LOTR paper, 10th grade

[Kim in SouthGa]

This is the LOTR my son did for an online class. Teacher's comments are in bold. This is the problem we have been struggling with for over a year-has the structure down but can't flesh it out. Suggestions?

 

 

“From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring, Renewed shall be the blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.” (p.213). Gandalf wrote this riddle about Aragorn, son of Arathorn and heir to the throne of Gondor. He wasn’t ready for the throne so he joined the Rangers. Aragorn escorted Frodo half way to Mt. Doom, then they split up and Aragorn went with Legolas and Gimili. His legitimacy as heir to the throne was in question, but his adventures brought out his kingly qualities. Aragorn’s response to the trials he faced during his journey proved that he had all the great qualities of a king: leadership, courage, and battle skills. (Good transition and thesis)

A king needs to be a good leader. (Maybe offer a few examples to back this statement up) In the Mines of Moria, Aragorn stepped into the role of the leader of the Fellowship after Gandalf fell. Aragorn said, “Come! I will lead you now! We must obey his last command. Follow me!” (p. 411). Only someone with the heart of a king would take command like that. While in the Paths of the Dead, Aragorn told the spirits there, “The hour has come at last. Now I go to Pelargir upon Anduin, and ye shall come after me. And when all this land is clean of the servants of Sauron, I will hold the oath fulfilled, and ye shall have peace and depart forever. For I am Elessar, Isildur’s heir of Gondor.” (p.772). Starting with Gandalf’s “death”, Aragorn’s trials forced him to embrace the role as leader of the Fellowship. His natural ability of being a leader confirms that he is the true heir of Isildur. (pretty good, but you could push the analysis further)

A king also needs courage. Aragorn showed much courage at Helm’s Deep. He “stood above the great gates, heedless of the darts of the enemy.” (p.527). The Uruk-hai did not faze him one bit. “So great a power of royalty was revealed in Aragorn, as he stood there alone above the ruined gates before the host of enemies, that many of the wild men paused.” (p.528). As if his courage wasn’t enough, his very aura stopped enemies in their tracks. Aragorn also showed courage while the lords were debating about attacking the Black Gate. He said, “As I have begun, so I will go on. We come now to the very brink, where hope and despair are akin. To waver is to fall. Let none now reject the councils of Gandalf, whose long labors against Sauron come at last to their test. But for him all would long ago have been lost. Nonetheless I do not yet claim to command any man. Let others choose as they will.” (p. 862). Aragorn was prepared to risk his very life for Frodo and Middle-Earth. He had courage, the courage of a king.

One final quality a king needs is skill in battle. Aragorn showed plenty of that. In Helm’s Deep, Aragorn “Charg[ed] from the side, [and then] hurled [himself] upon the wild men, Anduril rose and fell, gleaming with white fire. A shout went up from wall and tower: ‘Anduril! Anduril goes to war. The Blade that was broken shines again!’” (p. 521). Aragorn’s sword rose and fell, slaughtering any enemy in his path. Also at Helm’s Deep, “A broad stairway climbed from the Deep up to the Rock and the rear-gate of the Hornburg. Near the bottom stood Aragorn, In his hand still Anduril gleamed, and the terror of the sword for awhile held back the enemy, as one by one all who could gain the stair passed up towards the citadel.” (p. 525). Aragorn’s skill in battle held the enemy long enough for everyone else to retreat into the citadel. Aragorn also fought well at the Battle of Pelennor Fields. It is said “[He] was unscathed, for such was [his] fortune and the skill and might of [his] arms, and few indeed had dared to abide [him] or look on [his] face in the hour of [his] wrath.” (p. 830). His skill is so great, that the enemy’s weapons never even touched him. Aragorn had the skill in battle other kings yearn for.(good point, but why is this a necessary skill for a king? Elaborate on this more. Maybe consider citing other LotR leaders?)

Aragorn showed many kingly qualities in Lord of the Rings. He showed leadership in the Mines of Moria and Paths of the Dead. He showed courage in Helm’s Deep and the Black Gate. He also showed skill in battle at Helm’s Deep and Pelennor Fields. Aragorn endeavored greatly to prove his worth as a king, mostly for personal growth. At first, he wasn’t ready for the throne, but his time as a ranger and his undertakings with the Fellowship helped mold him into the rightful king of Gondor. (Yes! Great connection over here!)

Comments:

Your points are very clear and you've got the overall structure down great. Good job! As you continue writing though, remember to elaborate on each point so that everything is covered completely, and there isn't any room for readers to have questions.

[Julie in MN]

I thought your post looked lonely so I'll chime in. However, I haven't read LOTR in a long time (think 30 years) and so the first thing that jumps out at me is how the points are hidden amidst LOTR jargon so it's hard for me to get to the gems. However, if this was for a LOTR class, where everyone was far beyond me in getting all the jargon, then he's being perfectly appropriate.

 

So once I got past all the names I can't remember and such, I saw his three points, which were followed through nicely throughout the essay. I don't think he did bad at all for a 10th grader. He has his thesis, his support, and pulls in many quoted examples. I just have two general comments.

 

1. Because there are somewhat lengthy quotes, it can "seem" like his paragraphs are longer than they are. Maybe you could take out the quotes and put in a small marker where they go, such as [...]. Then examine what's left. I think then he might better see that he could add more examples and reasons.

 

I also might follow up the longer quotes by referring to a much smaller portion of the quote when making your point, so the reader sees your focus. For example, in the middle paragraph, I might follow the quote by saying something pointed like, Aragon was prepared to risk his very life; "to waver is to fail" shows his great courage. Help me to the heart of your point; assume I am ignorant :)

 

2. His thesis that Aragon has the three qualities of a king is good except it seems to be missing a premise: How did your son decide that those three qualities "are" the definition of a king? It could be turned upside-down and say that Aragon was a great king and had these three great qualities, so therefore those are the definition of a good king. Either way, it seems circular, or leaves a separate question to be proven. If someone else has proven this, or if he just wants to say outright that his own def. of a king is these three qualities (with a couple of reasons or examples), then I think we'd have a better footing at the start?

 

 

But really, I think you're fretting a lot more than I would. He's only a 10th grader. He's a boy. He's working on his writing in a class, he's getting feedback, and that's what he needs to prepare for college :)

HTH,

Julie

Edited January 19, 2012 by Julie in MN

[Kim in SouthGa]

Thanks Julie, that helps. One of the hardest parts of teaching writing to me is grading it! I feel like I expect them to have a perfect paper-I don't know what is the acceptable measure of error for each age.

I had suggested to him that he put examples of other kings that had these qualities in the paper to help his argument, but he didn't think it was necessary :glare:

 

Thanks again!

[choirfarm]

Julie,

 

Windows to the World does a VERY good job on this. He has the organization down. He needs to work on trimming his quotations and making them blend. We worked quite a bit on this in my co-op class. He also needs commentary. My students must have at least three sentences of commentary after every quotation. She goes into quite a bit of detail about how to do that.

 

He has a great start!!!

[choirfarm]

Ok, I'm back. I see two main problems. First, his quotes are too long and are not blended well. Here are two that I blended from his first paragraph.

 

Realizing that the fellowship will soon be captured by the orks (??..or whoever is chasing them) unless someone takes charge, he says, "Come. I will lead you now!"

 

By the end of the novel, Aragon embraces his legacy, telling the spirits "For I am Elessar, Isildur’s heir of Gondor.†(p.772).

 

I would also do what Julie suggests and take out the quotations so he can see what is left:

 

A king needs to be a good leader. In the Mines of Moria, Aragorn stepped into the role of the leader of the Fellowship after Gandalf fell. Aragorn said, “!†Only someone with the heart of a king would take command like that. While in the Paths of the Dead, Aragorn told the spirits there, . Starting with Gandalf’s “deathâ€, Aragorn’s trials forced him to embrace the role as leader of the Fellowship. His natural ability of being a leader confirms that he is the true heir of Isildur.

Now... I actually see a great thesis statement near the end of this paragraph. Rather than the boring: A king needs to be a good leader... How about Aragon's trials force ( remember literary analysis should always be written in present tense) him to embrace his role as leader of the Fellowship.

[choirfarm]

So... now we have

 

 

Aragon's trials force him to embrace his role as leader of the Fellowship. He then needs some kind of a sentence about his unwillingness to take charge earlier in the story. Gandalf's death changes all of this. Realizing that the fellowship will soon be captured by the orks unless someone takes charge, Aragon says , "Come. I will lead you now!"

 

Now it is time to attack this sentence:

 

Only someone with the heart of a king would take charge like this...

 

This sentence is the kind boys put in that means absolutely nothing. ( I have two of them that do this all the time!!!!) See if you can ask him like what?? ignoring personal danger? putting the lives of his friends or the mission above his personal comfort? And heart of a king??? what does that mean. Have him write 2 or 3 specific sentences commenting on what this quotation shows or proves.

 

Then I think he will need some other specific examples with or without quotes that show his leadership development.

 

He can then put:

By the end of the trilogyl, Aragon embraces his legacy, telling the spirits "For I am Elessar, Isildur’s heir of Gondor.†(p.772). Once again he needs 2 or three sentences explaining how this quotation shows leadership

 

Now he needs to write his concluding sentence. His original one doesn't work:

His natural ability of being a leader confirms that he is the true heir of Isildur.

UMM... the sentence before which I think should be his thesis are about how the trials force him to embrace his leadership.... Maybe something like Aragon's trials throughout the novel uncover his natural leadership ability???

[choirfarm]

Whew... this would probably take me a couple of days working around an hour each day to bring this out and have my boy work with me... And that would be just the first body paragraph...

 

I keep telling my literary analysis class that writing is just hard work. I cannot write something perfectly. I have to wrestle with the ideas and the words to get them to say what I mean for them to say. I normally revise papers I write 10 or 12 times...

 

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