TerriM
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Posts posted by TerriM
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You have valid concerns, Donna. I think it's ok to want to be there to keep an eye out. I think it's just figuring out how to keep the balance so that it's not hovering, but just a watchful eye. I think you can do it. If a stranger doesn't know that you're the mom, but you're still close enough to keep that eye out, I think you've got the balance you're looking for. Hopefully she understands that you're just there to make sure nothing goes wrong, but you want to support her in being able to relax and enjoy that social time.
Frankly, this would be a great policy for sorority sisters too--one person can relax and enjoy the party, the other stays sober and keeps an eye out for the first. A lot of really nasty crap would be prevented that way. You don't just need a designated driver nowadays, but a designated watchful eye for the whole party.....
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PS: Don't be put off by the SSS numbers. SSS doesn't account for our area's standard of living. The SSS numbers for us say that we should be able to afford 100% of our tuition. The schools here know that it isn't the case with the cost of living here.
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I think that the school that might suit DS12 (7th grade) would only care that we can afford the tuition which is higher than my mortgage payments. He made the cutoff but I don't know yet where or when the AIME would be held.
"Grades 6-8 $42,237
Grades 9-12 $45,877"
I hear you...... I recommend applying for FinAid if you would send your son there if the price was right. The worst they can do is say "no."
There is an issue with 12B which was what my boys also took. So I am glad my boys are happy with their 10A results since we don't know what is going to happen for 12B.
https://artofproblemsolving.com/community/c5h1384525_amc_1012b_update
WOAH! Crap. That's not cool.
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I also had a horrifically bad relationship (abusive in many ways) at 18 with a 24 yr old-and a big part was that I was more attracted to older, more mature seeming men in many ways than to teens. All that led to making some poor choices when I passed that magical "legal" line.
:( I'm sorry..... I agree it's a minefield. I dated a 23 year old when I was 17 (a senior in high school doing DE). He was respectful and very careful, so things turned out ok, but it didn't have to. I also had a 35 year old who had been married and divorced 4 times and had a daughter one year younger than me seriously trying to date me. He'd talked about the fact that we could go to Las Vegas and get married when I turned 16. (I was at a university, not a CC, so average age might be higher than at a CC--I first met him taking summer classes at the university when I was 14 or 15.) As a parent, I'm really shocked, that my mom wasn't totally freaking out when I finally got around to discussing it with her. I do remember her saying "What's wrong with him that he's been married and divorced four times?" Good question. And that he had a daughter almost my age and wanted to date..... Nice guy--respectfully took no as a no--but horrible judgement. I did have a not-so-healthy relationship with a 21 year old at the end of my senior year (when I was 18).
I think maintaining a good parent-child relationship is essential in these situations. My mom was very authoritarian, so I was not very open with her about what went on because I didn't want her to tell me I couldn't hang out with these people. I think, though, that some of it was that i didn't find my own home to be a comfortable place to be and hanging out with these older people was enjoyable. "Looking for love in all the wrong places...." is about right, but there could've been a better balance if I had a better relationship with my parents. It's my hope to build that relationship with my own kids so that the lines of communication and trust are always open. I know at some point, you have to trust them to make good choices, but I'd rather that they asked for advice on those choices than quietly navigated them on their own :(
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No point other than it makes my DS11 happy.
"Certificate of achievement for students in grades 8 and below who scored above 90 on the AMC 10A, and students in grades 10 and below who scored above 90 on the AMC 12A."
If you're applying to a private high school, I imagine that this achievement could be important for getting in.
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As to the second...aaaah! I hadn't even considered the dating aspect, yet! Don't think I am ready to go there. She definitely has had her first "crush" and he is quite a bit older than her... I think she is more "in love" with his musical abilities than the rest of him...but dating...ugh!! Give me a few more years, please!!
Sorry.... Just speaking from experience..... :)
Perhaps this answers part of your question, though--should you be an active presence? I think yes. Because the more you know the guys she might be interested in dating, the more you can help her make good choices. I think having crushes on older people is not unusual (I had a crush on a teacher once. I'm sure it happens a lot....), but in reality, when she's ready to date, there will be some guys who are older, available, and interested, and you will need to help her really think through the differences in ages and life-experiences and what that means for a relationship. It'll be easier for you all around, if you know her tribe well rather than if you stay back and are just an observer. How to balance that may be tricky, but yeah, I think you should try.....
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Dd doesn't seem to feel a need for a tribe her own age and maybe that is where I worry...maybe she doesn't know what she is missing? When they find their "tribe" does it matter who that tribe is as long as your teen is happy?
Hmmm. I'm going to think out loud here:
* She's happy, so don't worry.
* Not knowing what she's missing doesn't mean she's missing something.
* Her tribe is *hers*. Yours is *yours*. As long as she's got one that's hers without her being there by virtue of you being there, she can be happy. I hope that makes sense--my son likes hanging out with adults, but his adult friends are his parents and their friends. So he can't go hang out or play games with these adults without us being there. So he's was capable of being social with us, but it wasn't *his* tribe. Now that he's at a nerdy board gamer school, he's found a nerdy board gaming tribe of his own. So that's great. And your daughter has found a tribe of her own (you're there because she's there, not the other way around). So it's great for her.
So I wouldn't worry about the tribe thing........I'd worry about the dating thing..... Because if this is her tribe, when it comes time to date, she may end up dating a guy who is significantly older than her...... And if she's not 18 yet (or even if she is), that will probably give you pause....or maybe a heart attack :)
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That's a concern at the herp conferences, too. DD went to the socials for the first time this last conference, and they basically are a roomful of grad students and professionals drinking and talking about herpetology, ecology, and (this year) politics. She enjoyed it-and at 12, looks young enough that no one offered her a beer, but I can see a future where it won't be so obvious that she's young-and at least at this one, no one was carding anyone.
When I was doing DE as a kid, my friends were in the 21-25 range. I never went to bars with them, but I did go to a number of parties where everyone was drinking. I was happy to be the "designated driver", and my friends were happy not to have me drink--I don't think anyone wanted to get in trouble for that especially as I lived across town and had to drive home. It was a good balance for me. It was actually easier for me at that age and with that crowd than it was later as a college student where people found it awkward that I didn't drink, and I'd get questioned about it.
I guess the question is whether your daughter even wants to drink a beer. If she doesn't, I doubt anyone will mind.
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I was wondering how others navigate this "tricky" age with a mature, accelerated teen who prefers the company of adults...but isn't yet an adult?
DS#1 has always interacted very well with adults and is also very mature. I think it has made our mother-son relationship a peaceful, enjoyable, and hopefully, healthy one. He doesn't feel the need to prove himself, to escape the "parents", or to fight the authority. He's easy and enjoyable to bring places as he's comfortably conversational with our adult friends. I think it's wonderful. Now that he's also found his own tribe of kids his age, his life is a happy one.
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Sounds like a great opportunity. I might ask if she could have the option of going for 5 years instead of just 4 so as to undo the year skip. (Get it in writing so you have it 4 years later, of course.) If they really want her, they'll probably agree to it.
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Actually, this is a generally compliant child...not strong-willed. I had one of those (first-born.) I think you're under the impression that the relationship is worse than it really is. And...we are taking steps to give her more control and do a lot of what you suggest. I'm not as harsh as you seem to be under the impression I am. We had a structured school day, with consequences if work wasn't completed (such as no electronics.) Yes, I prefer more structure, but I bend a lot too, as I am now. I bend when I feel its best for the child, and in this case bending seems the best thing to do. She selected all her extra-curriculars. She has had total control there. And I think we are on the same team...moreso than I have been with any of my other children!! We don't fight (or at least not verbally.) She's a very sweet girl. The suggestions up thread have helped considerably, and I'm actually quite content with these changes!! She seems happier, too.
I'm glad to hear it's not as bad as it sounds! As I said, parenting is hard, and I didn't want it to come across the wrong way. We're all doing our best.
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I don't at all want this post to come across badly as I know parenting is really really tough, and parenting a gifted strong-willed child is REALLY tough but..... a lot of what you've said seems to me like you guys are having a major power struggle and huge disagreements that could be creating, and certainly contributing to, her anxiety, and I have to wonder if medication is really necessary. Is she anxious or are you guys simply having very stressful disagreements about her schooling and life in general that are stressing her (and you!) out to the max? She wants to be put ahead a grade, you want her at grade level. She wants to read books, you want her to do something else. She wants to go back to school to be with her friends, you want her home. You want her to work, she hates it when you are hover over her. You want her to study history, she sees no point to it. Teachers are boring and disrespectful to her, yet she wants to go back. You're stressed that missing a day of math is going to be bad, she's not worried about it. She doesn't sound anxious, she sounds trapped!!!! Trapped by rules and regulations and people telling her what to do. I'm feeling the stress just over the web. :(
I suspect what would be best is for her to be in a B&M school with other gifted kids. Yet, the nearest city is 45 minutes away. I think the first thing would be to explore those options--what exactly are they? Exactly how far away are they? Exactly how gifted is she? If they're expensive, apply for Fin-aid. Don't give up until you know it's really not possible.
But if your only option really is to homeschool, could you sit down with her and no matter how young she is, treat her like an adult, and help her to understand the laws she (and you) are under homeschooling, and allow her to propose a plan that satisfies the state and makes her happy even if it makes *you* anxious for her future? Can you let go and let her make these decisions for herself and give her the freedom she craves within the minimum necessary boundaries? Can you figure out what minimum test standards she needs to satisfy to stay under the radar and to learn how she wants? Can you let go of your worries and stress, and let her take control. And no judging--it's ok for her to make mistakes. If she's gifted, she'll recover from them very easily, but let her figure things out and make decisions and see how things turn out. That's how we learn. It sounds a lot to me like she thinks she knows best, and you think you know best, and even though somewhere in the middle is the truth, the biggest problem is that you guys aren't on the same team.....At all. :( And you won't be until she feels that she can trust you to be a teammate rather than a referee. And at this point, that's going to take a lot of time. But the more you fight her, the more she's going to dig in and the longer it will take.
I let my oldest make decisions himself--where to go to school, whether to homeschool, what classes to take, what extracurriculars to do. Within the context of what is manageable to me as the adult who has to pay and drive him, of course. I have since he was 4 or 5... because he listens to people and he's very self-aware, so I advise him on his choices and their consequences, and he makes those choices, and they're always good ones. But it drives my mom NUTS. My mom.....She just doesn't understand. "Why don't you just tell him what to do?!!!!! Why do you ask him what HE wants? Why don't you just make him do it? Children should be seen but not heard" Because that was her way of parenting--order us around and spank when we don't do exactly what she wants. I'm not saying this is you, but if you feel like it's your job to order your daughter to do things, then this is why you're having fights. Because DD wants you to treat her like a mature adult. Even if she is a kid, let her rise to the occasion of being a mature adult. Don't make her prove to you anything, let her make mistakes without blame. No "I told you so"s. Help her to understand the pros and cons of everything, and let her choose. And try not to stress about any of it. The stress is worse than no math, no history, no whatever it is. You guys need no-fights, no nail biting, no nervousness, no hovering, just hugs and happiness. And i wonder if she could be less anxious if you guys were at peace with each other.
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I tend to do minimal or no prep for talent search type testing, mostly because I don't want DD to put too much pressure on herself over it. Having said that, she had a gridding error on the SAT last fall, and it dramatically decreased her math score.
Interesting..... But you have her take the SAT anyways right? I thought you posted somewhere saying that was your end-of-year standardized testing.
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B round is today. Good luck to your son.
Thanks!!! He is thankfully not sick today.
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Do it! My 6yo can do the non-duplo LEGO sets, although it's hard to say how much she does, and how much one of her brothers does for her. Not her fault, he just steps in there to "help." I don't think size is necessarily an issue as much as attention span, but you can do it in spurts.
Also, I've been warned that the Friends LEGOs have painted on clothes that wear off after a while, leaving the girls.... topless....... So be pleased she's into the Star Wars LEGOs :)
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There are some kids that will forge their own path no matter what you try to do. I think that the most important thing with these kids is to gain their respect so that they see you as a trusted advisor, not an ignorant adult. I've got one of these and my goal right now is to try to build a relationship so that when he gets to the teenage years he'll simply talk to me about what is going on. He's got some really interesting philosophical theories that he only talks about when it's time for bed (augh!), but I really want him to learn to talk about these so that we can make sure he's on a healthy path in life. I was a lot like him--I didn't trust my mother, thought she was wrong about a lot of things (still do, but now I know how to discuss it with her), but I wasn't quite obstinent enough to be a lot of trouble.
This isn't the first suggestion I've seen for focus on relationship. I think its good advice. Now is a very good time for me to focus on this, and getting to know her better may help me make better decisions for her education. She's not easy to get to know (much like myself)...my mom has always been my very best friend, and I want the same for her.
One of the reasons I chose to focus on my relationship with DS2 is that I saw in him a lot of the same personality as my brother. A lot of things went wrong for my brother--and sadly still are--because of personality clashes with my mom, and so my sole goal was to head things in a different direction as soon as possible. My mother was a strong-willed parent and both of us were strong-willed kids. It's not a good match, honestly.
Since my son believed that he was in charge of his life and wanted me to stop telling him what to do (ie, homework, piano lessons, etc.), I let it all go. My only rule was that he had to go to school, and he had to be in bed at a certain time. If he didn't want to do homework, fine. If he wanted to watch TV all day after school and through the summer (which he did!), fine. My general goal is to make sure that he's gainfully employed after he's 18 and can live on his own, and that we have a peaceful relationship even if it means he doesn't live up to his potential.
Overall, I'd say it worked to an extent. Our disagreements are much more manageable and generally restricted to how he talks (or talks back to) people and how he treats his siblings. He's taken ownership of his homework which is all I can hope for. He may have even taken ownership of cleaning and organizing his stuff, which would be fantastic. I think he's finally gotten the "I'm not your maid" idea, so at least he doesn't talk back to me when I ask him to clean up his dishes/socks/shoes etc.. I think we're still a bit far off from knowing that he will be comfortable confiding in me when he has one of those life problems you're afraid to talk to your parents about. We'll see if we get there before he gets there. But if he's not thinking of running away, I feel like we're doing well. Low bar, but both my brother and I really wanted to get out of the house before we were 10..... I waited until it was time to leave for college. He didn't.
Low bar, but..... You start where you can.
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dd currently wants to be a naturopath/herbalist
I'd take it and run with it for a while--ask her to give any of these ideas at least a month or two. If this helps her engage in learning--great! Hands on for that would be researching what the herbs do (english/science) and growing a garden (science), have her find out what tribes used what herbs for treating what ailments (history). Do we still believe that those herbs do what the tribes say they did? Personally this part of history, i now find FASCINATING!!!!! I used to think that we are so enlightened and now have modern medicine and people in the past were backwards, etc. But now I think it's really cool that people used the herbs for real purposes that we can also use them for now. Did the tribes get it right? Does bay leaf really clear out your sinuses? Does garlic really have antibacterial properties (can she design an experiment to figure it out?). How do you make essential oils out of stuff from your garden?
Ask her to think through making this an educational plan for something like two months. Ask her to propose things she can do, then your job is just encouraging her to see it through that two months. But I'd recommend engaging her as much as possible in making the decisions. She doesn't *have* to make this a long term career, but it'd be great if she got to the point of understanding what it would mean for her as a career.
You can throw in natural soap making, candle making, and a bunch of other fun stuff.
And she can sell the soap on Etsy :)
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And then we started looking at flights. Apparently, one of the common airports to transfer at is LAX, which had DD excited, and me less so. I pointed out that she wouldn't have any time to actually see LA-and she explained that LA is supposed to have a TON of rare Pokémon, and given the amount of cell usage in the airport, she should be able to trip over them!
Uhmmmmmm....... Ok :)
I guess you better give yourself an extra hour or two layover......
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Can you move closer to the city? You said you're 45 minutes away--would all these resources that are not close to you be available in that city?
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The teacher didn't like her answering every question, so dd overreacted and disengaged entirely.
Yeah. It's pretty frustrating to have to sit through stuff you know and then be treated by a teacher as a second class citizen for knowing it all. :(
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She complains she doesn't see the point in any of it! She doesn't see the value in learning history. She likes science, but doesn't feel the curriculum will have any lasting impact. She thinks she knows enough to be a perfectly acceptable adult.
Here's the problem: A perfectly acceptable adult is employable. She may very well know more than the average waitress or gas station attendant. She might know more than many teachers. Maybe she knows more than a lot of people. But can she get a job doing something she wants to do--whatever it is that she wants to do? If not, then it's not perfectly acceptable. If so, then go get a job.
Now, I wouldn't normally toss "What do you want to do with your life?" onto an 11 year old, but the ultimate goal of an education is to get a job to put food on the table, buy clothes, pay the rent or buy a house. She needs to understand that--not in a demeaning "you have no idea what life is about kind of way" because she thinks she knows more than you do, but in a "ok, you know what you need to know, so let's be done with all but the minimum state requirements for school and do what we do with an education--get a job." So what does she want to do? If she wants to "teach", can she volunteer at a school tutoring? If she wants to program, can she take on jobs designing web pages? If she wants to do art, can she sell it on etsy, at art fairs, or farmer's markets? I would--very tactfully and not in a "you have no clue" kind of way--urge her to put her belief to the test. Treat her like an adult. Help her to start a business.
Also, frankly, I didn't see any value at all in studying history either. It was freaking boring except for one book, one teacher. My interest in history came about later when I started having a scientific interest about archeology and how we "know" things about the past, and also in conjunction with religion. So, yeah. It has no meaning or purpose to her right now. But when it does, she'll get into it. That's just the way things are :(
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There are some kids that will forge their own path no matter what you try to do. I think that the most important thing with these kids is to gain their respect so that they see you as a trusted advisor, not an ignorant adult. I've got one of these and my goal right now is to try to build a relationship so that when he gets to the teenage years he'll simply talk to me about what is going on. He's got some really interesting philosophical theories that he only talks about when it's time for bed (augh!), but I really want him to learn to talk about these so that we can make sure he's on a healthy path in life. I was a lot like him--I didn't trust my mother, thought she was wrong about a lot of things (still do, but now I know how to discuss it with her), but I wasn't quite obstinent enough to be a lot of trouble.
My son acts out when he doesn't want to do things--like after school sports--becoming disruptive to others. He has a natural talent on the piano, but refuses to take lessons and do the homework because it's boring. He picks up pieces by ear, but his fingering is probably crap because he doesn't want to be told what to do. I take a lot of flack for not forcing lessons on him, but my goal right now is to gain his respect, not be his task master, and a lot of people don't understand that because they've never had a kid like him.
At this point, I know that another kid who is "teachable" with his talents would go very very far. But right now, I have to teach him that having teachers is worthwhile. He might be 18 or 25 or 30 when he finally wakes up and realizes the value of a mentor and realizes that his attitude has kept him from being the best.
I try to work with what he wants to do rather than what I want him to do--with the exception that he has to go to school even though it's boring. I think he would be unmanageable homeschooling. So if he wants to learn to cook, great--I try to open up ways that this could be a job--cooking pies for a farmer's market or becoming a chef. If he wants to write stories, I try to encourage it even though I know that he'd go farther if someone would help him edit. He's really good at drawing, so I tell him he could become a cartoonist. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that he'll be employed when he grows up :)
One thing he is not, is a perfectionist. I do understand personally the feeling of not wanting the compliments and being a perfectionist. I can't explain what it is and why it happens, but part of it is probably that she's decided not to trust your advice.... Maybe you should ask her what she thinks of her work, rather than telling her what you think if she's just going to ignore your praise. Maybe she'll critique it anyways, but then you don't feel like she's being contrary because she's not contradicting your opinion. Ask her what she thinks she will do differently next time if she doesn't like something. Ask her if there are resources she could use that would help her. With this kind of kid, you need them to decide what they want, because you telling them what they need gets shot down automatically.
In your situation, if it's the same kind of kid as mine, I'd send them to school again unless I thought that there would be some very dangerous pitfalls like getting into drugs. If she doesn't want to learn, then she doesn't want to learn. I know it sucks to watch a kid waste their childhood like that, but the first problem is growing your relationship with her.
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I have a hard time with the idea of buying the practice books..... I hate the commercialization of these tests and how much people are encouraged to spend to prepare for them. The fact that there is a whole industry around this feels wrong.
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We're doing practice tests and maybe Khan academy. We'll see how the latter goes.
I think the big thing is knowing what to expect. Knowing how fast the problems should go--when to skip if you're running into an issue. DS#1 took the practice and spent 5 minutes on an easy math problem that he didn't immediately get the trick to. That was another 5 problems he didn't get to but he got right when I told him to do them after. Now he knows to skip and come back.
s/o Early college...social fit
in Accelerated Learner Board
Posted · Edited by tiuzzol2
BTW: I think one thing that my mom did that was not helpful was her negativity about men. The "men just want sex" thing really rubbed me the wrong way. Clearly many of my friends were not that way, so I overall dismissed a lot of her concerns. It took that 23 year old I was dating to take it a little more seriously when he said to me "Don't ever date my best friend ____--he's only out to bed women." I figured when a guy says that about his best friend, you have to take it seriously.
But I think you can always put a good spin on it with "You know, I don't expect trouble, but I'm there in case it happens." Which is different from "I'm there to keep you out of trouble." I'm sure if she's been hanging out in bars long enough, she knows, so if you work with what she knows and believes, it shouldn't have to be an issue that you're there.