Help/Advice Aspergers Diagnosis

[Maureen]

My 13ds has been diagnosed with Aspergers. It was casually suggested to us several years ago, but is now a reality. He has always been very outgoing, energetic, and friendly, but very much an in your face kind of kid. This has reached a boiling point this past week as he has been completely shunned by his peer group at church and asked to not participate in a 3 day camping trip. A couple of boys told their parents they wouldn't go if he went. When told about this, we agreed to keep him home. It breaks my heart as my husband planned this trip and was going to attend as well. My son has been looking forward to it for months.

Can anyone suggest some books I might read?

I pulled him from school in 3rd grade when he was constantly getting into trouble for not being able to sit still in class. Unfortunately he has only sisters and desperately wants guy friends. Because of this desperation he has been very aggressive in trying to make the boys at church like him. It has been a train wreck. The harder he tries the further they move away. Needless to say, we are looking into moving to another nearby town to offer him a fresh start in a new church congregation with some counseling under his belt. He has always fought me about being homeschooled because he thinks he would have all of these friends if he were in school. I'm tempted to let him try it out this fall in a new school with the option to come home at any time. He will be in 8th grade and I figure that it is the last year I can really afford to play with before high school which will need to be recorded onto a transcript.

I would appreciate any thoughts or advice. I feel like Anne Shirley - well in body, but considerably rumpled in spirit!

[MamaSheep]

Ouch! I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

One book that has been helpful to us is Raise Your Child's Social IQ: Stepping Stones to People Skills for Kids. It's really late here and my brain shut down about an hour ago. I'll come back later if I think of something else.

 

Maybe could your dh and ds have a father/son campout instead, just the two of them?

[asta]

Find a theater group. Fast.

 

He needs to learn how to act. Literally ACT.

 

He is different than the children around him. He knows he is different from the children around him. If he is to survive in a social environment with these children, he will need not only social skills training from you, he will need to have scenario training: if they say this, you say that - lots of permutations; manners training for expected and unexpected situations: tons of grooming stuff that is dependent on given situations (outdoor camping vs prom); how to look at people's noses if their eyes are uncomfortable; how to gently enter and leave conversations; how to NOT dominate conversations; how to gauge when to smile and when not to; how to laugh and when not to...

 

I am not trying to be insulting: I have literally been there. I wish I could have had more drama classes than I was able to take. They were immensely helpful. My boss took many of them, and it allowed him to work in Fortune 500 companies, even though he has severe Aspergers.

 

I've said it before on this forum: it isn't simply a matter of "being like the other kids"; you're NOT the other kids. You just have to learn how to operate in their world. Otherwise life is a very lonely place indeed.

 

 

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[Guest]

I'm so sorry -- and that age is just about the toughest time anyway, let alone with Asperger's. Kids that age think that associating with someone who is in any way different is the kiss of social death.

 

I'd look at/for a variety of things: there are a number of places in my town that run social skills groups for kids on the spectrum. If you can find one of these, that would be a terrific place to start. Usually a psychologist and/or assistants work with a small group of kids on skills like keeping proper distance when meeting people, taking turns, conversational cues, etc. Some of these groups have summer camp-type groups for kids of varying ages: they go in groups, with counsellors, to the movies, bowling, to the beach, etc.

 

If you can't find one of these, there are a number of workbook-type social skills programs you can find by looking around on the net or just on amazon. com. There are a few recent ones that include a DVD component, so the parent and child can watch demonstrations of social situations or work on the physical way that emotions are expressed on faces or through body language.

 

There are also a handful of books written about dealing with Asperger's, aimed at adolescents. Luke Jackson's Freaks, Geeks, and Asperger's Syndrome is the classic, but again, a search on amazon for Asperger's and adolescents will give you a pretty long list of titles. The more your son can learn about exactly how and why he's causing other kids to have the reaction they do, the better off he'll be in the long run. If he reads about this in books by and for kids like himself, he won't feel so alone, or as though it's all his fault.

 

The other thing I'd like to just caution you about is putting an Aspie in school in eighth grade. Every single professional book I've read says this is absolutely the hardest, most awful time for these kids to try to make it in school. The need for neurotypical kids to fit in is at its fever pitch during the middle school years and they can be brutal to anyone who is at all different, even in the smallest ways -- and Aspies' differences are usually NOT small!

 

High school (particularly in the later grades) is actually more accommodating, as kids become more confident, comfortable with themselves, and interest-related friendships spring up. In fact, helping your child find a social group based on interests is the final suggestion I would make. My daughter found her group of friends when she began riding and working with horses, but I've heard of others who began to fit in and have social lives when they did technical theater work, found mentors for interests in reptiles or birding, began doing robotics, joined sci fi fan clubs, entered chess clubs and competitions, etc. It does take some hunting to find a place where this type of social interaction can happen; but there are all kinds of places that eventually begin to pop up. They might not all be places where he'll be with kids his own age, but that's okay -- any and all sociability is good, and age-based friendships at this age for non-typical kids are, as I say, an extremely elusive thing.

Edited June 17, 2010 by Guest

[RamonaQ]

I don't have an asperger's kid but I do have a church with an AWESOME youth group. Asking a child to NOT participate on a youth event would be ABSOLUTELY UNHEARD OF.

 

Shunning a child from a church event is diametrically opposed to the radical welcome that Jesus has offered to all. I think this youth group needs some serious re-direction. Our youth group has kids of various needs, including aspergers and in one year, a youth who was wheel chair bound and dying of cancer, I know that it is possible.

 

I do understand that there are different challenges with ASD kids, but it would seem that there would be a far better work around-- perhaps education for the rest of the group, or a "buddy" (like your or another parent or young adult or leader) that could go and assist your child.

 

Anyhow, I get if you are "done" with that church, etc...but I do think letting them know there is a different way to be welcoming would help them a lot.

 

Anyhow, others have offered you good advice. I just wanted to chime in that my heart is broken hearing a story like this.

[Maureen]

Thanks so much for all of the replies.

It's funny you should mention theater, as that is his one activity that he loves. The director even told us that she thinks he should apply to be one of the captains next year. The theater group is about 34 6th-8th graders. 26 are girls. He claims all of them are his best friends and his one reservation about moving to a new town would be whether we'd let him stay in this theater group. It's obvious why he is so happy there as it's the only place he feels wanted by kids his own age.

I don't personally know any of the other parents or kids other than at planning meetings to do sets and costumes. The boy that stirred the pot at church about this campout has also informed our church leaders and his parents that he thinks all of the girls in my son's theater group are immoral. Obviously this is a stretch at the very least. There is a wonderful theater group in the town where we are planning to move and I know the director. I think I will have to see how strongly he feels about this in the fall and make a decision then. I personally would like to make a clean break for him.

He had his first therapy session earlier tonight and my realtor is taking me to look at 2 houses tomorrow. Hopefully things are looking up from here. The new church congregation we would go to has several old friends in it and one of the moms of a boy my son's age called me this morning to say that he would be welcomed into their scout group and the whole church would rally around us as they have a 15yo aspie kid already there. My faith has not wavered in this, as I know people are not perfect, but I think I can seek to forgive and yet not have to return to the scene of the crime!

By the way my dh leaves with him early in the morning to hike Half Dome.

[MamaSheep]

Thanks so much for all of the replies.

It's funny you should mention theater, as that is his one activity that he loves. The director even told us that she thinks he should apply to be one of the captains next year. The theater group is about 34 6th-8th graders. 26 are girls. He claims all of them are his best friends and his one reservation about moving to a new town would be whether we'd let him stay in this theater group. It's obvious why he is so happy there as it's the only place he feels wanted by kids his own age.

I don't personally know any of the other parents or kids other than at planning meetings to do sets and costumes. The boy that stirred the pot at church about this campout has also informed our church leaders and his parents that he thinks all of the girls in my son's theater group are immoral. Obviously this is a stretch at the very least. There is a wonderful theater group in the town where we are planning to move and I know the director. I think I will have to see how strongly he feels about this in the fall and make a decision then. I personally would like to make a clean break for him.

He had his first therapy session earlier tonight and my realtor is taking me to look at 2 houses tomorrow. Hopefully things are looking up from here. The new church congregation we would go to has several old friends in it and one of the moms of a boy my son's age called me this morning to say that he would be welcomed into their scout group and the whole church would rally around us as they have a 15yo aspie kid already there. My faith has not wavered in this, as I know people are not perfect, but I think I can seek to forgive and yet not have to return to the scene of the crime!

By the way my dh leaves with him early in the morning to hike Half Dome.

 

:grouphug: It sounds to me like you're doing great.

[Food4Thought]

It sounds like you are doing a lot. I am so sorry to hear of your son's troubles! :grouphug:

 

Mine is only 6, but we've been reading a lot of books on manners and social rules for navigating relationships. He eats it up (not literally, of course). :lol: Maybe a book on social rules might help him learn why *other* people act the way they do? Here are a couple I've read and liked:

 

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - written by two people with Aspergers, from their perspective

 

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship - not just for Aspies, but help for all kids trying to navigate why their behavior may turn away friends.

 

Social Skills for Teenagers & Adults with Aspergers

 

HTH!