Need ideas and encouragement for 14yo ds...

[hsmomto5]

I have been hsing for 8 years and I have to say it is the best for our family. All of my children ages 5-17 are happy being at home. All are active outside and have many interests. The problem I am having is with my ds 14. He is now in the 9th grade and lacks passion for most anything. He plays travel hockey (plays for Ron Francis (NHL hall of fame) for those og you who know hockey) and even with that he is sporatic. He has taken up golf and does seem to enjoy that. He just lacks the discipline it takes to excell at anything. School is going ok but I am on him constantly and he is always behind. My dd is a junior and she is completely self motivated. I know she is a girl and I can't compare the two.

Any ideas? We use a mix of curriculum, Notgrass, TT, LTCT, and he takes Biology in a coop. He is doing well with that class, but he still puts it off until the last minute.

I guess I just want to know if there is somethiing I could do to help motivate him, help him see the big picture.

 

Thanks,

Lora in NC

[mcconnellboys]

I will just commiserate with you, as my now 15 year old son is much the same. I think you definitely can not compare boys and girls.

 

I wonder if the male genetic quality of tending to grasp the big picture quickly and then move on might be at play with this? Women are so much more detail oriented, in general. We will talk any subject to death and super-analyze it, whereas men talking about the same subject will completely cover it and consider it finished in 2 sentences and a grunt.... Of course, I'm over-exaggerating (per usual), but you get my point?

 

I think that I'm beginning to see that men need very concrete, real feedback in order to take ephemeral things like "ideas", "grades", "goals", etc. seriously. For my own son, we are seeing that being able to give him examples of what his senior year cousin is experiencing regarding grades, scholarship offers, college admissions, etc. is making more of an impact than any conjecture and postulations we've given him in past - because it's REAL, I think - CONCRETE for him. So he can relate....

 

Also, I tend to think at this time that for boys they are growing so extremely quickly in terms of both height and muscle mass, hormonal production, etc., that it's just too much of a brain drain for them at times to concentrate on lots of other things that seem to be not immediate.

 

So, maybe if you look for examples of others he knows who are slightly older and are on a path that is taking them where they want to go, OR, conversely, on a path that is obviously NOT going to allow them to go where they had hoped, then maybe this will help him to internalize and really understand what he must do in order to succeed in his own chosen path.

 

And if he chooses not to take what you feel will be the easier path, well, then all we can really do is just love and support them, isn't it? If they must travel the hard path in order to be able see for themselves what they want in life, then sometimes that experience is the best teacher. We've tried to model for our son what he can expect if he does not do well and excel enough to go to a decent college. What he can expect if he doesn't do well and succeed while in college, etc., etc. We will continue to do that, but ultimately, it must be his decision as to the path he takes - we can't live his life for him.....

 

Good luck to you,

 

Regena

[Brenda in MA]

Hi Lora,

 

All I can say is keep supporting him the best you can and wait awhile. Two years ago, I could have described my son as you described yours. He has come so far in the last two years, that I can't believe it. He's 16.5 yo now, a junior, and his ability to motivate himself and plan ahead is finally taking route.

 

I attribute the changes to both maturity and a few other small things. We tried to talk to him about college at the beginning of his sophomore year because we wanted to impress upon him how colleges would look at his grades. We also wanted to help him start to get some idea of what he might want to pursue in college so we could guide him to take the right high school courses. He wasn't interested in the discussion. Then he took the PSAT, and he started to receive some literature from colleges. Those little pieces of mail helped him to realize that the end of high school wasn't that far off, and he better start thinking about his future. Also, he went to a 2-week technical camp last summer at a local university, and that really helped him to see what kind of work a technical career might mean for him.

 

My son took all of his classes at home through his sophomore year, but our relationship suffered a bit because he was somewhat resistant to my instruction as that year went on, and I was getting really tired of trying to "pull" him along. So this year, his junior year, I signed him up for two on-line classes. The outside instruction and schedules have helped him step up quite a bit. He enjoys the interaction with the different teachers and students, and when he has deadlines, I can support him instead of being the "bad guy".

 

So, I guess I don't have the magic answer, but I think that maturity will help matters a bit. If your dd is college bound, perhaps your son could tag along on a campus visit or two. Maybe putting his feet to the pavement would help him see where he might want to go.

 

HTH,

Brenda

[hsmomto5]

Thanks you all so much for your input. It does make sense and he is a pretty good kid. I think he just needs more time to mature.

Thanks again,

Lora

[Jan P.]

Brenda,

 

I would say the same happened with my ds too. He is now in college, and today we discussed how he liked college. He says that he has learned that he can't put off his homework like he use to because now if he does his work then his grade will positively reflect the amount of work done. He use to be terrible about not getting things done, and I was slack about having deadlines. He has really stepped up to the plate at college, but I'm sure that is due to more maturity. Mommy isn't helping him anymore, so he has to sink or swim! I highly recommend having your ds take online classes or co-op classes or even distance learning classes where there are deadlines. This would take some of the burdens off of you too. My ds took dual enrollment classes his senior year, and I wished that I had had to the money for him to take more classes than he did.

 

Blessings,

[hsmomto5]

He is taking a class in a co-op. It is an honor's Biology and he always has his work done and is getting an A. I agree with you part of it is maturity. I know he can do it so that is why I get frustrated. I just don;t want him to get behind.

Thanks for the encouragement!

Lora

[Linda in NM]

and that's about it. Hockey, hockey, and more hockey--they're getting ready to represent the state in Districts in March. He'll take breaks and shoot on nets (even though he's a goalie); he's always ready (even for early-morning games or practices)...

 

I'm guessing it's a developmental thing. Someday, he'll feel like this about academics (I hope)...he does enjoy science.

[Nan in Mass]

I have three who did/do gymnastics. My oldest is 20 now. He did poorly at ps, but now that he is working, I can see that he did indeed learn all those self-discipline skills that are so necessary as an adult and appear to be so lacking in the schoolwork of some teenagers. I think he learned it in gymnastics. I don't particularly care where mine learn it, as long as they do. I would try not to worry too much. If he can succeed somewhere and apply self discipline somewhere in his life, he'll be able to apply that to more of his life when he is more grown up.

At least that's what I've observed...

-Nan