Introvert vs. Extrovert

[Lots of boys]

We just started homeschooling in August so this is all still pretty new to me. I was hoping to hear some of your thoughts on my boys and if I have any reason to be conerned.

 

My ds 7 is an extreme extrovert. He loves being around people and friends and talks constantly all day. We pulled him out of ps after Gr. 1 because he was unhappy (he loved his friends, recess, and lunch but hated everythign else). His teacher complained that he couldn't sit still or pay attention. He is doing well over all this semester at home. He drives me crazy on a daily basis with his constant movement and talking but overall seems to be happy to be home. He goes out everyday after "school" and play with the neighbourhood kids and is also involved in karate, skating, and gymnastics during the week - he thrives on the activities and the business.

 

The contrast is my ds5. He is an introvert in all areas - to the point of having some real anxiety when he has to try something new (even if I know he will like it once there). We have put him in many activities (many sports, clubs etc.) and he always wants to stop going after the first or second week. He did fine in pre-school, had friends and played well. When we took him to his Kindergarten orientation (before we were sure we were going to homeschool) he refused to go in the room with all the new kids and cried frantically until I took him home. I was relieved when we decided to homeschool because I figured trying to get him to go to Kindergarten would be torture. Anyway, he seems happy to be home too but he doesn't do any extra curricular activities and even gets mad at his older brother sometimes when he goes out to play with the kids on our street because he would rather play with his brother just one-on-one. He likes the other kids but seems to want to limit his time playing with them.

 

Should I be worried that my ds5 is sooooo introverted? I am concerned as he has no friends he wants to play with and really resists any new activity. He has never said he is lonely or bored (unlike his older brother who is contantly telling me he is bored - he did this in ps too though - so not a homeschooling thing). I just worry so much that he is going to be isolated and miss out on fun opportunites.

 

Does anyone have a child like this?

[Farrar]

That sounds more like the issues are with anxiety than introversion, though you're probably right that he's an introvert.

 

Some things about introverts to keep in mind:

* shy does not equal introvert - not all introverts are shy

* introverts get zapped in energy much quicker by being around people than the rest of the world

* introverts tend to form close friendships and rely on a few friends, not a big group

* there are a lot more extroverts than introverts in the world (a LOT more!)

* introverts are NORMAL - there's nothing wrong with us, despite what the extroverted world sometimes says

 

As an introvert, I think it's important for introverts to get a little push from their loved ones to do social things sometimes. However, I would pick one thing, pick it with him and encourage him to stick with it. I wouldn't encourage him to do a bunch of different things.

 

The social anxiety is another whole piece though. It may be he needs a longer adjustment time at home? I think other people may have better suggestions than me...

[BrookValley.]

That sounds more like the issues are with anxiety than introversion, though you're probably right that he's an introvert.

 

Some things about introverts to keep in mind:

* shy does not equal introvert - not all introverts are shy

* introverts get zapped in energy much quicker by being around people than the rest of the world

* introverts tend to form close friendships and rely on a few friends, not a big group

* there are a lot more extroverts than introverts in the world (a LOT more!)

* introverts are NORMAL - there's nothing wrong with us, despite what the extroverted world sometimes says

 

As an introvert, I think it's important for introverts to get a little push from their loved ones to do social things sometimes. However, I would pick one thing, pick it with him and encourage him to stick with it. I wouldn't encourage him to do a bunch of different things.

 

The social anxiety is another whole piece though. It may be he needs a longer adjustment time at home? I think other people may have better suggestions than me...

 

:iagree: What she said. :)

 

We are an entire family of introverts here. We like people, we're not shy, but we simply get worn out by too much social interaction. My son, who is 4, refuses to do a lot of stuff. I have had to gently encourage him to participate sometimes, though he genuinely likes playing with other kids and being involved with things once he gets warmed up. Sometimes he likes it (swim lessons), sometimes he doesn't (kindermusik), and I just make sure I don't push him (which usually isn't a problem, 'cause as an introvert myself, I'm not too keen on doing a million social things!).

[meggie]

That sounds more like the issues are with anxiety than introversion, though you're probably right that he's an introvert.

 

Some things about introverts to keep in mind:

* shy does not equal introvert - not all introverts are shy

* introverts get zapped in energy much quicker by being around people than the rest of the world

* introverts tend to form close friendships and rely on a few friends, not a big group

* there are a lot more extroverts than introverts in the world (a LOT more!)

* introverts are NORMAL - there's nothing wrong with us, despite what the extroverted world sometimes says

 

As an introvert, I think it's important for introverts to get a little push from their loved ones to do social things sometimes. However, I would pick one thing, pick it with him and encourage him to stick with it. I wouldn't encourage him to do a bunch of different things.

 

The social anxiety is another whole piece though. It may be he needs a longer adjustment time at home? I think other people may have better suggestions than me...

:iagree:

 

Are you signing him up for these activities or are they things he is saying he wants? If he wants the 1:1 time with his brother, maybe he'd do well 1:1 with a music teacher. Is there an instrument he'd like to learn to play? Or voice lessons?

[Lots of boys]

Yes, I see your point. I think he is an introvert AND has some anxiety issues about new groups/activities.

 

I really appreciated your list - my son is exactly like that. He plays well with other kids but prefers to play with one or two - not a whole room of them. And even when he does play with them he does it for a while but then eventually you will find him off in a corner playing with his Lego or something similar - it is like he just needs some down time faster than my other kiddos.

 

I don't have any concerns with the above. So I guess it isn't his introvert nature that concerns me but rather his anxiety about new places/new activities etc. I am afraid (especially since we are homeschooling now) that he won't ever have any friends and will be sad. I am worried homeschooling has exacerbated his anxiety ???

[Lots of boys]

:iagree:

 

Are you signing him up for these activities or are they things he is saying he wants? If he wants the 1:1 time with his brother, maybe he'd do well 1:1 with a music teacher. Is there an instrument he'd like to learn to play? Or voice lessons?

 

 

Well, he would never ask to sign up for ANY activity. Usually what we do, is at the beginning of every new season (Fall, Summer etc.) we ask the kids what they want to join or continue doing. With my ds5 - I usually ask him if he would like to try x, y, or z and he will often say "well maybe x" but once we get there he cries and doesn't want to do it. I don't ever force him to do any but I do encourage him to try something - of his choice.

[BrookValley.]

Yes, I see your point. I think he is an introvert AND has some anxiety issues about new groups/activities.

 

I really appreciated your list - my son is exactly like that. He plays well with other kids but prefers to play with one or two - not a whole room of them. And even when he does play with them he does it for a while but then eventually you will find him off in a corner playing with his Lego or something similar - it is like he just needs some down time faster than my other kiddos.

 

I don't have any concerns with the above. So I guess it isn't his introvert nature that concerns me but rather his anxiety about new places/new activities etc. I am afraid (especially since we are homeschooling now) that he won't ever have any friends and will be sad. I am worried homeschooling has exacerbated his anxiety ???

 

I can imagine homeschool would exacerbate any anxiety--if anything, it has to help. By homeschooling you can work on it at his pace. I can't imagine that attempting to address it by immersion (school) would help. I can only speak to my experience, which admittedly isn't much (just one 4-year old), but I do know my son wouldn't benefit by being sent to school to work his issues out with 30 kids. Just my $.02. :) And I am glad you started this discussion, because I think your son and my son have some similarities and I am interested in hearing other's thoughts and opinions.

[Lots of boys]

I can imagine homeschool would exacerbate any anxiety--if anything, it has to help. By homeschooling you can work on it at his pace. I can't imagine that attempting to address it by immersion (school) would help. I can only speak to my experience, which admittedly isn't much (just one 4-year old), but I do know my son wouldn't benefit by being sent to school to work his issues out with 30 kids. Just my $.02. :) And I am glad you started this discussion, because I think your son and my son have some similarities and I am interested in hearing other's thoughts and opinions.

 

 

Thanks for your note - it is nice to know I'm not alone. Just for the record - I'm not considering having him go to ps at all. I love being home with them and I think they are doing really well academically and generally enjoying the "new" lifestyle.

 

I guess what I meant by exacerbating his anxiety was just that if someone hates being around new groups or trying new things and now they don't ever have to do that because they are home - will it make it harder on him in the future to get out there any try somthing new?? It reminds me of my mother-in -law who at a very young age decided she was a little nervous driving in a new city that she had just moved to so she did it less and less and now she is terrified of driving herself anywhere - which has led to her being very dependant on others.

[Farrar]

I wouldn't worry so much about homeschooling being the cause. It might be in that it's a change, but he would have changed to a kindergarten class and then to a first grade and so on and so forth. There's a lot more change in school than in homeschool. I have a slightly anxious ds (though not so anxious about social stuff, thus my lack of great advice). One thing we found helpful was the book What to Do When You Worry Too Much, which is a sort of workbook and book you do along with your child. He might be a bit young for it, but we found a lot of the suggestions in there useful. I think anxious kids need a safe haven and I know introverts need a safe haven. Maybe literally make him a place that's totally in his control - a corner or a special spot, that he can always go if he needs to escape and relax. But then the tradeoff is that he'll trust you if you say he needs to stick something out or try it.

 

And, of course, he may just transition and grow out of it. Don't you hate that about kids? It's either a potentially serious issue you have to be on top of and really read up about... OR... it's just a phase. :D

[ChandlerMom]

I highly recommend you read the book, "Gifts Differing" by Isabel Briggs Meyers:

http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Differing-Understanding-Personality-Type/dp/089106074X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1321478350&sr=8-1

 

She and her mom developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator which is still used by psychologists today (good chance you or someone you know have taken the MBTI sometime; employers use it for team building, etc).

 

If you are an extrovert and have an introverted child, I consider it a must read. Otherwise you may miss out on all the amazingness that is your son, because it won't be on display.

 

Farrar pointed out a lot of things, including there's nothing wrong with being an introvert and the difference between social and extrovert. You also can't make an introvert into an extrovert, their priorities are building their own internal world of self and values, not so much the external social one. It can be really harmful to try to force them to be more outgoing or social if that isn't their nature. Less is more, and odds are if he does some stuff with his brother and the neighbor kids sometimes, that's probably plenty for him. It is better to find something that interests him and hook him up with 1 or 2 other kids that share that interest than try to force him into large group situations.

 

Introverts often go thru life wondering why people don't understand them, and the reason is because all the good stuff is on the inside where few will see. As he grows older he'll be better at projecting out into the world what he wants, but don't miss out on knowing who your ds really is or be fooled into thinking what he displays to the outside world is the real him. ANd don't make him think you believe there is something wrong with how he is.

 

The good news is when they grow up, your introvert is most likely going to have a solid foundation of who he is with rock solid values. He's not the kid who will be swayed into doing something he knows is wrong. If he does something, he'll likely know WHY. It's your older son who's more likely to go along with the group and say, "I dunno" when you ask why. LOL

 

DH and I are introverts. DH has great "social radar" and reads people like street signs. He was quiet and used his people reading skills to be a chameleon. I was a super-chatty, smiling, social kid, friends with everyone -- never phased me to run up to play with a group of kids I hadn't met, because honestly, it don't occur to me to CARE what they thought of me. LOL I had a tough time around middle school when my total LACK of ability to read social cues bit me in the rear, but by 16 I was in college and had no lack of great friends of depth once I got there.

 

Of our kids, the first is observant like dh and socially clueless like me, the second has great social radar like dh, perennially happy like I was, and super social; our third is a quick to smile clown. I'm happy to say all are introverts, but each in their own way. Introverted children need parents who can understand them and they can feel know them for who they really are. They can take more work to find their currency and to keep tuned to them. But in my undoubtably biased opinion, the payoff can be huge. I know all 3 of my kids will be strong-willed, deep-thinking, confident adults. They won't live their lives like flotsam on the surface of the world, and sometimes that can make life hard, but we're determined to give them the tools to make the most of their personalities and smooth the rough edges that might trip them up. But you can't polish the stone until it has been shaped.

 

Good luck! Enjoy both sons and their different gifts. :)

 

ETA: I suspect introverts most benefit from homeschooling. School isn't a safe place if you are an introvert, and introverts need to feel safe while they are building their internal self. The "socialization thru socializing" is a mantra written by extroverts. Introverts will socialize only when and if they want to. School can be a horrible place for the introvert who is also not social.

Edited November 16, 2011 by ChandlerMom

[Lots of boys]

Chandlermom - thanks so much for your post. your thoughts are so helpful and have inspired me to do some reading :)

[threeturn]

You've gotten some fantastic advice here. I always throw this article out there when people ask about introverts. It may not all apply to your young child, but this guy gets it right.

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

[MyLittleBears]

You've gotten some fantastic advice here. I always throw this article out there when people ask about introverts. It may not all apply to your young child, but this guy gets it right.

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

 

I love this article. It was a real eye opening moment for me. I read it a few months back when it was posted. I was public schooled, not shy, but a total introvert. I like people and conversation, but alone time afterword was as real a need as air.