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Meadowlark

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Posts posted by Meadowlark

  1. Forgive my ignorance, but how in the world do you do an exercise video from a computer/iPad? I guess I operate mostly on an iPad,and this is what's holding me back from taking the plunge with Prime. Enlighten me please!

     

    Also, I would be interested in knowing if anyone has made a list of educational offerings....

  2. Who is doing the ignoring, funny looks and lack of conversation if your brother and SIL are having a jolly good time? Do you mean they only talk among themselves, and ignore you and your husband? If you aren't comfortable speaking to them, wouldn't the "lack of conversation" apply to both parties?

     

    If you attempt a conversation, do you get shut down or ignored? Or do you not attempt one because it is "too toxic?"

     

    If you want things to get any better, you have to make movements in that direction, i.e. treat people as if they will react normally to you if you ask them to pass the butter or how was your holiday.

     

    If you assume that none of this is possible because it is an Impossibly Complicated Mental Health Miasma, then I don't see why you're going there. Surely the fumes aren't good for your kids.

    Oh dear, maybe I wasn't clear. I've spent the better part of 10 years trying to communicate with them, trying to make it "better". Yes, shot down time and time and time again. They either ignore that I'm even talking, or they respond with one word answers. This is what was happening BEFORE the actual abusive letters and phone calls that I've received. Ive called family meetings, I invited my SIL to my house to try to fix things, etc etc. Nothing I do will change their behavior. They are who they are. I'm not out to make things right with them. The only relationship I care about now is that between my parents and us.
  3. Great insight. Zoobie and Prairiehead. You hit the nail on the head. Now, if I can get my heart to just listen to my head...

     

    I agree not to engage will be better. I could tell my mom I like her earrings and she would say "why don't you like my necklace."...you get the idea. We have a way of pushing each others buttons.

     

    She usually communicates things pretty early. She always tells me when she's serving the meal. This year, it was 12:30 with gift opening to follow.

     

    Repeating over and over DO NOT ENGAGE.

  4. Can anyone help me with how to communicate these boundaries to my parents? My mom is very easily offended by me, so I want to make sure what I communicate is nuetral, to the point, and not emotionally "charged". Here is what I will need to communicate for next year...

     

    I will not draw names amongst the adults (btw,I said that this year and I got the whole "its our house, our Christmas and that's what we've decided to do...) I would like to get my parents a gift though.

     

    We are available in the morning or evening, as to not wreak havoc on my kids schedules (3/5 nap)

     

    I will stay 2-3 hours (although if we do a morning thing or evening, we will naturally leave within that time, so maybe this does not have to be said)

     

    We will not be bringing gifts for the kids, as my brother set that precedence. Again, perhaps doesn't need to be said.

     

    Then, while we are there, I will spend most of the time with the kids as I agree the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I will make no effort to please my parents by staying in the same room as these people. I was the most miserable when that happened.

     

    Do these things seem like firm boundaries for me, yet respectful of my parents? I'm shooting for a little of both here.

     

    Btw, I googled gaslighting. WOW. That is exactly what my parents have been doing to me all these years! My DH really thinks they are clueless, or maybe it's just stubborn.

  5. Can anyone help me with how to communicate these boundaries to my parents? My mom is very easily offended by me, so I want to make sure what I communicate is nuetral, to the point, and not emotionally "charged". Here is what I will need to communicate for next year...

     

    I will not draw names amongst the adults (btw,I said that this year and I got the whole "its our house, our Christmas and that's what we've decided to do...) I would like to get my parents a gift though.

     

    We are available in the morning or evening, as to not wreak havoc on my kids schedules (3/5 nap)

     

    I will stay 2-3 hours (although if we do a morning thing or evening, we will naturally leave within that time, so maybe this does not have to be said)

     

    We will not be bringing gifts for the kids, as my brother set that precedence. Again, perhaps doesn't need to be said.

     

    Then, while we are there, I will spend most of the time with the kids as I agree the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I will make no effort to please my parents by staying in the same room as these people. I was the most miserable when that happened.

     

    Do these things seem like firm boundaries for me, yet respectful of my parents? I'm shooting for a little of both here.

  6. Does anyone outside of your family tell you this? My guess is that your parents and brother want you to believe this about yourself, because they can brush off your legitimate feelings as you "over reacting" and then get a free pass for their bad behavior.

     

    Someone up-thread mentioned "gas lighting." I first saw this term mentioned on the WTM boards a few months ago. If you are not familiar with the term, I think you would find it worthwhile to do that google search.

     

    :grouphug:

    Absolutely! My dad said I completely overreacted about the birthday thing. I have never seen him so angry as when we were arguing about it. He was completely exasperated with me and kept saying that I just "didn't get it". He walked out on the conversation. He said in not so many words that amy didn't get what amy wanted, so amy threw a fit. They said they chose my nieces party to show me that. This is coming from a man I respected and loved deeply for 36 years. I was daddy's little girl.

     

    The "free pass" thing was spot on. That is what we feel my brother has been getting from my parents for the past 10 years. I could give a million examples, but it's the same pattern. They do something, I have a reaction because I'm hurt, they think I'm acting ridiculous, rinse and repeat.

     

    I do think some people are just more sensitive than others, and I do fall on the more sensitive end, always have. But I have sought out counseling, and have a few best friends who I have asked to give it to me straight, and I believe they would. No one, except my family, has ever told me that I was acting irrationally about things they have done/not done. The therapist did tell me that my main problem is personalizing things. I never did understand how you can not personalize things that have to do with who you are, or even your children.

  7. My husband and I had a long talk last night. We both agree that my parents are responsible for much of this. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my mom is on medication for a few things...depression, possibly bipolar but I can't say for sure. She grew up in a dysfunctional family, claims she was mistreated and never accepted by her own mother (who I happen to have a great relationship with), AND she cut off the ties with 2/3 of her own brothers. One is homeless, the other is disconnected from the entire family, and there's one other who she sees once a year. We also suspect some jealousy towards me as she has made comments such as "you're so lucky you are going to have a nice, big family"...basically the opposite of what hers ended up being.

     

    It is true that regardless of what is said or not said, done or not done, the situation is incredibly toxic. No, no verbal abuse is taking place at the gathering (sociopaths woud never let others see that), but the ignoring, looks, lack of conversation...all makes it unbearable. Gosh, I would almost rather some back and forth banter rather than the silent manipulation that is going on. Is it in my head? Well, honestly, I do feel things more than others (my brother and SIL apparently feel nothing and go to great lengths to have a jolly good time)...and this has been going on for a decade so I do not even know perception from reality anymore. That is why I started this thread.

     

    Mostly, I am terrified of the genetic component also, and ending this cycle of mother/daughter conflict and family dysfunction. It's just hard to know whether completely ignoring or setting firm boundaries is the way to go.

  8. I would go. I would not limit the time, and I would buy presents for every single person that was there. I would probably arrive a bit late, since it sounds like it would be hard to leave early. I would do something fun for me earlier in the day.

    And I would not hype this Big Family Christmas to the kids at all.

    Instead, I would talk up the real meaning of Christmas.

     

    Additionally, and far more importantly, I would make Advent gorgeous in my house. Our emphasis from a celebration POV would be on St. Nicholas Day (12/7 I think) and Epiphany (1/6). We would have internal, awesome, memorable family parties on those days. And I would, my own self, set out with the intention not just to give the kids something to enjoy, but to thoroughly enjoy it myself. Also, major internal nuclear family gift giving would supercede the extended family gift giving, and it would occur on 12/7 and 1/6 at home, alone. Also, at Gma's house I would be checking on all the kids, frequently, and probably playing a big family game with them.

    I actually tried this in the past. I went into it with a positive attitude, determined to not allow them to ruin my Christmas fun. It failed. These people suck the life out of me. I couldn't fake it this year. I am a completely different person around them, as much as I REALLY try to be myself and ignore them, and have fun, It seems I just can't. At supper, I couldn't even ask my SIL to pass the butter! It was like I couldn't make my mouth move, I know, the power I give these people is pathetic. I'm embarrassed what I let them do to me. I don't know how to change it, other than to just. Not. Go. Its possible. I'm pretty sure it would severely hurt our relationship with my parents though.
  9. PrairieSong, MyFunnyBunch, and others:

     

    I have no idea how to multi quote on an iPad, and I wish I could because I would love to respond to specific things, especially in your posts. I appreciate the support here more than you all know. Knowing how suicide affects a family is something very few understand. It changes people. There's guilt, desperation, denial, questions and more.

     

    Cat, you, a complete stranger recognize and appreciate that my heart is in the right place. Thank you for that. I need to somehow accept that to my family, I will never measure up. Everything is on the table. I have poured my heart and soul out to my parents on a few different occasions, but they don't see my brother as anything other than a lonely, troubled soul. In fact, my mom once told me that since my brother doesn't have any friends, can't hold a job, etc, that I need to be the one who cares for him, the one he can lean on, because he doesn't have anyone else. And we're FAMILY. She even once said if someone would've told her that her son committed suicide, she thought it would've been him. And me cutting him out of my life is supposedly the most hurtful thing I could do to such a sad, lonely person. She even once asked me how I would feel if he committed suicide, almost implying that my actions would put him over the edge. I had no words for that, I was blown away. It makes you wonder how we can even function day to day, right? It's completely twisted and sad, but my reality. I truly never thought this is what would become of my family.

  10. Respectfully, gently, I have to just say that I disagree with you continuing to subject yourself, your DH, and your children to this situation. If your brother is, in fact, a sociopath then this isn't a safe situation for any of you. I also don't think it's healthy or kind to continue this charade for your parents. You aren't doing them any favors either. Under these circumstances, I think you're taking the easy road.

     

    I understand how you feel. I have a similar situation in my own family so I do understand both the toxic sibling and parents who want to live in an alternate reality. We're all also in the midwest.

     

    I wish you the absolute best regarding this situation. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

    I appreciate your honesty. If I ever felt that my kids were in danger or even affected, I would pull out quickly and immediately 100%. Believe it or not, my parents actually see me as never doing what they want me to do, and always making things harder than they need to be. So, although it may seem like I desperately want to please them, I think they would find that laughable and completely opposite of reality. I feel like I am inclined to want to please them, but that stems from my own desire to have happy family gatherings (delusional, right?) and my desire to make Christmas bearable for my parents who truly still grieve for my brother very deeply. I've never lost a child so I try not to judge what they are going through, and try my best to ease that pain. It may seem like I am sacrificing my own happiness and my family's, but we're talking a few hours once a year...not over and over again. Yeah, the charade is pretty much over. I mean, it's obvious that we ignore each other. The only thing I did was say Merry Christmas in an effort to be polite. And I tried not to leave the room when they came in, as my parents requested. I know, it sounds like a load of jolly fun, doesn't it?

  11. I am getting some great feedback here, and I appreciate you all taking the time to share your thoughts. A couple of things have particularly stood out to me.

     

    First, I do overthink things. I think about this crap waaaay too much and I wish so badly that it could just bounce off of my thick skin. Fortunately and unfortunately, I have think skin and a sensitive heart. This has been the greatest hurt of my life.

     

    Me cutting ties with my brother was me standing up for myself and my family.  I am proud of that decision and my ability to do what needed to be done, although it continues to be a sore spot with my parents and we really cannot even talk about it. But really, we're only talking about this one (sometimes Thanksgiving) family holiday, once a year. No abuse is taking part anymore, at least none that can be seen or heard. It's just extreme awkwardness and pretending to be something we are not. Its quite ridiculous, and I'm sure that we both only take part in it for the sake of my parents. My parents are in deep denial. They don't see my brother or sil for who they really are. Heck, they even implied we were lying when I told them that my brother told me he was a sociopath. So those of you that said my parents are part of the problem, they most surely are. Sometimes I get more upset with them than with my brother because I do love them, I wonder why they aren't protecting me, and I feel terribly betrayed by them.  Btw, I have asked them why they continually choose them over us. They say they don't. They say they're in the middle and we force them to choose. For example, with the bday thing, my dad blamed me for having my sons bday on his birthday. He said I could've picked any other day and I picked that day to create a problem for them. WHAT? Yep, that's what I'm dealing with.

     

    Some of you have advised me to skip it altogether...and I'm honestly not sure about that. I think it would devastate my parents and also I think my kids would be quite sad. And, my parents are getting older and so I'm sure these big family get togethers (by big I mean TONS of food/presents) will only be happening for 3-5 more years, max.

     

    I think a better idea for me is to definitely shorten our time there. I heard you all...5 hours was waaay too long. I did try to leave earlier but my mom said "oh, you can't leave now, we haven't even had dessert". And then she said she was up at 5 in the morning making this apple pie. Naturally, we felt obligated to stay. Next year, I have decided that we will limit our time to no more than 3 hours and I will tell my parents that we have to do the gathering in the morning, or the evening. My kids were an absolute wreck last night. 4/5 of them were screaming. The baby was overtired and took 2 hours of crying to finally get to bed. Both my brother and sil are divored and so my sil has kids from another marriage and every single year, we work around her schedule with her ex's relatives. I will NOT have this big shindig in the middle of the afternoon. I will stand firm and if my parents will not accomodate, than we will be staying home.

     

    I will also continue to try to lower my expecatations, although they're in the gutter already.  I go into each of these gatherings expecting to be ignored, and that is what happens. This year sunk to a new low with my brother completely ignoring my "Merry Christmas" and then the no gifts for my kids thing. I hate to see the kids in the middle of this, but I will take their lead and not bring gifts for their kids ever again. I'm quite sure my parents didn't catch on to that btw...but I loved the suggestion that someone wrote to write an email next year clueing them in...brilliant!

     

    Many of you have said that you have a brother or sister like this. Thankfully, many of you have other siblings that you are able to celebrate with. That was what my deceased brother was. He was kind of the life of the party, fun, and eased some of the tension. Now he is gone and it's just the 4 of us. I don't have anyone to talk to, anyone to commiserate with. I suspect my extended family all know my brother is a little socially odd, but it's hard to get people to understand why I would make a drastic move like cutting him out of my life. It's family after all! I also live in the midwest where family is everything, and even my mom's best friend said she couldn't believe what I did. I feel a lot of judgement from people.

     

    It's nice to hear that some of you understand, although I'm sorry for your hurts as well. I will try to put this negative energy into my beautiful 5 children and amazing husband who has stood by my side through all of this. The wagon analogy was great. I will always be pulling my own wagon, but I will choose what goes in it. That image really resonated with me. And finally, next year, I will stay off facebook for the christmas season! Thank you all!

  12. The real issue here is that you despise them and they are toxic for you, and you should distance yourself, even if you will be "blamed." That your gift was $10 more than what you received is irrelevant in your situation. If you want to make it relevant, then I don't think it is a big deal that he spent $40 on you instead of fifty. It is not that he got you a scarf from a dollar store.

     

    True...after I reread, I realized how money is SOOO not the issue. There have been issues involving money in the past, but I'll spare you from that story :-)

     

  13. You are describing a lot of controlling behavior and a lot of it is from your ILs and not the brother and SIL (since I assume that it is the ILs who are saying that "it's their house and they decide what to do".)

    Yep, you are 100% correct. My mom has control issues, especially when it comes to me. She always feels like I am trying to tell her what she can or cannot do. So if she is going to have the big, family Christmas, it is going to be by HER rules.

     

    I saw a therapist a few months ago for this, and she thought I was kind of the outcast of the family because I don't play by the rules. I don't accept abusive behavior, I call people out on things...this all translates into "Amy causes problems in our otherwise happy family". They would much rather pretend things are normal, than face the truth or even worse, lose the only son they have left. So, they are certainly not going to ruffle their feathers, or they might lose them. My mom admitted it. But, are they willing to lose me? Acc. To my therapist, I am not a threat. They know I will always be there and so they are not as concerned about making me happy. This has all been discussed and many tears have been shed. It's all been out in the open. It is what it is. Does it mean I am a doormat? No, I don't think so. If I was being verbally abused at these family get togethere, NO WAY I would be there. It's not like that...it's just the aftermath of the explosion now.

  14. Here's another thought, interested in hearing what you all think. In the past, we've gotten gifts for all of the adults and kids. It was getting to be too much for my mom so she said she wanted to draw names. Of course, my brother/wife agreed to it. We did not want to. They did not appreciate us "trying to tell them how to run things at their house" and that "it's their house and they decide what we do". So, after thinking quite hard about the ramifications of this, we decided we would just go along with it, although we really didn't see the point in getting gifts for people we despise. So we drew names. I got my SIL and my brother got me. There was a $50 set point. We got her a $50 gc, and I got a gift that I saw on sale t kohls for $40, without any discounts. Then, they didn't bring gifts for our kids.

     

    The question is, if we go next year,is it disrespectful of me to say we will not participate in this drawing name business,OR is it perfectly okay for me to say "no way?"

     

    As you can see there are many layers to this mess. I appreciate all of your thoughts. I've been dealing with this dysfunction for nearly 10 years with my brother. We are really down to only seeing each other at Xmas and thanksgiving every other year. I'm just trying to figure out how/if I can get through these family functions for the sake of my kids. Oh, and if you asked my kids, yes, I think they would say its a happy Christmas as they are mostly running around with their cousins on a sugar high...

  15. I think it is time for you to make your family Christmas what you and your children need. You don't need to go to these gatherings. Let your parents and your brother's family get together. You and your children can start new traditions and have a wonderful time. If your parents want to come, and you are comfortable with that, then let them come. You do NOT have to include your brother and his family. You do not deserve to be treated badly, no one does. It is your responsibility to make sure that your family's Christmas is what you want it to be. I know it might be a hard conversation and I am a confrontation avoider so I appreciate the difficulty. But give yourself permission to be happy. Explain it however your mother will understand it. Don't make it about your brother if she will get defensive. Make it about you, your kids, your needs. :grouphug:

    The interesting thing about the gatherings, is that the verbal abuse stuff happened in the past. So there really is nothing going on now except extreme awkwardness. You could cut the tension with a knife. Nobody talks, nobody even looks at each other. We eat, clean up (imagine how fun that is with my mom and SIL), open presents and then the kids play while we adults sit around and...well, try not to be in the same room. But, my mom told me and my brother this year that she didn't want us leaving the room when the other walked in because that isn't respectful of them in their home. Like I said, we go because of the kids and that is huge for me.

  16. I say this respectfully and with a big hug :grouphug: .

     

    Why do you feel that you must go? Why do you feel that you are responsible for protecting your parents from the reality of the situation? Why do you feel it's your job to create a big family Christmas for you mother where it isn't inclined to exist?

     

    What is the worst thing that would happen if you didn't go? If you told your parents what is really happening? If you stood up for yourself and refused to be treated the way you are?

     

    If the worst thing that could happen would be that they no longer include you, would that be so bad? Is the pain of being WITH these people better than the grief of being without?

     

    Only you can make the decision to let them treat you this way and only you can stop it.

     

    (Written by someone who has not seen or spoken to her mother in over 8 years because I realized that no one but me was making me play the role I was playing in the family drama.)

    Good thoughts here. Okay, backpeddling...so, 2 years ago, I severed all ties. I almost sunk into a depression about it and decided for my mental health, I had to let them go. Did not go over well with my parents. They say they don't blame us, but they do-even if they don't realize it. My moms dreams of a happy family were shattered...by US. We told them of the verbal abuse and written abusive letter, and they still couldn't acknowledge what these people have done to us. No empathy, zero. All they know is we caused a family rift and they will most likely never forgive us for that. Meanwhile, my brother and wife are calm, cool and collected. They never get upset, never get emotional (sociopath, remember) and act like we are the crazy ones. My dad denies he is a sociopath, even thought my brother himself admitted it! He later said he was "joking"...umm, who jokes about that? Last year, they scheduled their daughters bday party ON my sons actual bday. Hers was 2 days earlier. My parents went to her party, even though my mom is my sons godmother. BIG explosion that was. Just a few months ago, my parents went to Germany with my brother for 10 days. So..you can see where this is going. It's crazy. We honestly think my brothers death has really made my parents...well, not all there.

  17. I decided a long time ago that, if I don't want to be with someone on a Tuesday night, I sure as heck am not going to be with them on a special holiday!! It is okay to cut all contact!! They will talk about you but that's their issue. Make good memories with your kids.

    It would break my parents hearts if we didn't go. It's complicated, but they are very fragile after my brothers death. I know I cannot be responsible for healing them, but I also feel that I should just suck it up and get through it. I think my kids would be heartbroken not having Christmas at grandmas too, somim not sure how to get around that.

     

    Also, remember that according to my parents, my brother and wife do no wrong. So in their eyes, it would be us disconnecting from a perfectly normal, healthy family holiday. We live 1 mile apart, a d see them often. It would create more tension than there already is.

     

    And I doubt my parents notices the gift thing. DH thinks I should say something, I'm not so sure. What do you all think?

  18. I'm sorry. You DO NOT have to put up with that. I'm giving you permission to skip the "big, family Christmas" next year and go somewhere fun with your family. How about a ski trip, cabin rental, or quiet day at home? Do you really want to teach your children that it's OK for family to be unkind, manipulative, or abusive just because they are family?

    in regard to the last line, I think and hope my kids are oblivious. They are still young, so it's a little easier to hide from them. We are very careful to never discuss this situation in front of them, or speak ill of anyone. But, I know kids are perceptive and I'm sure they will start catching on. Thanks for the permission. We really only go for the kids. My brother has 2 kids about my older 2's age, and they LOVE playing with them and all disappear into the basement and have a ton of fun. Plus, my mom does a lot of fun things (big meal, fills stockings, bakes a TON) and I will sacrifice my own happiness for a day so they can have the memories of Christmas at grandmas. But, having said that, it's almost to the point that I can't do it anymore, so I'm not sure what to do next.

  19. im sitting here about ready to cry because we had our family Xmas today and it was horrible. I won't go into the years of drama with my family, but to make it short, I have a sociopath brother and his wife is just like him. My other brother committed suicide 5 years ago, and ever since, my parents have clung to my living brother as he is "all they have left". They can do know wrong and are very manipulative with my parents. They have been cruel and abusive to us in the past, they ignore our kids,and it's all behind my parents back.

     

    We limit our contact with them as much as possible, but my mom loves to have a big, family Xmas. So we put on our happy faces and go. Imagine a group of 6 adults, all sitting in the same room, but only my parents talking. For 5 whopping hours. I know, we should've left long before. To make matters worse, they didn't bring any gifts for our kids this year, and we have always exchanged gifts for the kids in the past. We brought generous gifts for their 4 kids, even teens who are not even my brothers. Um, hello I guess we missed the memo on that. I felt like they were secretly laughing at us.

     

    What's worse, my parents are desperate for everyone to get along and be one happy family, and it's not going to happen. How do I survive these get togethere? Its torture. I feel like I could seriously lose my mind. I can barely be in the same room with these abusive people. What's worse, if we say anything or act anything but jolly, we are called the black sheep by my parents for creating conflict. It's a no win situation for us.

     

    I keep thinking that everyone has a great family...eating, drinking, having fun. If you do, you're very blessed. For the rest of us, the holidays are a nightmare and incredibly sad.

  20. My 3 and 2 year old each have 1 hour of "playtime" each day. I depend on this time as its when I do math with my older two. The 2 year old is still in a crib, but here's what I do/did with the 3 yr. old. I have a 60 minute CD that I play (and rotate every other week) and tell him he has to play until the music stops. I have 5 bins in his room, one for every day of the week. Each bin is full of 2-4 books, an electronic toy, and 2-3 of some other kind of toys. I pull his bin down, turn on the music and shut the door. He knows to come out when the music stops and then he gets a snack. If he fusses, which is hardly ever, I will put a lock on his door. He hates that, so will comply. I think consistency is what makes it work. He also happens to be a very compliable kid. Now, my daughter? She may be another story. HTH!

  21. I think your reaction is extreme and that you should have told the girls your expectations or house rules regarding screen time instead of getting angry at them for not realizing it was a problem. They aren't bad kids just because they enjoy using screens while they're together. Setting limits and talking to them about your expectations is a much better solution than fuming silently and making judgments about their character for engaging in behavior that's the norm for their generation.

    She didn't say she thinks these girls are bad, she just was shocked and somewhat disgusted with how kids these days spend their time.She has a valid point. Studies show that technology is negativey affecting social skills. OP, I 100% agree with you. I have teenage nieces that can't even interact with people because for the past 5 or so years, they have been buried in their phones/iPods at every.single family gathering. I have seen it firsthand. My husband and I both are appalled at what socialization has come to. It's sad.

  22. I have a 1st grader reading at about a 3rd/4th level too. He is a socialite (with 4 brothers and sisters) and would not pick up a book on his own either. But, we have a 60 minute quiet time each day where he is free to choose any activity to occupy himself. He is chooses to read the whole time. I can't feed him enough chapter books. I have often wondered if this is enough (we also do HOD's emerging readers) and have asked here if a reading program is required. It seems most think no so I'm trying to trust that as I'm a new homeschooler (but former ps teacher) I guess this kind of thinking is foreign to me as I'm used to the daily reading groups meeting around the table, lol.

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