Constructive Criticism please. 6th grade

[Heather in WI]

My 6th grader had to take notes from four reference sources, write an outline, and then write a paper. The assignment is from Rod & Staff grade 6 lesson 56, but rather have him write about "The Body of an Alligator" {grin}, I assigned "The Life of John Calvin" as we're currently studying the Reformation in history. Writing is the area that I feel least comfortable teaching. Please help! :)

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

John Calvin’s Life

 

John Calvin was born in Noyon, France in the year 1509 A.D. His father was a very wealthy man. John had three or four brothers and sisters in his family. He was the second child. His father wanted him to become a priest in the Roman Catholic Church, so when John was twelve years old, he went to study classics at the University of Paris. Before long, his father had an argument with the bishop and he didn’t want John to become a priest any longer. His father then sent his son to Orleans to study law. Tragically, John’s father died in the year 1531 A.D, so John was able to do what he wanted.

 

After his father’s death, John decided to go back to the University of Paris. While in Paris, he experienced what he called a “sudden conversionâ€. He was surprisingly converted to the Protestant faith in 1533 A.D! His father wanted him to study law, but God in his sovereignty had his own plan in mind. After he became a Protestant, he helped his friend, Nicholas Cop to write a speech against the Roman Catholic Church. King Francis I demanded that these two “heretics†be arrested. John had to leave Paris disguised as a farmer!

 

John and Nicholas fled to Basel, Switzerland in 1534 A.D. While he was in Basel, he wrote a book called Institutes of the Christian Religion. This wasn’t his first book, however. When he was in Orleans for the second time, he wrote a commentary on a book by Seneca. He also helped a person translate the Bible in Basel. After spending a year in Basel, he wanted to move to Strassburg. But getting there was a little bit of a problem. There was a war going on between Francis I and Charles V, so John planned to stay just one night in Geneva.

 

While he stayed in Geneva, another Reformer was there whose name was William Farel. William begged John to stay and help him bear-witness the people. John couldn’t bear to decline. So instead of staying just one night, he ended up staying over two years. The people who didn’t want John and William to stay were called Libertines. Eventually, the Libertines won the heart of the Geneva council and they booted John and William out of Geneva in 1538 A.D.

 

William and John moved to back to Basel for a short period of time, and then moved to Strassburg. At Strassburg, John became a pastor to eager people willing to hear God’s Word. John felt comfortable there because most of the people spoke French, which was his native language. Before long John married a woman named Idelette. He needed a person to watch over him and to encourage him. John often stayed up through the night preparing sermons for the next week!

 

In 1541 A.D. the Geneva Council wanted John Calvin to come back. When John got this letter, he sat down and thought about it. After a while, he decided to go. When he arrived at Geneva, he was welcomed with a thunderous applause. When he settled in, he preached over two hundred sermons a year! John also organized a Sunday school class for the young ones. He stayed until he died on May 27, 1564.

----------------------------------------------------------------

[ErinE]

I think it's a good paper. There's variation in the sentence structure, logical flow to the information, and smooth transition between paragraphs. There's lots of red below, but my comments are intended to polish the paper. I hope this helps!

 

 

 

 

John Calvin’s Life

 

 

 

 

[It would be nice to have a bit more introduction to John Calvin. Why is he important and why would a reader want to learn more about him? I might briefly mention it would be nice to have a "hook" to the paper like: "The theologian John Calvin had a profound influence on the Prostestant reformation, but he nearly ended up a lawyer."

 

John Calvin was born in Noyon, France in the year 1509 A.D. His father was a very wealthy man. John had three or four brothers and sisters in his family. He was the second child. [There are four sentences in a row in subject-verb form. I'd recommend combining the two sentences about John's family, making sure it doesn't start subject-verb] His father wanted him to become a priest in the Roman Catholic Church, so when John was twelve years old, he went to study classics at the University of Paris. Before long, his father had an argument with the bishop[,~ Add comma. Two independent clauses] and he didn’t want John to become a priest any longer. His father then sent his son to Orleans to study law. Tragically, John’s father died in the year 1531 A.D, so John was able to do what he wanted. [This is as a personal bug, but the phrase "do what he wanted" bothers me. Perhaps find a more stylish way of saying it? Something like "pursue his own interests."]

 

[i can't reference a particular style, but I don't think A.D. needs to be continued throughout the paper. Once indicated at the beginning, it's understand. In fact, I would leave it out the A.D. reference as it's understood to be A.D.]

 

After his father’s death, John decided to go back to the University of Paris. While in Paris, he experienced what he called a “sudden conversion[. ~ period should be inside the quotations]” He was surprisingly converted to the Protestant faith in 1533 A.D! His father wanted him to study law, but God in his sovereignty had his own plan in mind. After he became a Protestant, he helped his friend [remove commas as Nicholas Cop is a specific friend] Nicholas Cop to write a speech against the Roman Catholic Church. King Francis I demanded that these two “heretics” be arrested. John had to leave Paris disguised as a farmer! [style~ can a more dramatic verb be used than "had to leave." Maybe fled or escaped. The thesaurus is great help here.]

 

John and Nicholas fled to Basel, Switzerland in 1534 A.D. While he was in Basel, he wrote a book called Institutes of the Christian Religion [Who wrote? John? Suggested fixes: Change first sentence to "John fled with Nicholas" or change "he" in the second sentence to "John."]. This wasn’t his first book, however. When he was in Orleans for the second time, he wrote a commentary on a book by Seneca. He also helped a person translate the Bible in Basel. After spending a year in Basel, he wanted to move to Strassburg. But getting there was a little bit of a problem. There was a war going on between Francis I and Charles V, so John planned to stay just one night in Geneva.

 

While he stayed in Geneva, another Reformer was there whose name was William Farel. William begged John to stay and help him bear [remove hyphen] witness [to] the people. John couldn’t bear to decline ["Bear" is used in two adjoining sentences. To the thesaurus!]. So instead of staying just one night, he ended up staying over two years. [The transition between this sentence and the next is too abrupt. Maybe just a bit more about the Libertines to understand why they wanted Calvin gone.] The people who didn’t want John and William to stay were called Libertines. Eventually, the Libertines won the heart of the Geneva [C~ capitalized later in the paper]ouncil and they booted John and William out of Geneva in 1538 A.D.

 

William and John moved to back to Basel for a short period of time, and then moved to Strassburg. At Strassburg, John became a pastor to eager people willing to hear God’s Word. John felt comfortable there because most of the people spoke French, which was his native language. Before long John married a woman named Idelette. He needed a person to watch over him and to encourage him. John often stayed up through the night preparing sermons for the next week!

 

In 1541 A.D. the Geneva Council wanted John Calvin to come back. When John got this letter, he sat down and thought about it. [Just a smidge more here. Did he like Strassburg? Was he worried about his reception in Geneva?] After a while, he decided to go. [style~ "after a while" is so general. I think if the reason for Calvin's consideration is added, a better transition could be used to reveal the outcome] When he arrived at Geneva, he was welcomed with a thunderous applause. When he settled in, he preached over two hundred sermons a year! [both sentences start with "when"] John also organized a Sunday school class for the young ones. He stayed until he died on May 27, 1564.

 

[Heather in WI]

ErinE,

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am grateful for your detailed help. :)

 

Heather