DC and Making Friends

[briansmama]

I'd love to hear your experiences with your dc and making friends. Ds is almost 6, and is on a football team with kids who go to ps, private school, and we homeschool. He loves going to practices and games, but afterwards, he tries really hard to play with his teamates and they seem to ignore him. They don't include him in their play at all. The season just started a few weeks ago and it's the first time he's met these kids, but it breaks my heart to see him trying so hard to be included while the other kids brush him off.

 

We're part of a group of 10 or so other hs families, and he takes a class with a bunch of them 1 long day per week and loves it. But he hasn't really connected with the other kids. Not in a close way. He plays with them, but really enjoys the instructor and the assistant, not so much the other kids.

 

When he was really young, I read a lot about hsing and really believe in it. I read that the socialization problem is a myth and truly expected it to not even be an issue...yet, lately, I've been hearing from other hs parents with older kids that their dc lack close friendships, best friends, and others to relate to (besides adults). I know that part of it is because a lot of kids who are not in school genuinely enjoy adults and relate well with them, but part of me is experiencing this huge feeling of doubt and wondering if I'm setting my highly social little boy up for a childhood of loneliness?

 

He really wants to connect with other kids, and is great at keeping up conversations, showing compassion and empathy- he's a great kid!

 

Anyone have experience with this? Did it get better? My dh used to worry about socialization issues and I talked him down years ago. Now, I'm the one worrying and my dh says that he's concerned again now that I'm doubting...

[briansmama]

Thanks for responding, Wendy. Yes, most of the kids on ds team played together last year, and a few know each other from school as well.

 

He's my oldest, so I appreciate the insight regarding children this young and their ability to form close friendships. I hope that I'm just worrying over nothing here :)

 

It's not so much that ds doesn't ask to see other kids regularly (he does, all the time), it's more that he tries with the other kids but they aren't as interested. He plays a lot with the nieghborhood kids, so he does have "friends", but again, when it comes to interests, he seems to have a more difficult time relating to the kids his age (or around his age).

 

Thanks again for the response- it helps a lot. I'm sure that if I just let it all play out it'll turn out fine. Can't help worrying though!

[Colleen in NS]

I'd love to hear your experiences with your dc and making friends.

 

Is he an only child? I'm wondering if that's part of your worry.

 

I used to worry somewhat the way you are right now. I gave in to pressure for things like sending my kids to the church nursery, having other-kids birthday parties for my kids, going to homeschool group events *just* to be around other kids; even though for some of these things I didn't feel right about inside. Turns out my instincts have been correct several times.

 

I have also found over the years that so-n-so may be dc's friend this month, but next month or six months down the road that changes. Kids change so fast in so many ways during their growing up years, that it makes sense to me now that it's improbable that a "friend" now will be a friend in 5 or 10 years. I'm guessing that by the time my kids get to their late teens/early 20s, they will start forming solid friendships, based on common, more mature interests. I don't worry anymore about lack of "close" friendships with other kids, because I just don't think it's realistic most of the time.

 

Meanwhile, they do play with other kids as we come across them at church, family get-togethers, playgrounds, etc., but I think the "socialization skills" part comes when we teach them how to behave with others in general. "You bumped into that child by accident at the playground? Go say you're sorry." "See that little boy following you around? He might be hoping you will play a game with him." "The girl is not responding when you say hi to her? Maybe she's having a hard day. Let's find something else to do here and leave her alone."

 

I think what you are seeing in the team aspect is pretty common, no matter if it's public schoolers or homeschoolers. Homeschooled kids are not immune to forming cliques, applying peer pressure, excluding kids "just because," etc.. I think how you deal with that will determine how your ds views it. If you communicate to him that it's heartbreaking to you, he will be heartbroken when other kids don't include him in the after-practice play. If you communicate that practice is done, time to go home now (or time to go get groceries - want to help me pick out some pears? or time to stop at the playground - want to see how many times you can swing across the monkey bars?), he will grow up with *that* being the norm - meaning that it's normal and acceptable to be relating to family members, and finding his acceptance within his family. There is plenty of time later in life to form other lasting friendships. I just think that within a family is the perfect place in which to learn how to do this.

 

I think the idea that kids *must* relate to other kids on a regular basis is a cultural thing - it's not right or wrong, but we have to examine the reason for it - why do I want him to play with others after football practice - is it going to give him delight and joy, or is it going to confuse him?

 

There is nothing wrong with kids enjoying talking with adults who care about them. I think a child can learn a lot more decent socialization skills by relating to well-seasoned adults, than by relating to a bunch of fickle, still-rapidly-developing kids most of the time. :D I'm not against kids running around and playing with each other - it's great fun to burn off energy with others - but when it turns fickle, it's time to change focus. And that's OK! Chin up - don't let him think you are heartbroken and worried - just try to change how you view it all.

 

BTW, way to go on raising a son who relates well to people, that he tries to keep up conversations with other kids - he sounds great! Keep encouraging those skills, whether with kids or adults. They'll become natural to him later on.

 

One more thing - my kids have become closer to each other over the last couple of years, too - oh, they fight plenty of times and get on each other's nerves, but they actually do play together and have a good time. They dress up, play games with each other, play "let's pretend" with each other, laugh with each other, tell each other stories and jokes, wrestle with each other - it's really precious to watch. Today my son actually said, on his own accord, that he loves playing with his little sister!!!!!!!!! I've told them before that even if "friends" come and go while they are kids, the relationships they are building with each other and with their parents (us) while they are growing up, are the most important and will last forever - we will all be good friends when they grow up. I've said this several times (esp. when helping them make up after a fight, ha ha), and I am starting to see glimpses of real appreciation and love for each other. It's so nice to see.

Edited September 27, 2009 by Colleen in NS

[Guest RebeccaLManthei]

I really like what you wrote. A great reminder. We live out in the country and the churches we have attended are usually 20-40 minutes away so we haven't become real close, as in the children having close friends. When my husband died a couple of years ago, a couple of my kids (I have 8), started attending the Christian school our church supports and that is where my kids started having friends, but for my kids at home, they are very lonely. So, I am trying to decide whether or not to send my 12 year old dd to the Christian school for this very reason.

 

I am really struggling as to what to do. The tuition will be paid for the Christian school, but the real reason I would send her is for the social and not for the academics. This year, she was in the 7th grade and she did 7th grade A beka World History and 8th US History A beka video, English 7 and English 8th grade A beka, 8th grade A beka Bible, Teaching Textbooks 7 and has excelled in all of these subjects.

 

I thought about doing Sonlight, but I never have done one on one, b/c I have always done the A beka video. Years ago, when all 8 of the kids were home they just played together, so the social aspect wasn't a huge issue, but this coming fall I will have three in college, (19dd, 17ds, 16dd, and 14ds will attend community college with 16dd), 10ds is at the Christian school and the only children I will have at home all day will be my 12dd, 7dd, and 4ds. My 4ds is so ACTIVE and takes almost ALL of my time, so 12dd gets very little of my time. Can you give me some advice?

[cougarmom4]

I have found sports team experiences difficult for my kids to form lasting friendships...I don't think just being on a team is going to form the friendship. It takes a little extra effort--perhaps you could choose one or two of the kids that you think might be more likely to be a good friend to your ds; get to know the parents; and invite them over (one at a time). Or make plans with one family to walk over to the park and have treats together afterwards. Or find another Mom to carpool with to practices and then invite her son over afterwards.

 

Our sports team experiences have been better when my kids have a friend they already know on the team with them...the initial foundation for a friendship has already started and then the team experience is something fun to do together. I used to always be signing my kids up for things thinking that they will make a new friend and that friendship will continue after the sport/class...but it has rarely happened that way!

 

I really think one-on-one playdates is a good way to get the ball rolling.