I am WORN OUT. (sorry - LONG)

[Denisemomof4]

I can't speak to the RAD except to say that it makes me want to cry. I wish there was some help for your family.

 

Does it make you feel better to know that your other kids seem about regular to me? LOL My 21 yr old is very responsible, has a job, is 'doing well' in college etc., but wow, the whole merit financial aid package thing...could he cut signing those papers *any* closer? I mean...really? Get that in the mail...the first year we found it all completed and in an unsealed envelope. Dh picked it up, and nearly had a heart attack. DS had done the whole package but forgot to mail it "I thought I mailed it!" said he. Thankfully the deadline had not quite passed and we over-nighted it. That was when he was 19. He still gives us some concern at times, planning-wise, but so far, he gets it done, even if he cuts it close. Dh and I are thinking he's way too old for us to worry about nothing...but it's hard to get out of the habit. we have to let go and trust. Mostly nothing bad is going to happen. He thinks he want to go to grad school or law school, but isn't sure. It's fine for him to take time to figure it out, just as it's OK for your 18 yr old to not know exactly what he wants to do right now. I understand we worry for their future, but there are many ways to live a good and fulfilling life. We don't have to decide it all or figure it all out at 18. Or 21, even. DS still has one more year of undergrad school, but I do trust he knows what he needs. We will help as we are able to.

 

Here 's an example where I had no business worrying. He waited until the night before he was to leave to pack for an entire summer for his job. He managed to pack in a couple of hours...and forgot nothing. He asked us to mail him nothing, and when we brought his sister to camp and asked him if he needed anything the answer was no. It made me crazy, but I guess he knew what he was doing. Procrastinate much? But so what? he knew what he needed to do and did it,maybe not in the way i would. *But that doesn't matter*. Letting go, trusting can be challenging for some us. ;) I only speak for myself here. lol

 

The 16, 17 and 11 yr olds still need certain reminders, but so do I at times. ;) Family Life is a team effort, right? lol If they don't drink enough water, they are going to get headaches. If any of my children complain of headaches, I ask 'When was the last time you had water?" They get that light bulb look and go get a drink. Sometimes I forget to drink water as well.

 

I try to triage my worry. Take care of what truly needs my efforts, and put on the back burner (or ignore) those that do not.

 

This is VERY good! Speaks directly to my heart! If you look up the definition of PROCRASTINATE in the dictionary, you will find a picture of ds. Nothing else, just his picture. ;) Ds decided to submit his applications to colleges THE DAY THEY WERE DUE. So dh and he were up until 3:00 a.m. doing this. We asked several times, "When are applications due?" When he would even HINT at attitude towards dh, who normally goes to bed at 10:00 and NEEDS HIS SLEEP, dh calmly, quietly, and STERNLY put him in his place.

 

Ds knows what he wants to do, but he's got to do things he DOESN'T want to do first. He's got this weakness, a character flaw, of just not doing what he doesn't want to do. Like schoolwork. His teachers were SO irritated with him. One even called me to tell me he's the smartest in the class, an AP class, and yet he doesn't apply himself, or he doesn't do an assignment if he doesn't like it. And yet he's the "model worker" in the nursing home where he works. He's definitely a hard worker, but he's got this other side to him that drives me insane. And this is why he will NOT be getting financial assistance from us until he proves himself. And even then, he has to keep his grades up or our assistance will be cut off.

 

Even enrolling in the local college. If I hadn't called and found out the final date to enroll, he wouldn't even be going there. He just sits on things. And I try SO HARD not to get worked up because of it. Like studying for finals! I finally had to remove myself from the house. Dh kept saying, "Denise, don't say anything. He's got to live with his consequences." The final time I checked in on him (walking by the office to go to the bathroom) and saw him on facebook STILL, I was done. I left. To save my sanity, what little is left.

 

I experienced a powerful epiphany today. The reason this is so hard on me right now is that I'm finally coming back to the old me. I'm finally 100% available to my family. When my mother was living here, I was simply too BURNT OUT to deal with the issues of the family. And my family went through some very, very tough times. Dh told me I'm the glue that holds our family together and I can see that now. I saw behaviors and attitudes and things that shouldn't have been done, but I was so burnt out caring for my mother that I let it all go. Dh did what he could but honestly, he's gone all day. I didn't have the energy to address things. Well, if that goes on indefinitely, things get worse. So I'm tightening the reigns and training the kids, again, to do as they were raised to do, to behave as they were raised to behave, etc. I took time off due to burnout, distraction and grief, and now I'm taking back the reigns. It's HARD, but it's absolutely necessary.