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yogangelica

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  1. I hear you guys and we will be gone. Sorry to be so wishy washy. I have a place to stay and will be gone while they are in town but it was just this whole therapy thing being slapped in my face that made me jolt back. I can say no to that. I don't have to agree. Thanks for making me feel that yes I really can and should say no to that.
  2. Thank you for being so blunt. I wish it was that easy. I'm just adding those details because they add to the layer of this whole situation. I know by mil saying she's lost weight and abuser has been sad since her talking to him about this that she wants us to feel bad for them. Her son might, but I don't. And yes I could use more therapy but it's expensive. It's actually quite humorous thinking mil thinks we should do therapy together and her foot the bill. Seems more bizarre now as I type it all out.
  3. That immediately came to mind as well but I dismissed that as a crazy though. She is open to me finding a counselor as well so I don't think is a set up so to speak. I don't see the need for it though but she is insisting. My dh thinks by me not agreeing to meet that in a way I am just trying to avoid this situation. I don't know. It just seems weird to me and totally not necessary. I guess on the other hand though confronting him for the first time ain a neutral documented space might be good? That's what dh thinks at least. He agrees that any credible doctor would not advise a child to meet with the abuser in a confrontation setting.
  4. I so appreciate this wording. I have 2 weeks to figure something out. I totally felt that this suggestion of therapy was a way to try and "work this out" but there's nothing to work out. It is what it is. If they weren't coming out to fix the stupid pool I wouldn't be sending him to therapy, it's simply not needed right now. How many times does he need to say someone touched him and keep talking about it? every week until he becomes a teen? He's been acknowledged, he knows what happened was not his fault. He's processed and as therapist told me he'll prob process through his life. There's only so much we can do to heal and this whole situation impedes on that process in my opinion. Minor of not something happened. I honestly don't know what dh thinks will benefit from us all talking either. I'm baffled and mil keeps texting asking about times for our son to see therapist. I want to just tell her right after we file a report with the police.
  5. I hear you all! Seriously, when dh told me and I still don't know whole story because I was so blown away that abuser suggested we all see a counselor together. And poor mil has lost 5 lbs stressing over when to talk to him about this and even more since confronting him herself. And now he's all sad now too. Boo hoo. It has been harder on our end. No way will I bring our son to talk to abuser and mil with a counselor. It's even asking a lot to ask me to talk to him a counseling session. I do not need it. I do not have the time for it. and I don't care if mil wants to foot the bill. I have a choice to not want to talk to him and just let it be that he made a big mistake and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, he's not getting a second chance. We can go to counseling for months or years but that wouldn't make me suddenly be like ok our kids can be around your husband now.
  6. MIL just texted me asking what time is best to schedule our son for a counseling session. Fine, my son sees someone again, what difference does it make? That is what I keep going through in my head. I said I don't feel our child needs to be dragged into this right now to dh and that he can communicate that to his mom. So now compromise is that my dh and I along with her and abuser meet with a counselor. But still pleads for me and son to see the counselor as well. I can see her need for this. I almost want to just agree as simply to prove this is not something our son has made up and that regardless of him admitting guilt we hav ea right to say no to having him in our life from now on. DH thinks I am just trying to avoid facing this confrontation and yes, maybe I am. I don't want to see his face, let alone alone have our soon to be 10 year old see his face either. It makes more sense for us to handle this alone as parents, not involve abuser and his wife.
  7. MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way. Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.
  8. Again, we can and will keep our child away from him and I really won't worry about the future because there is no sense in that. One day at a time.. I am stronger now than I was a year ago or even a few years ago. So yeah if mil won't talk to him before the trip, dh will, we both will because it's time. Beating a dead horse here but again thanks for the insight and suggestions.
  9. I see how you guys can assume certain things. However you don't know the whole story but basically the story is he touched and he never saw us after that. Once I knew for sure something happened it just so happened time had passed so I really had to go back and really evaluate timelines and what not. We have successfully shielded him from him ever since and that part was easy. In theory I can only assume, as you all do as well, that he hasn't tagged along with grandma in years for a reason, because he knew he made a big mistake. He doesn't even work full time so it's not like he is super busy. Grandma on the other hand works ft and travels a lot it so to pop by to see her only son and grandkids in between business trips 1-2x a year makes sense. He has been in our state since then though for various reasons but we have never seen him. All I know is he is coming with her to visit for the first time in years as a couple. I know it sounds weird, because it is. Yes it's taken a long time to confront him and whether that was right or wrong does not matter, our kids have been successfully shielded from him. Now he will know we all know and what happens after that is to be determined.Perhaps he thought that with some time we'd forget or never find out. Only time will tell.
  10. I can be a bit a dramatic by nature. I may come across as "outraged" because abuser is coming to town so I'm reacting. It's easy to maintain our rhythm and feel safe and happy when I know he's in another state. But it's a stressor knowing you know someone you don't want to see is going to be near. Therapy is only one portion and honestly not very helpful. The more we pay to talk about this the more he succeeds in making himself a focus of our life. At least now with him knowing we can find closure in a sense. We are fully away that we are under mils thumb as long as we are living in her home. We've discussed moving and this house has served us well for the time but we know it's time to move on and so he's already spoken to his mom about selling. Since he fully expects to see the boys when he comes out with mil we can firmly tell him nope, not happening and this is why and that will be the end of it. It was covenant to not confront him and create waves by saying you will never see the boys again, when he wasn't even a direct threat to us. With him coming to twon though, that's a direct threat and so action will be made. When I say dh doesn't really think we can keep the boys from being around him, I mean for like the rest of the duration of their childhood. There's family reunions and what not that we may or may not have to navigate but there's no sense in even thinking about that right now. Plain and simple, we both agree that he won't see them on this trip. And maybe I am unclear but dh is not in denial, the only person in denial is his mom and that is typical. I absolutely understand that, he even told his mom that. It's hard for her to face I'm sure but that's for her to process. So anyways, boys won't be around, man will be finally confronted so as someone already said, no point in posting about it anymore. Thank you all for your words, I truly appreciated the insight.
  11. She can and has seen them. This will be the first time where she may potentially not be able to, really depends and If she sees them it will be without her husband and both of us parents around. DH will be at work m-w when they will still be in town. If they need access to the yard, so be it but we won't be here and home will be locked. The brain has interesting ways of coping with trauma. You would THINK dates would stick out but they don't for me. It's more a feeling in time that I can only recall. Unless I go back and look through pictures I don't the exact dates of his last visit off the top of my head and I really don't care to go through those images right now. So yes maybe my ages are off. I had to create a new username because I can't log into my old account and that email I used back when I signed up is no longer used due to hacking so I can't get into it to resent a password. Find all the discrepancies you want. I know something happened and at the end of the day that is all that matters. As for grandma, well yes she did nothing but if anyone is siding with abuser it is her, not my dh, she is the one in denial, not us. But now she knows we are both firm on him not seeing our boys so we are giving her the benefit of talking to him first before dh jumps in. At some point he will wonder why he can't see the boys and well since he hasn't seen them in years and he truly wants to on this visit, he will learn why that will never ever be allowed.
  12. He won't cave in but yeah I think it's time to just go down there and make a report even if years have passed.
  13. I don't know his number. His mom said she will talk to abuser and get back to dh on what he says. He said they have not spoken since Saturday when he called to tell her abuser can't see the boys. It's been easy to not confront him because he's not in our life but now that he's paying a visit with mil for the first time since this incident happened. Well pussy footing around this ends this month and the cat will be out of the bag once and for all. Yes we are renting from her and it's a great deal on our end but I've already spoke up about us moving and he agrees but now it's just a matter of really actively moving forward with that. Regardless I will let her know I don't want them in our home while we are gone. dh works from 630 to 630 5x a week and he can't be home for the repairs. It all just seems weird to me that they are both coming for the pool when that could be contracted out. They started school at 715 so in this case they will miss the 3 days. MIL will be sad to not see the boys, even if it's without abuser, but this isn't about her feelings. My son does not want to see this man ever again and I will do everything I can to ensure that happens. It's gonna be a long month!
  14. I'm sure he didn't tell me right away because he didn't know all the details and knowing me, I will overreact so best to wait and tell me when he knows more. That is my rationalizing anyways and he feels vulnerable too. It's his moms home, he feels he can't just say she can't come and fix something that needs to be fixed. There's is nothing they can do to fix this crappy situation that is now our life.
  15. I don't recall reading about you all suggesting I get an attorney and press charges. We live minutes from a police station so I am prepared to wreck hell if my boundaries get pushed. My partner and I just celebrated 16 years together, we are 32, I am doing my best in what is a really crappy situation. I am not leaving him, he is not going to betray us and he is just as upset about this all happening. He believes our son, will protect him and is all for me leaving when his mom comes to take care of the repairs. My partner will absolutely not sneak his boys to see his mom and step dad, we are on the same page. Trust me! Even if I did file a report chances of anything happening are slim because this happened years ago and there's no hard solid proof other than a little boys words. My mother and sister who are well versed in this agree as well that filing a report is extreme and he lives out of state so I don't know how all that works. What I am doing is my absolute best and besides this I have a lot going on in my life. We are planning on moving. I have already started process of selling everything I possibly can. It's not the abusers home, it's his moms and she got a prenup when they got married, not that it makes a difference. For as long as my partner and I have been together, so have they so I know this man enough and had this never happened I would still not like him, but I would tolerate him as I always have. BUT NOW, I will not tolerate him at all and there is no wiggle room. My grandparents have been staying at a hospital rehab center since first of January so when abuser and mil come in town I will be staying there. However, their home is an hour from my kids school so during the week we will need to be back home. Honestly though I predict that he won't even come out once she confronts him. I don't care that this goes against her happy vision for her life as a grandma. If I leave my man which would be super easy since we are not married, I would have zero control over who sees our kids when he is with them. You know? So please keep the words coming!
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