My husband, daughter, and I temporarily live with his father who is the guardian of his niece (my husband’s sister’s daughter) also the cousin of our daughter. They are 6-7 years apart and live like siblings, I suppose. We don’t have the authority to discipline the oldest kid (R) and the youngest kid (K) is just old enough to understand right from wrong. Ever since we moved in, R has been difficult. She won’t listen to me, bullies K, and gets even worse with grandma. Since I studied psychology in school, I always ask her why she acts the way she does. Often she will say ‘I don’t know’ or admits she gets away with everything. She only stops stuff if she gets spanked or popped in the mouth for talking back, raising voice, breaking things, etc. R is 9 years old, and it really concerns me that she continues to disobey grandparents and all of us adults because she knows she can get away with it. I will correct her or explain why certain behavior is not okay. I only get more involved when R directs behavior toward our daughter K, who is under the age of 2. First I noticed R creating roles in pretend play where K is a peasant, dumb, or homeless troll type character. Of course R is queen, higher-than, the most powerful and smart character. K doesn’t seem to feel bad but I do notice her push R away if she’s physically teasing her. K is also very good at saying ‘no’ now. So there is the hierarchical system R has created, and this extends into territory, toys, shared experiences, etc. K has to stay in her corner with her toys because R does not know, or rather, want to share. If our daughter K has something, R has to feel special too. I have tried to teach her to be happy for others and not covet, but it seems like this is ingrained in her personality now. My husband and I will move out soon, but not soon enough. He was raised differently by his father (R’s grandpa), so he does not agree with how R gets away with everything. Granted, they’re older and grandparents now. We’ve voiced the disrespect coming from R; on K’s birthday they refused to come and kicked us out for saying anything bad about R’s behavior. Any advice? Gentle parenting has not worked for R. No amount of sitting and talking, listening, time-out, reward and consequences works. It’s sad to say but only a noticeable decrease in disrespect comes after spanking. Yes, it scares a child to correct their misbehavior. But Grandma and I always make time for communication, and yet, R disrespects us the most. From what I know, she’s only been spanked a handful of times in her life. What to do?