mamajag
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Posts posted by mamajag
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Why won't you cash the check? Will you be sending thank you notes?
I think it will make you look petty if you don't cash the check and acknowledge the gifts. At least try to pretend that they meant well, send the notes, and put it all out of your mind.
Because doing that with a narcissist means everything is A-OK and everything is back to normal.
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Except Marbel (nor anyone else)didn't say or imply anything of the sort.
If you have so many friends and so many great things going on in your life that you cannot have any empathy for others who FB is sometimes a hurtful place consider yourself lucky.
Let's see. OP doesn't get baked goods and wonders if they've annoyed their friend because someone else did. Obviously something's wrong or they'd have had the super awesome baked goods they're entitled to. Other people have issues with finding out they weren't part of a gathering and think people shouldn't tag each other on a social media outlet where the entire point is to share these things. Another is worried about someone not getting invited to a birthday party.
Is FB a hurtful place sometimes, yeah. Is not getting baked goods or finding out your friends have *gasp* other friends they hang out with without you on occasions supposed to be one of those? No. This isn't normal or okay. This is why women can't have large groups of friends, and it's a problem. This is something women need to let go of. Empathy isn't the right response for this. It's not something we need to pat on the head and encourage. It's so frustrating. I don't have any of these issues with my male friends. It's refreshing.
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Wow. Harsh. :(
So is assigning horrible motives to a thank you note on FB or tagged get together post without even talking to the person in question. There could be a hundred reasons why something didn't happen a certain way. Maybe a batch of the baked goods didn't turn out and the friend thought to share with the other friend because the first friend had it before. Maybe finances were tight and they couldn't invite every child they wanted to the birthday party but were too embarrassed to say so. Anything could have happened. If a person is someone I consider a friend, I ask before deciding that something nefarious is afoot and I expect to be given the same courtesy. If things are this way consistently, I don't stick around long. I'm allowed to have more than one friend and can do things with one group of friends without it being a bone of contention with others. Not all of my friends like each other. Why would I tolerate such manipulative behavior?
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I think if you're that sensitive FB is not a good place for you. I consider FB a place I communicate with people I consider friends or family. It's not supposed to be the place where someone compares notes on how much time you spend with your other friends or gets butthurt because you got another friend a gift. I like it when my friends have active, happy lives with lots of friends around them. I don't have to be their very bestest friend.
I consider getting upset over baked goods on FB something very petty and would be shocked to find out someone who called themselves my friend would feel entitled to that every year and hurt that it was someone else's turn that year. I'm under no illusions that my friends or my kids' friends don't do things without me/us. It's fine.
This kind of drama isn't something I suffer long.
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I've looked at Mr. Money Mustache a couple times.
Blogs like that don't do me much good because if I remember correctly he has no mortgage payment (or rent), so he makes it sound impressive that he lives of $30 k a year with a family but if we had no rent or mortgage we'd be doing great too.
The Peaceful Mom blog was helpful a few years back when she wrote a series how she and her family live off less than $30k a year with paying $1000/ month in rent.
I have a hard time with money saving blogs that are written by people with huge financial advantages in life... but maybe I'm bitter.
Many people have those "advantages" because they scrimped and saved and focused on getting rid of all that debt, though. I'm sure there were years where MMM didn't have quite the same life. Besides, even if I can't take advantage of all of his advice, I can find useful bits that help me get to the place where I can take advantage of more of his advice. It's a process. If I had clicked away from YNAB and MMM because I couldn't do everything that day, I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
When I first read your post, I figured you were in Austin. I just moved here and am amazed at house and rent prices. We're doing okay with it, but we had to get a more expensive apartment than I wanted because here GSDs are "vicious dogs" and I didn't have many options.
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Regarding things like the milk, I have a saying, "It's okay to make a mess but you have to clean it up." The kids accept it. If it's particularly bad and overwhelming, I will help.
The yelling I haven't totally figured out. Often it's a sign the yeller is tired or overwhelmed. I suggest quiet time to think about it and if they start arguing with me about it, I enforce quiet time.
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It's a private, invite only place. I have no qualms about people coming into it if they are invited. My best yarn is stashed in there, so knitting friends tend to come in and pet the lovelies. I have no trouble letting a mama with a kid in diapers use the bed as a platform to change the baby or whatever.
The thing is that as a kid I wasn't entitled to any privacy. I am an introvert and like having my one little area of the house where I can go to relax. It's not a sanctuary, but it is mentally beneficial to me to have a kid-free space.
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How is picking up and moving a viable option? Our lives are here, DH's work is here, etc. It is NOT an option. How is that not just as giving in to fear as going along with everything to keep him happy. In the end, isn't that also giving them control? To break us from our lives, our friendships, etc? I don't see that as a solution.
If you move, leave no forwarding address, and build a life without your abusers, you are taking every ounce of control from them. I just moved 8 hours away from our ILs following a situation similar to yours that led to physical assault of me and my daughter. Frankly, even though we ended up starting over and my credit card balances are higher than I would like due to the move, my ONLY regret is not doing it a decade ago. It took getting my DH completely away from the craziness for him to fully understand what they are, and he's still processing it. But he's thanking me now for getting our family out of that situation because he couldn't see it while he was in it.
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UPDATE #2
So now I am mad at DH. He admitted yesterday that while he was there he invited them to Christmas Eve at our house (our normal tradition). I'm so hurt. They did ask "are you sure that would be okay?" in which case he said "sure". Other than them asking "are you sure that would be okay?" they never acknowledged that they had said or done anything wrong. What was he thinking? I showed my frustration but I didn't get angry at him. He said he would call and tell them nevermind but now that gives them a real reason to hate me and call me the b*tch. Up until now I have never said or done a single mean thing to them. I would like to keep their hate for me unfounded. I guess they will come to my house for Christmas Eve. Whether I stay I am not sure. I seriously may just leave.
ETA
It is a vicious cycle of them blowing up at me and then we all move on like nothing happened. They never need to apologize. I am just supposed to suck it up and move on. Maybe I'm just getting more self confidence in my old age but I'm tired of being treated like this and everyone thinking it is okay.
As someone who recently escaped this situation, stop being so nice. It's not about being nice with this type of people. They will take advantage every time. Stand your ground. Save your Christmas, and be done with it. The only way things change is if you change them and stand your ground. Your DH has been under their thumb too long to be truly helpful in this.
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Miscarriage is the death of a baby. So is a stillbirth. Both women lost a child (or in OP's case children). It's not unfair to note that her losses went totally unacknowledged by a woman who is lording her loss over the entire family. This is a big problem in this society...women who miscarry are expected to act as though nothing happened and they lost nothing. It's not healthy and it's not right.
SIL has a LOT of issues, but the OP's mention of her miscarriages to show the difference in how they were treated isn't one of them.-
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It would hurt my feelings quite a bit to receive only 'delegated' messages from an inlaw but not from my sibling directly in those kinds of circumstances. So although I think SIL is WAAAAY OTT in this ongoing drama, I also think that your husband should have contacted her and his brother directly himself in addition to your good wishes, right after this happened.
Just after surgery, in the pain med haze, he's supposed to be fully aware and able to do that? I'm sorry, but that's just not realistic. As a couple, wishes from one should stand for both. "DH sends his condolences and prayers but is recovering from surgery and quite medicated so I'm doing the texting" should be more than enough. Certainly once one finds out that this is the situation grace should be extended.
I should show the group my attempts at texting family to say I survived shoulder surgery. They are nothing I'd want to receive if I'd just lost a baby.
It sounds to me like there is some pre-existing if unvoiced issue between OP and SIL and combined with the tragedy and the grief it's exploded. I'd not cut contact, but I wouldn't be initiating any either.
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Weird that isn't happening in Canada or Europe. What is your evidence that our gun homicide rate that is so much higher than theirs is only due to "sick" individuals?
Remember a while back the popular conspiracy theory was that medications for mental illnesses were causing these shootings because so many were either on the medications or coming off of them when the shooting occurred? I'm not doing your homework for you. Look back at shootings. Check how many had mental illnesses that were undertreated or not being treated at all.
It's about how we're not taking care of the sick and ensuring their (and our) safety.
More gun laws are just more laws these shooters are going to ignore. After all, murder is against the law. If a law was going to stop them, it would have already.
I'm tired of tragedies being used to try to advance a political agenda. People are interested in the symptom, not the disease.
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Yet there are fewer dead people in so many other countries. Why?
Because we are a society producing profoundly sick individuals while providing next to no care management for the mentally ill. Blaming guns is to ignore the root of the problem. There is no innate value to a human life any more.
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The problem is that the criminals already don't obey the laws. You know, like the you-shouldn't-kill-people law? So what good would more laws do? The only way to stop the madness is to get rid of the guns. ALL the guns. Then you wouldn't have to have a gun to protect your family from a guy with a gun because he wouldn't have a gun either!
What is magical about your no guns law that criminals would obey that law?
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I could have written this post about my ILs. Cut the rope. Seriously. Cutting them out and moving 500 miles away was far and away the best thing my family has ever done. We didn't know how much it was affecting us until we are gone, and frankly almost 3 months later we're still processing it all.
It feels so good to make decisions based on what is best for my family and not based on how unstable, narcisstic people are going to react. I wasted 12 years trying to be a peacemaker. Don't be me.
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Yes. The vacuum has trained me well. It's even trained my five year old child. When i come home and my floors aren't vacuumed and I have to track down the missing vacuum, I absolutely loathe whatever it choked on. Usually a spare bit of laundry on the floor. DD and I are pretty good about eyeballing the house before we head out the door.
I agree. The kids are used to the "Buttons ready" (that's the Roomba's name) standard here now. I may have to pick a couple of things up, but it's nowhere near as bad. I mean, all I have to do is pick the stuff up, turn on the vacuum, and knit. My 6yo loves to empty the Roomba's bin.
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It's better than having UPS simply refuse to deliver it because "there are too many packages and I'm not hiring any more holiday help".
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Seems to be an odd con considering it is 100% dependent upon both the school and police to go completely off the rails regarding how to handle clock parts.
The Post is also equivalent to the Enquirer in many ways.
There are many other news outlets that reported this, all coming from a Paris based Sudanese newspaper. Pick whichever one suits you. It happened.
Given their history with CAIR, a clock in a suitcase could have predictably led to a freakout by law enforcement.
I am kin to the man who was Grand Dragon of the KKK in MS during the 60s. My kids have never met nor been photographed with the monster. The kind of lack of judgment required to take photos with a war criminal is problematic for a family trying to paint itself as peaceful Muslims who were discriminated against for no reason.
Something stinks here on both sides.
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We don't actually know if they made poor decisions or not yet. He might have said it was a bomb, the school wasn't allowed to tell the media what triggered the whole incident. Now that there is a lawsuit they will be able to tell their side. I find it hard to believe the story is as simple as the family made it out to be --especially since the father is an activist and the family greatly profited from the entire story.
I agree, given that this happened. It brings everything into question in my opinion. I supported the kid at first but now it just seems like an elaborate con.
http://nypost.com/2015/10/19/clock-kid-ahmed-mohamed-boosts-the-butcher-of-darfur/
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We don't like turkey, so we are having a chicken and dressing my husband makes that is yummy.
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My husband is gone half the year. We celebrate the holidays we can when he's home, and the others are rescheduled. We have yet to die or our family fall apart. We are preparing for Thanksgivingmas as I type.
I guess I'm just grateful he HAS a job. Thanksgiving and all.
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The Roombas (at least the 880s and the 980) have a much simpler design and it's really hard to tangle pet hair in it. Longer hair like my daughter's will wrap around the extractors, but that's a 10 second fix and roomba will tell you quite quickly to do this if there's any impedence at all with the extractors. It's designed really, really shockingly well. Every bit of maintenance save one can be done without tools.
I've killed a mass of Hoovers, two Sharks, and a Dyson. Roomba laughs in the face of ALL of them. I bought it because I had shoulder surgery and couldn't sling a vacuum and realized no one in the house was going to either. I never expected it to become my main vacuum. If you were to get a Roomba, you would die of shock as to how much your big vacuum left behind (and change his bin constantly for a week or two). After that it becomes much more normal.
The Roomba's little brother Braava is also pretty awesome if you have laminate floors and hate to mop. Between Buttons and Vader, I have clean floors and much more time to knit. ;) As I type Vader is mopping the kitchen and Buttons is vacuuming my bedroom.
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Which model Roomba? We love ours. German Shepherd sheds a ton, and it handles everything very well. Ours is a 980 and totally worth it. Yes eventually his battery will die. That's the nature of electronics. However, he completely embarrassed my Dyson to the point that I didn't even bring it with me from MS to TX. My husband has a shopvac for the stuff Buttons can't do. No regrets. I just bought the Braava floor mopping robot because I was so impressed with the Roomba.
I can answer specific questions if you have them.
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If it flipped out that fast, take it back while you're in the return period. Trying to fix a computer that came out of the box bad never ends well.
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UPDATE #3 Do I need to just let go of a relationship with my inlaws?
in The Chat Board
Posted
This is true, but I don't think she's ready for no contact. the kids and I are both full no contact. They don't have our numbers, emails, or addresses. They have DH's phone but since I read them the riot act and he didn't condemn me they text him maybe twice a month. He responds basically only to let them know he's alive.
I dearly wish there wasn't such dysfunction in his family or that I didn't spend so much time thinking that if I didn't go along with their demands I was being rude and unforgiving. Oh at the years I wasted trying to keep peace with people who weren't interested in peace.