elizam
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Posts posted by elizam
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I would buy the book. And contribute. ;)
FTR, I've been divorced for almost 2 years, remarried to a wonderful man and STILL suffering at the hands of my ex through the carp he is telling our son. It is UNreal.
ugh, it's only been a year for me and my ex is being awful about talking trash to the kids....they don't know what to make of it and they are still scared of him, speak of not liking him, etc.
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And convinced you that you are stupid, ugly, powerless, unable to handle money.........
By the time it was over, I felt and believed I was a total loser. Every job, every bill I pay, every "A" in graduate school, every time someone calls me to be their therapist is healing.
thank you for sharing this...
I was abused in marriage and finally got the courage to leave him.
It started as emotional/verbal/controlling and got worse over time. Escalated to his hitting the kids and then shoving me. I broke two toes that night he shoved me. I am ashamed to say I didn't do anything. Before that, when he hit our son over son's ADHD behaviors, I should have left then...but he was a little bit sorry and agreed to counseling...
counseling didnt work, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, took some meds for a short while, got feeling better....and went off the meds.
THEN HE GOT WORSE.
He also fits the descriptions for borderline personality, and, at this point, antisocial personality.
Sorry to whomever doesn't like those types of diagnoses used in descriptions of abusive relationships, but...guess what??? Even though there are bipolar and borderline people who don't abuse anyone...many abusers DO have conditions such as these. Which helps explain why they can be pretty nice, even very nice people...SOMETIMES...and then turn nasty....and then get nice again.....
I was scared to death of my dh after the shoving/toe breaking night. He never said he was sorry, although eventually he tried to act normal and nice again. Withing 2 months the worst episode came...he threw a potful of scalding coffee in my face. I should have gone to the ER, but I was scared that they would pressure me to press charges (and now I wish I had done both!) and/or call CPS.
When he abused our oldest son several times (physically, after yrs of treating him like his least favorite child), I was scared because of the whole CPS/homeschooling issue...and I believed that we should always try to make our marriages work, even mine....and my kids were younger; I was convinced it would be bad for them to live in a single parent home because you know what the goody two shoes say about THOSE kids...
My dh got weirder and less predictable and I truly believe that it has a lot to do with the mental illness. That said...my son is diganosed with bipolar and I am not afraid of him nor do I dislike him the way I do my now ex dh. He has not had time to develop the ugly personality traits ex has. I pray that he won't. He is easily depressed, manic, and sometimes blows up in anger very much like his father. I can't get much help for him now that he's 18 and when he was younger a few therapists blew it and called it "learned behavior" or ADHD (which he also has, but it should not replace the bipolar dx) and now ds totally doesn't see it in himself, although he will grudgingly admit he thinks his father has it...
I left ex dh in Fe. 2010 and never looked back. He went on a rampage over something petty and that's why I left. Smashed things, hit me in the head, took my purse and dumped it all over, took my keys, van...cancelled my phone....and drove away in the van. I was stuck home with 4 kids, 4 other vehicles that were locked and I didn't have keys to them, and a totally trashed house. Again, I should have called cops, let someone else see that house. I should not have gone and stayed with his MOTHER, for goodness' sakes. But we did, for two weeks. He'd come over there and rage and get mad that i didn't want to discuss it anymore or get counseling together (after yrs of his refusing it). He only wanted to see it from his point of view, which was reinforced by his mother and brother (ironically, both are mentally ill as well....but I'm not saying anything bad about mental illness...it's just so sad and it's important to understand that some people aren't going to get better by sheer willpower, prayer, etc.)
We finally went to a DV shelter and it was the best thing I ever did. learned that abuse is abuse and that's what we had lived with for too long. No, not everyone counseling us were Christians, and that bothered some of our Christian friends and pastor. Didn't I want to try and forgive and get Christian counseling? No....not really....Christian counselors are often the worst for helping in situations like this!
I tell my story shamelessly because I want ppl to understand abuse and I want to encourage other women to not put up with it and spend yrs ruining their lives and their children's lives just because they think it's unChristian or something, or that it's too hard/scary...it IS hard and scary, but I never regret it now!
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for me, it was situational PLUS my vitamin D levels were low, I had an underactive thyroid, and I wasn't getting enough sleep or exercise. It took treating all of the above to get feeling better, and that includes prescription meds for the thyroid and the depression! I see no shame in taking meds. I used to be staunchly against them, but after a long time realized that sometimes prescription meds are just better! I did the St Johns Wort and fish oil...it wasn't enough.
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Realize that the problem here is much bigger than whether or not to homeschool.
It sounds like you and your DH have huge fundamental differences in your views of the value of stay at home parenting. If you force the issue and stay home, will he respect you? Will he stay in the marriage? I hate to put it so bluntly, but really, if you have no career and things go south, you will be extraordinarily vulnerable financially and emotionally. The cards are stacked against you here. Be really, really careful.
This. :( I struggled with this issue for years, longer than I should have. Torn between doing what I felt was best and all the Christian homeschooler advice about obeying your spouse, I didn't know what to do, so I kept on doggedly and suffered years of dh's hot/cold feelings about homeschooling. never mind that he didn't know what he was talking about, that the things I hate about PS have come true in some of my children's school experiences, etc. etc.
This might not be the advice most Christian homeschool moms would give, but it's my advice. Really, truly evaluate your whole marriage. I did, and what I realized was ugly. I was emotionally and verbally abused, which progressed to physical abuse. My children are scarred for life and scared of their dad. He has tried to use the fact that we homeschooled against me in court. My kids are in PS and charter school now, but *still*....it hurts and I have to endure hearing the comments from school personnel/CPS workers, etc. that school is *always* best because homeschooled children are *always* "behind and unsocialized" and mothers should work, preferably full time, because "everyone" does nowdays, and daycare is "crucial" for "learning."
In some ways, I have regrets. I am middle aged and dealing with the misery of all this now. It took me a year to find a job, and that's *with* a degree in education. I work in daycare, ironically! Reminds me of when I used to work in daycare and dh agreed with me that he did not want our children in one. But he did want them to go to PS...then he was all for homeschooling, then he wasn't, then he was...you get the idea. Sometimes he loved it (when things were going well), sometimes he hated it (when things weren't, or just was just disappointed that maybe his son was "turning gay" because he liked piano and wasn't any good at sports, or that I wanted money for this and that and he didn't feel like giving me any, so he said I should get a job if I wanted clothes, homeschool books, etc.
I got out of the marriage, and I didn't just jump into the divorce thing. I really, really hesitated...for too long. But at least I can say I prayed, etc. I still wish I had seen the light sooner.
This may not be your situation at all, but it's an example of nonsupportive dhs and how everything can be affected.
Maybe a compromise, such as part time work and the kids are still home with you part of the day.
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Mina in Skellig...is that on there?
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this site might be of interest...I have one bipolar child and am worried about my youngest as well.
and this one: http://www.kristen-mcclure-therapist.com/
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Same thing happened to my son at that age. He and his dad never had a good relationship. Things got worse and worse and part of the defiance came from ds' depression and anger toward his father, who was abusive and I covered it up. I seriously regret that now, but it's all out in the open now and things are getting better now that I've left.
PS did not help. He very quickly identified with the most troubled kids at school, the ones from dysfunctional homes, the ones not liked by teachers or fellow students because of ADHD, bipolar, etc. He quickly found people who could sell him pot and pills and found out those made him feel better and that there were all these other kids who hated school, too, and the remedy for that is to drop out. The schools were all too ready to get kids like this expelled, arrested, and kicked out of school permanently, after all, no hope for kids like that, right?? (sarcastic tone here)
He quickly realized that piano and reading large novels like Moby Dick for fun are not considered "cool" by most kids...and that even if people told you how smart you were your whole life, in PS it's all about grades and not acting ADHD and pissing off the teachers, and if you don't play a sport and have money, you can not be in the popular crowd, even if you go to church with some of the, etc. etc. etc.
A better relationship with dh and some positive male activities would have been much better for my son than PS!
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2 thoughts without actually reading the article--
serious psychological issues
hidden abuse
I know my 12yo had a rough time all his life, but he really spiralled downward after that year--the year my dh went ballistic and hit and shoved him and left bruises. This continued and I was scared to do anything about it for fear of losing my kids. Everyone else thought he was such a nice, fun guy and devoted Christian father. They didn't know the dark side and some still don't seem to believe me even though I left him and went to a women's shelter.
My son is very troubled, but I don't know if he'd kill us. I don't think so, not me anyway. Dad??? Not sure. Don't even want to go there. They get into horrible fights.
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I have lost 65 pounds in the past 5 months. My skin isn't "loose" but the weight is going away in such a way that I stil have all the same sags, rolls, etc. They are just smaller. The problem really isn't about true "loose skin" but rather about muscle mass, distribution of fat, and body fat percentage. Many times when you lose weight, you aren't losing just fat. So, you can lose a significant amount and still have a body fat percentage that is too high for your weight.
Skin is actually very thin - stretch the skin up on the back of your hand to see. When you have a roll that doesn't go away, it is because the fat is "attached" to the skin, not to the muscle.
Strength training will make a HUGE difference in this. I believe LG Gone Wild has found this to be true as well. I remember her posting about how the "loose skin" went away as she built muscle mass and her body fat percentage decreased.
In addition, the abdominal area can be particularly difficult to tone up due to pregnancy. I have some *serious* stretch marks after having 7 children (some of whom were fairly large.) It is also an area where I accumulated a LOT of fat. I imagine that the fat will be hard to get rid of there. I also think that sometimes the muscles even get out of place - a tummy tuck is done to fix that (and to remove excess fat that is still accumulated there.)
I will say this - I would rather look kind of funny with the "loose skin" than to have that 65 pounds back.;)
Funny, I was just pondering the loose skin question myself...I have lost maybe 10 lbs in the past couple months, 20 the past year. Renee, you are my hero!
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Hi, I no longer homeschool but I do log on here every now and then. My almost 18yods was dxed with bipolar almost 3 yrs ago, but two different psychiatrists. He took three different meds on three separate occasions. I saw the most improvement when he was on Abilify.
He never found a counselor with whom he felt comfortable. Most of them were rude and chastizing and also were disdainful of a teen having a dx of bipolar, so they tried to convince him that his extreme mood swings and problems in society were "bad choices" and simply the result of substance abuse and ADHD. (they did, however, try to convince him that the ADHD was also a "choice" and that he could do better in school if he "wanted to.")
After increasingly worse episodes and consequences such as being told to drop out of school by his IEP team, jail, and loss of family connections, he finally decided he was not mentally ill and that it was all my fault, the mom who was the only one who loved him unconditionally and did everything to help him...piano lessons, long talks, suggestions as to how to improve his life, etc.....
he no longer hates me and even admitted a while back he wonders if he has something even worse than bipolar, like schizoaffective, which "makes you so paranoid you can't even trust your own mother sometimes." I thought that was interesting...I think he turned on me for a while because he knows I am the one who won't give up on him, and because he and I know the truth, that it *is* mental illness...and he can't bear to believe it...
It is almost impossible to find a good psych doc or good counselors, IMHO. Also, dual diagnosis seems unheard of where I live (mental illness and substance abuse---many MI people will self medicate with pot, alcohol, etc. but some ppl think that the SA is the main thing and that there is no such think as MI....
My biggest resource has been http://www.bpkids.org and NAMI. NAMI offers a Family to Family course that is very helpful. SOme communities have other mental health groups as well (we do in Charlotte)
It's interesting to me, because there is a lot of diagnosed and undiagnosed but obvious mental illness in both sides of my family, and the people I know and hear about who display certain behaviors almost always are bipolar or schizophrenic...it seems so easy to figure out, but so hard to get help.
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I had a little boy very much like that at one time.
The thing is, he didn't outgrow it. Homeschooling was better for him than PS, but dh wanted him in PS so bad, so finally ds wanted it also, and dh insisted, so off to PS he went.
It was all downhill from there.
Was it because of PS? Puberty? ADHD?
All of the above???????
Add to the above, the extreme mood swings and rages led to a bipolar dx. Stimulant meds worked for him at first, but they triggered mania. I did a lot of research on all this, as mental illness runs on both sides of our family.
As time went on, he became balky at the idea of meds, even though he knew mood stablizers helped and a low dose of stimulant or a nonstimulant med could have been added once he was stable moodwise.
He preferred to be seen as a delinquent than having any kind of "disorder" and began to be a pot smoker and a drinker. I am convinced a lot of this is self medicating behavior. He is much calmer when he smokes pot. I don't like any of it...he got worse and worse in school and lost the love he had for other things he had time for when he was homeschooled....no more reading for pleasure, very little piano, no late night science research just because something caught his attention.
His dad never wanted him dxed with anything or on any meds. he is of the school of thought that these disorders aren't "real" and a good whuppin or taking away all privileges should straighten any kid out.
We got that opinion from many. But the ppl who affected my ds in a good way were the thoughful ones, the ones who said, "what is wrong with trying a medicine under a dr's care?"
My son and I have a rocky relationship right now. I know none of this probably pertains to you, but whenever I read the ADHD posts, I think to myself, I once had a sweet but mood swingy little boy and I wish I had gotten some kind of real help much earlier than I did. I was so wrapped up in my world of homeschoolers who were totally anti school, anti dx, anti med, that I would not consider anything was really wrong with him. But I knew in my heart. Once I started reading up on all these things, I realized I was doing him a disservice to say he was fine the way he was or that what everyone else said was best was what I should do.
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I had a little boy very much like that at one time.
The thing is, he didn't outgrow it. Homeschooling was better for him than PS, but dh wanted him in PS so bad, so finally ds wanted it also, and dh insisted, so off to PS he went.
It was all downhill from there.
Was it because of PS? Puberty? ADHD?
All of the above???????
Add to the above, the extreme mood swings and rages led to a bipolar dx. Stimulant meds worked for him at first, but they triggered mania. I did a lot of research on all this, as mental illness runs on both sides of our family.
As time went on, he became balky at the idea of meds, even though he knew mood stablizers helped and a low dose of stimulant or a nonstimulant med could have been added once he was stable moodwise.
He preferred to be seen as a delinquent than having any kind of "disorder" and began to be a pot smoker and a drinker. I am convinced a lot of this is self medicating behavior. He is much calmer when he smokes pot. I don't like any of it...he got worse and worse in school and lost the love he had for other things he had time for when he was homeschooled....no more reading for pleasure, very little piano, no late night science research just because something caught his attention.
His dad never wanted him dxed with anything or on any meds. he is of the school of thought that these disorders aren't "real" and a good whuppin or taking away all privileges should straighten any kid out.
We got that opinion from many. But the ppl who affected my ds in a good way were the thoughful ones, the ones who said, "what is wrong with trying a medicine under a dr's care?"
My son and I have a rocky relationship right now. I know none of this probably pertains to you, but whenever I read the ADHD posts, I think to myself, I once had a sweet but mood swingy little boy and I wish I had gotten some kind of real help much earlier than I did. I was so wrapped up in my world of homeschoolers who were totally anti school, anti dx, anti med, that I would not consider anything was really wrong with him. But I knew in my heart. Once I started reading up on all these things, I realized I was doing him a disservice to say he was fine the way he was or that what everyone else said was best was what I should do.
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Is there no county mental health crisis line??? That's what I'd look for.
Police *might* be able to help, but might not be the best choice. And for some reason, all I can think about are the couple of cases of young men I've heard about who were suicidal and when they realized a cop was approaching them, that's all they needed to do something like not cooperate so they could commit "suicide by cop." :( Cops will shoot--they aren't usually trained in crisis prevention.
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" Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our but! Nowhere was safe!"
Yep, the good old days:confused:. (I know this is supposed to be taken light-heartedly, but this part annoys me. I see this type of essay written in different variations in different places, but let's face it, some things have changed for the better as well).
Lisa
I was just about to add this comment myself. I haven't been on WTM in quite a while, so here I am on like page 4 of posts and I just HAD to post my two cents...:001_huh:
the damage done is irreparable by parents who thing "beating" and "butt whuppin" is the be all end all to child discipline.
My 17yo ds has some serious working through of issues to do now that he is dxed with bipolar but has been beaten by his dad, had the cops say that is absolutely the best thing my ex could have done to his delinquent little hiney, and that bipolar does not exist, it's called delinquency.
2 weeks of suicidal thinking and adjusting to a mood stablizer resulted in 2 weeks of school absences...to which a cop commented that ds is lazy and should be beat for missing all that school.
And eventually the school just told him to drop out and make their lives easier because he obviously didn't "want to" act right and stop being depressed and raging and using substances...
not sayin that any of that is "ok" or that Im advocating it...but I do have some understanding of the illness, whereas these butt whuppin enthusiasts do not!
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Have they tried a stimulant? I am very serious about this. My 9yo was a moody disaster, but he was rapid cycling. He could fly into a rage 3-4 times a day, including threatening to kill himself or others.
He doesn't do this on Vyvanse. It's also a med that you could start tomorrow and you would know within days if it would work - you don't have to wait for blood levels to build up or anything.
I am so thankful that his psych doesn't diagnose bipolar in children because that is where he would probably be. He isn't, though, and stimulants have made him into the child he was meant to be. Not only are the rages gone (for the most part - he has 1-2 a month, now) but he is learning to read at almost 10 years old. He still has a very long way to go because he has so many different issues, but this was a BIG step in the right direction.
I did take him for an inpatient evaluation, but he had stopped raging by that point and they did not admit him. I sat down and called every psych on our insurance until I found one that would see him within 2 weeks. The first day he was on the med, when I picked him up from school he said, "Mama, this medicine really works!" It has done nothing but get better from there.
ETA: My ds most likely has gluten issues as well, but we have not gone gluten free as of yet (we could not have without his being medicated.) He was diagnosed FTT in infancy and it was remedied by putting him on a gluten-free diet. We also noticed that too much wheat would make him that much more volatile.
interesting in two ways....one, because we know each other from the past...and two, because my oldest was dxed first with adhd and took vyvanse, but stimulants brought out the severe bipolar symptoms in him, hence the BP diagnosis...and now my 7yo is seeming even worse than him, no meds or dx yet.
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I just got an Ove Glove and I am amazed! No need for the old fashioned potholders that always fail me and I get burned!
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At least 2 current threads on this board use the term "broken home" in relation to children at risk for something (usually hurting your own precious sheltered child).
Folks, the stats are high. Nearly the majority of children in the US will experience the divorce of their parents. It means nothing accurate or real about that child (and, to be honest, about the divorced parents).
Broken home is an awful term laden with a bunch of inaccurate baggage. I'm leading the campaign to expunge the term from current use. I'd prefer to change your minds about it, what it means and who you don't want to use it or frame people using that as a filter.
My children's own home was more broken during the years of paper marriage to their Dad than it has been since.
I haven't been on these forums in quite some time. We dont homeschool anymore, I'm not married anymore. I didn't think I'd like it as much here as I used to for those reasons...
But I am so glad I "stopped in" because your post hit the nail on the head! I am so glad my home is different now. My family was suffering more when I was with dh. I endured mental abuse too long, and the physical started last year. Horrendous stuff that the average person knows nothing about, and some church people still think he is a great guy and good Christian.
Our "broken home" is finally healing--with me as a single parent and hardly any money!
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I am on bpkids and it is a wonderful support!
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My first thought was bipolar or other bio-chemical issues.
I woudl try to get in to a adolescent psychiatrist ASAP--even going in through the emergency services program, etc.
What you write sounds so much like my friend's son who is 17. I have thought bipolar since I met him 10 years ago but the doctor they saw didn't agree.
Things kept getting worse and worse and the physical violence did start. Right after Christmas he stepped in front of a semi and barely survived. He may never walk again and might have a long term brain injury. He though did get on the correct meds for bipolar and his mom reports that he is the best he has been since he was a very young child.
I urge you to get professional help NOW. Ask about bipolar, a mood disorder, etc. Do some research, etc.
Sadly, amny drs don't understand or believe taht teens and even children can have bipolar. This is going to be more of a problem with the new DSM recommendation that kids be dxed with something else called "Temper disregulation syndrome" instead of bipolar.
my ds did better on meds but refuses now to believe he needs them. I have had several bad scares with him. he tried to run away for no apparent reason up I85 on a bike. Not very rational thinking! He was found beaten and drunk on the roadside another time, and told the psychiatrist who evaluated him taht his main proble in life is "my mom" and that he was beaten into a gang. It made no sense. he was in that mood state for weeks. Eventually I saw him and he gave me the most sweet hug. i have not had many hugs from him since he was little. he has been violent with me and his siblings. My dh will beat him up if they both are having mood problems.
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He may just need medication.:iagree:
yes, we had a very good counselor who told me that with ppl like my dh and ds, it's like "pissing in the wind" to try to counsel them without meds. You can do all the counseling in the world and get nowhere if the person needs meds. my dh and ds need them. Trust me, they do. They CAN be wonderful ppl, but so irrational and awful when they are unstable.
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Please restart the guitar lessons, and please apologize to him for stopping them. Please have a soul-searching talk with your dh about ways you may, inadvertently, be making this boy feel disrespected. Then, go together with your dh to your son and give him a heartfelt apology. Ask him what you and dh could do to make him feel loved. Be humble.
As emeraldjoy said (one of the best messages I've read on these forums), it's all about building the relationship. Giving your son the knitting night sounds excellent. Just make sure you do something that night that he wants, that he likes, that it is all about him. Sacrificing now could save you years of heartache later.
Please consider keeping up, or even increasing the days your son spends with the carpenter, if he likes it. Please don't send him to school. A good friend's son sounds so much like your boy, and it was at school that he got in with someone who started getting him drugs. He wouldn't have had access at home. You will once again likely save yourself some more trouble by keeping him home with you, especially if dh steps up his involvement, and most importantly, if you and dh seek a new, sincere approach to your relationship with him.
I cannot echo emeraldjoy enough: it's all about the relationship you choose to build with him.
AMEN and AMEN again.......
and I wish I had never sent my kid to school, where he had more access to bad kids, troubled kids, drugs, etc. Plus he has problems i the classroom due to inattention, outbursts, etc. so he felt stupid and the teachers who didn't know how to handle him acted very ugly toward him. Very few teachers seem to actualyl care about troubled kids these days and just wish they'd drop out. My son is smart and loves to read, loves music, etc. He needs those good things in his life.
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:iagree: Have you had him checked out by his pediatrician to rule out depression, ADHD, bipolar or other biochemical issues? I second some type of program like Teen Challenge or Scared Straight -- some ex-user counseling him on the truth behind drugs and alcohol. He sounds very determined and strong-willed? That is a tough call. Hang in there. :grouphug:
if he does have an issue like ADHD or bipolar, especially a mood disorder, those programs are usually mroe detrimental than helpful. i realized a better option was to rersearch residential treatment facilities.
There is some good information on this website: http://www.bpkids.org.
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I completely agree! My husband went undiagnosed for years. He self medicated and had much of the behavior you describe your son having. It does not go away and my dh has stuggled with it all of his adult life as well. His mother still has a difficult time accepting that it is more than depression(which she readily accepts as she suffers from this herself)as he has been diagnosed as bipolar. This could have been dealt with so many years ago and it is so sad to me. Please take him to a psychiatrist (or two or three til you get the results that you are comfortable with). I completely understand not wanting to medicate and always hesitate to even give Advil, but in this case, if it can help your child to have a normal life, the outcome may be worth it. It has been a roller-coaster ride around here for years(I have been with husband since I was 17 and he was 23~he had already been dealing with this stuff since he was 15, and depressed from an even earlier age, poor man). It takes a lot of love and understanding, and seeking help will also help YOU to know how to deal with him. Sending many hugs!!!!!!!!!!
Same thing with my dh, except he does not believe that he has a mental illness andwon't get help for it. He tried meds and they worked. Then he went off them. he's been declining for several years and abusing us, which got to the intolerable point last fall. I finally left him in Feb. I won't go back. Untreated mmental illness is very hard to stomach. It's a crying shame more teens don't get the help they need, because that's when MI manifests itself.
Domestic violence, abuse...how many?
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
THIS....although I'm not a lawyer, LOL...I am reasonably intelligent but I've felt like I'm losing my mind for a long long time.