I cannot tell you how much this thread has comforted me. Bill - the poem was absolutely beautiful! Albeto - I loved the video clip! I'm definitely bookmarking it! Audrey - I love that idea! I never used to want to be cremated, but after reading your post, I think I do want my ashes scattered across a field of wildflowers! Knowing that I would be a part of that wild beauty every spring brings me so much more happiness than the thought of decaying in a wooden box! JFSinIL - that excerpt brought me to tears. It was healing, and I loved it! If I had known I would receive so much comfort from this thread, I would have started it a long time ago. None of my friends/family (except husband) really know what I'm going through, so the loneliness and isolation of it all contributes to the sadness. IPSec - thank you for sharing what you went through. Just knowing there are other people who have gone through this and understand how I feel helps so much! Lady Florida - I am a part of that group and have benefitted from all the great advice there. I wish WTM had a group for new atheists from religious backgrounds. So many of us are in the closet, and having that safe place to share would help so much. Thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread!

I should add that I feel overwhelming sadness in the loss of an afterlife. The thought of truly losing my loved ones is devastating. There was so much hope in heaven. What I'm experiencing feels a lot like grief, and I guess I need time to give myself time to heal.

My faith in God has pretty much evaporated over the last 2 years, and now I find myself thinking about death quite often. It's hard to go from "I'll see Jesus and all the people I love again in heaven and be happy for eternity" to "when I die, I stop existing". I guess if I had never had those expectations, it would be easier to accept death as "the end", but I was a Christian who believed in heaven for 40 years. I keep thinking that I didn't exist before I was conceived, and that doesn't bother me now, so why would not existing after death freak me out so much? Is this normal?

Thank you! These are all great suggestions! I'm in Kentucky, (not the Deep South) but after going to a Christian college and joining a Christian homeschool co-op, practically everyone I know is a Christian (except one friend). I'm reluctant to change co-ops bc my children love the friends they've made there, but they do need to be around some like-minded kids their own age. It would also be nice for them to have friends that don't think they're headed to hell when they die!! (FWIW, I know these friends are just concerned, so I make sure my kids understand that and don't hold it against them.)

what kinds of social activities do you enjoy? Since I quit going to church and have lost 95% of my friends, I am incredibly lonely! It is crazy how everything in the South revolves around church! I'd love the opportunity to get to know people in a social setting that isn't religious. I'm not interested in going to a Universalist church, but if there are any other options, I'd love to hear them. Thanks!

I think I'm pretty firmly planted on the fence. The crazy thing is that when I'm around Christians, I feel more like an atheist, and when I'm around atheists, I feel more like a Christian. For a long time my prayer has been for God to reveal himself to me. I keep looking and waiting - but He is silent. Not too long ago, a friend lost something very dear and valuable to her outside my house. We had been many places outside, and this item was tiny - really tiny. So the cliche of a needle in a haystack would definitely describe it. Anyway, as we were looking, I prayed, God, this would be a perfect time to reveal yourself -to take away my doubt. Please show me where it is. Well, we searched a long time -and nothing. That night, I woke up at 4:00 AM with a very clear "thought" (possible I dreamed it, but not sure). The thought was a very specific place outside that we had been together. I just knew God was telling me where that item was! I can't tell you how excited I was -to tears, really, thinking God loved me and he really did exist! I couldn't wait until morning, so I got a flashlight and started the long walk to this place just knowing I would find it. My mustard seed faith could have moved mountains! I remember thinking... OK God, show me where it is.... And later...OK God, even if it's not here, could you just put it here? This is your chance... Show me you're real! And later... You created the universe and you can't give me this little thing I want more than anything I've ever wanted??? (The reassurance of his existence -not the item). I searched 2 and 1/2 hours for that d*** thing, and nothing. Pathetic, isn't it? I was crushed. "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?" I asked for a crumb and was given a boulder. Now I know what the Christians are thinking at this point, because I thought it too.... God's ways are higher than our ways, you shall not put The Lord your God to the test, etc. but honestly, I'm sick of thinking up excuses for God... If he heals, God answered our prayers! If He doesn't heal, well, they're in a better place, God has a plan, sometimes God says no, blah blah blah. That morning, I was definitely falling on the atheist side. Since then, I go back and forth. It's quite maddening, really. I find myself still praying at times, hoping He's real and he hears me, but my mustard seed faith is even smaller now. Not sure I'll ever be able to commit either way - or that I even need to... Regardless, it's a lonely place to be.

Thank you :)

To clarify: My sister and her husband know about my husband being an atheist, but they have no idea that I am doubting MY beliefs. Both of them have kept my husband's atheism to themselves. I said that my husband hasn't come out of the closet because HE hasn't - I was the one who told my sister and her husband, not him. So, when I say my family doesn't know -it's that they don't know about MY confusion. My parents also don't know about husband's atheism. My sister and her husband think it's only my dh and daughter who are not "on board".

Oh, I'm around - I just don't post. I was put on the defensive in that thread, and what had started out as a comfort, quickly turned into a stress I didn't need.

Thank you, Chiguirre. Yes, that was my thread. Our marriage has improved, but my state of mind hasn't. There was a lot of good advice, but the thread was derailed so I thought I'd try again from a different angle. I don't know anyone IRL who's been through this, so I appreciate all the advice.

I'm in the south, and anyone here who's not a Christian is an outcast. My family is very verbal about their beliefs (and brother-in-law is a deacon). My mom gave me the book Jesus Calling for my last birthday. Telling her what I'm going through would devastate her, and I just can't hurt her like that. In her mind, anyone who doesn't believe is headed to hell. I don't think she would ever have a restful night of sleep again if she found out (same goes for my dad). There is a UU church here - maybe I should go (disguised)!

.....or are somewhere in between believing and not believing, how did/do you cope? I honestly don't know how to do this. 99% of my friends/family are conservative Christians. We belong to a Christian co-op. My husband used to be Christian, but is a recent convert to atheism (and as I type this, he's at an atheist support group because he feels so alone in all this). He hasn't "come out of the closet" to my family or his, but he has to our children. Our kids respect him and he's very persuasive, so it's probably only a matter of time until they don't believe (dd is already an atheist). It doesn't help that we haven't gone to church in years. He has put so many doubts in my head that I don't feel like a Christian anymore, but I believe enough to not call myself an atheist. It's a lonely and confusing place to be.

I only needed to read the title of this thread to know what it was about. I know bc I'm going through this with my husband right now too. It is devastating. Completely devastating. I hope you have someone you can talk to about this. I have one friend I talk to about it, and I don't know what I would do without her. It's been over a year since my husband became an atheist, but my eyes tear up when I think about it as though it happened yesterday. The hardest part is the children -I could handle it so much better if it were just the two of us. It has changed me - and us. Honestly, I really struggle with my faith now. It's difficult to believe in God when your husband, who is very much a part of you, doesn't believe anymore. What has helped me the most is to try and understand where he's coming from. I know he loves our family more than anything else in this world. There is no way he would walk away from God and lead his family in a direction he thought could lead us to hell. No way. He challenged me to read a book that I want you to consider reading. It is not for the faint of heart. It is called 50 Questions for Every Christian. It will take courage to read it bc it will challenge everything you believe in. Do it for your husband and your marriage. He will be touched that you are trying to understand where he's coming from, and he will be impressed with your courage. And it does take courage to truly examine your faith. Hugs to you!

My husband and I have been struggling with this for over a year. He has told me that he equates my belief in God with a belief in Santa or fairies. I really don't like being on the defensive side in this thread. It was not my intention to go in this direction when it started. I do appreciate hearing from those of you who have been through this. Thank you for the support.

I have no agenda here. As someone else mentioned, the confusion I feel in my life right now is overwhelming. I don't think you can understand unless you strongly believed in something for 40 years, only to find out that it might not be true. Yes, it's a heavy topic, but where else can I find people who have struggled with this? Almost all of the people I know and love are deeply religious and wouldn't dream of questioning whether or not it's true (2 exceptions - my dh and one friend who lives down the street who is Buddhist).Thank you for the sincere replies. Albeto -your last post hit home. You nailed exactly how I feel.