mazakaal Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Ds was supposed to write a paragraph 'about some type of fire' for LL8, and this is what he came up with. It's a first draft, took him about 10 minutes to jot down, and I know has some grammatical errors, but I thought that it was absolutely amazing. I've always felt that he has a gift with words. Tell me honestly, do you see potential here? "I feel like I am lacking fire in my heart such as another man lacks food in his belly. For there is nothing pushing me on, there is no goal in my life. My life is lacking meaning, a purpose," Frank thought to himself as he stared at this cold, empty room. But soon he would meet a woman, a woman who would give his life purpose again, who would give his heart fire once more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 I like it! It definitely makes me want to read more. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDad Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 But soon he would meet a woman, a woman who would give his life purpose again, who would give his heart fire once more. I feel like there is some type of grammatical error there, though I can't put a name to it. Sorry. I'm picky. :glare: But I like it in general. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 There are plenty of grammatical errors. I was looking for feedback on the voice behind the writing. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuovonne Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 He has chosen a unique spin on the assignment. I especially like the simile in the first sentence, and the richness of the other sentences. I bet your son is well read. My main reaction was to wonder if the assignment implied a story paragraph or an expository paragraph. It sounds like your son has a flair for writing stories. I wonder how he does with more academic writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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