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StellaM last won the day on January 24

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About StellaM

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    Beekeeping Professor

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  1. It's disrespectful to the worker, and it's not funny at all. I don't know who these people are who think using your food delivery person as the butt of an internet joke makes you any kind of genuinely humourous person. I saw an Uber Eats guy come off his scooter the other day on a 4 lane road, had to have someone pull the scooter off him, he was injured (I think just superficial grazes to his body but still) and in shock, and wouldn't go to the medical centre to get checked out because he'd get a bad review or whatever for being late with the food. In fact, he was more worried about the scooter and the food than himself. So off he drives, still in shock, just to get someone's food to them, 'cos that's the most important thing, clearly. And yet some people think 'oh how funny to open the door nude to our driver'. Privileged twits.
  2. The difficulty, I think, is that parent is not actively abusive anymore. If they were, it would be easier to simply wash my hands of it all. However, I've been musing on the idea of mercy. Selfishly, I feel like I'm the one in need of mercy from me. Permission to stay low-contactish as possible right now. Is that OK, do you reckon?
  3. Parent has had geographical and financial access to psychological assistance for their own trauma for at least 30 years, but has not availed themselves of it in that time! I guess that's a choice they made, and it doesn't, as you say, mean sibs and I have to take on any particular role in response.
  4. Thanks Laura, stealing this to use myself. Mostly to myself atm. It definitely brings a sense of relief, especially 'I don't explain further'.
  5. This is a very helpful post, thanks, especially the bolded. Parent had signficant trauma as a child and it is most definitely unresolved 60+ years later. I can actually 'see' the fear they are currently experiencing, and I can also see the anxiety it's causing them to experience sibs and I withdrawing. It's a vicious circle; the more anxiety and fear they have, the worse they behave, and the less we can be around, so the more anxiety and fear they have. I have compassion at a distance. It just doesn't get me (or sibs) through actually sitting in the same room, let alone taking on a caring role.
  6. 16 is turning out to be somewhat better, lol, only four years to go for you! (not for a million years would I redo 12-15, ugh). I feel for you.
  7. Money for care isn't a problem for parent, put it that way. When you get a moment (and if you'd like to) can you expand a bit on structure being the key ?
  8. Sending stupid amounts of love and hugs xxx
  9. If you don't mind answering; a PM is also fine. My siblings and I are freaking out. Our 'difficult' parent (who physically, emotionally and psychologically abused us in our childhood but has been a large part of our lives as adults and somewhat more stable until recently) seems to be entering the foothills of a decline. Nothing serious. Yet. But none of us feel like we can cope with what might be down the track. Until recently, I always assumed I'd care. Because I'd told myself for a long time I'd forgiven. But I haven't, and I am having trouble even staying in the same room as parent at the moment. Siblings struggling in similar ways. What decisions have you made around eldercare when it was required, especially if all siblings felt equally panicked at the thought of personal care? Interested to hear about all solutions, from providing care in person to no contact even during decline. Thanks.
  10. Sometimes, but not from my home. From other people's homes, and from school camps etc. It was always pretty innocent, though sometimes a bit dangerous (there was a time we climbed out on a hotel roof, another time we almost got ourselves lost in the bush).
  11. Kitchen is a tricky one, because it's hard to find joy there (or it is for me). But I also never start with clothes but with books. So, do whatever you feel drawn to do!
  12. Reminds me a lot of the saying about democracy, that it's the worst form of government, except for all the others. Perhaps family, as a social structure, is similar!
  13. That bit of the article is mostly prejudice, with a pinch of truth. It's not as if all non-traditional families (the ones progressives supposedly champion) are dancing about celebrating indecent family behaviour. I mean, non trad families are just as boring as trad families 🙂 It's all 'use your words!' with the littlies and 'what time do you need me to pick you up, Mum, for the doctor's appt' for the elders, whether you're a single mom, a gay couple or whatever. The pinch of truth is that progressive families are less likely to be authoritarian, and while many are simple authoritative instead, you are more likely to find permissive styles of parenting in that cohort than in more conservative families. And there can be a certain indulgence of the individual in permissive styles (I'd include myself as quite on the permissive side, so no shade to anyone who self-identifies that way).
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