Garga
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Posts posted by Garga
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6 hours ago, Ginevra said:
Today’s accomplishment: I took a shower! Granted, I’m totally exhausted from it, but it does feel nice to be cleaned up a bit.
This is the first day I can stand up without being dizzy and having the room rock and roll. On the agenda: nap, water, nap, water, nap, drink bone broth, water, nap.
Good plan! Take it easy without any guilt!
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I had a bum knee for over a year and every step was painful. I got covid a few months ago and stayed on my Lazy boy for 10 days straight, from pure exhaustion.
At the end of the 10 days, I got up and ever since then, I’ve only have tiny twinges of knee pain. Covid cured my knee! Not really—but the resting sure did.
There’s something to be said for resting the body when it needs it. I didn’t realize that my knee needed a long rest to get better.
Covid is not the time to push through. Prop yourself up on a comfy chair/bed, and rest rest rest. And hydrate.-
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On 11/22/2023 at 2:00 PM, wathe said:
Thanks everyone. We went with the TC5 Classic wash. Mostly because it's most similar to what I"m already used to.
I'm glad to hear that everyone is happy with their models. I think that either one would have suited us just fine - that's what made the decision difficult 🙂
Hi! I’m going to get either the TC5 or the TR5 on Saturday. So—you’re happy with your TC5?
I have an electric blanket and electric mattress warmer and the instructions say to soak for x minutes (like 4 or 5), then to spin, then to rinse and soak for 2 or 3 minutes.
On the TC5, can I control the settings enough to let it soak for just a few minutes and then switch it to spin? -
37 minutes ago, gstharr said:
Wow, I am surprised by how few of us there are in this discussion. To be honest, my kid had no assigned chores growing up. Occasionally, I would ask him to help me fold clothes, or to take out the trash, or every now and wash the car. My reason was that I had him doing so many things k-12, that I didn't have the heart to take a minute of his free time away (e.g. afterschool math and science, athletics and competitions, math circle, then his own ECs --debate, robotics, building a race car with a school team, and socializing). Now, he will be briefly home for this summer after freshman year, and he still has precious little down time. For example, he took a final this morning, had to finish moving out his dorm, and now is on a six hour flight home. First thing in the morning, he will be on-lining something for one of his summer employment programs, then in the afternoon doing something in person for another program. So, I don't expect him to much of anything else when he is here. He is pulling his weight in a way I see more beneficial for him and me than having him mow the lawn or something.
But what if your son didn’t do after school math and science or athletic competitions or math circle and his own EC’s? No debate, no robotics, no race car, but yes to limited socializing (introvert.) What if he doesn’t have summer employment programs?
The only activities they had to do when I homeschooled them was two days a week of karate lessons (I counted it as gym.) They didn’t like it because they wanted to stay home, but I insisted on one activity outside the house. I told them they could pick anything outside the house, but they had to pick one thing. They went with the karate and never picked anything else, though I’d ask them from time to time if they wanted something else and would offer suggestions.
In high school, they began working at McDonalds for about 6 hours a week, and dropped doing karate.
I didn’t make them do chores during the school year, except occasional chores like weekly trash night. My oldest is currently taking a summer college class and I’ll ask him to do probably just the dishes and that’s it.
Right now, DS19 has literally nothing to do all day. No planned activities. No job. No projects. Nothing. A few of the posters who are saying that they wouldn’t ask their kids to do chores, then go on to say that the kids have summer classes or jobs. He doesn’t and that makes a difference.
I saw how that went over the 6 week winter break. Let on his own, he didn’t putter around keeping busy even half the day. And he complained of being bored quite often, probably daily.
He’s a good kid and I’m not a harsh parent by a long shot, so it’s not like he’s suffering by being asked to do chores. I hold our relationship very highly and have gotten some wonderful tools from the hive for maintaining the dignity of all involved and practical tips for working together to come up with a plan for the summer. I do believe it would be a disservice to him to have no goals and no productivity all summer long. (3 full months—I thought it was 2.5, but it’s 3.).
I especially like the ideas of listing the work that needs to be done for us to choose, and not assigning due dates whenever possible so he can manage his own time. Maybe it’s my “problem” but I can’t watch a capable, smart young man fritter away 3 months. Maybe it’s my protestant work ethic upbringing, but I feel icky inside when I think about it. Two/three hours a day of productivity is all I’m asking. The other 13-14 hours are for him to fritter away as he wills.
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OP here: I finished work at 4:45 today, took the cat to the vet (with DS19s help) at 5:30, read the responses here, then cooked dinner.
I’ll write more (I’m typing between bites) but I wanted to add something else that comes to my mind through all this: the fact that men get married and then their wives take on the greater burden of domestic chores, and I really don’t want my son to be a man like that. So, I don’t think I want to go down the road of doing all the work for him or going with the idea that when he goes I’ll have to do it all (with DH) anyway. While that’s true, I don’t want him to have the mindset that chores are for other people, but not him. My future DIL deserves a husband who realizes that all adults in the house do housework, and do more if they don’t have a paying job lined up (or education or are homeschooling or have some other productive pursuit.)Also! Wanted to say that my son did the litter boxes and dishes, but not the couch stuff. However, he also attempted to fix a hinge that was wrong on his door and he MOWED THE LAWN WITHOUT ANYONE ASKING HIM! OMG!! I’m so happy about that! My DH and I hate mowing.
So, later, when I’ve finished eating, I’ll write more, but I’m already thinking the Garga family needs to write up a list of what needs to be done and let people choose. He clearly would rather mow than wash couch covers!
He’s a good kid. I was really shocked at his pushback. I figured I needed to come at this in a different way than I was and I’ve gotten a ton of awesome advice today from the hive.
FYI: We pay for his education 100% and all his clothes and his toiletries, etc. He has $0 income, so if we didn’t pay, he’d be naked and dirty and hungry. Paying for college is what my job is for, though I love my job. (I love, love, love my job.) But the main reason I started working was to pay for their college educations. (That’s a long story and a huge blessing that God dropped in my lap.)-
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4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:
And you don’t work right? I think that makes a difference too.
That would make a difference. From 6:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m., I’m prepping for work or working. From 5-10 is when I do everything else in life (relax, exercise, clean the house, shower, interact with and help family members, etc.). Then I’m in bed from 10-6.
If I had 11 extra hours a day to tend to the home or do all the things I squeeze into 5 hours, I wouldn’t ask the boys to do much either and I’d be happy to let them relax all day. And I’m not saying that in a snotty tone. I’d love to spoil them like that, but it’s just not reasonable for a grown man not to help out while his mom and dad are working or getting ready for work for 11 hours a day.-
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9 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:
Since he won't be working, could you pay him to do the extra things, like painting shelves, that go beyond daily chores?
Could you make a chore chart and put everybody in charge of different things? His would be more, but then maybe he would see that life is work.
I agree with giving a break, but the days of carefree summers....that's for kids and retirees.
Honestly, I don’t want to pay him, because I really want him to get a job. I don’t want to give him chores and tasks to do around the house, because that’s adding to my mental load to come up with the tasks and then explain to him how to do them. A job is eaiser for us all.
But I like the idea of a chore list so we can see all the things that need to be done and tackle them together.-
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20 minutes ago, MEmama said:
Is it possible he's burned out and just needs a break?
I freely admit I don't ask my college kid to do almost anything around the house when he's home on breaks. I *love* to spoil him 🥰 but also he's maxed out at university and really, truly needs the time to decompress. He does work though.
If my son worked, even if it was just a couple of days a week, then this would be entirely different. I would give him only the simplest of chores (dishes and maybe litter boxes.)
18 minutes ago, Arcadia said:My DS19 doesn’t finish his spring quarter until mid June. However he always needed a week’s break after spring quarter to just catch up on sleep. So if it is your son’s first week at home, I would focus on the clean up his room and do the dishes. My husband usually helps me hand wash the dishes and he takes about 30mins maximum.
I gave him that first week completely off. Didn’t even expect him to clean up his room or do dishes.
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He already had off last week and wasn’t asked to do anything, other than apply for jobs. If he waits much longer, he’ll be offered a job a week before he goes back to college.
Over the winter break which lasted for 6 weeks, neither son did anything around the house except dishes and litter boxes. They were entirely unproductive during that time. They barely did their own projects that they’d planned on doing. My oldest one sunk into a bit of depression and the youngest was booored all the time. Humans need to be a bit productive. I’m not a busy bee and am a firm believer in down-time, but not 2.5 months of 24/7 downtime. That much downtime is just as mentally unhealthy as running non-stop. There’s balance.
My thought is to give him up to 3 hours of work a day, 4 tops and 2 at a minimum. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, but wanted to know what everyone else thought.-
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I work from home from 7 a.m. until 4:30 or 5:30 p.m. (9-10 hours a day) DH works outside of the home, leaving at 7:30 and getting home at 5:30 (away from home for 10 hours) DS21 is taking summer classes that will take him 6 - 8 hours a day.
DS19 is on break from college. He was supposed to get a job, but is not taking action on finding a job. So today I asked him to scoop the litter boxes, keep up with the dishes, and wash the couch blankets and couch cover. I was about to add some more items to the list, when he began objecting.He told me that the chores would take him all day (huh?) and that he had things planned for his vacation. “What things”, I asked, because I’m open minded. His plans were things like going to antique stores and biking and doing a deep clean of his room.
When I told him the chores wouldn’t take all day, he said, “Well, they do take a long time, or else you wouldn’t put them off until now and ask me to do them,” (implying that I was lazy and foisting off my work on him.)
I told him that I work for 9-10 hours a day and yeah, it’s hard to keep up with some of the chores because there are just so many to juggle. He went back to how he wants to clean his room because he never has time to when he’s in school and he wanted his summer off to do things he can’t normally do. And I said, “So, when you are at college all day, it’s hard to keep up with your room, but I’m supposed to work all day and clean the living room, dining room, two bathrooms, a bedroom, and a kitchen? And plan meals and grocery shop? And tend to the cats and make the appointments? And help you and your brother navigate college? And everything else?”
I’m thinking, how dare he throw it up in my face that I don’t have time to do all the extra cleaning stuff, like couch covers, because I can barely keep up with the absolute minimum. But I stayed calm, other than an astounded frowny face.
I do gentle parenting, so I don’t come down hard on him in the moment, but this got my hackles up. I explained that while the other members of the household are working full time that he has the bandwidth to do some of the extra things around the house. I told him that this is life. You don’t get 2.5 months off to play when you’re an adult. You either go to college, work for money, or work to tend to the home while the other adults work.
So, how far do I go with giving him stuff to do around the house? If he will not go out and get a job (I’ve nagged him about it until I’m done nagging), then how many hours a day of stuff should I come up with for him to do? I am not a punitive person, so I’m not interesting in “teaching him a lesson”, but I do want to know what’s reasonable for a 19 yo college student to do to help out the family.If he hadn’t pushed back and had a good attitude, what’s a reasonable amount of work he can do while he’s on his summer vacation? I don’t expect him to do chores for 8-10 hours a day (probably can’t come up with that much work anyway!), so he’ll still have time to bike and go look in antique stores (he turns old forks and spoons into rings) and have time with friends. But how much time should he contribute to the house, and what sorts of things should he do?
I have some shelves that need to be painted and hung and the windows are all needing a good washing. And the cars, too. etc. So there are a few extra things that are piling up that aren’t the normal daily chores.ETA: This son is usually chill and reasonable and I’m shocked that he’s pushing back so much. Did not expect it from him. At all. This isn’t really like him, but I’m remembering that he had a bad attitude about it last summer, too, so it’s a trend.
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1 hour ago, Alison42 said:
I taught college for years and learned just how much all teachers need their summers off, as a homeschool teacher I'm no different! So we are pretty close to the local school calendars but since we have activities in three counties that follow three different school calendars it's really a blend of those and the calendar for the college my husband teaches at so we can take family vacations. After throwing all those in a blender we end up starting in early August but finishing the first week of May. I always consider taking more time off in December/January and extending the year but come April I remember why I don't, especially since by June it's already stinking hot outside.
As for the summer slide there is little doubt that people forget things, that is after all the role of short term memory in part, but the evidence that year round school helps improve student outcomes is mixed at best. The larger studies done on public schools have actually shown no increase in students, no conclusive idea why yet but lots of theories. Personally I fall in the camp that if you manage to forget it over two months you never really learned it in the first place and would probably forget it no matter what. The summer break for us is a good time to judge what was really learned and what was only crammed into short term memory and forgotten. If it was forgotten we take the time to really learn it the next year.
Good point about teacher needing the summer off. I used to do a ton of planning and prep work in the summer that I wouldn’t have had the time for while I was also schooling during the day.
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I’m done homeschooling (the boys are in college now), and I live in a state that required 180 days of school. My DH works at a college and gets off for 3 weeks in December, so I knew we also wanted those weeks off, plus his time off at spring break. I knew we’d also want some random days off in the school year just because (about 10 days off).
I also wanted the boys to somewhat follow the public school schedule, once they got old enough to realize that all their friends were on vacation and they were in school. I was able to homechool somewhat year round until they discovered “summer vacation” was a thing, right around when the oldest was in 2nd grade.
So, with all that, I’d have to do some calculations and try to match the start/end time as close to the schools as possible, but also account for 3 weeks off at Christmas and 3 days off at spring break and another 10 or so days throughout the school year “just because.”
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If my husband told me he sprayed the wood with something that could ruin it, I wouldn’t be angry. I would be a bit dismayed because I know that neither of us want ruined wood. And I’d have to tell him. “Oh wait, sweetie! That can totally ruin the wood. We need to wash that off.”
Texas’s husband pointed it out, but he didn’t seem at all angry from the account. It was an honest mistake, but not something that he could let go, because she might continue using the wrong product and completely ruin the wood over time by accident. It wasn’t going to be a one-time cleaning event.I kind of picture Texas’s husband a bit like Mister Rogers. Gentle and kind and not some villain that others want to paint him as. I mean, we’re all complex, so I’m sure he has bad moments as we all do, but her husband seems mild and trying his best. I think a few posters are searching for the villain in the story, but there isn’t one. Just two people who love each other and want to support each other, but don’t always know how (like a lot of us.)
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I can’t remember—does your husband know about that list of things from your past you shared earlier in the thread? If so, then if you continue to talk to him about the flooding, then he’ll understand a bit why you’re experiencing these feelings. If not, then you might need to tell him at some point.
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23 minutes ago, SKL said:
TP, your last post sounded like it worked out well. I would suggest that later, in a totally calm moment, you start telling your DH about the book you're reading and how it's helping you to think and work through bad feelings that arise from old injuries. You could designate a word to identify these kinds of feelings going forward. Maybe "flooding" like you used in your post. So next time, rather than just saying you're not mad at him, you could say "I'm doing that flooding thing again, I'll explain later." I think that would help both of you.
Texas—you guys did great!! You told him a bit about what was going on! That is such a huge step forward! We’re not going to pick apart how he might have reacted—this is new territory for him and he’s not going to get it perfect from the get-go. The fact that you came back and talked to him is SO BIG!! This is something to celebrate! I know I’m just a stranger, but I feel so proud of how you handled this!
SKL is absolutely right that you should tell your husband about the book and maybe he can even read it. And then I love the idea of having a code word like “flooding”. Perhaps in the moment, he could just hold you when you say that word, or let you hide for a bit, but then later, you could try to express to him what you felt.
I feel like this is a beautiful step forward for both of you.-
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The dark lens also seems to come at a time when you’re very tired. I think the last 3 times you came to us for support was when you were going on very little sleep. Lack of sleep is a powerful trigger for negativity (at least in my experience for myself and a few people around me.)
I was also thinking that when your husband “scoffed” it was probably coming from a place where he wanted to assure you that he was there for you: “You’re not an orphan! You have me!”
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To make matters worse, not only did I get your reaction to the meme wrong, but I’m the one with the advice to read books and watch movies!
I didn’t mean to necessarily do that while he’s out working and you shirk all your regular chores while he’s sweating away.
I meant that while your dh is away and you are home alone, you won’t have to keep up with him. Since you’re home alone you can do whatever you want, and I know you struggle with figuring out what you want. But you’ve also said that when you’re home alone, you don’t get much done. I was thinking that maybe this is the summer to embrace that and take a few weeks off. Just read the books and watch the tv and laze around. This is maybe your one shot to do that before your husband comes back and you’re back to being busy all day. Perhaps this is your only summer off for a long time, if he doesn’t go on trips without you in the future.
The idea is sort of like when a kid is leaving public school and has been so frazzled by it that they need a time to de-school before starting up homeschooling. Maybe it’s time to just chill and “be” for a few weeks without the pressure of anyone else being a busy bee around you.
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2 hours ago, TexasProud said:
Sometimes I get frustrated because I just must not say things very well. I was NOT caught up in the semantics. I thought I said that I completely agreed with it. Yes, I am not stupid, I completely understood what the meme was about. And YES. I agree with it. I agree with it. There can I say it any clearer. Sometime I get super frustrated because I am agreeing with y'all but you come back with something like this....
She says....allowing herself to feel anger. Recognizing that feeling dismissed and being suggested I am stupid has created a new emotional flashback for me. (And @Garga, I know that is probably not what you meant, but as he describes in the book, I hear my father's voice in your post.) Trying to step back and breath and not get caught up...
Oh nooo!!! I’m sorry! I misread your response to the meme. I read that you said, “that is NOT me at all” Ahh! But when I looked again, you said it IS you. Ack.
I”m sorry I put you through stress. (I’m at work and took a quick break and skimmed way too fast.)
I really do feel pretty bad that I got it all wrong and caused you all that distress. 😞
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Scarlett isn’t saying you’re A Complainer. But you do bring “complaints” to us on this board. Don’t get caught up in the semantics/title of the meme. It’s not saying that someone is a chronic complainer. It’s talking about when someone brings up a valid complaint, but then reacts a certain way to the help that is offered.
I think perhaps the circled bits is what Scarlett was thinking when she shared this.
That list of the trauma you experienced as a child is staggering. It’s no wonder you struggle so hard to speak openly to anyone in real life. But it does isolate you from your husband and that is sad.
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Stay home and read trashy novels and get take out all summer. And watch lots and lots of tv.
If you can find a pool, maybe go swimming once in a while. Sometimes go out to the movies and eat a tub of popcorn.
Your dh is productive all the time, but you don’t seem to necessarily want to be. So don’t.-
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1 hour ago, katilac said:
🏅🏅🏅
You get ALL the shiny medals!
If I were doing all that, I would absolutely be requiring my kid to commit to a training schedule. Multiple hikes might not be possible every week, but multiple walks are. If she's going to tend to a migraine nearly every time, the sooner she knows that, the better.
That’s what I’d want to know—if she’s going to get a migraine whenever she walks, she can’t go.
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18 minutes ago, TexasProud said:
No, I don't know. The main times I have opened up to him are:
In the dark in bed when I do not have to look at him.
He still will mention and ask if we need to have another "defoliating the tree" talk. It was when I was extremely depressed and we were waiting 3 months for a psych. I couldn't look at him but just talked while I looked at the ground and took all the pine needles off the branch of one of our trees.
And it isn't just him. Like literally, I cannot have a hard conversation with anyone. I have had more with my husband than anyone else.
Well, a few months ago, I did go over to my best friend's house and just broke down and she was very, very surprised as she said she thought I was so strong and happy. I just have a really, really hard time letting people in.
I think this is why your counseling sessions go so badly and you get no help from them. I wish you could open up for real to someone who is trained to help you navigate the dark feelings that we have inside without feeling shame for feeling them.
From your posts, I know that you have an overall happy life, but at the same time, you are an island alone. I wish there was someone you could be real and raw and ugly with. Someone that you could trust would still love you (or at least still counsel you for your money) and help you navigate your isolation. Someone to help teach you how to open up to your loved ones, esp your dear husband, so you’re not so lonely.
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Congratulations! We finished 5 years ago and I thought it would feel like a Super Big Change, but I very quickly acclimated to my new normal and now I can barely remember the billions of hours I put into homeschooling.
Life certainly is change!
(And I agree with you—couldn’t have done it without the hive!)
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This book filled with short stories from the 1940s and 1950s that I got at an antique store. They are like little Twilight Zone episodes (at least the first 2 are —the 3rd one was just weird. The first one was a little disturbing and has stuck with me for a bit. )
What’s funny is that the characters aren’t good. They’re not necessarily bad, but they’re not good and it’s making me realize just how much people don’t change. And when people say, “Oh, everyone was so much [insert glowing, positive adjective here] in the past!”, it’s just not true. People see the past with rose colored glasses, but people have had all the same sins in their hearts from the dawn of time.
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Covid finally caught me
in The Chat Board
Posted · Edited by Garga
Sigh of contented jealousy! I’m glad you got to go and now I’m feeling like I need to figure out this international travel thing for myself.
But I’m thinking Scotland for me.