how do you deal with whining or refusal to be helped

[Katiebug_1976]

How do you deal with a child that consistantly whines about assignements? I have a dc that will complain/whine about how hard the assignments are (highschooler), and compare her HS work load to her youger siblings (K & 3rd grade. exa. "Why is her work so easy? Anyone could do that!"). Anyway, the comparing with the younger kids work is unbelievable enough, but when she does it in front of the younger kids it causes dd8 to feel bad because she doesn't think her work is easy. I have explained this to older dd, but so far no change. Anyway, when older dd asks for help, she wants it her way only. If it's math she is having trouble with, I will try to work with her backwards through the problem or topic to see where the problem began, but when I start asking her questions about it she says I am treating her like a baby and refuses to answer my questions. So I can't help if she wont let me (dh has tried as well and rean into the same problem). Usually this process ends up with dh & I so mad we're seeing RED and dd in tears. She says she is being cooperative, but when after 5 minutes she still hasn't answered "what is 10*2?" that is ridiculous! Anyway, this is really causing a lot of distraction & chaos for the rest of the family. I am just completely worn out! I would really appreciate any thoughts, advice or experiences you could offer. Thanks in advance for your help...:confused: :banghead:

[Lily_Grace]

:grouphug: My ds goes through spurts like this. The thing that helps him the most is turning it back on him. I cannot offer help and expect him to take it. That's too easy. :lol: Instead I have to ask him questions like "what do you need in order to do this?" or "how can I help you?"

A lot of times when he's in that mood he just wants to be heard. I usually feel out the difference by stating the issue back to him ("you're really struggling with this." or "you're unsure if you know the material") and then gauge his reaction to figure out how to proceed. Half the times all he wants to do is complain and then get to work, and the other half he's looking for help or some sliding back to make sure he grasps the new material.

[mktkcb]

Have a ds who will do the same thing (he's 14). Right now, my fallback position is "sorry, I can't help you. You need to choose something different to do that's not so frustrating. You can come back to this later, and you'll be more ready for help, maybe." Rinse repeat. It is so easy for me to get sucked into the drama, I've had to learn to step away from the situation. Guess what? 85% of the time, he'll (eventually) do something else, and when forced to get back to the other subject he's in a different frame of mind and can often do it without help the 2nd time through. You really do need to just walk away from it. The work has to be done, but there can be choice about what to do when, and kids like this need to learn to switch gears when they get too frustrated, and then come back a little calmer. It's a life skill, really.

[JVA]

It sounds to me like she only wants things her way, she is disrespectful and complaining. I would discipline for the whining....mine ended up with a nose in the corner for a little while and had to show an improvement in their attitude or back they went. Whining bothers others- it steals your time and interrupts everyone's school work. The complaining could be said once to me, in private, and then not repeated. Yes, younger children will have easier work. Said child had that same kind of work when he/she was in that grade. Get over it and let's move on. Some weeks the corner got a lot of action!

She should be able to work through a problem the way YOU guide her and not fuss/whine. You are the teacher. If she's uncooperative, then there needs to be consequences for that.

Allowing her crummy attitude to upset everyone else is enabling her to control your school time. We had attitudes regularly that needed correcting. It's just as bad as hitting, kicking etc...... it bothers others and detracts from the serene atmosphere I'm sure you'd prefer.

Self control is something children can learn but it takes practice. They need to see soon enough they're not the center of the world. Ask my 20-somethings what these type of people act like in the workplace....gee, the same.

I hope I don't sound harsh, I haven't meant to be. But, you're the parents and YOU set the tone in your home. They need to comply with it. They'll get the hang of it- just be consistent and have each other's (your dh's) back. :)

[Katiebug_1976]

:grouphug: My ds goes through spurts like this. The thing that helps him the most is turning it back on him. I cannot offer help and expect him to take it. That's too easy. :lol: Instead I have to ask him questions like "what do you need in order to do this?" or "how can I help you?"

A lot of times when he's in that mood he just wants to be heard. I usually feel out the difference by stating the issue back to him ("you're really struggling with this." or "you're unsure if you know the material") and then gauge his reaction to figure out how to proceed. Half the times all he wants to do is complain and then get to work, and the other half he's looking for help or some sliding back to make sure he grasps the new material.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. I will try this, but gauging her reactions seem to be difficult. As soon as she gets frustrated or irritated with something, its like she puts up a wall and almost stops communicating unless she is forced to answer a yes or no question.

 

Have a ds who will do the same thing (he's 14). Right now, my fallback position is "sorry, I can't help you. You need to choose something different to do that's not so frustrating. You can come back to this later, and you'll be more ready for help, maybe." Rinse repeat. It is so easy for me to get sucked into the drama, I've had to learn to step away from the situation. Guess what? 85% of the time, he'll (eventually) do something else, and when forced to get back to the other subject he's in a different frame of mind and can often do it without help the 2nd time through. You really do need to just walk away from it. The work has to be done, but there can be choice about what to do when, and kids like this need to learn to switch gears when they get too frustrated, and then come back a little calmer. It's a life skill, really.

 

My dd is 14 as well. I understand the taking a break, walking away for a time and coming back to it with a new perspective. Sometimes that will work for us, but sometimes it seems like the never-ending battle. I'm really hoping this is just a passing phase. I'm not sure I can stand 4 years of this.

 

It sounds to me like she only wants things her way, she is disrespectful and complaining. I would discipline for the whining....mine ended up with a nose in the corner for a little while and had to show an improvement in their attitude or back they went. Whining bothers others- it steals your time and interrupts everyone's school work. The complaining could be said once to me, in private, and then not repeated. Yes, younger children will have easier work. Said child had that same kind of work when he/she was in that grade. Get over it and let's move on. Some weeks the corner got a lot of action!

She should be able to work through a problem the way YOU guide her and not fuss/whine. You are the teacher. If she's uncooperative, then there needs to be consequences for that.

Allowing her crummy attitude to upset everyone else is enabling her to control your school time. We had attitudes regularly that needed correcting. It's just as bad as hitting, kicking etc...... it bothers others and detracts from the serene atmosphere I'm sure you'd prefer.

Self control is something children can learn but it takes practice. They need to see soon enough they're not the center of the world. Ask my 20-somethings what these type of people act like in the workplace....gee, the same.

I hope I don't sound harsh, I haven't meant to be. But, you're the parents and YOU set the tone in your home. They need to comply with it. They'll get the hang of it- just be consistent and have each other's (your dh's) back. :)

 

No, you don't sound harsh. Actually this sounds like several of the conversations that I've had with dd recently. I have no problem standing up to her, I think I just need a little reassurance & support from time to time. Maybe I'm just not being patient enough. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that one trip to the corner or three extra chores should solve the problem but I know that usually it will take much more than that. I really appreciate your up front support. I guess I just get to feeling overwhelmed from time to time and need to hear that I'm doing the right thing and that things will be ok. We'll just keep wearing our the corner and hopefully she'll catch on before too much time is wasted (for her & us). It really bugs me, though because this dd can be the most motivated, hard working, sweetest, loving child when she wants to be. But then in the matter of seconds she can turn around and be completely awful over what seems like the smallest thing. This afternoon has gone a little bit better that this morning, but I'm just so tired of the non stop roller coaster of attitude. You never know what to expect when. I know, I know...patience & consistency. Thank you...I'm sure it will take more than what she can dish out to break me (she just wears me out).:tongue_smilie:

[Cheryl in NM]

I had an idea. When you said you couldn't even get her to answer 10*2 I thought that might have insulted me at 15. So, maybe re-word it. "10*2 is 20, right? So that means....." I found it extremely helpful in math when a teacher would work through the entire problem and I watched. If I didn't have to focus on the mechanics of the work I could start to put together the pieces of the process, or vice versa. That might help your DD.

 

Of course, the complaining needs to be dealt with, especially since it is done in front of your younger DD and makes her feel bad. Older DD should apologize to younger DD. Older DD needs to learn that her problems don't give her the right to cr*p on other people. It's a teen lesson and it's the hardest to teach. I find with my (almost) 15 yos that I need to address this issue each and every time. I am relentless about it. It's okay to be upset, mad, frustrated and angry, but it's not okay to take it out on others. Most adults can't figure that out, but I'm hoping i'll get it through to my son and it will spread.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that one trip to the corner or three extra chores should solve the problem but I know that usually it will take much more than that. . . We'll just keep wearing our the corner and hopefully she'll catch on before too much time is wasted (for her & us).

 

Disclaimer: I don't have teenagers :) But sending a 14 yo girl to the corner seems a little age-inappropriate to me. Especially if you're doing it over and over again and it's not working. Maybe you need to up the stakes and take away something she really loves, like hanging out with friends on the weekends or whatever.

 

And if she can't be in the main living area and be pleasant or refrain from making rude comments about her siblings, then maybe she does her schoolwork in her room and she doesn't come out (barring bathroom/food/emergencies) until it's done. And if she comes out and she's unpleasant, then back she goes. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

I have an 8 1/2 yo who can really give me a lot of grief when he feels like whining (especially about math). A few weeks ago he went through a little spell of overall rudeness, disrespect, whining, etc. He lives for his one hour of screen(Wii/DS/Computer) time a day, so I just started taking it away, one day at a time. Give me grief about math? No Wii time today. Gonna scream at Dad because he's making you clean your room? Oh, too bad, you've lost tomorrow now too. Slammed the door repeatedly on your way in to clean said room? Oh, there's another day lost. One day, he managed to lose himself about 8-9 days in a row and it finally started clicking in and we've seen dramatic improvements.

Edited September 29, 2011 by LemonPie

[Cedarmom]

I agree with the poster who said not to get sucked into the drama. Teenagers are very good at drama-and even better at sucking moms in. Offer to help once, then if she doesn;t like your advice move on. Go and help the other kids, or do something else, but just let your daughter be. If she is whining and fussing, quietly ask her to go to her room with her school since she is disturbing the others. It helped me to sometimes pretend I was a school teacher teaching the student not a mom. What would a teacher do? Certainly not keep trying to please the student or listen to whinig. Best defense just walk away.

 

I had certain things my son had to do. I was a draconian mom. On the other hand, being a teenager is good time to discuss things your student may want to learn, or even methods. Not when she is whining. But in the eveining over tea. What are her goals and dreams? What is is going to take to get there. Giving her more(not all) of a say in her education may help the battle.

[Katiebug_1976]

We have a rule around here, if you start complaining first you get a warning, keep it up and you get more work. If I'm helping them and they don't seem to appreciate the help, then they can work alone for a bit. If that means they don't finish school when they want or when everyone else has, that's too bad. I won't tolerate that kind of attitude. It only took once for the warnings to be enough now. It may sound harsh, but that's not helpful to the home environment of learning.

 

We have this same rule in our house. It works pretty well with the other kids, but this dd doesn't seem to be bothered by having to keep on working after everyone else is finished (or she does a good job of making me think so anyway).

 

I had an idea. When you said you couldn't even get her to answer 10*2 I thought that might have insulted me at 15. So, maybe re-word it. "10*2 is 20, right? So that means....." I found it extremely helpful in math when a teacher would work through the entire problem and I watched. If I didn't have to focus on the mechanics of the work I could start to put together the pieces of the process, or vice versa. That might help your DD.

 

Of course, the complaining needs to be dealt with, especially since it is done in front of your younger DD and makes her feel bad. Older DD should apologize to younger DD. Older DD needs to learn that her problems don't give her the right to cr*p on other people. It's a teen lesson and it's the hardest to teach. I find with my (almost) 15 yos that I need to address this issue each and every time. I am relentless about it. It's okay to be upset, mad, frustrated and angry, but it's not okay to take it out on others. Most adults can't figure that out, but I'm hoping i'll get it through to my son and it will spread.

 

I hadn't really thought about her maybe feeling insulted by those kind of questions, but you could be right. I will have to be careful to re word myself and see if it helps. Thanks!

 

Disclaimer: I don't have teenagers :) But sending a 14 yo girl to the corner seems a little age-inappropriate to me. Especially if you're doing it over and over again and it's not working. Maybe you need to up the stakes and take away something she really loves, like hanging out with friends on the weekends or whatever.

 

And if she can't be in the main living area and be pleasant or refrain from making rude comments about her siblings, then maybe she does her schoolwork in her room and she doesn't come out (barring bathroom/food/emergencies) until it's done. And if she comes out and she's unpleasant, then back she goes. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

I have an 8 1/2 yo who can really give me a lot of grief when he feels like whining (especially about math). A few weeks ago he went through a little spell of overall rudeness, disrespect, whining, etc. He lives for his one hour of screen(Wii/DS/Computer) time a day, so I just started taking it away, one day at a time. Give me grief about math? No Wii time today. Gonna scream at Dad because he's making you clean your room? Oh, too bad, you've lost tomorrow now too. Slammed the door repeatedly on your way in to clean said room? Oh, there's another day lost. One day, he managed to lose himself about 8-9 days in a row and it finally started clicking in and we've seen dramatic improvements.

 

I had this same opinion a couple months ago but it doesn't seem to matter what we take away (TV, computer time, music, friends, all extra curricular "fun" activities) she seems not to care. As far as sending her to her room to do her work, that would be a lot of work for me. I would have to go in and pack up all her stuff and remove it from her room. She used to keep her books in there, and we allowed her to complete her assignments in there for the most part until it became a problem. She will do some, but she gets so easily distracted (?) and I'll find her reading a book (her choice, not school work), "playing" with her make up etc. It's almost like she needs a supervisor to keep her on task, and her room is not in a convenient location for me to just pop in and check on her. So most assignments have to be completed in the school room, dining room or living room.

 

On a brighter note, despite the attitude issues, she did complete her math lesson (on her own)this late afternoon and got a 100%! WooHoo! Hopefully it will comtinue...

 

I agree with the poster who said not to get sucked into the drama. Teenagers are very good at drama-and even better at sucking moms in. Offer to help once, then if she doesn;t like your advice move on. Go and help the other kids, or do something else, but just let your daughter be. If she is whining and fussing, quietly ask her to go to her room with her school since she is disturbing the others. It helped me to sometimes pretend I was a school teacher teaching the student not a mom. What would a teacher do? Certainly not keep trying to please the student or listen to whinig. Best defense just walk away.

 

I had certain things my son had to do. I was a draconian mom. On the other hand, being a teenager is good time to discuss things your student may want to learn, or even methods. Not when she is whining. But in the eveining over tea. What are her goals and dreams? What is is going to take to get there. Giving her more(not all) of a say in her education may help the battle.

[Cheryl in NM]

 

On a brighter note, despite the attitude issues, she did complete her math lesson (on her own)this late afternoon and got a 100%! WooHoo! Hopefully it will comtinue...

 

:party::hurray: Whoo Hoo!!!