yogangelica
-
Posts
16 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Events
Blogs
Classifieds
Store
Posts posted by yogangelica
-
-
If this story is true, I think maybe you are the one who needs to seek counseling.
I'm not saying this to be nasty; I really mean it. The solution to your problem has been presented over and over and over in this thread by many, many people -- just as it was the last time you brought up this situation, but you keep adding new layers of drama.
This new twist with your MIL requesting a counseling session sounds absolutely ludicrous to me, and from what you have told us about your MIL in the past, it doesn't make any sense at all that she would suggest something like that.
There is no great mystery here. There is no huge problem. All you need to do is make sure the child molester is never allowed anywhere near your children. Period. End of story.
Why do you keep insisting on complicating this? It's not rocket science. It's common sense.
I know I sound mean. I honestly wish the best for you and your children. I'm just very frustrated with your excuses and with the way you keep adding new twists to the story.
Thank you for being so blunt. I wish it was that easy. I'm just adding those details because they add to the layer of this whole situation. I know by mil saying she's lost weight and abuser has been sad since her talking to him about this that she wants us to feel bad for them. Her son might, but I don't. And yes I could use more therapy but it's expensive. It's actually quite humorous thinking mil thinks we should do therapy together and her foot the bill. Seems more bizarre now as I type it all out.
-
No reputable counselor in the world would agree that the proper response to child molestation is counseling for the child and the abuser together. Which means your MIL is telling the counselor something else about what the situation is that requires counseling. Don't step into her framing of the situation by going to the appointment. It's a set-up.
That immediately came to mind as well but I dismissed that as a crazy though. She is open to me finding a counselor as well so I don't think is a set up so to speak. I don't see the need for it though but she is insisting. My dh thinks by me not agreeing to meet that in a way I am just trying to avoid this situation. I don't know. It just seems weird to me and totally not necessary. I guess on the other hand though confronting him for the first time ain a neutral documented space might be good? That's what dh thinks at least. He agrees that any credible doctor would not advise a child to meet with the abuser in a confrontation setting.
-
Just to put this plainly --
If you consent to ANY form of discussion or counseling WITH this man, what you are saying to your son, your husband, your husbands mother, and the criminally evil molester is
"There is a relationship to work on, and to try to salvage. There is something to resolve."
Which, in a normal universe, is NOT true. This man should never know you or your children. I don't think he should know where you live. I don't think grandma should know where you live, either, since she can't be trusted to protect your children from the man she chooses to STAY with after he molested her grandchild!!!
Just move out. Don't leave a forwarding address. Change your phone number. Tell your husband not to tell you what they want because you don't care - they're not people you're willing to know...but also warn him that if he tells them where your children live, and then doesn't tell you they are coming over, you will take steps to protect your kids with or without him.
Don't make simple things hard. Don't let others complicate something that is simple.
Simple truth: Make the bad man go away.
Any person, thing, or idea that gets in the way of the simple truth is your enemy.
I so appreciate this wording. I have 2 weeks to figure something out. I totally felt that this suggestion of therapy was a way to try and "work this out" but there's nothing to work out. It is what it is.
If they weren't coming out to fix the stupid pool I wouldn't be sending him to therapy, it's simply not needed right now. How many times does he need to say someone touched him and keep talking about it? every week until he becomes a teen? He's been acknowledged, he knows what happened was not his fault. He's processed and as therapist told me he'll prob process through his life. There's only so much we can do to heal and this whole situation impedes on that process in my opinion.
Minor of not something happened.
I honestly don't know what dh thinks will benefit from us all talking either. I'm baffled and mil keeps texting asking about times for our son to see therapist. I want to just tell her right after we file a report with the police.
-
ITA. Monstrously insane idea there. Finding it hard to believe a mother would wonder whether to go along with it...but OP, if you really are unsure, I hope the screaming you're hearing in this thread is giving you a clue. We're freaked out because what's happening is wrong.
I hear you all! Seriously, when dh told me and I still don't know whole story because I was so blown away that abuser suggested we all see a counselor together. And poor mil has lost 5 lbs stressing over when to talk to him about this and even more since confronting him herself. And now he's all sad now too. Boo hoo. It has been harder on our end. No way will I bring our son to talk to abuser and mil with a counselor.
It's even asking a lot to ask me to talk to him a counseling session. I do not need it. I do not have the time for it. and I don't care if mil wants to foot the bill. I have a choice to not want to talk to him and just let it be that he made a big mistake and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, he's not getting a second chance. We can go to counseling for months or years but that wouldn't make me suddenly be like ok our kids can be around your husband now.
-
1
-
-
MIL just texted me asking what time is best to schedule our son for a counseling session. Fine, my son sees someone again, what difference does it make? That is what I keep going through in my head. I said I don't feel our child needs to be dragged into this right now to dh and that he can communicate that to his mom. So now compromise is that my dh and I along with her and abuser meet with a counselor. But still pleads for me and son to see the counselor as well. I can see her need for this. I almost want to just agree as simply to prove this is not something our son has made up and that regardless of him admitting guilt we hav ea right to say no to having him in our life from now on.
DH thinks I am just trying to avoid facing this confrontation and yes, maybe I am. I don't want to see his face, let alone alone have our soon to be 10 year old see his face either. It makes more sense for us to handle this alone as parents, not involve abuser and his wife.
-
MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.
Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.
-
Again, we can and will keep our child away from him and I really won't worry about the future because there is no sense in that. One day at a time.. I am stronger now than I was a year ago or even a few years ago.
So yeah if mil won't talk to him before the trip, dh will, we both will because it's time. Beating a dead horse here but again thanks for the insight and suggestions.
-
I keep coming back to this, too. I remember your other thread, and I think I recall that your child didn't tell you about it right away, but nevertheless, that man would know exactly why he'd never see my child again. And MIL would know in no uncertain terms that if she wants a relationship with her grandkids, she'll never see them with that man present again. Nor will she be alone with grandkids, with the opportunity to "discuss" it. I do not sweep things under the rug, and I don't keep secrets or teach my children that it's okay to do that. And that alone would keep this issue from cropping up over and over - both MIL and that man would know it's *never* going to be a possibility. (Oh, and as to family reunions - MIL would know that if she wants her kids to attend, her current partner may not attend. Otherwise - we wouldn't go. Period.)
In addition to that, there'd be therapy for all. Kids, adults, everyone. Therapy would reinforce that keeping these things quiet, and not discussing them, isn't the way to go. It would help with setting and maintaining boundaries. And it would help with the communication between you and your partner (i.e. MIL and her partner coming into town and you not being told by your partner).
You get one chance to do this right. Protect your kids. Empower them. Make sure they know they are being heard, believed, cared for, and protected.
I personally know too many people whose parents/grandparents didn't listen, believe, care for, protect them. None of them have good relationships (if any) with those parents/grandparents as adults - because of it.
I see how you guys can assume certain things. However you don't know the whole story but basically the story is he touched and he never saw us after that. Once I knew for sure something happened it just so happened time had passed so I really had to go back and really evaluate timelines and what not. We have successfully shielded him from him ever since and that part was easy.
In theory I can only assume, as you all do as well, that he hasn't tagged along with grandma in years for a reason, because he knew he made a big mistake. He doesn't even work full time so it's not like he is super busy. Grandma on the other hand works ft and travels a lot it so to pop by to see her only son and grandkids in between business trips 1-2x a year makes sense. He has been in our state since then though for various reasons but we have never seen him.
All I know is he is coming with her to visit for the first time in years as a couple. I know it sounds weird, because it is. Yes it's taken a long time to confront him and whether that was right or wrong does not matter, our kids have been successfully shielded from him. Now he will know we all know and what happens after that is to be determined.Perhaps he thought that with some time we'd forget or never find out. Only time will tell.
-
1
-
-
op - I too remember the thread from last year. I'm hearing a lot of outraged talk from you, but not much in the way of actual action. if you want to be taken seriously - you need serious action. bottom line, move out of that house. your mil doesn't believe you, and will side with her husband. how good a deal the rent is, is NOT worth the worry about your children's safety.
DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.Really?
Spell it out for your DH: there's. no. way. any. of. the. kids. will. ever. be. around. that. man.
EVER. (And I wouldn't leave them alone with the MIL either because she's not trustworthy to make good decisions.)
See? That's how you and the kids avoid him. It's just that simple. Pandering and pussy footing around these people is ridiculous. (Sadly, it's always the victims of the perpetrators who wring their hands, not wanting to be rude etc. etc. I did it for a long time too so I know it when I see it.)
I don't mean to be rude to you at all, but your MIL is in denial: definitely. But so is your DH.
Hang in there. Mama bears are incredibly strong. Go mama bear on this situation. (Just like you're doing.)
Alley
I can be a bit a dramatic by nature. I may come across as "outraged" because abuser is coming to town so I'm reacting. It's easy to maintain our rhythm and feel safe and happy when I know he's in another state. But it's a stressor knowing you know someone you don't want to see is going to be near. Therapy is only one portion and honestly not very helpful. The more we pay to talk about this the more he succeeds in making himself a focus of our life. At least now with him knowing we can find closure in a sense.
We are fully away that we are under mils thumb as long as we are living in her home. We've discussed moving and this house has served us well for the time but we know it's time to move on and so he's already spoken to his mom about selling. Since he fully expects to see the boys when he comes out with mil we can firmly tell him nope, not happening and this is why and that will be the end of it. It was covenant to not confront him and create waves by saying you will never see the boys again, when he wasn't even a direct threat to us. With him coming to twon though, that's a direct threat and so action will be made.
When I say dh doesn't really think we can keep the boys from being around him, I mean for like the rest of the duration of their childhood. There's family reunions and what not that we may or may not have to navigate but there's no sense in even thinking about that right now. Plain and simple, we both agree that he won't see them on this trip.
And maybe I am unclear but dh is not in denial, the only person in denial is his mom and that is typical. I absolutely understand that, he even told his mom that. It's hard for her to face I'm sure but that's for her to process. So anyways, boys won't be around, man will be finally confronted so as someone already said, no point in posting about it anymore. Thank you all for your words, I truly appreciated the insight.
-
1
-
-
Sure, she could hire it out, but that costs money. You said you are getting a great deal, renting from her. Do you want to pay higher rent to get it fixed? Or you could just hire it out yourself, and let her know you fixed it, and thanks anyway.
I'm not sure why the MIL cannot see her grandchildren, as she didn't do anything and there hasn't been any legal action on this at all, unless I missed it. If he has an order to stay away from children, he won't be around anyway. If not, couldn't you just see her?
Anyway, just curious.
She can and has seen them. This will be the first time where she may potentially not be able to, really depends and If she sees them it will be without her husband and both of us parents around.
Just don't be home when they come to visit. Your dh can be home to let them in or whatever is needed. You don't have to make a big deal about why you aren't home.
Your kids can miss a little bit of school.
Take a PP's suggestion and find a national park or other interesting destination, and have a little road trip. Or visit friends or relatives. It sounds like your MIL is unlikely to ever accept what you are trying to tell her. Give up trying to convince her. You don't need her permission to bug out and avoid her visits. Just do it.
DH will be at work m-w when they will still be in town. If they need access to the yard, so be it but we won't be here and home will be locked.
Today you posted that your son was "6 or 7" when the original incident occurred, but your post from last year says he was "around 4 or so."
Not for anything, but if this was such a huge and traumatic experience for your family, I find it very odd that you don't even remember how old your son was when it happened. This seems like the kind of thing about which you would remember the exact details.
Your story isn't adding up. Also, why did you create a new username when you visited the forum under your old username last month?
I'm very confused.
This was your original post and I'm hoping you can explain the discrepancies. I'm sure we would all like to help you, but we can't do that if we don't know the true story.
The brain has interesting ways of coping with trauma. You would THINK dates would stick out but they don't for me. It's more a feeling in time that I can only recall. Unless I go back and look through pictures I don't the exact dates of his last visit off the top of my head and I really don't care to go through those images right now. So yes maybe my ages are off.
I had to create a new username because I can't log into my old account and that email I used back when I signed up is no longer used due to hacking so I can't get into it to resent a password. Find all the discrepancies you want. I know something happened and at the end of the day that is all that matters.
As for grandma, well yes she did nothing but if anyone is siding with abuser it is her, not my dh, she is the one in denial, not us. But now she knows we are both firm on him not seeing our boys so we are giving her the benefit of talking to him first before dh jumps in. At some point he will wonder why he can't see the boys and well since he hasn't seen them in years and he truly wants to on this visit, he will learn why that will never ever be allowed.
-
Also, I'd probably go on to the police dept and tell them what happened. I don't know what they'll do, but if something happens between you and your husband/partner and he caves in and lets that monster around your son, having that paperwork will be loads of help to you.
He won't cave in but yeah I think it's time to just go down there and make a report even if years have passed.
-
Your husband and your MIL have had a year to deal with this. If I were you, I would call her husband and tell him that you believe he molested your son and he will never be allowed to see him again. Don't explain, apologize or defend. End the conversation any time you feel like you've said all you need to say and have no interest in hearing more. Prepare for him to deny, be angry, guilt trip. Feel free not to listen to it, but hang up the phone. As a person who would literally be shaking if I had to make such a phone call, I understand how hard that might be. I would definitely down a Mike's hard lemonade or two. I would write out bullet points of what I needed to say. But I would make the call anyway.
I don't know his number. His mom said she will talk to abuser and get back to dh on what he says. He said they have not spoken since Saturday when he called to tell her abuser can't see the boys. It's been easy to not confront him because he's not in our life but now that he's paying a visit with mil for the first time since this incident happened. Well pussy footing around this ends this month and the cat will be out of the bag once and for all.
I remember this situation.
You are living in house that she owns. Is that correct? She is entitled as a landlord to simply inform you when repairs will be made. She does have to inform you if it involves coming inside (and I'm not sure from your facts whether it does).
You have the right not to be home and to keep your kids away from this person, but you don't have the right to tell the landlord/owner who may repair this problem.
Yes we are renting from her and it's a great deal on our end but I've already spoke up about us moving and he agrees but now it's just a matter of really actively moving forward with that. Regardless I will let her know I don't want them in our home while we are gone. dh works from 630 to 630 5x a week and he can't be home for the repairs. It all just seems weird to me that they are both coming for the pool when that could be contracted out.
I'm the first person to make sure my kids attend school but this is a situation I would miss school over. You do not need to be back home during the week to attend school. If you want them to attend school, stay with friends, make the hour drive each day, but do not stay at your house. Personally, I'd leave town and I wouldn't come back until I knew they were gone.
They started school at 715 so in this case they will miss the 3 days. MIL will be sad to not see the boys, even if it's without abuser, but this isn't about her feelings. My son does not want to see this man ever again and I will do everything I can to ensure that happens. It's gonna be a long month!
-
I'm sure he didn't tell me right away because he didn't know all the details and knowing me, I will overreact so best to wait and tell me when he knows more. That is my rationalizing anyways and he feels vulnerable too. It's his moms home, he feels he can't just say she can't come and fix something that needs to be fixed. There's is nothing they can do to fix this crappy situation that is now our life.
-
I don't recall reading about you all suggesting I get an attorney and press charges. We live minutes from a police station so I am prepared to wreck hell if my boundaries get pushed. My partner and I just celebrated 16 years together, we are 32, I am doing my best in what is a really crappy situation. I am not leaving him, he is not going to betray us and he is just as upset about this all happening. He believes our son, will protect him and is all for me leaving when his mom comes to take care of the repairs.
My partner will absolutely not sneak his boys to see his mom and step dad, we are on the same page. Trust me! Even if I did file a report chances of anything happening are slim because this happened years ago and there's no hard solid proof other than a little boys words. My mother and sister who are well versed in this agree as well that filing a report is extreme and he lives out of state so I don't know how all that works.
What I am doing is my absolute best and besides this I have a lot going on in my life. We are planning on moving. I have already started process of selling everything I possibly can. It's not the abusers home, it's his moms and she got a prenup when they got married, not that it makes a difference. For as long as my partner and I have been together, so have they so I know this man enough and had this never happened I would still not like him, but I would tolerate him as I always have. BUT NOW, I will not tolerate him at all and there is no wiggle room.
My grandparents have been staying at a hospital rehab center since first of January so when abuser and mil come in town I will be staying there. However, their home is an hour from my kids school so during the week we will need to be back home. Honestly though I predict that he won't even come out once she confronts him. I don't care that this goes against her happy vision for her life as a grandma. If I leave my man which would be super easy since we are not married, I would have zero control over who sees our kids when he is with them. You know? So please keep the words coming!
-
I posted about a year ago about my son being inappropriately touched by his grandmas husband on the couch while we were all present. We have not seen this man in over 3 years and he lives out of state. My partners mom has always visited us a couple times a year since moving in 2010 but since the incident he for whatever reason has not tagged along with her to visit.
However he has come to our state 2x recently that I know of to visit on his own to help his ex wife clear her moms home and fix stuff around her house. Last year he visited our home when the outside was being painted and I didn't know until last minute so I panicked but managed to avoid having him enter our home and garage. I posted about all of this so I don't want to go into that again.
PROBLEM now is that last week I got a call from mil and she asked if my dh told me they were coming into town. NOPE. I waited a few days to see if he would tell me, didn't say a word. Well I finally confronted him calmly and asked him when he was going to tell me his mom and her husband were coming to town. He didn't really know any details only that they were coming the 25th of this month. Mil told me they would be staying in a hotel "since the boys are bigger now". I was totally thrown off guard.
They are coming out because we rent her old home and the pool needs to be drained&repaired. She had been talking for 6 months about getting it fixed but I didn't know she needed to travel from out of state to take of it. He's great at repairing so I can only assume she's having him fix some of it. I really don't know anything other than that they will be here for 5 days.
I told my man that we will not be around and that there is no way he is going to see them so he needs to talk to his mom. He called her over the weekend and told her what was up and said we don't feel comfortable having X around the boys. She said "well that's not going to work". She is still in denial and has known about this incident for a solid year now. She does not want to talk to him about it but he told her she needs to even though she doesn't want to. I told DH he is going to have to talk to him as well because he needs to know we believe something happened and there's one strike and he's out. He can deny all he wants which I assume he will but that's not changing anything for me.
What makes me upset is that she planned all of this without even asking us about the dates. She simply said we'll be out on x date to her son. I think she still holds hope that we can put this behind us but there is no way I am backing down on this. She even told dh she wants to talk to our son (9) and when he told me that I told him hell no! If she wants to talk she can talk to me.
We're talking about a situation that happened like 3+ years ago when our son was 6 or 7 and our youngest is now 6 so there's just no way I am risking anything, even if there's like 10% chance that it being a misunderstanding, like mil insists it to be. MIL is in denial, I can understand, but my son said the touching made him feel "warm" so I don't care what she says. Hugs can feel warm too but this was not a hug, this was a few squeezes to the penis over his pants.
I asked our son how he would feel if he ever had to see him and he said "nervous, uncomfortable". That right there is enough. He was forgiving though and said well maybe it would be okay it's up to you. DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.
I am staying firm on this and bracing myself for mil to call me and try to talk me into agreeing to let the boys be around them while they do the repairs. In my brain I don't even understand why they need to be here but whatever.
I don't know what advice I am looking for, but I just needed to get this out and look forward to reading the responses.
Need advice/reassurance on mil visiting. Trigger. long.
in The Chat Board
Posted
I hear you guys and we will be gone. Sorry to be so wishy washy. I have a place to stay and will be gone while they are in town but it was just this whole therapy thing being slapped in my face that made me jolt back. I can say no to that. I don't have to agree. Thanks for making me feel that yes I really can and should say no to that.