Sweetpeach
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Posts posted by Sweetpeach
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Tricia, don't worry, your posts do not come across as gossiping. ;)
Thanks Colleen - some people do this relational thing so easily. For me, it's unquestionably my growing edge.
xoxo
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SolaMichella, thanks for your post. Yes, I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your perspective.
I've watched for your posts and I must say that you have kept a very soft heart despite injustice and I'm inspired to keep walking with grace when sometimes I want to throw a temper tantrum. My nature is to clam up, so the fact that I'm actually validating my feelings and not squashing them is a big deal for me.
Warmly, Tricia
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Thank you, Hivers. You are delightful.
I haven't ordered anything for art just yet - I think I'll have to do more research based on what you've tossed my way.
Artfully,
Tricia
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If these women have said things that hurt you in the past, maybe they are the kind of people you can spend time with, but, not absolutely open your heart to. It's okay to do that! It's freeing.
Hope this helps.
This is ***exactly*** what I'm working towards.
Is this a natural talent you possess?
It's a bit tricky, because we were pretty tight for quite some time and are together in situations where we are treading deeper in a group setting (sorry - can't elaborate more than this.)
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What would you need from them in order to continue with the friendship? Is there anything that they could do to make it right? I can't tell from what you have said if the women aren't repentent or if the women just aren't responding the way you wish they would. But, either way, it sounds like you are working on your end and want to approach it the right way. I think sometimes though, the best friendships come when we put ourselves back out there even after being hurt (depending on the nature of the hurt, of course). It doesn't sound like these women are evil, perhaps just insensitive? I'm sorry that you are going through this!!
Hi there, WTMindy.
In order to continue the friendship like it used to be, I would need them to engage with me for a few minutes about why their words hurt and really listen, instead of deflecting, being defensive, saying they don't remember the incident (???), or telling me this is my issue and let's move on. I would love for them to be able to say "I'm sorry that my words caused hurt" instead of the old stand-by, "I'm sorry *but* I'm right about this." The but in my mind negates the apology. It feels like the need to be right has over-ruled the desire for the friendship to carry on in a positive way. I want to be heard. Is that wrong? Should it be enough that God and I know what happened and just carry on?
To be clear, these are not in any way evil, horrible women. They are lovely women. I wish they were horrible so I could drop them both like hot potatoes and never need to look back (lol). I see God's Glory and Goodness in both of them. My heart doesn't feel safe with them.
I have stewed over this now since March, trying to figure out the best way to carry on. For now, I just kinda fake it . . . but we both know that something is awkward. hmmmm.
Thanks for your help.
Tricia
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The situation is "vague" because people here attend my church (nothing about them ;) but I'm very careful about slime-ing or gossip -- I'm truly just trying to figure out how to walk gracefully and wisely with people who've hurt me but aren't able to acknowledge their unkindness.
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I think that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different issues. Forgiveness means giving up the claim that they owe you something or wanting revenge for the offense. Since, from a Christian point of view, we're all in debt to God, and when you have a creditor, anything owed to you belongs to the creditor, we can pass it on to Jesus and be done with it ourselves.
Reconciliation is a different matter. Trust is something earned, not granted. An extreme example would be if you were sexually abused by someone as a child, you could forgive that person. You would never be reconciled to the extent that you would allow your child to be alone with them. Another example is infidelity in marriage: if a husband has an affair, the wife may forgive, but only time and consistent repentant patterns will rebuild trust.
You are vague about your own situation, so it's hard to tell. The feeling that you don't want to re-enter the relationship could be a signal that you haven't really forgiven--you're cutting them off, which can be a form of punishment. Fine. You hurt me. I "forgive" you, but I don't want to be around you anymore. Or, it could be that an aspect of the relationship was revealed that was patently unhealthy and that the other person is not open to changing, in which case keeping one's distance might be the wise thing.
A couple of things I would suggest in either case: pray for blessings for the women who hurt you, and figure out ways to "do good" to them. They've acted as your enemies in that particular situation, and Jesus gave explicit instructions on how to treat one's enemies. Pray for them...do good to them. Pray and ask God for creative ways to bless them: maybe making a meal, taking them a bouquet of flowers, offering to watch their children. He will know. You can just say, "I wanted to bless you." If you have trouble with this, it's likely that the issue is lack of forgiveness. If you do it, you've done what God says to do. It often melts hearts both ways. (Not always.)
I need more time than I have right now to respond to this . . . I absolutely do speak blessing on both of these women. I don't feel at all vindictive or vengeful. I just can't rest my heart with them, which is awkward.
Part of me thinks I should just get. over. it already, but the other part of me wants to honour my feelings on this.
In the past, I've done exactly what you wrote about -- the whole "fine, I forgive you but don't ever expect me to talk to you again." I'm trying to figure out how to not do what you spoke about, but in the same breath, walking wisely in the friendship.
Thank you for your wise words.
I'll check back here later today!
Tricia
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I would think if they were your friends, they would understand you need a little space and time.
Also, I think sometimes when Peter asked Jesus about forgiveness, and Jesus said, "Not seven times, but seventy times seven..." that it is possible this includes forgiving the same person, for the same thing. I struggle with going over and over in my head what I would really say, if I could say it all-past hurts, or conversations where I wished I had spoken out more, and they all end in disaster (in my head! LOL). Each time I think of that situation, or that person, I realize I have to forgive-again. For the same thing-again.
Does that make sense?
I don't think I'm struggling with the forgiveness part -- I'm trying to figure out how to walk wisely in relationship, knowing that neither seem able to receive or acknowledge the abrasiveness of there words.
Wouldn't a wise person navigate those friendships differently than other friendships? This is my struggle - I don't want to hold these women at a distance but based on experience, it wouldn't be wise to do anything but hold them at a distance.
I understand where you are coming from -- the mental re-hash is a clear sign that things aren't well.
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Hivers, I have to decide . . . I toss and turn, not wanting to make the wrong decision . . .
I feel drawn towards the Harmony program . . . but many of you hear rave about Atelier.
We spent **alot** of money on private art lessons last year, but sometimes it felt like we were missing technique.
My boys are almost 10 and 8 and dd is 5.
I need a dvd component for technique. I can't draw my way out of a paper bag.
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I do think it's to everyone's benefit to be honest (with grace and tact) about why you're not able to carry on as before. Injuries to the heart or spirit take time to heal, and, sad as it is, sometimes a friendship just needs to be laid to rest.
This is the tricky part . . . I've tried twice to gently and gracefully explain why I've needed to draw back . . . with very little success. I hesitate to jump back into that conversation again . . . it's seems so futile and pointless.
I don't want to put on a fake smile and pretend it's all A-OK again -- I also don't want to continue dragging this around.
I think I understand reconciliation a bit better and that gives me something to mull over.
Thank you, PD
Tricia
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I guess the best analogy I can think of is when one of your dc does something wrong, but you realize it's because he's not ready for that level of responsibility. So you make a note to yourself to not allow him to do it again until he shows he's responsible enough.
I think we have to do that with adults sometimes.
Yes, I agree with you here -- expectation kills relationship. I guess I feel surprised that neither of these women (who I regard as spiritually mature) had the ability to acknowledge or validate that their actions/words were very inappropriate. Neither of them can understand why I need distance or why I have a hard time placing my trust with them.
TY,
Tricia
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You didn't ask for a Christian answer, but this is the only perspective from which I can understand this issue...
Forgiveness is between you and God. It is giving up your anger and bitterness to God so these feelings can no longer hurt you. Reconciliation is between you and the other person. Whenever possible, reconciliation should be sought. However, we may in some circumstances (abusive relationships for example) decide that reconciliation is not in our best interests. We still love the person and we pray for them, but we maintain a safe distance.
In cases where reconciliation is desired, there is also the issue of trust. You need to feel assured that be will not be hurt again. Until this is the case, you should not feel bad about proceeding cautiously, testing the other person until they prove they can be trusted. Trust and accountability go hand in hand. ;)
I hope some of this helps :grouphug:
Thank you -- this is the information-wisdom that I couldn't get to on my own. You see, both of these women are lovely and I fully understand that we all have our package of hurt/brokeness which hinders present relationships. I long to be merciful and graceful despite my own hurt from the situation.
You've spoken to my core issue: trust. I do not feel at all assured that this relational style (which I find abrasive and hurtful) will not rise to the surface and bite me again. Their reaction to my hurt was not well received and so I hesitate to lean into them.
You can appreciate how tricky it can be within a church family that puts emphasis on hashing out relational problems . . . how do you gently tell someone that their response to a hurt only added fuel to the fire? Sometimes I feel like these moments can't be taught -- they have to be caught. I think it's a Holy Spirit revelation moment . . .
Thank you.
Tricia
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Hivers, please tell me your thoughts on forgiveness and reconcilation.
Over the past year, I've found myself in tricky friendship situations . . . and so, there's been two different moments of feeling very cut or hurt by a friends words or actions . . . I feel that I've forgiven both of these folks. I understand forgiveness.
What I'm grappling with is the reconcilation part . . . I don't feel reconciled with either of these women, which means I don't feel like I want to lean into them or press into their friendship offerings.
The tricky part is I genuinely like both of these women.
At some point, I'll need to revisit these relationships and try to explain that I don't feel reconciled -- I don't feel like I have any words to describe that "Yes, I forgive you" but "No, I don't feel like our relationship can progress based on how you handled my moment of feeling cut (defensive, angry, how-dare-you-point-out-my-weaknesses sort of attitude?)
Any wise thoughts about forgiveness and reconcilation?
Thank you, Tricia
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Ladies, I've been deeply impacted by this thread.
On one level, I feel affirmed in our relational, non-spanking approach to walking gracefully with our kidlets.
On a deeper level, I despair over the pain/trauma that some of you experienced at the hands of your own parents. (((Pam))) and there were others (((Wheezie))) . . . the fact that you have done the intense emotional work of walking out forgiveness, that you see a different way of parenting. I guess I just need to say that I have such respect for those of you who have walked out of deep personal injustice, and yet continue to carry on.
Such integrity and amazing inner-strength . . . I stand in awe of you ladies. IRL, I too would be loving and hugging you; validating your worth and goodness.
xoxoxo
Tricia
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To start, I would suggest spending some time exploring Joanne's site.
She has so much positive parenting wisdom there.
Yes, Joanne's perspective is on the $$$, in my opinion -- grace-based parenting has revolutionized our family life.
Good luck!
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For the first time in a long time, I read every single response in this thread.
No surprise what I think about this: absolutely inappropriate to spank teenage children, and in terms of worshipping at the church, my only response is "run for the hills and quickly." People fully engrained in such dysfunction will not take kindly to a sweet, young lady pointing out that they are doing the parenting thing wrong.
My question for you, Calming Tea is this: In terms of your own beliefs, would you call yourself a first-generation Christian?
T
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We live in a bike unfriendly town and the kids and I bike frequently. We have a college with bike paths so we go through the college to the 1 bike lane in town. We can do downtown, campus, a few restaurants, etc. The library is 1 mile by car, almost 3 by bike. We love it though - so I search out sidewalks, safe roads, etc. as much as possible. We also go at times when there are fewer cars.
Hi, we too live in a unfriendly biking town -- but I think our city politicians are least debating the possibility of bike lanes at some point in the future.
T
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Hi Betty, thank you for posting your experience as a biking kid. Our main suburban street is busy, heavy traffic, buses during the commuter times of the day . . . but I am optimistic that we could learn proper bike safety - the over-emphasis you spoke about is what I'm tossing around these days.
My children are young but I haven't ruled out the possibility of biking most of the time for our local summer travels -- it may have to wait until next year, with another summer of biking experience under their belts.
T
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I thoroughly enjoyed Juno . . . thought-provoking on many levels. I had a big cry towards the end of the movie, when Juno and the baby's father were curled up in the hospital bed together . . . her crying, him comforting.
I don't think Juno had any idea how many more tears she might cry over her baby - not in regret for allowing her baby to be adopted, but for how her heart would be forever changed by her pregancy experience.
My only criticism of the movie is that it seemed to present a pie-in-the-sky attitude towards how a woman is affected by pregnancy. It somehow just seemed too easy . . . the pregancy, the birth, and in a blink of an eye, they're in love, playing guitars together at the end of the drive and doing the happily ever after, "we're in love" thing.
Ahhh, if real life were only that easy?
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Hmmm, thinking about a back-passage to get to our favorite spots on our bikes . . . and I'm not all the way sure we could get there without hitting a heavy-traffic zone . . .
Thank you for bumping me -- I had no idea what "bump" meant. lol
Tricia
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We live fairly close to our suburban core -- we "could" bike to the library, do groceries, church, Staples . . . anything we'd need on a weekly basis is very accessible either on our feet, year-round and by bike for 7 months of the year.
At what age do you think children can handle the danger of biking properly on the street? Hand signals, street-wise etc etc. It's a given that I'd always be with them on my bike with my youngest (5) on a back-bike. Would taking a cycling safety course help us manage the dangers? I question the safety of back-bikes. (The one-wheeled bike that attaches to the seat post of the adult's bike - child pedals and steers on her own 1/2 bike.)
My oldest son is 9.5 and second son is 8.
I just can't imagine taking my children on the street, with vehicles zipping by, but neither can we just bike on the sidewalks. We have a substantial amount of pedestrian flow with little bike ease to speak of on our streets. I'm very concerned about safety . . .
Has anyone else ventured out into free transportation on their bikes, in an unfriendly-for-biking town?
Ultimately, we'd like to return to being a one-car family . . . with that one car being a hybrid. I'd also like to avoid becoming a shack-wacky homeschooling mother who will be at home all. day. every. day.
Tricia
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Winners: Lively Latin, GWG, MEP (free Math program from UK), Brave Writer
SOTW: not a winner and not a loser -- I have to figure out a way for everyone to be more engaged.
Losers: SWR (*sigh* - after finally figuring it out, I decided there had to be an easier way . . . AAS in the fall.)
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Late as usual to the thread, but I'm still laughing like a hyenna.
:lol::lol::lol::rofl:
Doran, my eyes are tearing over from laughing.
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Melissa in St Louis -- on so many levels, what you've invited us to watch is incredibly fascinating.
The chances of me being in St Louis are slim to none, but if IF IF -- I'd definitely do dinner and a foo-foo drink at your restaurant.
Very inspiring!
T
Forgiveness and Reconciliation.
in General Education Discussion Board
Posted
I agree with you, Ellie -- forgiveness doesn't mean folly. It was the lovely Beansprout who pieced it together for me. Forgiveness is between me and God. Reconciliation between me and my friend.
Warmly, T