Parents who have adopted - tell me about it

[Ellesmere]

I second this. I really cringe when I hear the way many people talk about adopting, as though the child they are pursuing exists to meet their needs. Every adopted person has endured the loss of the first family before coming to the adoptive family. Adoption should, hopefully, be about meeting the needs of the child rather than the needs and desires of the the prospective adoptive parents.

 

 

Yes, this too. And even if the aparents don't expect the adoptee to be grateful, society does. Even the language used to describe adoption strips the adoptee of developing his or her own narrative. Adotpion is a "miracle" and a "blessing", the "birthmother" made "brave, courageous, and selfless choice", and we are "so thankful that she chose life!" ;) Honestly, much of the familiar language is driven by the adoption industry rather those those actually experiencing relinquishiment and adoption. http:/www.origins-usa.org/ is a great resource for investigating some what I've mentioned.

 

We adotped from South Korea. At the time, I really believed we were providing a home to a child in need. We wanted to add to our family, and we wanted to to it through adoption. Sadly, I now believe there is widespread coercion and that the system is designed to manipulate mothers into relinquishing. It grieves my heart more than I can say. I LOVE my daughter, and I LOVE her other mama, and I am ANGRY for both of them. This didn't have to happen. Here is an excellent blog. http://landofgazillionadoptees.com/

 

I do still think adoption can be a good way to meet the needs of some children. Certainly, children in the foster care system whose parents' rights have been terminated can benefit from a permanent family, and I continue to think that children's needs are best served in a family rather than in institutions. Domestic adoption has its own issues, and though some relinquishments/adoptions are really in the child's best interests, far too many women and children continue to be separated through practices designed to influence a women toward relinqishing rather than parenting.

 

Bottom line for for me is that though i think adoption can be positive in some situations, I also think it needs to be entered into much more carefully and thoughtfully than what we typically see, and with a great deal of concern for ethics.

 

(Someone mentioned the adoption dot com forums do not allow for the kind of honest discussion that is needed to be truly informed. Several adoptees and natural moms I know, who are not hateful but are simply articuate, have been banned. :001_huh:)

 

Oh, another great site for what coercion looks like in domestic adoption is http://www.musingsofthelame.com/

 

And for the sake of transparency I want to also let you know that in the back of my mind I'm considering talking to dh about adopting a waiting child from China. :tongue_smilie: I have to look into it a LOT more though. So yeah, it's complicated!;)

I've heard the fairy tale of the unselfish birth mother that just loved so much, she gave the baby up. I'm not saying that it is never the case for some people. Sometimes she was coerced and is still suffering from the loss. Sometimes she was anything but unselfish and not particularly likeable or interested in being a mom. Yes, the latter type is the case where I hope the child is placed in a loving home but either way, the child starts out suffering a loss. And then that loss is compounded by people telling him to be thankful and being admonished for having understandably conflicted feelings. Some will adjust well. Some won't.

 

In adoption stories closer to home for me, I will also say that adoption was ultimately good but there are questions about the ethics behind how the children were relinquished.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your story, but glad that you have looked at the situation head on so you can deal with it. What you posted touched me.

 

I absolutely believe this is true for those whose parents have already had rights terminated. It is also true for those headed in that direction. However, one thing that has driven me CRAZY on boards and blogs is to see people hoping, two weeks into a placement, that this is their forever child. Really, it is *best* for children to be raised by mediocre biological parents (and there really are some GREAT ones out there) than be a great adoptive family. As mentioned further up in the thread, these children and families have been dealt a HUGE blow that will follow them for a life time. If at all possible, it is beneficial to not put them through that. I can't offer the children some things biology can!

 

But the other side of that is that children need permenancy as soon as humanly possible. A biological mother cannot take four years to try to get her act together. It isn't good for the child to be in limbo so long. The other part of that is that the cute little 4 yr old will have a harder time getting a forever family at 8 and that is even more true if the child is a minority and/or a boy and WAY more true if he is both a minority and male. It is so sad.

 

If it were up to me, we'd only take school-aged boys. But it is a partnership here so we have both boys and girls....though we are now only taking school-aged kids now except for respite.

 

I just want to say that part of what you agree to when you foster is that you'll support reunification with parents or kin. That really *is* best for the kids...

 

I just want to thank you both especially for what I put in bold. Overall, I'm glad to see balanced views from parents. It's not about being negative about adoption, but about being truthful and having a fair shot at evaluating if this is the right choice.

 

OP, for privacy reasons, I'm not going to detail my experiences with adoption, although I'd be happy to PM about it. I will say that we have not and do not plan to adopt in the near future, and not just for the reasons I've mentioned. So, I know I'm not in the group of people you were asking in your first post. But I do not discourage people from adopting. I just hope people in general will think less about getting to "gotcha" for themselves and more about the real issues that they may well be equipped to handle. It's always a complex decision and I think it's good to ask your questions in a forum where you can get many sides of the stories to help think this through.

 

(I'll also say I'm not really talking much about domestic (US) foster issues since I have little personal experience and the two people I know that had negative stories that I don't think are representative.)

[RockstarMom]

Foster adopt here as well. I have three kids who are the light of my life. In seven years we had kids come and go but we adopted our very first placement, then got a call for his newborn brother and just this September we adopted our daughter who also came to us as a newborn. There are miracles and heartache in adoption, no matter what road you choose. Best of luck and I am so excited to see SO MANY foster adopt homeschooling families here! I feel like I found HOME in this thread!