Why do parents feel so responsible for their late high schoolers?

[Jenny in GA]

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1. I am his guidance department. In our public school (oldest went to ps and it was about the same at my own ps), the gc suggests a few colleges that he thinks the will suit the student, makes sure the student knows how to investigate them (includes lending them brochures and making sure they know how to use the searching software), checking to make sure the parents know how to do fafsa forms, checks to see if the student did an essay in English, makes sure the student knows how to apply, makes sure the student knows when the standardized tests are given and which ones the student ought to take, helps the student find scholarships, checks in with the student near the deadlines to see how it is going, advises students on which courses to select to get them where they are headed, makes up a transcript for the student, sends colleges that transcript and the school profile, etc.

 

WOW.

 

I don't remember my guidance counselor doing anything remotely like that when I was a kid.

 

In my second high school (that I was tranferred into) I remember seeing my guidance counselor exactly twice:

 

1) When I moved in, she sat down with my mother and I for maybe 10-15 minutes and came up a schedule for me. When it was pointed out that I had been in a gifted program in another state, the counselor said, "Well, at the moment our gifted program is full" and nothing else was ever said about it, nor was it ever suggested by her or my mother that I should meet with her again to discuss that, or anything else.

 

2) Sometime in ... early senior year, maybe, we were all required to meet with our guidance counselor once and make sure that we had enough credits to graduate. I barely remember the meeting, but I certainly didn't feel like the counselor knew a thing about me personally, or was really doing anything other than "counting and checking."

 

And that's it!!

[Catherine]

My 17 yo, who spent 7 years in institutional school, was often the object of teacher comments warning me that he'd never be able to do x y or z if he didn't take responsibility for those things NOW. And they were all completely wrong. Forcing the issue was useless and he came to absolutely HATE school.

 

He needed me to do things for him that he simply could not do himself. He could NOT write down assignments accurately from the board and remember the right books and folders when he was 8. Or 10. Or 11. But he was reading college level books when he was 12.

 

What I learned from this child was to stop listening to the experts and listen to my kid and pay attention to his needs. He is more than independent now, knows where he wants to go to school, is spending a year abroad as an exchange student, can keep a job, manage his money very well, drive responsibly and keep up a car. He scored a 5 on the AP calculus BC exam when he was 16. There's nothing wrong with his mind. But will he do his college applications alone, remember all deadlines correctly, anticipate all the additional costs, complete the essays unprompted? I very much doubt that. And I no longer believe that the ability to DO those things unassisted is a vital life skill that should make the difference between getting into college or not. Fortune 500 CEOs have secretaries who do those kinds of organizational tasks for them and manage their schedules. Why shouldn't I do that for my teenager?

[Laurie4b]

I don't recall my parents being involved with the college application process for me way back when.... on the other hand, it was 1/10 of the work that it now is. Ds is working through the application process now and is mostly doing it independently, but it is one pain in the patooty.

 

I think a lot of it is from our push-push-push culture, so that we expect AP classes in high school and kindergartners who know their letters and numbers before entering kindergarten. (We colored in kindergarten and took naps--or at least that's all I recall! And it was 2 hours per day.)

 

So when I was in high school, we took the SAT once, maybe twice. No prep. Nobody did prep, so it was all even. There were no weighted GPA's. In my school, there were no honors courses or AP courses. The college-bound kids took certain courses: French III, Calculus, Physics, etc. but all on a high school level. We were not expected to do volunteer work and very few of us did any. Not only is volunteer work now an expectation, but the colleges want to know how many hours it's been done. Several of us worked part-time, but I don't recall this being a part of our college application. I'm not even sure that I wrote an essay. Whatever was required, it wasn't nearly what is required from kids now.

[regentrude]

But will he do his college applications alone, remember all deadlines correctly, anticipate all the additional costs, complete the essays unprompted? I very much doubt that. And I no longer believe that the ability to DO those things unassisted is a vital life skill that should make the difference between getting into college or not.

 

Maybe not for getting into college. The highlighted skills may, however, prove crucial for a student to actually succeed in college - because then they typically can not rely on their mothers anymore.

I see many students who are hindered by their inability to manage their time, remember their assignments, structure their schedules and complete assignments without a reminder from the instructor (which will not be forthcoming in college). So being smart, even brilliant, will not help unless the brilliantly solved assignment is completed in time and turned it promptly.