BYE
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Posts posted by BYE
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Everybody has given me great advice, thank you all!
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Well, it sounds like my issues are more minor than yours but I can suggest two small things that have helped at times when my interest and my husband's were way off balance (basically, pregnancy and breast feeding hormones seem to wreak havoc with my libido...) It would get so his frequent advances were driving me crazy--I hated refusing, I hated his unhappiness when I refused, I hated the fact that any moment of emotional or physical closeness got turned into a "can we have sex now" moment.
Two things helped: one, helping my husband understand that if he responded negatively when I refused an advance that felt to me like he was punishing me, which made me feel like my freedom over my own body was being encroached on. I needed to be able to say "no" without him going around moping for the next hour or even just making a sound or gesture of frustration. He tried to honor that wish.
The other thing that helped was to agree that, at times when I was struggling with this issue, he would try to avoid initializing anything. That way I didn't have to keep saying no. The flip side was that I would keep his needs in mind and would myself look for opportunities when I felt up to being intimate and I would make the first move. Psychologically, it makes a huge difference to me if I don't feel I have to be "on guard" against unwanted advances. It is way easier for me to choose to make advances myself at times when I feel most up to it.
This is really good advice, thank you.
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I do wonder about this. People say you're missing out on something, but I dunno...people tell me I am missing out because I don't like fancy food (I am married to a foodie), but I've tried the stuff and it's just not for me. I really don't see why sex can't be the same way.
Also, why won't anyone write the word sex? That is weird and makes this thread hard to read.
Also, does viagra make men WANT to have sex, or just give them erections?
Don't answer these things if you don't want to, OP...but I wonder if you still have orgasms alone, and it's just the partnered sex you don't want? And, did you stop wanting sex after you felt "done" having children? I mean, it makes perfect, crystal-clear sense to me that (some) women would stop wanting to have sex when they stopped wanting children. That's actually a very handy thing, if you don't want more babies.
I feel for you, OP. I don't think your husband's wanting sex holds more water than your not wanting sex. That's kind of the nature of the beast, right? Sex together is something you have to do TOGETHER. Accomplishing anything in a relationship where one person wants to and the other does not is always difficult. Good luck, shoog.
I didn't write the word sex at first because I have read in many threads people changing the words. I didn't understand why, but I also didn't want to offend anyone. No orgasms alone or with partner. At first when I was younger and we were fairly new in our relationship, yes. But that stopped maybe after a month. The newness wore off so quick. I never "wanted" sex to have children, but like every other time, I did it.
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Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure you're not repressing memories of abuse?
Your reaction to the doctor's visit was way over-the-top, and I think it's something you need to explore with a qualified, experienced therapist -- and I'm not a person who regularly recommends therapy. It really sounds like there is a reason in your past that has led you to have such an aversion to anything sexual, and maybe if you can figure out the cause of your issues, you can find a way to view your sexuality in a different way, or at least come to terms with why you feel the way you do about it.
I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time, and I hope you're able to find a way to make things work with your husband, as it sounds like you both love each other very much.
A few posters have mentioned this and no this isn't the issue. There isn't any abuse, trauma, or assault in my history. I do agree that I believe it's an aversion and not low sex drive that another poster mentioned. But the aversion probably comes from so many places, not just one.
And we do love each other very much, thank you so much. Thank you to everyone for being so kind and thoughtful.
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Since you've told your dh you're OK with him having a gf, have you considered the likelihood that he will fall in love with the gf? I guess some men are able to completely separate s3x from feelings, but I know my dh isn't like that, and the other men I've known well were not like that, either. If some girl falls for him enough to be willing to have s3x with him, isn't it likely they would fall in love? If not the first girl, then the next one? Or the next? If you are willing to take that risk, then maybe you really have marital issues, not s3x issues?
I think a medical workup is a great first step, but a great therapist (or two or three . . . solo for you, marital for both, etc.) is likely the best chance for fixing this. If you want to fix it, then it will take a lot of bravery and perseverance from you. I would bet it can be done, but it won't be a quick fix. Be strong. You can do this!
FWIW, if you can afford it, then I think individual counseling for you (maybe each of you) PLUS a marriage therapist for you both together would be the best way to get going ASAP. If it isn't urgent, then start with individual counseling for you and add as needed over time . . . If it is urgent (someone is about to leave or there is other urgency), then I'd throw it all at the problem right away, though.
Meanwhile, what about having FUN together? I think a physical healthy activity you do together is really good for all aspects of marriage. So is laughing out loud. Is there a hobby you did together or do together or one you can begin? Skiing? Hiking? Running? Swimming? Yoga? Karate? If there is anything like that you could do, I'd schedule it at least once a week, get a baby sitter for sure, and just make time to do it together for at least a couple hours every week. Also, watch very funny movies or TV shows or play very silly board games -- again, at least once a week, the two of you only. Making time and $$ for these things seems hard, but it will be much, much more expensive to support a girl friend (dates!! hotels!! flowers!!) or two households! Personally, I'd also make it a top priority that dad and you together are having fun times with the kids at activities you all enjoy, but that would not replace the fun times for the couple. Family and marriage come first . . . everything else would drop on the priority list.
Yes, I have considered that he would fall in love with someone else. And that is terrifying but when I am in the depths of my exhaustion over this issue then I am willing to try it. I just need a solution.
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You say, "it's my body, why should i Have to share it". but....you should want to, and that you don't is leading me to believe you need to talk to a therapist, not a doctor. Look at it this way. If you make a really lovely meal, or cake, do you think, "this is MY food, why should I have to share?" Or do you think, "my husband will LOVE this cake, it has his favorite frosting, I can't wait to share it with him!" In a normal/healthy marriage you WANT to please your partner sexually. Instead it seems to have become a control issue for you, and that is what I think you need to explore.
I know you are probably trying to be sweet, but this is not the same as cake. I share everything with my husband. I am very generous with everything, but my body is just not the same. This is the kind of sentiment that really upsets me and comes from the idea that my husbands sexual desires are the most important issue here.
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Look for a therapist who will discuss something like Sensate Focus Therapy. That is the primary treatment for sexual issues in marriage and family therapy.
Thank you. I will look in to this.
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Glad you are going to the doctor. I would think that would help your dh feel like you care.
If you get the all-clear from a doctor, would you consider a therapist who specializes in the issues?
If not, there are self-help books. You basically start out with a commitment to just snuggling or other kind of touching that doesn't provoke anxiety. There is no intercourse,etc. at all until you can do the steps before without anxiety. It's like treatment of anxiety. The anxiety may even have become the issue and you think it's about sex.
Do you have any inkling at all that you might have been sexually abused? Sometimes people don't remember that at first. (I'm not asking you to answer that on the internet! I hope you won't. It's just something to think about.)
I doubt many marriages would survive this at your age if it doesn't change. If your dh has strong religious feelings about divorce, maybe. If you've offered him gfs, if he eventually does that, sex creates bonding.
Yes, I'm going to get the all clear from the doctor and then see a therapist.
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My guess is that a counselor would be the most help, but a complete workup at the doctor would be a good idea.
And there is a chance it may be the melatonin:
From http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/supplement/melatonin
Additional side effects include stomach cramps, dizziness, headache, irritability, decreased libido, breast enlargement in men (called gynecomastia), and decreased sperm count.
I didn't know that about melatonin. That's interesting. I've only been using it the last couple of months so it wouldn't explain all the other years, but it is something to consider for now.
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I doubt this is the issue since you have had an aversion to sex for a long time, but are you on any medication that can decrease or eliminate sexual drive? For example, SSRI's are notorious for decreasing sex drive. The doctor can check your hormone levels, then perhaps make a recommendation for sex therapy, if needed. Please consider it. You may not feel this way now, but removing sexual aversion could help you and your husband have an extremely fulfilling relationship, even more so than now.
No medications at all. I take tylenol every once in awhile and melatonin at night to help me sleep. My periods are very regular and my pregnancies were uneventful. My health is pretty good which is a reason that it seems pretty helpless. Knowing that there probably isn't a physical medical reason and that it's probably in my head is not fun.
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I don't have any suggestions, but I just want to give you a big hug and encourage you to follow up on some of the suggestions the ladies have given you here.
One of my dearest s-i-l came to me in tears on Thansgiving saying she was getting a divorce from her husband of 20 years because he hadn't initiated sex in over 17 years. She had lost about 15 pounds and was really struggling. She said it killed her to give up a marriage that made her happy in every way except sexually. They were very active before they got married and the first 3 years after, but then he just didn't need it anymore, and he refused to address it with a counselor or doctor.
We're all so sad because we love this b-i-l, but sex is important to s-i-l. She said to hubby that they could stay married, as long as he had no problem with her getting her needs met (in this way) outside of their marriage, and apparently, they may be in negotiations on this point.
I have just never seen my S-i-l so shaken up, but she was just at the breaking point.
I hope your husband knows how lucky he is to have a wife who is willing to make an effort to meet his needs sexually, even if it's hard and may take intervention.
I have told my husband that I would be ok with him getting his needs met with a girlfriend. That is not something I ever thought I would be ok with. I know that makes me sound horrible, but that is where I am. He says no that he will just deal with it on his own.
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I made an appt for the 7th. I can't get in before then unless I wanted to see a man and I just don't want to do that so I will wait until the 7th.
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I remember at 18 getting ready to go to college. In school, I was given advice to get my first pap smear before I left home. I guess for cancers and just to make sure I was healthy. I bawled like a baby through the whole thing. It was so bad the doctor asked me if I has someone to come in and sit with me. I was alone though, my parents were at work. And there isn't a history of any kind of abuse. None at all. So as early as 18 I felt so sick that someone had touched me.
I made an appt with the obgyn who delivered my son 5 years ago. I think I will start there.
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Yes, I agree. I think I do need to see a counselor. But I also have conflicting feelings about that because part of me says this is my body why do I have to share it? And please don't take that to mean that I want to whine about an issue but I don't want to fix it. I see my general doctor regularly but I don't talk to him about my libido. I know I need to start with seeking help. I really want to know though if I can't change this will my marriage survive? And I know that is dependent on my particular circumstances, but I just want to know if anyone has walked in these shoes and made it very far?
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Thank you. My ideal solution would be for my husband to be happy and fulfilled and I wish he could be that in a sexless marriage. I don't think I am asexual because when we first got together we were young and the hormones were flying. I think i do have negative feelings toward sex that came from some religious teachings. Teaching that suggested my body wasn't mine and that it belonged to my husband. My husband doesn't feel like that, I did. And now I feel really controlling of my body. For example, if someone in public looks at me in a certain way, I don't feel flattered. I feel disgusted and sick. I know it's so much about what is in my head. I know that if my husband and I ever got a divorce I would remain single.
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Please don't read any further if you don't like discussing or reading about someones issues with 3ex.
I know I am pretty new here, but I am a fairly anti social person, and I honestly don't have any friends that I can talk to about this. I also know that the age ranges and experiences here are so varied that I feel like I can get a good grip on this situation.
Here's the issue. I am 30 and my husband and I have been married for 9 years. It'll be 10 in May. We have known each other since 7th grade. We have 2 children, 5 and 7. We have a pretty good foundation and no serious issues other than 3ex. As time goes on, we have 3ex less and less. I cannot tell you why because I don't know, but I have no desire. Most times when we have 3ex it's because I am throwing my husband a bone. It is very rare that I actually want to have 3ex. My husband is an attractive man. It isn't that I don't think he's attractive. When we first got together we were pretty 3exually active. We started dating in college after we had known each other a long time. We were married within 9 months and by our wedding night I remember not really wanting to have 3ex.
I love my husband. He is my best friend. But the anxiety I get after our children go to bed in the evening is becoming so unbearable. I feel sick to my stomach and I am in tears right now because I can't keep going on like this. My husband and I have conversations about this all the time (my lack of desire and his strong desire). I can't wear anything tight or anything that might seem sexy without my husband feeling like it's an invitation. So most of the time I'm in a tee shirt and sweats. I can't drink a glass of wine without my husband thinking he will get lucky that night. Most of the time I don't like to drink because it makes me feel yucky, but there are times that I might like to enjoy a glass of wine without the expectation that I have to 3ex.
My husband and I are so mismatched when it comes to our 3exual desires. We have 3ex about once a month now and that is almost always forced on my part. So I guess what I want to know is are my husband and I doomed? He says that even if we get to a place where we have no 3ex that he still loves me and that we will stay together. Do I believe that? No, I don't because I can see the difference in how he treats me when he has had 3ex. There is a definite difference in how he reacts to me throughout the day.
I don't wan't any "suck it up buttercup and give the man what he needs" advice because that just isn't where I am. Does anyone have any experience in an almost 3exless marriage surviving and thriving?
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s/o what things have you found in food that should not be there?
in The Chat Board
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