Hoot
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Posts posted by Hoot
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What do you mean when you say his depression is under control?
He has been on medication for 20 years for his depression. I encouraged him to go to the doctor and deal with it when we were still dating. Since then, he's only had 1 or 2 issues that he struggled to manage, one of which was the result of a minor head injury. The meds keep him functional while other activities have helped him to feel more fulfilled as a person.
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Update:
Things have been resolved. I texted DH about the situation (we actually do really well at having serious conversations via text - it keeps things on topic) and we talked at length about it. I was very honest but also non-confrontational and non-accusatory. I won't go into all of the discussion that we had, but we're actually laughing about it right now. I really do get over things quickly once they're out in the open.
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OP, does your DH have chronic illness or pain, or has he had a physical in a while? I ask because we have had similar conversations here twice (minus the divorce talk). The first time was a couple months before back surgery (he was a completely different person when he was woke up from the anesthesia and was no longer in pain). The second time was a few months ago, shortly followed by wonky symptoms, wonkier bloodwork, and a specialist referral.
If he used to be okay at this appreciation and recognition stuff, but recently seems unable to juggle normal life plus special occasions without whacking him with a calendar, it wouldn't hurt him to get checked out medically.
He has a history of depression, but it is currently under control. He doesn't have any other chronic health issues that would be a factor.
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This is the only act of passive aggressive behavior you've ever noticed in him? He made two upsetting decisions here: 1) to get a gift for son and not you, and 2) not acknowledging the efforts you made.
Honestly if he's not passive aggressive except for this, ever... I'd start snooping, because I would assume the disinterest came from somewhere. Is he an addict of some kind? Does he have a history of affairs? Does he have some other sort of obsession? It sounds like covert narcissism or one of these other factors is at play, because there is no way he wasn't aware he was screwing up.
I've never heard of covert narcissism, but the answer to all of the others is, no.
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I'm just going to throw this out to you, OP, for your consideration: you sound an awful lot like a wife of a covert narcissist. A wife who hasn't figured it out because you just don't know that what you've been experiencing has a name. Go on YouTube and start watching some videos. There's a guy named Jerry Wise who has some good videos, and a guy named Ton whose channel is Narcissism Survivor.
I might be wrong, but watch some videos, and see if what they're talking about sounds familiar. Hopefully, I'm wrong.
It could be that the two of you are just miscommunicating.
Thank you for the information. I've never heard of this so I'll look into it for more details.
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This makes more sense.
If he really bought the 17 yo a Valentine's gift and nothing for his wife, and acknowledged her efforts with "thanks", I'd be inclined to think he was making a point deliberately. That would scream passive-aggressive BS to me.
Honestly, he really doesn't do passive aggressive, so I don't think that's it.
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That's exactly why it would irk me off, and I couldn't quite articulate it in my own post.
OP, when you bring it up with him, be sure to pinpoint specifically why you are upset. Not in an accusatory way, but just using this thread as an example....it started out with one post, and people started posting one way. Later as more information is shared, people started thinking different ways. So when you bring it up with him, make sure you identify the particular things you are upset about so that you can be sure he clearly understands your thoughts and feelings on it.
This is exactly why I didn't bring it up last night. Talking to other adults and working through it verbally can help me to clarify things in my own head and help me to see whether I'm overreacting and being silly with an issue or if I am genuinely right to be upset.
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very gently . . .
this attitude concerns me.
my grandmother thought this way. we were expected to read her mind - when we didn't, it gave her an excuse to be angry with us. (she *loved* to be a martyr. ) she could be angry at people so long - she'd long forgotten even why she was angry, 'only that she was'. then she would claim that person was in her "debt" and she used it to justify herself in the way she treated them.
Read the rest of the thread. And I understand the type of person you're talking about. My grandmother was exactly that woman. Even my husband would tell you that that is not me at all.
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Ouch. I just want to say I hear your disappointment and pain, and get where it's coming from.
Amy
Thank you.
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Ok, so when he saw the balloons and flowers and food, what did he do?Did he say "Oh wow, I totally forgot about Valentine's day...I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for all this!"
or did he ignore it? Or what?
He didn't acknowledge the flowers or balloons, which is fine, but he did say, "Oh you got dinner, thanks." Then I went into the story of how I ended up getting him the food I did after the restaurant didn't have what I really wanted to get him.
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Some of this still puzzles me though--like, I would never assume my husband had read his Facebook feed while at work.
I know that He does because he was posting on Facebook from work.
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Did he express appreciation? Did he express any feeling of apology or anything when he realized that you had done something and he hadn't? If you don't want to answer, I completely understand.
He did say, "thanks" but there was no mention of him having forgotten or chosen to do something to reciprocate.
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Hoot, I'm usually on the side of "it's just a Hallmark holiday, and some people don't notice or care about those", but in this case I'm totally on your side.
You are not being petty, you just had a recent conversation, and he usually puts forth at minimum, the effort of a text. Your feelings are completely justified.
I'm one of those people who do not notice or care about holidays most of the time, so I usually don't make a big deal out of them for myself or others. But, when DH and I were going through a rough time, trying to bebuild what was lost - that kind of stuff was more important to both of us. We both made that extra effort to celebrate every little thing because it was important.
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
I'm sorry he disappointed you. I'd like to recommend the seemingly most ironic book title in history (in my experience). I had this book, read it, and left it for DH to read if he wanted. He was "too busy with work" for a couple months, until the day I told him that the kids and I would not be returning home with him from my family's place when we visited for Christmas. He read the book in one sitting, then kept me up all night...talking about us and our marriage. It was a turning point. Seven years later, we're still going strong.
I don't know if it will have the same type of effect for you, but it can't hurt to try.
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
Thank you for the book suggestion. I will look into it.
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Why is it so hard to accept/understand that days like this are simply not on some peoples' radar?
Because, in this case, it wasn't a simple case of it not being on his radar. His Facebook feed was full of pics of what his friends were doing (we're friends with some of the same people) and he bought our 17 year old son something at the store over the weekend.
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Take the quiz on this site: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/, and have your husband take it too. I'm almost certain at least one of your love languages is gifts - when you don't get gifts, you don't feel loved. And I'd be willing to bet his are the opposite of yours. Once you understand that, you can do better than the golden rule- (treat others the way you'd like to be treated), you can follow the platinum rule (treat people the way they want to be treated), and that can make all the difference.
The book is definitely worth a read, and it has been a bestseller for years, so I'm sure you can find it at any well-stocked library.
I read this book years ago. He has always been acts of service and I am a pretty even mix of words of affirmation and physical touch. Gifts aren't even on my radar or his. I simply like some sort of acknowledgement that I'm important to the other person. I would think that anyone would desire that.
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It sounds like you are very wounded, and I am sorry you are so hurt. A question for you, that is meant in the gentlest way possible- do you really think you were putting the thought and effort into what you did because you were truly considering him or because you wanted to prove that you did your part? I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like you did not put a whole lot of thought into your gift to him as well. You ran around after work last minute. Does your dh really like flowers and balloons? (most men I know don't).
Yikes, ok yes, you really are way off base. Yes, I did put thought into it. My husband ADORES food. The main part for him was the dinner, dessert (his favorite), and watching tv. The flowers and balloons were merely decorations. And no, I didn't simply run around after work at the last minute with no forethought, though I understand that my wording made it sound like it. I had this planned for a few days, but the nature of the items meant running around after work on the day of in order for everything to be hot, fresh, and a surprise.
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"Happy Hallmark Holiday Day"? That leaves me with the impression that at least on some level, he thinks Valentines Day is a bit dumb.
We always had a humorous relationship. We're not super gushy or anything. Even this would have been sufficient for me. Just an acknowledgement. I don't NEED gifts. I just hopes for an acknowledgement of some sort.
Then, I am wondering what happened when you realized you had gotten him some gifts, but he didn't get you anything. Did you communicate how you felt about it to him? How did he react? Being able to discuss those sorts of things calmly is important.
Nothing happened. No, I didn't discuss it because I personally need time to think and process before discussion. That was partly what my post here was for. I was hurt and frustrated, but at the same time, I want to be less emotional about it when I discuss it with him. I need to process aloud beforehand in order to clarify my thoughts and feelings.
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Does he also ignore his mother on mother's day, unless she specifically tells him to get her a card or whatever?
OH my goodness, THIS!
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Have you considered marriage counseling at all? Dh and I have been in counseling off and on for years; it can take a few tries to find a counselor who is a good fit but a good one really can make a difference.
We have discussed it but haven't acted on it yet. DH is not sold on its effectiveness and, to be honest, I am a bit wary because I've heard more people say that they found themselves worse off in the end than to when they started than actual success stories.
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I am not attached to the holidays. I do not feel that I have unrealistic expectations or expect him to read my mind. We literally just had a conversation on Saturday about how I feel that I am the only one making an effort in the restoration of our marriage and that I feel like I'm the only one who is genuinely invested. We talked about what him being invested looks like. Side note - it sounds like I'm being very demanding because this is all so one-sided but that's not the case. We both had points of discussion for what is currently working vs what isn't. He agreed that he has not been showing me that he is invested even if he feels that he is. The hurt is that we had this conversation and yet he still didn't feel like it was important at all to even make the tiniest of gestures.
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We have always done lunch or dinner on a weekend night close to Valentine's day. On the day of he usually sends me a "Happy Valentine's Day" or "Happy Hallmark Holiday Day" type text. In the past he has occasionally sent me flowers or those fruit bouquet things or just brought me something little... I genuinely didn't expect anything huge and I'm not upset that it wasn't anything extravagant. Something as simple as a picking up a bottle of my favorite drink on his way home or sending a simple text would have been enough to tell me that I wasn't the only one making an effort here.
And I'm sorry but I just don't buy the "it's not his skill set" or "it's not his nature" excuses. Why are we so quick to let guys off the hook for things so easily like that? They certainly don't forget when they're dating us. Everyone wants to know that they are appreciated. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that. And if I have to remind you to appreciate me on the biggest couples day of the year, then don't even bother because I don't want your pity gifts. I want a genuine expression of your affection no matter how big or small.
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UPDATE IN POST #114
So to try to make a long story short, my marriage is not great and hasn't been for years. I finally told DH a few weeks ago that I wanted us to BOTH actively work at repairing it or I want a divorce. We both agreed to do the work and came up with specific action items. Things have been going ok. I feel like I'm the one steering the ship, but it's better than it was.
Fast-forward to Valentine's Day. I run around after work and buy flowers, balloons, a dinner for us that we can eat in front of the tv at home since I knew he wouldn't want to go out anywhere. What did I get? Nothing. Not one thing. Not even a generic Happy Valentine's Day text. To say that I'm frustrated and angry is an understatement. I already felt like I was the one steering this whole reconciliation ship, but now I REALLY feel like the only one who cares. And on top of it, I feel like I'm being petty for being so hurt and angry.
Maybe I could have specifically told him that I expected something... ANYTHING, but really if I have to tell you that I want to be remembered on Valentine's Day, then don't bother.
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I cannot believe after 5 pages no one suggested working or volunteering in an emergency room.
I am never bored. I am frequently unable to think anymore and need to crawl up on the couch in a fetal position, but never bored. All those adrenaline rushes of the ER have probably seared my brain over the past 20 years. But, I know there is no career more fulfilling and exciting for me.
What would one volunteer to do in an ER without medical training? I'm genuinely curious, because I think that's something I would enjoy. I volunteered in the PCU years ago and loved it.
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Orange jello. We do thanksgiving at the in-laws' house and she makes orange jello with some sort of orange pudding topping. It's delicious, but not at all a thanksgiving-esque food. The holiday would seem odd without it after 18 years in their family.
The Great Courses 2 for 1 credit audible deal?
in High School and Self-Education Board
Posted
I love this sale, but it rarely happens that any of the courses that I have on my wishlist are actually a part of the sale.
This time I ended up buying:
*An Introduction to Infectious Diseases
and
*Turning Points in Middle Eastern History
because they looked interesting, though neither were in my running wishlist.
The one I wanted most, "The United States and the Middle East 1914 - 9/11" was not part of the sale, but I decided to buy it anyway. I have been dying to listen to this one since it came out but kept putting it off for one reason or another. Can't wait to give it a listen.