip a bit, but when the kids are lucky enough to get a long visit like this one, we really need your help in holding firm to bedtimes. We all know what happens when they don't get enough sleep! Lights out is x:00, and baths and story all need to start by x:15 to be sure that bedtime can happen on time. We'd really appreciate it if you can help us hold the line on this. We all know how hard it can be when the kids are excited, but it's important for their health and behavior!

 

School is an important part of their daily schedule, and it helps us all if we can keep on a more-or-less typical schedule. We've worked our schedule to keep all of our afternoons free, so that the kids can go on outings with you and have special time then! We've also scheduled a week off for Christmas and for Thanksgiving. The boys are looking forward to doing lots of fun things with you, but we really need to all work together to help keep them on a good school schedule too.

 

We're really working on presenting a united front to the boys. It can be really confusing to them to have what sometimes seems like two sets of authority figures around. We're really glad you can be here to help guide them, but as parents, we need them to still look to us for discipline and for the final word on questions. We know that sometimes how we handle things is not how you would do so, but it's what we've figure out over time that works for our family, and it's hard on all of us if the boys get mixed messages from you and from us! Please let us handle things in our own way (but let us know privately if you think there's a serious question!).

 

Again, welcome! We think this will be a great visit, and we're all thrilled to have you here!

 

Love,

 

DH and Rgrin

 

 

 

[Mrs. Lilac]

I agree with the folks who have said 1) this needs to be a conversation and not a printed list and 2) this needs to be addressed with your KIDS as well as the in-laws. I agree the in-laws should honor you, but if the kids are eating stuff they KNOW they have no business eating at times they KNOW they have no business eating it, that's a huge deal.

[birchbark]

Yes, way too long. Maybe the boundary that needs to be set is more about how long they can stay. I could never handle a visit that long. I would imagine that no set of rules could possibly prevent it from being disruptive. Honestly with the list you posted I think you and ILs are are too different to spend that long living in such a close proximity to one another. It sounds like a family feud just waiting to happen.

 

:iagree: