3browneyedboys4me
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Posts posted by 3browneyedboys4me
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I'd pay off all the debt. You should be able to save quick enough, and you should be able to find an affordable house in this market.
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I don't think you are crazy, but personally, I would stay in Alabama! :001_smile: I don't think I could ever move to CA. I don't even want to go there on vacation! My husband keeps trying to get me interested, but I'm just not.
Good luck with your decision...just not some place that I would want to live. I also wouldn't want to be that far from ALL of my family!:grouphug:
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It could be as simple as the boy is competitive. Maybe he really likes the idea of homeschooling and says things like that to your son b/c he is really jealous. It's just another perspective...but, I certainly wouldn't put too much energy into worry about it.
IMO, I would talk with my son about the situation and make sure he understands that he is NOT behind or dumb. I would make sure he understands why children might say things like that and that in fact, it is not kind and nice. Then, the next time you see the child, I would take the opportunity to let him know that his words are hurtful and unkind and he needs to be more respectful of ppl's feelings if he wants to have friends. I wouldn't make a BIG deal about it, but I would handle it nicely and openly with the attitude of intolerance to that type of unkind behaviour. I would also make sure my child understood that he wouldn't want to be friends with someone that said things like that to other ppl. He needs to be aware that, that is just not a good friend if he is saying mean things to him.
I've had to do things like this with my children over the years and they seem to understand. Of course, they are boys and have each other to play with if need be. So, that might make things easier for me (them).
:grouphug: to your little one
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I think ebay is a good option, and of course, the verizon store will be happy to sell a used one but it will be expensive. I ran over my other phone and i"ve been using an old phone that is driving me crazzzzzy! I haven't found an inexpensive alternative yet. I have another yr on my contract. You can google and find sites that sell used phones. Also, check with friends that keep phones. I had several ppl offer to loan me their old blackberry phones, but I don't have the data package on my plan.
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i would enjoy your children being young and adjust your schedule to later in the day. If dad wants to help out, fine, but if not, I would start a bit later and enjoy the flexibility. Don't feel bad. Enjoy your husband and allow the kids to do the same. Later, pull everyone together for school, but it doesn't have to be a long miserable thing. Do what needs to be done and let the rest go....as time passes, you might find that you adjust to this and can add more things.
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I'm strictly being inquisitive here, but I wonder how many verbal abusers are of the above avg income bracket? It seems that appearances play a large part in their controlling behaviours. I know that in my situation, with my friend, her husband is making six figures and everyone in the world thinks he's the nicest guy- ever! He never says NO to anyone outside his home. But, at home, he complains about work, ppl, and is just not the 'nice' about things. He is very stern with their children. He also gets comments at church about the children being so well behaved, but the truth is the 2 yr old is scared to move! Have you ever seen a two yr old sit in church service without a peep? :confused:
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I think that's the most confusing part for men or women that are emotional/verbal abusers b/c they've 'learned' that from their father or mother. So, therefore, they think it is ok to be that way. It makes it all the more difficult for the person in the relationship that has NOT been exposed to it to make boundaries with this person. I have found that, THAT is the biggest obstacle b/c they claim YOU are over reacting and YOU are the problem, YOUR behaviour is the reason they lose their temper and yell, scream, hit, throw. I think when you aren't use to the bahaviour it's pretty easy to be convinced it must be YOU b/c why else would someone behave in such a way?
Mmm, Yes, I see this. The physical has value while the mental doesn't and if you can 'prove' and it has 'value' it's seen as more real.SO true.
And, what a person is raised in, is where their normal is, which I think is why the spanking debates get so heated.
People are so used to verbal abuse the lines are very, very blurry for some.
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I just have to say that if you are having a difficult time with you dh then, a house project might only make this situation all the more difficult. It's a lot of stress and work and I just think that's a LOT to put on a marriage that is already hurting. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I just can't imagine tackling those types of issues under your circumstances. I would definitely try to do it on my OWN...especially since it's YOUR dad helping. :D
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:iagree:
I tend to think that verbal abusers are almost more manipulative b/c they know how to stay in the 'gray area'. Plus, there are other types of things besides verbal abuse- punching holes in walls, damaging things and screaming in someone's face. Watching a man lose his temper and control is an extremely scary thing. I'm not sure if anyone can relate to that but it's not pretty. I think just b/c someone doesn't actually 'hit' you doesn't mean that you aren't waiting for them to do it at some point. And, verbal abuse is just as progressive as physical...it just gets worse.
My advice would be the same:Get out - NOW.
Verbal abusers are just physical abusers who are smart enough to leave no marks.
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Hi Tazzie! Welcome!:001_smile:
I definitely think home schooling is less chaotic, but i'm not sure if it's less stressful. I think it depends on your personality and your family's. It's a big step and a huge change for everyone. For my family, it's been a tremendous blessing and definitely worth the stress on me. I can't imagine having them do anything differently. However, I don't think you can make this sort of decision based on how other's feel about it. It's really going to depend on your family.
Home schooling is such a blessing. It really is. I think if you are really committed to making the change you will not regret it. :)
Good luck!:grouphug:
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I'm sorry for your pain. It sounds like a very difficult and painful journey to go through. I hope that you find peace and comfort in your counseling!
I am a child whose parents both divorced before marrying each other and divorced again. I had millions of dreams that my parents loved each other and my father loved me. I can't tell you how much I wished I were born into a family with only One marriage, with loving parents. On the other hand, though, I am glad that my father was out of my life since I was 6. He walked out one day and simply disappeared and we couldn't find him and never have seen him since. I also grew up with abusive older siblings and even verbally abusive mother.Now I have a loving dh, two wonderful sons, the best parents in law. Bit still I have been dealing with anxiety and depression. The emotional abuse I suffered before I went to college is just too much. I am now receiving biblical counseling and also taking medication.
All my siblings are divorced and remarried. I don't like divorce, but I would rather my parents divorce than seeing them abuse each other.
I completely agree. I certainly would not give her any advice that I didn't feel was founded. I appreciate the trust and compassion that I am hearing from the responses on this thread. Sharing a painful decision is very hard- I imagine. I know that we live in a society that doesn't feel comfortable being truthful and open. We like to keep a perfect image. I'm very thankful for the real responses I'm getting to a very, very difficult situation.
I haven't read all of the responses to this thread so forgive me if I am repeating others, but there is just no way to fully understand what someone else is going through. You can try to quantify your friend's experiences as you understand them and reason what it must be like to live with her husband. But this is a decision that only your friend can make. And she is the one who will have to live with the consequences. If you are looking to advise her based on the information you get on this forum, I would caution you against that. Advice from well-meaning friends can do a lot of damage in a divorce-type situation. The best thing you can do for someone facing this type of thing is to support her in whatever she does.As far as my divorce, while it is not what I wanted to do, it was the right decision for me and my kids. The financial aspect of being a single mom (with no child support) is very stressful, but my divorce released me from an unbearable situation that was causing long-term damage to me and my children.
Kathy
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There are tons of places arount Raleigh to live. My SIL lives in Wake Forest and her husband is a realtor. He's a really good guy. If you want someone to give 150%, he's the man. He lives in Wake Forest and could probably find something like you want- land. I do understand what you are saying. We have five acres and a pond. We are NOT subdivision ppl.;)
If you think you need anymore help, just let me know and I can put you in touch with him.
Good luck!
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I would encourage your son to take care of the situation. If he is truly bothered by the looks, I would have him talk with the teacher about the looks from her daughter. Give him words he can use to explain how he feels. All he needs to do is simply explain that the other girl in the class is making faces at him that he's not comfortable with. I'm sure the 'teacher' will talk with her daughter about it. It shouldn't be a big deal at all. Now, I think it would be a much bigger deal if you are brought into it. That shows that a lot of effort has been put into the 'situation' and I bet she 'teacher' would feel very defensive.
I just think making light of the situation and addressing it honestly and upfront is the best thing. Having your son talk with the teacher *when it happens*, would be a great idea. Let that be the end of it.
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I know! Life has a way of keeping us real, doesn't it? I had a ton of great ideas about marriage and how 'I' would do this or that...yeah...that changed! I've talked with lots of friends over the years about marriage issues and it's been amazing what we have all learned to live with and let go of for various reasons. But, mostly, we do what we do to keep our familiy's intact and make the best decisions for them. However, there does come a time when you can be pushed too far, and you can't keep being the 'good guy' or constantly do the right thing.
I hope your husband finds some answers and realizes that he is going to hurt a LOT of ppl if he doesn't figure out some things. I will be praying for your family and peace for all of you! :grouphug:
AMEN! I used to believe it took two to "make or break" a marriage, but after the last 6mths, I've definitely changed my mind. If I didn't have 7 children with no way to support them, I'm not sure I'd still be in my marriage. My dh is in counseling so we'll see. A few years ago I'd have told you I didn't believe in divorce except in the case of infidelity, but it's funny how life's experiences can change a person.I'm sorry for your friend!
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This is great Michelle. It sounds to me like you took a situation that could have easily crippled someone and made them feel completely powerless, and you owned it and took control of everything! You have done so much for yourself and children. I hope that you realize how strong you are!!! I pray that you continue to find peace and happiness as you pursue your career and care for your children. I also pray that your husband manages to get his addiction under control and value you for the woman that you truly ARE. I will be praying for you and your family and I hope you will keep me updated on your situation!
:grouphug:
My therapist was excellent. Graduated with a doctorate from Vandy, was a Christian, not sure if that was integrated into her counseling. I went to therapy beacuse my dh wanted a divorce after 17 yrs. I was in total shock. I thought I was the best wife I could be, and didn't know how this had happened. I went to get over my shock and to get help deciding where to go from there. Probably my therapist would say divorce was best, i had no good choices, but I chose to stay because what I saw as abuse was gone, the relationship improved with all of us, and my children are old enough to understand my reasons for trying to stay vs leave.I was very resentful at 1st. I went to Alanon and that seemed to make ti worse. I still occasionally get resentful. Maybe I'm too busy with work, school and spending time with the family to get resentful.
My kids are older teens and all but 2 of their classes are outsourced. Otherwise, I would've had to put them in school and it would've broke my heart.
The EMD therapy is pretty close to hypnosis. Not everyone is trained in it. You undergo some relaxation techniques, then visualize your earliest trauma, then you use some more relaxation techniques along with some short hypnosis type hand movements from the therapist and you visualize the scene again. Each time the scene gets less and less painful, until you eventually look at with no emotion. The session for each event took anbout 1.5 hrs. I went through a session for each traumatic event in my childhood. This is how it helped the anxiety: For example, I had serious abandonment issues (both parents had literally dumped us on someone at one point in our life). This caused even more severe anxiety when I felt like my husband was abandoning me. It was like feeling twice as much anxiety as I should have. After doing the EMD, the anxiety from the previous event was mostly erased, so I was able to feel only as anxious as someone "normal" would feel. That along with taking steps to my own financial freedom helped me not to feel anxious.
I hope this helps someone, I'm not saying my method was right, or that it's even healthy, but it's worked for me.
I also am very sure to spend an hour per day doing something I enjoy. I also take a yoga class 2-3x/week.
Those things are my maintenance program.
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Wow- you are amazing! What is EMD? What type of counseling should she get? Marriage/ abuse/ Christian? Yikes, where to begin!?
It's amazing at how much you have done and yet stayed with him. How do you avoid being resentful? Do you work and homeschool? I'm just trying to wrap my brain around how you are doing ALL of that!
I can speak from my own personal situation which involved addiction and emotional distance for several yrs. In my opinion your friend can get through this in a different manner, IF there is NO physcial abuse.What helped me was a good therapist. The therapist worked me through all the abuse I had been through as a child and helped me to see how I had gotten into my current situation. This takes time of course. As you work through it, you see how you can change your choices to become more healthy. There was a lot of pain in the months I worked through this.
As I became healthier through therapy, my dh did too. Things aren't perfect, there's still some emotional distance, because that's just the way he is, but he deals with anger better, the blaming me for the ills of the world has stopped. The addiction is unfortunately still there, but for now I live with it well. Here's what helped:
Intense therapy along with much research into the causes of my situation.
After our near divorce occurred, I immediately got a job. This was probably the #1 most effective factor for changing my husband and me. It shifted the power, I now made my own money and could partially support myself and the kids. 2nd it helped me. I felt stronger for having this resource. I was out with adults for the 1st time in yrs, and it felt good. I would do this even if it meant putting kids in school if she homeschools. She needs the time to change her life around and make herself a priority. If this happens, others will see her as a priority too. I'm lucky in that I work 12 hr shifts so I'm home a lot too. Even if she has no experience, she can apply for retail, service jobs etc.
I also went back to school full time so I can actually make a living that will support myself and the kids if we should ever divorce. I wouldn't want this to happen, but addiction is still in my picture, so no guarantees here. I work and go to school. I Think Joanne and I have taken much the same path in this respect. I can support myself and the kids barely now, but could put them through college etc, if I get my advanced degree.
The 3rd thing that helped was treatment for PTSD. I think the treatment was called EMD. It literally gave me the ability to be able to NOT get anxious about things in my life now. I would get overly anxious about addiction related things due to events from the past. EMD neutralizes past events, so they no longer affect current reactions. It literally saved my mind. It is amazing. It has given me the ability to stay in the relationship while I get my degree.
And, like I said, once I did all these things, my husband changed. He is kind, caring, helps when asked, has made an extensive outreach to the kids and myself to form a relationship that had been lacking with all of us. He worked at it at 1st, and now it is more natural for him. These changes have been there for a yr now, so I assume they could be permanent. He doesn't have angry outbursts anymore either.
So I guess my answer is, there is a possibility to have peace and love without divorce, but it takes a HUGE amount of work. I turned my life upside down, but I grew a lot from it too.
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Thank you so very much. I feel so much better giving her some tools to use. I don't know what her ultimat decision will be, but I sure hope that she can find the strength to *begin* finding herself again....gaining her power back.
Joanne, since you've got experience with this type of relationship, do you think there is any hope for the relationship? It really doesn't seem like he will ever grasp his problems...I'm guessing that will always make it difficult for them.
I will definitely get her the books. I love having something that I can do to encourage and provide comfort (even if just a little).
You've been very helpful and thank you so much for offering your advice and support. It's been extremely helpful!!
That's the PTSD and, quite honestly, the consequences of the insidious abuse dynamic. By the time I left my 15 year marriage, my xh was calling me names I can't post here. He'd often throw in adjectives about ugly, stupid, "bad mom". I believed him (in spite of evidence my entire life to the contrary). He chose those things because I was *smart*, people found me fun and attractive, and I had been published on parenting advice.She's stuck because, over time, he's convinced her she's stuck.
She really needs to read the books I suggested and get some competent counseling.
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Yes, I suppose so...
Another issue for her has been her self confidence. With the panic attacks, I don't think she feels strong enough to do anything on her own. I think she feels very weak and incapable of even holding down a job, much less trying to support herself,the kids, and deal with her husband. Seems so hopeless and sad.:confused:
A golden jail is still a jail.Trust me; I have BTDT.
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Well, she is seeing someone for the panic attacks, but I'm not sure that they discuss her marriage. She does have access to money. That is another issue for her. Her husband makes a very good living- six figures and they have a very nice home. Leaving would mean such a huge change for everyone, on every level.
As a friend, have you discussed counseling with her? There are certain steps that can be followed and yes, sometimes it ends up in divorce but before it gets to that point a few things can usually be done.A good counselor will be able to lead her through those steps. Is she able to see a counselor by herself? Does she have access to money?
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OMG, this just makes me want to cry! I've never heard this before. I've never understood the connection between abuse and mental illness. I mean..i've gathered there might be low self esteem, but never a true, legitimate, connection to something like PTSD. Ugh!!! How aweful..and sad!
If the rages are subsiding but the problem is becoming more of a complete disconnect,lack of regard, do you think she can stay? I mean...will this just ultimately end bad no matter what? He will never go to counseling. As a matter of fact, he throws her therapy/meds in her face at times. When she first had a break down, he told her, 'he wished he had time to have a break down.' He's just difficult.
The nature of the abuse cycle is that it is progressive. Abusive men don't start out by calling names. It is a gradual, insidious process. Eventually, many outright abusive/dysfunctional things become the couple's "norm" and fly under the radar.Here is a link to just a part of the dynamic:
http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/2012/04/when-his-put-downs-sound-true.html
Years of micro-assuaults (not to suggest that abuse = physical) create a PTSD syndrome in the victim. They literally become mentally ill, and unable to think, made good decisions. By the end of my own 15 year experience, I believed every word he said about me.
*Staying* under those circumstances is death.
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A few yrs ago. As far as I know, that was the last bad episode. Her children are all still young enough to be at home with her. None of them are of legal age yet. So, she still has her hands full. But, the episodes have lessoned to a degree b/c I think he sees that his children are capable of judging him. It's not just him trying to tell her that she's crazy as much as it is now the children can see him for what he is too. I think b/c he can't lose his temper so much with her/them he is taking it to a different level of 'mental manipulation'. He is just pulling away and not being helpful and in some cases just difficult to live with...or maybe it would be called 'moody'. I don't know.
The anger seems to have gotten much, much better since the kids are older. He's very careful how ppl view him. He does not at ALL acknowledge any anger issues within himself...or addiction or anything for that matter. It's always been blamed on her...one way or another.
I just feel like if the anger goes away, maybe she can live with him in peace. I don't know...will it rear it's ugly head later?
Okay this is not a marriage to counsel her to stay in. This is a marriage to counsel her to get out. How long ago was the incident with the van/speeding/threats? How often do these outbursts occur? Given that she is now having panic attacks obviously these things are effecting her greatly. WOrkablity or not she needs to get out. You mention grown kids. Would any of them take her in so she could get on her feet? -
I understand what you are saying. But, that is not the situation I am referring to. This situation is nothing like a 'hot mom' trying to overcome being a victim. This person has been emotionally shut off by her husband. They've been married for a long time and together for over 20yrs. Unfortunately, some men (not all by any means), realize that they have a large amount of control after children come on the scene and they abuse that power.
Would you think it ok for a man to lose his temper while driving a minivan and act like he was going to drive off the road and wreck the car while having his foot down all the way on the gas? In the car was a three wk old baby, wife and other grown children begging him to stop. Hmmmm...what about his violent episodes where he called his wife a 'fat *****' out loud where his kids could hear?
I think that this started when they were young and she just didn't know how to handle it. It's since progressed into something entirely different. She has been having panic attacks for over six yrs. At first, I didn't think there was a connection (duh). Now, I'm starting to see that there is so much more to it. However, you just don't take divorce lightly. So, in an effort to try not to react emotionally and give solid advice, I am here asking for some truth about what her life *could* be like. Goodness knows, I would not want anything to get any worse for her. KWIM?
People get hurt in varying degrees in *every* marriage relationship. There is, IMO, a responsibility for those who choose a marriage partner to choose wisely and to choose forever even though I'm not naive enough to think it's some sort of guarantee.I do NOT refer to those who divorce because of infidelity without repentance OR abuse here.
Most people I know who are "happy" with their divorce feel that they deserved that start-over because the person they chose turned out to be a loser that they somehow had no clue or signals about. And most women, at least, that I know who have divorced change significantly afterwards. They are all about not being "victimized" anymore--and I'm referring to women who chose a loser or are now choosing a new life, new relationship or "happiness" over the hard work of staying, NOT women who were actually abused in some way and were literally victims. Their persona changes from "mom" to "hot mom who is entering the dating scene again!"...you can always tell who has become a divorcee on FB and it makes one cringe. I've seen several Christian ladies online decide that being a strong woman after divorce now includes using trashy language, dating in ways they wouldn't allow their teen daughters, and being so self-focused (particularly about their looks) that I wonder if they remember they have children. Suddenly they're able to refer to their ex, another human being, in ways that they'd never let their children talk about another person. I have yet to see someone *truly* divorce with sadness, humility, and grace rather than in self-pity, self-righteousness, greed, and at least a little rancor. Again, in every case not related to infidelity without repentance or abuse.
I think divorce is one of the ugliest aspects of our society today and I would only very rarely recommend it. I have more to say, particularly as a child of more than one divorce (dh is, too), and also as a Christian, but I don't know that the latter applies here so I'll stop. lol
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No, I didn't delete anything, and I appreciate you understanding my position. I felt that a couple of posters thought I was being a little insensitive to the topic. I never meant to do that. I guess I assumed that since I was asking for advice it was clear that I was open to either side of the situation, hoping to form a logical outcome.
I've learned that when it comes to emotionally charged circumstances, you probably can't find a logical outcome though. It's not that easy.
Thanks for your kind words and for your advice. :001_smile:
Unless you deleted some of your comments before I got here today, I can't imagine that anything you posted would have offended anyone. My impression was that you were trying to help a dear friend deal with an unfortunate situation, and you wanted to hear others' perspectives on life after divorce.You didn't seem at all judgmental to me; you sounded like a very good friend. :grouphug:
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This is great advice. And, you are right. I think often being proactive is the hardest part- doing something. As sad as it is to move forward and make a path for yourself, it's the smartest thing to do. All of these comments make perfect sense to me. I appreciate your input.
If you want to give her some advice, tell her to get an education or some kind of good job training. She needs to be able to support herself if and when she decides to leave her dh.Additionally, I know this sounds sneaky, but she should start socking away cash somewhere. I'm not saying she should drain the bank accounts, but if there is the slightest concern that her dh might leave her high and dry if she asks for a divorce, she needs ready cash to pay for a place to live, food, and legal representation.
Finally, she needs to see a divorce attorney, lay all of her cards on the table, and get some solid advice about what she should do to get all of her ducks in a row, as well as find out how much financial support from her dh the court will likely award her.
Realistically, given the way you have described her current situation, she shouldn't pursue a divorce right now. She is unprepared to support herself and her family. (Obviously, if her dh was abusing her or the kids, I'd say she should leave immediately, but it doesn't sound like that is the case here.) She needs to prepare herself for some sort of career, so she will be able to support herself if her dh doesn't come through with support payments.
Does she have parents or siblings who could help her?
Rec'd Sunday School Curriculum
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
I've offered to teach a children's Sunday School class. It will be for grades 3,4 and 5. I've never taught SS before and have no idea what I should use for curriculum. Any suggestions? I've seen a few that I like, but I thought I might find some new resources on here. :) You ladies always give me something to think about!;)
It would need to be very user friendly, open and go (b/c I homeschool :D) It's for a Protestant denomination. I am hoping to find something fun, with reading, crafts, and scripture memorization.
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!:bigear: