LVG
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Posts posted by LVG
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Does anyone live in, or has lived in a townhouse with kids?
We are about a year out from buying a home, and with housing prices being so high, and bidding wars on everything, one thing we are considering is new townhouse in a planned community. It’s about 50-75k or even 100k cheaper than a new single family home (which are also available in this neighborhood). There is a pool, walking and biking trails, and lakes for paddle boarding and such. Eventually there will be shops within the community, but all of this is still under development. The agent wasn’t sure when the amenities would all be completed.
We have never really considered a townhouse before. We’ve owned houses in the past and they have all been single family homes in neighborhoods. We have 3 kids 10 and under and a dog. We have always had a yard, so I just can’t visualize how a townhouse might be for them, but I wonder if all the amenities may make up for the loss of yard space. I do enjoy gardening and landscaping, but at the same time it takes a lot of time and money.
Has anyone here raised kids in a community like this, or a townhouse? Did you love it or hate it? Pros and cons? -
Thank you all so much! This is super helpful! I’m not exactly sure which job they would put me on…loading/unloading or sorting or whatever else. I’m really in the dark since I haven’t spoken to anyone! Sounds like I may need to go with one of the other positions that I’m interviewing for if offered a job! I’m almost 40, and in decent shape, but certainly not in top shape with the occasional back spasm, which may become daily in doing a job like this!
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Has anyone had this job? I’ve applied to over 20 jobs, and have had UPS officially hire me, but have yet to hear from HR. The entire process is online, so all I’ve gotten so far is an email stating my start date. I have also heard back from a hotel for a housekeeping position, and meeting with a coffee shop next week for a Barista position. I’m worried about holding out for the UPS start date, and then realizing they won’t give me enough hours to make it worth my time, or enough pay (it’s an hour drive one way), or it won’t be as long term as I need it to be (at least 18 months). Just wondering if anyone has worked this position and what your experience was, what’s the pay like (it says up to $16 an hour, but not what the starting pay is and how quickly you move to that upper hourly rate…This is in NC), how many hours were typical for a week, and will I be working with only teens and college kids, or are there older people there too? I’ve read reviews online, but would be nice to hear from others!
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2 minutes ago, LVG said:
I’m basically in her front yard, and my kids toys are in her house mainly…so there’s no real avoiding the issue. She does not get drunk, just tolerates her alcohol well I guess.
Also, this fall we will have baseball in addition to church, and I may sign my daughter up for cheering…so that should help keep us a bit more busy and not home every single night.
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2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:
I was just wondering if the visits were arranged or spontaneous. Walking in on her and seeing the beer or calling ahead etc. I would definitely consider calling ahead of the kids were going over. Not sure grandma would clean up the beer and make sure to be sober, though.
I’m basically in her front yard, and my kids toys are in her house mainly…so there’s no real avoiding the issue. She does not get drunk, just tolerates her alcohol well I guess.
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Thank you all for your wonderful responses! You have really given me some things to think about! This time to live in the camper on her property was also for us to determine if we may want to build there. It’s something we have always talked about, and I think it’s something we would have always wondered about had we not given it a try. As many of you stated, clearly my body is responding to the red flags I’ve had in the back of my mind this whole time. I love my mom, and I am praying hard for her. I talked to her this evening about halting the plans to do any further clearing or anything to prepare the land, and she was so supportive and understanding. I did not discuss the drinking, but I do plan to gently talk to her about my concerns for her well being at some point. Thank you all so much! I’m really glad I posted about this.
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8 minutes ago, Catwoman said:
I think this post is perfect.
One thing I might add is that if you think your mom is self-medicating with the drinking, can you find a way to spend time with her in the evenings so she’s not sitting around alone, trying to distract herself from worrying about your stepdad? It’s terrifying to think that a loved one’s time is limited, and it is horrible to know that someone you love is suffering and that there is nothing you can do to save them. Maybe your mom needs some company to help her cope with everything that is going on in her life. She may not want to burden your stepdad with her worries, so maybe you and she can be a team, where you both talk openly about your anxiety and concerns.
I do spend every evening with her, but so far that hasn’t helped. I invite her places too, but she never wants to go.
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2 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:
I don't know anything about how much drinking constitutes a problem or alcoholism, so I'll leave that to others to address. But aside from that it seems to me that you're borrowing a whole lot of trouble. Your mom is only 57. For reference, I'm 58. I have a DH who has stage IV cancer. I understand some of what your mom may be going through. Why would or should she be expected to feel much hope right now? Dealing with a spouse's terminal illness is by no means an easy thing to do. It's one of those things that's not for the feint of heart. Please don't impose some sort of misguided toxic positivity expectation on her. (And for full disclosure I'm also not a church goer, although I don't see how religion or lack thereof really plays into any of this.)
But other than the questionable amount of drinking it sounds as if she's fully functioning, fully capable. Sure she'll likely need you in the future. But that very well may be 15 or more years down the road. Could be 30 or more. It may sound harsh to say this, but at 57 and barring major health issues of her own--she likely doesn't need you for anything other than (perhaps) some moral support.
And gently, it also sounds like your hypochondria is type of borrowing trouble. I've had my own brush with health anxiety (but no one around me was anywhere close to sick at the time), and it's a horrible thing to deal with.
I do think you would benefit from some counseling. Good for you for getting that set up. I also believe you would benefit from some medication. When I was dealing with the worst of my health anxiety I did a short course (a year or so) of an anti-depressant and it helped me tremendously. The mental peace it brought to me was wonderfully welcome.
Best of luck getting it sorted out. Messy seasons of life are hard.
I definitely feel a lot of sympathy for her, and I know the alcohol is really her way of coping with this. I definitely don’t judge her for it, I am just very concerned for her. I have encouraged her to find a support group, or seek therapy, but she won’t. I definitely don’t expect her to give a lot of positive vibes, and had hoped I would be that place of positivity for her, but I am now struggling with my own mental health and feel I’m becoming more of a burden than a blessing. I am so sorry about your DH.
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4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:
It seems like your mom has welcomed you with open arms, and that she is going to feel kicked in the teeth if you tell her you are moving to get away from her.
My suggestion would be to avoid talking about the future for a while, and even avoid thinking about it. Resolve in your head that you’re not going to build there, but don’t talk about it. Instead, talk about how grateful you are to be able to get onto your feet financially, and focus on that.
Even after discussing and making the decision to build next to her, she has always mentioned that we might decide it’s not the right place for us, so although I think she would be disappointed to hear we are leaning more toward other options, I don’t think she would be totally shocked. Our initial plan was to build in a location closer to the city, but with prices increasing and the market being so crazy, we felt that building here would be the best financial decision. She knows I’ve had some hesitations about the idea of living here, but I’ve tried to justify it over the last several months. When we moved here to live in the camper, we never had plans of it being long term, so I don’t think she would take it as we are trying to get away from her.
I have already brought up to my stepdad this morning that we are considering other options because he has a skid steer and has continued to push off the area where we were planning to build. I didn’t want him to keep putting time into that, and he is also pushing us to go ahead and mark the driveway so he can work on it…so I wanted to be up front that we are not sure what we are going to do so he wouldn’t continue to put in all that effort (which we never asked him to do).
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37 minutes ago, Catwoman said:
Is there any way your mom might be willing to make some lifestyle changes if she knew how important it was to you?
I am not sure. I’ve never really talked to her about it, in fear that she would feel I’m judging her. She has quite a wall up toward people who go to church…feeling they are just judgmental, and I’ve tried to be careful in not furthering those negative feelings.
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14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:
Ok, well 20 minutes is not that far.
How long until you can build? And will it be a home you could sell if you wanted without upsetting the family?
If we build it would be at least the middle of 2023 before we could start, and if we built here we could never sell as it would be right next to my mom. She has 7 acres with no neighbors really, so adding a home next door with potential new neighbors would be an issue.
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6 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:
It sounds like being that close to your mom is going to mess with your ability to raise your kids well, and that she would be the default ‘babysitter’ if something happened to you. I wonder whether your anxiety about your own health has to do with that, in the back of your mind.
You gave up a great deal to make this move—friends, a mostly good neighborhood, a large enough home—so just simple unhappiness is in the mix. It’s natural to mourn losses.
If I were you, I think I would be working very hard to improve your situation financially but not necessarily to start building or even pursue plans for that. I’d set a deadline about a year out to get the financial piece nicely stabilized, and assume that this placement is temporary.Yes, yes and yes! I have major anxiety about something happening to me and her being the main person in their life helping my husband…and it stresses me out because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choices and I don’t want that the be a major part of my kids lives!
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5 minutes ago, Acadie said:
My kids are both teens. There was a time when they were little when we thought of moving for various reasons, and did not. Looking back, the biggest reason I wish we had moved was for a better sense of community and a neighborly feeling. I hear you on the potential for downsides with neighbors for sure, but through the lens of my experience I'd listen to the feeling in your gut that questions if this is the best place for your family in terms of community.
The most important consideration for where you live is your family's needs, not your mom's. If being there is causing you to question deeply if this is right for your family, maybe you could dip your toe into exploring your other options. Is there a place where you'd be closer to the things you like to do and the cost of housing could be at least a bit lower than what you were paying before? Could you stay in the camper short term, helping you get to a better place financially not to build on your mom's land but to buy, build or rent elsewhere? Can you see employment and income opportunities expanding as your kids get older?
Where are you in the process of building? Have you made any big financial commitments that you can't reverse at this point? If not, this is actually an excellent time to explore your options. If you have made commitments you still may have options, and it could be much easier to extricate yourself now than further in the process.
Does dh share any of your concerns?
As far as cheaper cost of living than what we previously had, that is probably not an option in this market with where we would ideally like to be location wise. At this time we have not made any financially commitments other than the camper, which we could always sell. We have one major loan we want to have paid off before we proceed and that will be done around October of 2022. Until then we are sort of stuck here. That idea I don’t mind, but I think the idea that this location is going to be our forever location is weighing on me, as I would never build next to my mom and then sell it if I wasn’t happy…since that would give her a new neighbor right next door. She’s on 7 acres with no neighbors really next to her, so I wouldn’t want to cause disruption with that if we chose to sell.
DH is very concerned about my mental health right now. He doesn’t want to build here if this is how I’m going to be. I can’t pinpoint us building and being here forever being the only issue, but I do think it’s a major one that I’m struggling with…it just feels so permanent.
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11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:
Living near your mom is important and will become more important as she ages. How old is she? Would she be likely to consider moving near you if you moved back to a more urban area?
She is only 57. If we moved it would only be about 20 minutes away, so not that far. I don’t know if she would or not. She’s been here in this community her entire life.
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No, she isn’t concerned about the drinking. Her motto in life has always been “you have to die of something, why not die doing what you enjoy”…her excuse for drinking and smoking I guess.
We actually live in our camper next to her, so there is no avoiding it. We plan to build next to her, which is part of my concern. We still have the choice not to do that, but it’s going to be a hard decision.
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She drinks about 5 beers nightly. She doesn’t get drunk as she’s a large lady and I guess can hold her alcohol well. I just know it’s something she’s become dependent on because she said a while back she was going to stop and only drink on the weekends because it was so expensive, and that lasted a week.
She hasn’t said she feels hopeless, but I just don’t see any hope. She goes to work, comes home, drinks her beer, goes to bed and repeats. The weekends consist of her just sitting around the house, usually starting her drinking around noon. She does cook for us most weekends, but never wants to go anywhere or do anything (which has actually always been the case for her).
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I don’t post often, but you all have been so helpful the few times that I have, that I wanted to seek help here for now. This will be long, so I appreciate anyone willing to read and respond!
First, I am setting up counseling, and I have been, and plan to go back to the doctor in a couple of weeks, but I’m just looking for advice for now from others who have maybe walked down a similar path, or someone who can offer encouragement.
I am struggling deeply with a lot of anxiety. I’ve had stress in the past that I dealt with and moved past, but this is different and almost debilitating. I have an intense fear that I have some kind of medical issue (hypochondria aka health anxiety). My doctor assures me I do not, and it’s just anxiety. I believe her, but for whatever reason my mind just constantly things about the “what if’s”…like what if it’s not just anxiety, what if I do have something scary. My symptoms are very consistent with anxiety, and I know that the likely hood of it being something else is low, especially with how healthy of a lifestyle I have (mainly due to my fears of developing something from an unhealthy lifestyle). Anytime I get any sort of twinge, tingling, etc, I immediately start to think “what if”, and I feel short of breath, my stomach gets upset, and I can barely make myself do whatever needs to be done around the house because I’m so anxious.
There are several factors I’m dealing with. First, we moved 10 months ago (I actually posted about that here, and you all gave us the encouragement and things to consider to help with that decision). Our goal in selling and moving has been to pay off debt and then build a house (good goal, right), well all I can concentrate on is how much time we have left before we start the process of building (we live in our camper right now), which sends me into a panic. I never imagined I would have these kind of feelings (because we did the camper life before), but I think this time we are older, our kids are older, and I just feel like we shouldn’t be at this point in life. We not only moved because we wanted to be in the country and build, but because we also were tired of living paycheck to paycheck and wanted to change that cycle by taking this time of living in a camper to pay down debt. Second, we plan to build beside my mom, but I’m having a hard time with that decision. I love my mom, and we get along great, but she lives about 30 min to an hour from everything we do in life (husbands work, church, friends). Honestly, I don’t mind the drive at all, but all I can think of is how far the kids will have to drive when they are older to see friends, to attend co-op, to go to church (they are only 5, 8, and 10 now). However, I see the need to be here right now for sure, which leads me to the third thing causing my anxiety…My stepdad has a terminal illness and often needs my help. I know part of my anxiety is also coming from watching him go through this. My mom has also taken up a daily drinking habit (I assume to deal with my the inevitable with my stepdad) and I’m concerned about that as well. I worry about my kids watching her bad habits (not meaning to judge her, but just a concern I have, and also how they will handle it when their papa passes). Lastly, and something I’ve struggled with for a long time is the feeling that we just don’t have enough community. We have friends that we see pretty often, but I have been spoiled in the past from having good friends as neighbors where I saw them daily…and I’m missing that daily interaction. At the same time I’ve been in those same situations where I had issues with a neighborhood kid and hated that for my kids, so I guess there’s a trade off to every perk. I thought being out in the country without neighbors would be nice, and my kids seem to enjoy it (although my boys miss playing daily with the kid that was across the street), my husband loves it, but I’m having a hard time! Also, my mom now being our daily neighbor to interact with is causing me a lot of anxiety. She is nothing like us…she doesn’t go to church, she smokes and drinks, and just overall lives with no hope. That’s not the daily interaction I long for, but at the same time I feel like we are her light and hope in this dark time for her. I think about the future and the “what if’s” of something happening to me from an illness I don’t even have, and I feel like my kids and husband would be very lonely here, and that sends me into a panic. I know this fall when baseball games, homeschool co-ops, etc start back up, and we are busy, maybe I won’t feel so anxious, but for now I’m just looking for someone else who has maybe had a season like this, and what you did to overcome these feelings! I’m praying, reading books, listening to podcast, and reading the Bible (not as much as I probably should), but what else can I do?
Thanks for any input🙂
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Peter Pan- no, he does not have speech issues. I do plan to look into having an eval done. He has a lot of attention issues that have gotten worse this year. Before this year it seemed to be only during reading lessons and read aloud, but now I’m seeing it across the board. I have some supplements and a few diet modifications I’m going to try and see if that helps, but yes I do know an eval is needed asap!
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Thank you all for your replies!! Very helpful! I will be looking into each of these!
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My 8 year old DS is still on a K level in reading...well maybe not even a solid K. I would say he is still really a non reader. We use My Fathers World. For 1st grade we used their reading program, which worked well for my daughter. She struggled through 1st, but by the start of 2nd it all clicked and she is an excellent reader now as a 3rd grader. I thought the same pattern was occurring with DS, but at the start of 2nd this year things just never clicked. I started the year with 20 easy lessons to read program, and he made zero progress and hated it. After 6 weeks we changed it up and I started doing my own thing. I’ve watched some info and programs on YouTube using the Ortin Gillingham method, and have created my own thing from that info. We just started at the beginning of letter sounds, and are still on CVC words at this point. I’m just doing lots of games and repetition. We are also using Nessy (when it works), and I’m using where he is on there as a guide to what we are doing for lessons. I really need some basic CVC word book sets for him to read, or maybe even considering investing in another reading program. I’ve been hesitant to invest loads of money into something, worried that it may not work any better than what I’m already doing myself, but at this point I’m willing to try anything! What have you used that has worked well, or do you have any good book sets you would recommend that I can throw into our routine?
His dad and grandfather also struggled in reading. His dad repeated 2nd grade because of his difficulty with reading. They did eventually read, and have very successful careers, so I’m not freaking out too bad.
I taught special Ed...specifically kids with learning disabilities for 10 years before coming home to be with my own kids. I used SRA reading with them, but I don’t think you can just buy that as a homeschooler since they require training...plus it was pretty boring and dry from what I can remember. It did work well though, but again, I don’t think I can buy that.
Just looking for encouragement from others who have had this struggle, and some suggestions to add to what we are doing, or suggestions on programs that really do work well.
Thanks!
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I just wanted to give an update. I am so glad posted this because what started off as a post that was truly just us worried about dragging our kids through another move in the future, and ruining their lives, turned into us realizing this house isn’t worth the sacrifices we are making to stay just to give us a place to call home. We bought the house because we had been renting in our temporary location for 5 years, and then during DHs job transition we moved into the camper for 1.5 years. We thought we NEEDED to buy a house for the kids to have a place to call home, and stability. We knew it would be tight financially, but thought the sacrifices of not being able to travel much (Another dream we have always had), delaying our dream of country life, and pinching pennies would be worth it. However, we realize that it’s not!
What you all helped us open our eyes to us that home is not a house, it’s our family. No matter where we live, or what we live in, as long as we are together, that’s all that matters. We also realized that time is ticking, and now is the time to make yet another transition while they are still little enough to be excited, and not angry at us.
So with that, we have decided to hopefully rent the house out, or sell depending on what the realtor says. We will go back to living in a camper at my moms. We will be debt free in 17 months, and that is with us putting aside a bit each month for traveling our beautiful state. The kids can’t wait and are packing their rooms😂. Apparently the attachments I thought they had developed to this house and their friend across the street, wasn’t all that deep!
Thank you so much for the input. Had I not put this out there, we probably would have stayed for the sake of trying to create stability for the kids, but we see now that stability equals family and financial freedom. So thank you!
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3 minutes ago, Dreamergal said:
You don't have to answer this, but will you inherit your mother's place ?If so, Can you add to the existing house with separate entrances so it cuts down on build time and still gives privacy ? You can look into the equity of your current home.
The suburban house you are describing is like what ours is. I absolutely think twice and then again before selling. When we bought ours, it was in a semi-rural up and coming area of an established suburban area where the school district was already a very good and one of the selling points. We bought our house new and cheap. We have lived there 14 years. In that time, our area has grown rapidly with all shops, restaurants and movie theaters, even a huge hospital within 10-15 minutes drive time. Our little rural road became an artery. The price of what we thought was our starter home has almost doubled we never plan to move. Our area is highly sought after, so if we ever move we plan to rent it out.
Yes, I will inherit her house, but it's not really what we want in a house. If we ever decided to stay and build next door, our plan was to use her house for one of the kids if they ever wanted it, or just to fix up and use as a guest house for them and their families. If we decided not to stay there and build, I will probably just keep it for the kids to have if they want it one day.
What you described is EXACTLY where we are. It used to be rural, then neighborhoods started popping up. Ours was build in the 70s. Since then, more larger and expensive homes have come up all around us. We have everything you would ever need right down the road...theater, restaurants, shops, hospital, etc. We are technically in the city, but it's really more of the suburbs I guess...the realtor called it a "bedroom" community...our city is just so small it doesn't take long to get downtown..so once you're out of the city/suburbs, you go right into the country.
What I feel like moving back out to her house will do for us, is help us really determine how "country" we want to go. We will know in that 15 or so month time frame if living that far out is actually something we could do long term...I don't see it happening, but maybe. Also if we decide after the debt is paid that, you know what, we hate the country life after all, and want to move back to the city...there is land scattered around to build on, or we could find a house that fits more of what we desire.
Renting it out is definitely something we are going to talk more about though!
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23 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:
I wonder about the wisdom of moving and selling right now and then building later.
What if land or building prices go up in the mean time? (That’s what would happen here.). Then you would be selling at a lower price than you would get later, and the dream you are planning for could move out of reach.
Are you in an area that people who want to WFH want to move to? If so then that’s an even higher possibility.
I’d strong suggest thinking this through before deciding to sell right now. It sounds like your place is in a very desirable location and perhaps you could rent it out for a while to cover your expenses and save up for the Next Big Move, while living at your mom’s.
The land and building prices here will go up, but not by a ton. Renting it out is definitely an option, but not sure how my husband will feel about that. Something to discuss more for sure.
10 minutes ago, Pen said:Is there any possibility of getting a smaller less expensive suburb home to reduce debt significantly while living part time in rural situation at your moms?
Does your mom feel good about having you there?
In my rural area there are a number of people with multi generations living together on same property. Having separate dwellings helps a lot to get some distance. If people mostly get along, it seems to work really well for mutual help for gardening, town trips, combined meals, etc. Even sometimes fewer vehicles needed. Shared internet. Etc . There can be quite a few savings if it is possible.
I don't think so...we live in what's considered a less expensive suburb home now. It's highly sought after because it's one of the few neighborhoods on this side of town left that's affordable.
My mom would LOVE for us to come back. She would love for us to build right beside her. I'm an only child, so we are very close, but VERY different. I don't really think I would be happy there long term because of the distance and the culture of the people being very different from us, but maybe after living there and carrying on with our normal day to day life, I could figure out if that's a possible route we want to take long term. Every week when we go visit, we imagine a house on the hill, a garden, chickens, and a little produce stand at the end of the driveway:). I worry about her future there all by herself if something happens to my step dad soon before her...he has a degenerative condition where we will be shocked if he hangs on another 5 years...so that sits in the back of my mind as well. Living there for this little stint of time, could give us a better view of if we could live happily that far out, or are we pretty miserable and ready to move closer to where we are now.
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8 minutes ago, Pen said:
What do the kids feel? Do they want to stay where they are?
They are excited about moving. We have talked it up to being an adventure if it’s something we decide to do, and they are on board. I think if we wait like we had initially planned, we won’t have that same excitement, but I just don’t want them to look back on their childhood and think...gosh, we moved all the time and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere....
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Townhouse vs House
in The Chat Board
Posted
Thanks for all of the great feedback! HOAs are definitely something to consider so we will have to look at all of the numbers. I do have concerns about the dog too…he’s not exactly the friendliest…Mini Australian shepherd and very protective, so we would really need to consider that.