essay on Teddy Roosevelt from my 8th grader, any comments would be welcome.

[jenniferlee]

Naturalists are some of the most amazing people in the world as they help the rest of the world understand the beautiful things around them. There have been many great naturalists through history, including John Muir, Audubon and Thoreau. These people have tried to teach the general public to respect nature, to preserve it and keep it beautiful and healthy for the generations to come. But one man in particular has made a huge impact on America, as well as other parts of the world. That man was Theodore Roosevelt (Teddy, to most, though he disliked that nickname). Teddy Roosevelt was one of the greatest naturalists in American history.

 

As a child, Teddy would spend hours looking for animals and plants to study. He performed all kinds of experiments on his specimens; the cook found dead woodchucks boiling on her stove, snakes in the water pitcher and assorted insects and arachnids in various places. Teddy loved to watch animals for hours, and record every noticeable thing about them. He measured and weighed each thing carefully, then wrote it all down in a very scientific-looking note book.

 

When Teddy was married, working in an office, and very bored, he still had the heart of a true naturalist. He would dream of going to the Wild West, hiking, camping, hunting and most of all, recording everything he saw. In September of 1883, he left for buffalo hunting in the Dakota Territory. He hired a guide, and said he wouldn't leave until he had killed a buffalo! Teddy fell in love with the beautiful landscape of the area, called the "Bad Lands." The sky was so big, the strange buttes and piles of rocks were amazing to look at. This was one of the areas that would later be included in the National Parks Project.

 

By the time Teddy became Vice-President of the United States, he was a very busy man, but he always found time for a hike with his children, a trip to the mountains to see the wildlife, or a jolly boat ride down the river. He was high up on a mountain, with a few friends, when the telegram came from Washington that he must come immediately, for McKinley had been shot. It took ten hours of hiking to get back down, and then another several hours to get to the hospital. By then, the president had died. Teddy Roosevelt was President of the United States of America.

 

During his presidency, Teddy declared the first five National Parks, 150 National Forests, and 55 bird and game reserves. He also set aside eighteen National Monuments, including the Grand Canyon, where he loved to go mountain lion hunting, and California's Muir Woods. These places have been loved and treasured by Americans for more than a century. Yellowstone alone receives millions of visitors from all over the world each year.

 

Roosevelt's love for nature and wildlife endeared him to his country, as well as other parts of the world. He was invited to speak at conservation confrences, and other gatherings. In 1965, when the National Wildlife Federation established a Conservation Hall of Fame, Theodore Roosevelt was in first place, while John Muir was second, and Audubon, fifth. Throughout his lifetime, Teddy was enthralled with nature and the recording of it. Teddy Roosevelt truly was among the greatest naturalists in American History.

[ErinE]

I think it's a good essay for her age. There's development of the information and the writing style is engaging. It appears to me she found the topic interesting. One issue I found throughout the essay was the overuse of superlatives "most, greatest, amazing, very." My comments are going to be more style than content.

 

Naturalists are some of the most amazing people in the world as they help the rest of the world understand the beautiful things around them. [i think a more restrained definition would be better. What do naturalists do? They observe and report on nature. Why do they do it? To further understanding and respect for nature] There have been many great naturalists through history, including John Muir, Audubon and Thoreau [Another stylistic comment, but if John Muir is the full name, I'd add the full name of Audubon and Thoreau]. These people have tried to teach the general public to respect nature, to preserve it and [added to preserve parallel structure] to keep it beautiful and healthy for the generations to come. But one man in particular has made a huge impact on America, as well as other parts of the world. That man was Theodore Roosevelt . Teddy Roosevelt was one of the greatest naturalists in American history. [I'd recommend combining these sentences as it spreads over three sentences what could be said in one. I pulled out the nickname sentence and would recommend it go somewhere in the paragraph below if necessary.]

 

(Teddy, to most, though he disliked that nickname) As a child, Teddy would spend hours looking for animals and plants to study. He performed all kinds of experiments on his specimens; the cook found dead woodchucks boiling on her stove, snakes in the water pitcher and assorted insects and arachnids in various places. Teddy loved to watch animals for hours, and record every noticeable thing about them. He measured and weighed each thing carefully, then wrote it all down in a [very] scientific-looking notebook. [remove very]

 

When Teddy was married, working in an office, and very bored, he still had the heart of a true naturalist. He would dream of going to the Wild West, hiking, camping, hunting and most of all, recording everything he saw. In September of 1883, he left for buffalo hunting in the Dakota Territory. He hired a guide, and said he wouldn't leave until he had killed a buffalo! Teddy fell in love with the beautiful landscape of the area, called the "Bad Lands." The sky was so big, the strange buttes and piles of rocks were amazing to look at. [This sentence has the feel of an incomplete thought. Perhaps combined with the sentence before it could be: "Teddy considered the landscape, called the "Bad Lands," with its big sky, strange buttes, and rock piles among the most beautiful in America." Only if true of course!] This was one of the areas that would later be included in the National Parks Project.

 

By the time Teddy became Vice-President of the United States, he was a very busy man, but he always found time for a hike with his children, a trip to the mountains to see the wildlife, or a jolly boat ride down the river. He was high up on a mountain, with a few friends, when the telegram came from Washington that he must come immediately, for McKinley had been shot. It took ten hours of hiking to get back down, and then another several hours to get to the hospital. By then, the president had died. Teddy Roosevelt was President of the United States of America.

 

During his presidency, Teddy declared the first five National Parks, 150 National Forests, and 55 bird and game reserves. He also set aside eighteen National Monuments, including the Grand Canyon, where he loved to go mountain lion hunting, and California's Muir Woods. These places have been loved and treasured by Americans for more than a century. Yellowstone alone receives millions of visitors from all over the world each year.

 

Roosevelt's love for nature and wildlife endeared him to his country, as well as other parts of the world. He was invited to speak at conservation confrences [remove ,] and other gatherings. In 1965, when the National Wildlife Federation established a Conservation Hall of Fame, Theodore Roosevelt was [voted/nominated/deemed? more specific] in first place, while John Muir was second, and Audubon, fifth.Throughout his lifetime, Teddy was enthralled with nature and the recording of it. Teddy Roosevelt truly was among the greatest naturalists in American History.

[jenniferlee]

Thank you!

Yes, she does overdo the adjectives. She speaks like that. It's hard to get it out of her writing. The overly enthusiastic 14 yo... Everything is "extremely amazing":D

I really appreciate your comments. I will go over your suggestions with her.

 

thanks again,

Jen

[Roxy Roller]

Jen, do you mind me asking what writing programs you have used up until this point? Your daughter's writing is impressive.

[deeinfl]

Jen, do you mind me asking what writing programs you have used up until this point? Your daughter's writing is impressive.

 

:iagree:

 

I was about to ask the same thing. I love that she had a topic sentence and a clincher/closing sentence in each paragraph.